I have finally started to come out of my ‘down’ and have reached the ‘manic joy’ stage. I’m overly excited about everything, I can do everything, and I can take on the world. It’s better because I’m productive and I can finally get stuff done. But at the same time, this stage is exhausting too, because I have to do everything. I have to, or I feel jittery, incomplete, insane.
I have started to come into this stage at a good time though. My house is totally spotless, I’m almost all the way unpacked, my dogs are exercised, bathed, and trained every day. And I still have time to play every day and do something fun.
It’s a good feeling to not be miserable, but I didn’t sleep before because I have nightmares. Now, I can’t sleep because my brain won’t turn off, and I have to keep doing things. Short post today.
Just when I thought things were getting to the point where I couldn’t take any more, and there wasn’t anywhere to go but up…I get knocked right down again. Hard. Like, I can’t get up, and I have no willpower to continue.
For the first time since this whole thing started, I feel like it isn’t going to end. More and more bad things keep happening. Even itty bitty small things are being monumental. If I drop a dish, or have a dog have an accident in the house right now, I feel like I just might break down, have a panic attack, and I won’t be able to continue living. I somehow have been able to pick myself up every time. I don’t want to get up this time. I just want to stay down so I can’t get kicked down again.
Everything that I try to do is ending in failure. A complete disaster. One bad call after another. Every decision I am making is worst than the last. How do I continue on when I’m making decisions that keep making things worse? There is no right answer. The consequences of those decisions haunt me.