I am working heavily with a therapist this week to help me with some of my personal issues. I have done quite a lot of self exploration, and I have one big issue that I really need to work on… Control. A lot of people struggle with wanting to control every little thing in their lives. I want to learn not to. So, I’m practicing this week, and learning more about what I need to do in situations where I would normally get upset, anxious, and try to control the situation.
Some of the things I have done are: plan every single second of the day, ask “what are you doing?”, “who are you texting?”, be over critical of myself, judge myself and others harshly, clean the entire house before I go on vacation because I feel like everything isn’t perfect, feel the need to be right, lack of trust, send myself into panic attacks if things aren’t the way I want them, I don’t listen, I micromanage, I can’t relax, I’m not flexible, and I get jealous.
These are not things I have done in a really long time, yet I’m falling back in to old habits. Why? After talking with my therapist, I’ve pieced this together this week as well. Remember when I broke my foot? I felt I lost a lot of my independence since I couldn’t do anything with my business. I managed my moods fairly well for the first few months, but then when I was up on my feet again, since I still couldn’t do everything, I fell into this weird inner-depression like I’ve never felt before. Not like normal… like I felt I wasn’t good enough in any way. I couldn’t walk properly (limp), and it made me feel weak and ugly and ridiculous. I became very self conscious. I was angry at myself for not healing faster, and it caused me to cycle rapidly and lash out in a controlling way, and fall back into this horrible downward spiral.
I also forgot how to manage my anxiety myself and used my boyfriend as a coping tool. That’s not fair to either of us. I have to re-learn how to handle this without using him as a crutch. That’s not his job, and it’s unfair to him. I have had a few panic attacks this week, and was able to get out of them in a fairly quick amount of time (5-15 min) unlike previously when it may be an hour. I do want his support, but I need to do this on my own too. One thing he does that I really like is when I’m anxious at night, he’ll hold me and hum a song to me. So, when I panicked, I held a dog, and listened to my breathing. I was able to calm myself down and manage it.
I am taking this week to really focus on working through that control and finding peace. I am practicing self-acceptance, reminding myself I’m beautiful and independent. I’m forcing myself to eat, sleep, and breathe through meditation and not letting myself fall into the anxiety-ridden roller coaster ride I have been on in the past. I have a few therapy sessions this week to help me work through everything. I will also be receiving a reiki session from an old friend this week, which is very helpful for emotional healing. I am not planning anything, and just doing what I want, instead of trying to plan every single thing for the day. I’m just winging it… which is foreign to me, but I’m finding it very refreshing.
I am learning to slow down and pay attention when people talk to me, listen to them fully, and absorb the information they are telling me, before I speak. I’m also trying to see the other person’s side of things, so I can understand what they are going through, and how I can help. A few other things I have been doing that I want to stop doing are things like nitpicking/nagging, bringing up the past in a negative way, worrying/stressing over things that don’t matter, and bringing up what if’s. None of those things are productive or healthy. In fact, it’s very damaging to both people. I’m committed to stopping this behavior, and letting these types of things go, and also letting go of the control. I do have a longer list, but those are some of the big ones.
So, this week, I have researched a bunch of ways to help myself become a more balanced person while relinquishing the control, learning to forgive and move on, and letting things go. Basically, learning to be a much more calm individual. I have used essential oils, meditation, physical exercise, healthy thought patterns, a journal about my goals, therapy sessions, my dogs, and using good friends as sounding boards.
Now, these changes need to happen because I have not been handling stress in a healthy way in my life lately. And it doesn’t only hurt me. It hurts the people I love the most. So, the changes need to happen. And this week is all about learning, education, and focusing on my needs to make my goals a reality.