As I knew it would, I crashed. Got up, feeling off, feed my animals, and went to work. Got to work, and realized the massive project I had left yesterday… was still there. Been working on it for about 5 hours, and it’s just now starting to clear up. Due to a problem within our software, a project I had been working on for a week or so has crashed, leaving a huge mess of clean-up for me. Basically, it’s a lot of unnecessary, tedious work that shouldn’t have happened.
That sort of set me off this morning. But I was determined to not hit the wall. So, I plugged in my headphones and rocked out to the same song over and over again. It helped. Then I get a call from my husband, asking if we could go out for dinner with some friends tonight. Some friends who are only in town for a few more days.
I didn’t have any trainings tonight, and he knew that, so he called to see if I would like to go. This would normally be something very nice that I would enjoy. Well, being a little on the low end today, and then being OCD, I realized my plans would change tonight.
I wouldn’t be able to go grocery shopping this evening, which means I’m not able to make mushroom soup. I was looking forward to making mushroom soup, because we have a lot of mushrooms I need to use before the end of the week, or they will go bad. This also means that since we are going out to dinner, we are going to spend money. Which causes anxiety… this is where the tears started to well up and I started to shut down.
I kept thinking, because that’s what I do. I then realized that I would be getting home late this evening, and I’m already having a not-so-good day. AND I don’t get mushroom soup.
Oh SHIT! Napoleon! He is crated at home right now, and he needs to be let out before we go out tonight. Which means I have to go home first (which is 20 minutes out of the way), let him out for potty time, feed the animals, and then crate him and leave again. This almost had me in hysterics because this means he’s going to be in his crate all day, and then again while we are out at dinner. He would also not be getting exercise today, which is unfair to him. UGH! I hate when this happens.
So now, all these things are swimming in my head, and I can’t even think! My brain just shut down. My dearest husband doesn’t understand, and he’s trying to talk me down. Finally, I’m breathing. Just breathing. That’s a good thing. I stop breathing when this happens.
Ok, back to reality. SHIT! SHIT SHIT! I have someone coming tonight to pick up something she bought from me. Now I have to call and cancel or reschedule with her. I HATE RESCHEDULING!! I feel like I’m a flake and I just cancel or reschedule on everyone. And, on top of that, I can’t the rest of the week because I have dog trainings… and I can’t during the day, obviously, since I work… oh, it’s starting again… I can’t breathe.
I have calmed down now…though it took several hours. I’m getting ready to leave to go out to dinner. It’ll be fine. Napoleon will be fine. My mushrooms will be fine. My husband has offered to go to the grocery store tomorrow while I’m doing training, so I can come home and make mushroom soup. He also offered to go out on a walk with me later this evening with Napoleon (if it’s not too cold), otherwise, we’ll play hide ‘n seek with him when we get back. This is a big deal since he doesn’t like taking care of our animals.
… *breathe*… Just try to breathe. I feel a panic attack coming. I’m trying so hard to keep it together. WHY?? I just want to sit in a dark corner and cry…and eat my mushroom soup.
You’re going to be fine.
Everything is going to be fine.
It’s alright, you’re just having a difficult time but you’ll realize that nothing is wrong.
Everything is fine, and it may not feel like that now, but I promise you, that you can get through this and you will feel amazing when you do.
Just take a deep breath, cleanse yourself from all this toxic. Don’t push away the thoughts, instead embrace them. Understand them and move on from them. That’s the best way.
You can get through this. You can get through it today, tomorrow and all the days to come. You just have to believe it.
Wow, I totally relate to this. I’m fighting the same sort of stuff, and find it so exhausting. Hope you find some peace today.
Thank you. I didn’t find peace that day, but I had a few good days after that. It is exhausting…
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