Sometimes, even after having a good day, the day was bad.
I’m going to try to use my ‘I feel words’ as my therapist liked to say…
I feel like nothing.
I feel like everything inside me is breaking.
I feel like I shouldn’t exist on this world.
I’m a waste of space and resources.
I’m not good enough.
I can try to be the best I can be, but I will never amount to anything.
I just want the world to ignore me. Just let me be. Don’t bother talking to me.
I feel alone in the whole, wide world. Just let it eat me.
I feel like inside, I am dying. In my head, I’m drowning. It won’t end though. It’s like I’m undead inside, so the pain continues. Forever.
It won’t stop. It’s a monster inside me, laughing while I am drowning in my own sorrow.
Yes, I know people love me. Yes I know I will be missed if I cease to exist. Yes, I know some people will be angry for me writing this. I KNOW. But that doesn’t make the pain go away. It doesn’t make it any easier.
It’s hard to talk. It’s hard to breathe. A weight is just pushing me down into the ground, and no one notices but me. I still have to put on my happy face and ‘be ok for society.’ because people don’t know how to handle someone who is suffering internally.
I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to read, or eat, or play a video game. I just want to do nothing. So instead, I’m typing this. Somehow, it seems to help. I’m forced to do something. So, the tears fall, and I type.
What started this today? The feeling of realizing how much farther I have to go, and how big my dreams really are. How much work I have ahead of me. Realizing how much life I have to live with. My life isn’t even near being over. I have so much left to live. ‘You are young, you have time’ they say. No one realizes this means the shadow over me just got even bigger. It seems like it won’t ever end. Because if I keep on living, so will this monster, this cancerous thing inside me. It was hungry, so it took what little happiness I had, and ate it. Now, It feels like I’m back to my ‘normal’ self – empty.
The pain, the feeling of being alone, the dealing with it, the breathing, the studying, the working, the…the living. And then, I feel guilty for thinking that way. Because my friends and family wouldn’t want me to think that way. So, now, I’m feeling hopeless and guilty. Great. Just one more thing. I can’t handle all these negative emotions. And to ‘think positive’ on top of it all. It’s all just too much. Wow.. there’s the emotion I was missing… overwhelmed. Fucking wonderful.
And I get to do it all again tomorrow…
Hey Miss Rose,
It’s the hardest thing to have your insides hurting so badly and no one can even see, even cares to offer a bit of compassion because they don’t know. To them, it seems like everything is okay. You’re not walking around on crutches even though the pain is just as real as if you were. I’m sorry you’re hurting. Keep writing. It really does help.
I accept you and love you just the way you are.
❤ thank you, project spider web. Just one little thing can ruin a perfectly good day. Even when that thing wasn't even a bad thing.
If only I could wrap my arms around you and keep the world and the pain and emotions away I would, and I would do it without any expectation.
Thank you for writing though, it’s… comforting to know I’m not alone.
Thank you for reading. I’ll give your blog a look-see.
I’ve been there. It’s a horrible place to be. Know that you are not alone. There are so many others out there who know exactly what you are feeling (this sounds like something I would have written myself, not that long ago) and are standing in solidarity with you. You are not alone.
Thank you, it is really helpful to know I’m not alone out there. It seems the ups are great – I’m at the top of a mountain, but my downs… they are in the depths of hell. . .
I totally relate to this. I personally think these things are chemical, and that’s the best way I’ve been able to deal with it … to think of it like having the flu, or quitting smoking. Just something the body throws at you, that you have to deal with. But it does take up so much time and energy. I hope that today is a good day for you.
Yes, today is good. Thanks so much!
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