Am I ready to be in a fishbowl?

I’m struggling to put what I want to say into words. I’m scared because I haven’t told many people about it. Will I be judged? Who will be there for me when I need them? Will people understand? Does it even matter? Do I even care? Will I be ridiculed? Is it my fault?

I’m struggling to decide how to put the experience into words. Everyone would see, would know.

I’m scared of how I will feel. I’m scared I’ll start having the nightmares again.

I’m scared it will come back and I won’t sleep. I call them demons. Whispers in the night. Shadows all around me. Enveloping me. At night, the darkness owns me.

I’m scared of people knowing.

Or worse. Confronting me about it.

I’m not a full person anymore. Something was taken from me. I think this was the beginning of when I started to lose pieces of myself. That’s when the darkness started. I’ve been dragged into the ground, where the pressure has pushed me down for so long. Hell, I was thirteen. I wasn’t even old enough to realize what I was feeling.

Am I ready to accept what happened and finally move on? Am I ready to talk about it? I’m sitting here right now, struggling to type the words. The words are so simple. If I can’t type them, does that mean I’m not ready? Do I have to force myself to do it? I think I might vomit. Or scream.

The whole reason I started typing, instead of doing talk therapy again was for this reason-to discuss what happened. To put it down in words. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to open up this chapter of my life. Everyone will know. I will be an open book.

If any of you watch “Private Practice”, the spinoff series from “Grey’s Anatomy”, this will make sense. Dr. Turner, a therapist, was pregnant, and was seeing a client whose baby had died. The client assaulted Dr. Turner, and cut out the baby from her stomach. She kidnapped him and left Dr. Turner to die on the hardwood floors of her own house. She was saved in time, but had intense PTSD. She went to a therapist to overcome all her struggles, and then wrote a book about it. Every detail was in this book. Clients, people on the streets, clerks, employees, doctors – everyone knew about her incredibly painful, intimate story.

No, this didn’t to me. But people approached her about the story and asked her questions. It helped her. Will it help me?

I’m scared.

15 thoughts on “Am I ready to be in a fishbowl?

  1. I don’t have any deep words of wisdom to impart. I just wanted you to know that I read this, and I care that you are struggling with something. If the time comes when you are ready and want to share what happened to you, I for one won’t judge or ridicule you. And anyone who does is an asshole.

  2. It’s great that you are starting to open up. That’s not an easy thing (from someone who also suffers from the darkness). I don’t think it has to be one or the other though. I highly recommend seeing a mental health professional, even if you are able to open up on here. Violet was seeing someone and would definitely not recommend doing it on your own. As for writing about it, I do think it can be cathartic (in addition to professional help), and you can always write online anonymously if you don’t want those other people in your life to read it. You can make a page separate from your name/business while you are testing the waters and seeing how you feel about opening up. Might make it easier to write openly. Take good care and feel well. You are not alone!

    • I have seen a mental health professional in the past, but it seemed to make it worse. I know she was obviously trying to help, but it made my demons worse. He came all the time, and the therapist just seemed to … Like it… When he came more often.

      • I’m so sorry. I am not a professional, so I only speak as someone with a lot of treatment experience. I have had bad therapy experiences as well, but have kept trying and found that there are a lot of different types of therapists and therapies. You may benefit from more of a healing forward method, like DBT, where they help you find tools to help in the moment (dealing with depression, anxieties, etc) so you can live life and move forward instead of ruminating on the past. Or regression therapy if you feel strong enough and ready to face the memories. If you are willing to look around and not just settle for anyone, there are good doctors out there who are trained to help and support you through this process. They can help with fear and nightmares as you face the demons. You don’t need to do it on your own. You just need to try until you feel comfortable with someone enough to open up. Just because you didn’t like one, doesn’t mean you won’t like another. They all have different training, experience, and styles. And if you don’t someone, you can always stop going. Good luck and warmest healing wishes.

      • I don’t believe in saying ‘I don’t have the time’. Every time I want to say that, I have to say, ‘This isn’t a priority’… and though it is, I work full time, and then own my own business on top of that. So, yes, it is an excuse. And when I saw a therapist before, she made me say the words. She made me talk about it. I’m just not ready yet.

  3. When you are ready to speak about it, remember that there are people who will read it and gain personal strength from it. People won’t judge (unless they are assholes) but will admire your ability to put your experience into words for others. I’ve found that sharing my trials or mistakes with friends really lightens my load and strengthens my bond with those who are there to support and love me through it.

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