Sometimes, even after having a good day, the day was bad.
I’m going to try to use my ‘I feel words’ as my therapist liked to say…
I feel like nothing.
I feel like everything inside me is breaking.
I feel like I shouldn’t exist on this world.
I’m a waste of space and resources.
I’m not good enough.
I can try to be the best I can be, but I will never amount to anything.
I just want the world to ignore me. Just let me be. Don’t bother talking to me.
I feel alone in the whole, wide world. Just let it eat me.
I feel like inside, I am dying. In my head, I’m drowning. It won’t end though. It’s like I’m undead inside, so the pain continues. Forever.
It won’t stop. It’s a monster inside me, laughing while I am drowning in my own sorrow.
Yes, I know people love me. Yes I know I will be missed if I cease to exist. Yes, I know some people will be angry for me writing this. I KNOW. But that doesn’t make the pain go away. It doesn’t make it any easier.
It’s hard to talk. It’s hard to breathe. A weight is just pushing me down into the ground, and no one notices but me. I still have to put on my happy face and ‘be ok for society.’ because people don’t know how to handle someone who is suffering internally.
I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to read, or eat, or play a video game. I just want to do nothing. So instead, I’m typing this. Somehow, it seems to help. I’m forced to do something. So, the tears fall, and I type.
What started this today? The feeling of realizing how much farther I have to go, and how big my dreams really are. How much work I have ahead of me. Realizing how much life I have to live with. My life isn’t even near being over. I have so much left to live. ‘You are young, you have time’ they say. No one realizes this means the shadow over me just got even bigger. It seems like it won’t ever end. Because if I keep on living, so will this monster, this cancerous thing inside me. It was hungry, so it took what little happiness I had, and ate it. Now, It feels like I’m back to my ‘normal’ self – empty.
The pain, the feeling of being alone, the dealing with it, the breathing, the studying, the working, the…the living. And then, I feel guilty for thinking that way. Because my friends and family wouldn’t want me to think that way. So, now, I’m feeling hopeless and guilty. Great. Just one more thing. I can’t handle all these negative emotions. And to ‘think positive’ on top of it all. It’s all just too much. Wow.. there’s the emotion I was missing… overwhelmed. Fucking wonderful.
And I get to do it all again tomorrow…