When I get to the point where I feel manic, I usually have a panic attack. I’m pissed, I’m depressed. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, and I want to break down and cry my heart out. I get shaky and snarky. Like, I judge everyone. That’s not me. Tonight, I was manic for about 4 hours without having an attack. I’m still on the edge. One extreme to the other. I can’t calm down, I can’t stop. I am seriously shaky and just drained. I can’t sleep, so I’m writing. Again. This seems to be the only thing that helps me. Putting my thoughts down.
Every little thing sets me off. I’m a time bomb. My mind is scrambled, I am forgetting everything. I am slipping. I can’t make good decisions. This is the time when I want to be medicated. These manic attacks. I live in manic now. It’s almost like I have split personalities. One minute, I’m super sensitive Heather, and the next, I am wanting to scream and break things.
Just fucking tear my heart out and get rid of it. I don’t need this. Take my brain too, because that seems to be part of the problem. I can’t think anyway. I can barely keep track of what I have to do each day. I have never felt so disorganized. I have never felt like I don’t have a hold on my life. I’m spiraling out of control, and there isn’t anything I can do to stop it. I’m trying, but it’s not good enough. I can’t accept help because I feel I am bringing other people down with me. I have to do this alone.
This is where I am begging for medication. Just put me out of my misery and drug me up so I can’t feel this way. But then, once I do start to feel like a normal human being again, I don’t want the meds anymore. I don’t need emotions, I don’t need to feel. Take away the good too, the bads aren’t worth it.
I’m frantic. I have too much to do, and I can’t do it all alone. I have to pack, train, take care of all my boarding dogs, my own dogs, clean, and list my house, along with all the other normal things like paying bills, shopping, and taking care of the house and the lawn. My normal household responsibilities just quadrupled. Plus everything I need to do to sell my house. I’m quite overwhelmed.
I’m making big decisions, and I feel so very much alone. No one is here to help me make these decisions. I have people who can give me advice, but the reality is that I have to do this by myself. I am alone in this void, and everyone else is on the outskirts, watching me. Some wishing they could help, others watching the show.
Make me numb. I like that feeling better. Please, let’s go back to that. I try to push people away when I’m here because all I’ll do is hurt them. I care about them, and I want them to back off so I don’t say something that would hurt them. Or freak them out by showing them this side. It’s not a pleasant thing to see me when I’m like this. I don’t want people seeing it. I freeze up, I’m quiet. It’s like a calmness right before a bomb goes off. I’m just afraid of the damage it causes when it actually goes off.
Yes, sweetie, I know you feel alone, but you stated it clearly when you said people are on the side lines, some wanting to help. Support doesn’t mean do it for you, it means standing along side and encouraging you and offering advice when asked. The blogging is very good for you and I know that it helps you process, which is a very good thing. I love you and I ache for you. I deeply feel your pain, sorrow, loss and overwhelmedness…I totally get it. I am here to listen and to offer counsel if requested. Yes, the decisions and a lot of the work you have to do can only be done by you. But advice, encouragement and a loving face are all around you. It is a struggle, but life is a struggle. Life is not fair and it is not easy. Just know that you are only alone as much as you choose to be. I love you very much Heather and you’re absolutely breaking my heart.