I’m struggling to put what I want to say into words. I’m scared because I haven’t told many people about it. Will I be judged? Who will be there for me when I need them? Will people understand? Does it even matter? Do I even care? Will I be ridiculed? Is it my fault?
I’m struggling to decide how to put the experience into words. Everyone would see, would know.
I’m scared it will come back and I won’t sleep. I call them demons. Whispers in the night. Shadows all around me. Enveloping me. At night, the darkness owns me.
Or worse. Confronting me about it.
I’m not a full person anymore. Something was taken from me. I think this was the beginning of when I started to lose pieces of myself. That’s when the darkness started. I’ve been dragged into the ground, where the pressure has pushed me down for so long. Hell, I was thirteen. I wasn’t even old enough to realize what I was feeling.
Am I ready to accept what happened and finally move on? Am I ready to talk about it? I’m sitting here right now, struggling to type the words. The words are so simple. If I can’t type them, does that mean I’m not ready? Do I have to force myself to do it? I think I might vomit. Or scream.
The whole reason I started typing, instead of doing talk therapy again was for this reason-to discuss what happened. To put it down in words. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to open up this chapter of my life. Everyone will know. I will be an open book.
If any of you watch “Private Practice”, the spinoff series from “Grey’s Anatomy”, this will make sense. Dr. Turner, a therapist, was pregnant, and was seeing a client whose baby had died. The client assaulted Dr. Turner, and cut out the baby from her stomach. She kidnapped him and left Dr. Turner to die on the hardwood floors of her own house. She was saved in time, but had intense PTSD. She went to a therapist to overcome all her struggles, and then wrote a book about it. Every detail was in this book. Clients, people on the streets, clerks, employees, doctors – everyone knew about her incredibly painful, intimate story.
No, this didn’t to me. But people approached her about the story and asked her questions. It helped her. Will it help me?