Sometimes, certain events will knock us down. Hard.
Other events will make us feel like we are sky high and can do anything. And then we do.
And then we realize we are all just people. We all have issues, we all have stories, traumas, and it can always be worse.
Sometimes, you have to take a step back and realize you have to let some things go. As hard as it may be. You’ll know the time to move on, and you’ll know when you are strong enough to stand up again and face the challenges that come with being human in this fucked up world.
So much pain. So much emotion. Memories and the stories sometimes get in the way of us moving forward on with our lives. But I can’t see it that way. I don’t see it as getting in the way. I see them as rocks and potholes in the road on our way somewhere.
I have always believed the journey is more important than the destination. And when it seems like you are finally getting close to being there, the road or the conditions change. You face an unexpected storm, and your route is altered.
Sometimes, you get derailed. You crash. I crashed. And sometimes, you never really recover from these crashes. The scars will be there forever. Some people won’t understand why you can’t move on after the injuries are healed. It’s a phantom pain. The actual wound isn’t there anymore, but the memory of it happening is still so mentally jarring.
When other people don’t understand, it hurts us more. All we want is someone to listen. Don’t try to fix anything, just listen to us vent and remember and cry and break down. No one can fix it. I don’t want anyone to fix it.
I’m past the point of screaming, and I’m at the point where I’m using distractions to help me heal. Movies, friends, cooking, games, working out, and working very hard to stay in a balanced state of mind.
Those little things that sent me wanting to jump off the edge before just have me irritated now. I’m healing. Slowly. And I’m starting to notice the world around me again.
This thing has been one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. Losing the person I spent my entire adult life with. Going through the death of a marriage. I wish these feelings upon no one. I am generally a very happy person. Being broken is exhausting, and it’s even worse when people tell you to get over it, move on, forget about it. The numbing pain gets so excruciatingly sharp. I have lost so much, I can’t turn off my feelings. What I needed to heal was time and space to breathe by myself.
When I shut down, when I am hurting to the point where it feels like my heart is about to literally break, I don’t need people to tell me it’s going to be fine in the future. I know, but that doesn’t make me feel better now. I want to take time, meditate, be alone, and think. Mentally heal. I was torn apart.
Alright, I’m a nerd and this is totally a geeky reference, but this is what I can relate to. My Hyrule was turned into the Dark World. Everything was the same, but demented. Monsters and demons invested all my thoughts. It seemed I had tasks to complete, even though I didn’t agree with everything. I did them because I was progressing in my healing. I was escalating through the murky swamp that was my cognitive thinking. Nothing made sense. And then, finally, I feel a little bit of peace.
I can breathe, I can think, I can be. I can go as fast or as slow as I need to. I’m not rushed, I’m not ushered into making a decision. I’m me again. Though, I still have moments of the dark world, I can finally function normally and I don’t have a feeling of uselessness anymore. I’m starting to breathe on my own again.
I look up and realize the sky is blue. I haven’t seen the sky in so long. I haven’t actually felt the rain or a breeze. I know it’s there, but I didn’t pay attention. I can feel again. And feeling is good.
I’m listening and I love you. You are healing and you are getting over it and you are moving forward. Maybe not at the pace some people would like but they aren’t you. I know you are doing the best you can and that is all anybody can do. You are and always will be precious to me.
Thank you, Kirk. 🙂 I love you too, and I appreciate all the support I have received from you and Bonnie. It means so much to me.
Heather, I have been “off” of the blogosphere for a very long time because…well, for a lot of reasons. I have been catching up tonight with what you have been going through, and much of what you have written, if this doesn’t sound arrogant, sounds like my heart being written in someone else’s words. I am so so sorry that you are living this pain. When you say, “When other people don’t understand, it hurts us more. All we want is someone to listen. Don’t try to fix anything, just listen to us vent and remember and cry and break down. No one can fix it. I don’t want anyone to fix it.”
Yes. Yes, that resonates so deeply.
Know that someone out here is listening. I know I can’t fix it, and no, I don’t want others to fix me either. But I am glad you are looking up and seeing the blue sky. “Out of these ashes, beauty will rise…and we will dance among the ruins, we will see it with our own eyes. Out of this darkness new life will shine, and we’ll know joy is coming in the morning.” It will take time, and trips, and falls, and setbacks, but there will be beauty in the ashes.
Again, thank you so much for your kind words. It’s been a long time since I broke down, and last night was the first one in about a month. August was a good month, and September has been until last night. I feel so … disorganized and distracted. I know it is going to take time, but it’s so up and down, it’s exhausting.
Be patient with yourself. Your whole world has been turned upside down. It’s no wonder you feel disorganized and distracted. Order will come back to your life and your thoughts over time…right now just let what is, be, and be gentle with yourself. I know I said that before, but it is so important, especially for people like you and I who tend to be hyper-critical of every move we make.
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