Anger in a dark place

It comes in cycles. Sadness, hopelessness, the feeling of wanting to curl up and die. Then, comes the pissed off, no bullshit attitude where I don’t take anyone’s shit. I’m angry and hurt and mad at everything. I’m depressed, but pissed. I don’t sleep, which makes everything more maddening. I’m touchy, and can’t seem to actually cheer up. I have moments where I’m not in as much pain as normal.  I want to punch something. Violent video games and/or alcohol aren’t helping. Walks, baths, training, meditating, reading, nothing helps. My normal stress relievers aren’t working.

I’m productive when I’m pissed though. I can’t sleep, so I clean and pack, I advertise my business, I get shit done. I’m bold and assertive, sometimes abrasive. Not necessarily a good thing, and sometimes I use too much pressure when working a dog. In knowing this, I have chosen not to work with severely difficult dogs right now. Oh yeah, I get brave too. So, here’s my announcement.

I’m getting a divorce. My husband has moved out, and I’m moving out in the next few weeks. It’s too complicated to get into anything as to why right now, and honestly, I don’t want to talk about it. Bottom line, my security blanket is gone. My comfort level is at zero. My life is a mess, I feel like I’m floating, watching my life be torn apart. My business, my finances, my house, my mental state of mind, all dissolving.

I’m moving in with my best friends for the time being. I will still train, but I don’t do boarding, daycare, as many board and trains, or group classes. I may be able to start up group classes later in the summer, but right now, I need to focus on getting my life back together. I’m just focusing on private sessions right now, and making sure I always have at least one board and train for the next few months. I’m unhappy about having to do this, but I need to move out, and I need to move on.  And I am with the only people who make me happy. Of all the options I had, this is the best one. I need support more than I need anything right now, and I can still work and do what I love. Hopefully I’ll climb back up to the top of the cliff again…

So, as I mentioned previously, I’m shattered. I’m strong though, too. I can get through it, even though it seems I’m getting deeper and deeper in a sinking black hole. I’m not the first one to go through this, and other people have had way worse situations. I shouldn’t even be sad. There are starving kids in China, and people who don’t even have homes. I should buck up.

4 thoughts on “Anger in a dark place

  1. Anger, sadness, yup you’ll have those and yes it’s perfectly normal. But, hopeless…nope can’t give you that one. You’re too amazing for hopeless. Don’t get me wrong, it is painful and scary, but you’ll get through one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Oh yeah, the not sleeping thing, call your doc. That needs to stop. Many people love you. I barely know you, but believe me I’ve been there, depression, anxiety, 2 divorces… See that spec when you close your eyes, it’s light and you’ll get there. HUGS!!

    • Thank you, Kathy. I don’t feel amazing right now. I feel overwhelmed, and devastated. I am pretty much always on the verge of breaking down, but somehow I keep pushing through it. I have no idea how.

  2. Well, there it is. I love you so much and am so sad that all this is going on. I wish I knew how I could make this all better, but of course I know I can’t. Just know that we love you very much and always will.

    • I know you do. And it means so much you guys care about me as much as you do. I wish I could take a magic pill and make this feeling go away.

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