A world turned upside down.
Everything I have worked for, dissolved. Gone in just one decision.
Plans made, and disappeared.
Dreams shattered. Steps taken back.
Decisions, so many decisions. Make them stop. Just make them for me.
Overwhelmed. Too many feelings. Drug me so I can’t feel them. I can’t take any more. Make this go away. I don’t care if I’m numb. I don’t need feelings anyway. Lithium, take over from here.
Depressing thoughts accompany me. Envelope me. Feelings of self despair and hate. It’s my fault. I did this. I could have stopped this.
Thoughts of the end start to appear. Myemotional side fighting my logical side.
“You’re strong…” “It wouldn’t take much. Just do it.” “It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” “Just the thought makes me feel better.” “Stand up, you can do it.” “Just go to sleep, don’t wake up and you won’t feel anything” “There is light at the end, I promise”
STOP fighting. It’s exhausting. I can’t think. I can’t breathe. I can’t move.
I stand up, and start again. And I fall again. I can’t seem to keep my balance. I’ll just stay down.
I’m going against the grain already. I’m being pushed back, and I don’t have the strength to stand up again. Just let me lie here. Just for a while. Let me rest and just absorb the punches for a minute.
Don’t ask if I’m alright. I’m not. But then, I have to be. People count on me. Why? What do I have that can help them? There isn’t anything here, move on to the next person. I’m all out of things I can give people. I’m exhausted, drained. Out of service. Go somewhere else.