Monthly Archives: June 2014

Manic Time Bomb

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ticking time bombWhen I get to the point where I feel manic, I usually have a panic attack. I’m pissed, I’m depressed. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, and I want to break down and cry my heart out. I get shaky and snarky. Like, I judge everyone. That’s not me. Tonight, I was manic for about 4 hours without having an attack. I’m still on the edge. One extreme to the other. I can’t calm down, I can’t stop. I am seriously shaky and just drained. I can’t sleep, so I’m writing. Again. This seems to be the only thing that helps me. Putting my thoughts down.

Every little thing sets me off. I’m a time bomb. My mind is scrambled, I am forgetting everything. I am slipping. I can’t make good decisions. This is the time when I want to be medicated. These manic attacks. I live in manic now. It’s almost like I have split personalities. One minute, I’m super sensitive Heather, and the next, I am wanting to scream and break things.

Just fucking tear my heart out and get rid of it. I don’t need this. Take my brain too, because that seems to be part of the problem. I can’t think anyway. I can barely keep track of what I have to do each day. I have never felt so disorganized. I have never felt like I don’t have a hold on my life. I’m spiraling out of control, and there isn’t anything I can do to stop it. I’m trying, but it’s not good enough. I can’t accept help because I feel I am bringing other people down with me. I have to do this alone.

This is where I am begging for medication. Just put me out of my misery and drug me up so I can’t feel this way. But then, once I do start to feel like a normal human being again, I don’t want the meds anymore. I don’t need emotions, I don’t need to feel. Take away the good too, the bads aren’t worth it.
I’m frantic. I have too much to do, and I can’t do it all alone. I have to pack, train, take care of all my boarding dogs, my own dogs, clean, and list my house, along with all the other normal things like paying bills, shopping, and taking care of the house and the lawn. My normal household responsibilities just quadrupled. Plus everything I need to do to sell my house. I’m quite overwhelmed.

I’m making big decisions, and I feel so very much alone. No one is here to help me make these decisions. I have people who can give me advice, but the reality is that I have to do this by myself. I am alone in this void, and everyone else is on the outskirts, watching me. Some wishing they could help, others watching the show.

Make me numb. I like that feeling better. Please, let’s go back to that. I try to push people away when I’m here because all I’ll do is hurt them. I care about them, and I want them to back off so I don’t say something that would hurt them. Or freak them out by showing them this side. It’s not a pleasant thing to see me when I’m like this. I don’t want people seeing it. I freeze up, I’m quiet. It’s like a calmness right before a bomb goes off. I’m just afraid of the damage it causes when it actually goes off.

Anger in a dark place

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It comes in cycles. Sadness, hopelessness, the feeling of wanting to curl up and die. Then, comes the pissed off, no bullshit attitude where I don’t take anyone’s shit. I’m angry and hurt and mad at everything. I’m depressed, but pissed. I don’t sleep, which makes everything more maddening. I’m touchy, and can’t seem to actually cheer up. I have moments where I’m not in as much pain as normal.  I want to punch something. Violent video games and/or alcohol aren’t helping. Walks, baths, training, meditating, reading, nothing helps. My normal stress relievers aren’t working.

I’m productive when I’m pissed though. I can’t sleep, so I clean and pack, I advertise my business, I get shit done. I’m bold and assertive, sometimes abrasive. Not necessarily a good thing, and sometimes I use too much pressure when working a dog. In knowing this, I have chosen not to work with severely difficult dogs right now. Oh yeah, I get brave too. So, here’s my announcement.

I’m getting a divorce. My husband has moved out, and I’m moving out in the next few weeks. It’s too complicated to get into anything as to why right now, and honestly, I don’t want to talk about it. Bottom line, my security blanket is gone. My comfort level is at zero. My life is a mess, I feel like I’m floating, watching my life be torn apart. My business, my finances, my house, my mental state of mind, all dissolving.

I’m moving in with my best friends for the time being. I will still train, but I don’t do boarding, daycare, as many board and trains, or group classes. I may be able to start up group classes later in the summer, but right now, I need to focus on getting my life back together. I’m just focusing on private sessions right now, and making sure I always have at least one board and train for the next few months. I’m unhappy about having to do this, but I need to move out, and I need to move on.  And I am with the only people who make me happy. Of all the options I had, this is the best one. I need support more than I need anything right now, and I can still work and do what I love. Hopefully I’ll climb back up to the top of the cliff again…

So, as I mentioned previously, I’m shattered. I’m strong though, too. I can get through it, even though it seems I’m getting deeper and deeper in a sinking black hole. I’m not the first one to go through this, and other people have had way worse situations. I shouldn’t even be sad. There are starving kids in China, and people who don’t even have homes. I should buck up.

Invisible Battle Scars

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No one can see them. No one knows they are there unless they know you or if you have told them. You don’t want to tell people. You wish it was an external wound, like an amputated leg. Then, you wouldn’t have to explain. You put on a face to hide the scars so you don’t have to talk about it.

Why do we hide it? Are we ashamed? Are we scared someone will ask us how we are? Are we too proud to accept help? Whatever the reason, we do it.

Sometimes, we get so into pretending we’re fine, that we trick ourselves. We tell people we are fine, and actually believe it for a minute. Then, after they are gone, we realize we aren’t fine. Then, the feeling is back, and we are, yet again… alone.

I feel whiney, depressed, and pathetic. A burden to everyone around me. A charity case. No one really actually wants to help, but they do out of a feeling of obligation. They pity you. Maybe this is the depression talking, but that is the reason I have such a hard time accepting help. I don’t feel like anyone would actually want to help me. Why would they want a project friend? I’m broken, and to fix me takes too much work. I try to distance myself. I don’t want to drag anyone down with me. I should do this alone. This road is too dark to bring anyone else along. It would be a disservice to them.

Sleeping. I don’t do this much anymore. However, I fall asleep at the most inopportune times… like at the movies, at the salon when I’m getting my hair done, when I’m trying to work, or when I’m making dinner. One time this week, I fell asleep in the shower.

I don’t want to be this way. But I don’t know how to get up again. I’ve been kicked in the guts, and I don’t have the energy. “Do something for you” means sit around and feel mopey. I don’t want to do anything for me. I don’t want to do anything at all. I do the bare minimum to get me through the day. I’m not living. I’m surviving.

I’ll admit it now. I’m shattered.

Shattered Broken Strong

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I'm Heart BrokenA world turned upside down.

Everything I have worked for, dissolved. Gone in just one decision.

Plans made, and disappeared.

Dreams shattered. Steps taken back.

Decisions, so many decisions. Make them stop. Just make them for me.

Overwhelmed. Too many feelings. Drug me so I can’t feel them. I can’t take any more.  Make this go away. I don’t care if I’m numb. I don’t need feelings anyway. Lithium, take over from here.

Depressing thoughts accompany me. Envelope me. Feelings of self despair and hate. It’s my fault. I did this. I could have stopped this.

Thoughts of the end start to appear. Myemotional side fighting my logical side.

“You’re strong…” “It wouldn’t take much. Just do it.” “It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” “Just the thought makes me feel better.” “Stand up, you can do it.” “Just go to sleep, don’t wake up and you won’t feel anything” “There is light at the end, I promise”

STOP fighting. It’s exhausting. I can’t think. I can’t breathe. I can’t move.

I stand up, and start again. And I fall again. I can’t seem to keep my balance. I’ll just stay down.

I’m going against the grain already. I’m being pushed back, and I don’t have the strength to stand up again. Just let me lie here. Just for a while. Let me rest and just absorb the punches for a minute.

Don’t ask if I’m alright. I’m not. But then, I have to be. People count on me. Why? What do I have that can help them? There isn’t anything here, move on to the next person. I’m all out of things I can give people. I’m exhausted, drained. Out of service. Go somewhere else.