In the journey of finding my missing pieces this week and working on self improvement, I found out I have an addiction. This is hard to admit, as we never like to learn these things about ourselves. But it has given me clarity and a sense of peace and I am committed to the changes that make us stronger people.
I have an emotional addiction. What this means is when things are ‘normal’, we need to take on more to make things exciting. There are usually negative emotions we are addicted to (fear, sadness, anger) and we continue to do things to cause these emotions because of the release of chemicals into our body, like most drugs. We seem to pick fights, make mountains out of molehills, take on more than we can handle, and stress about things we can’t control. Which leads to lots of other emotions, but this is how we get there. There’s that word again, control. Yes, people who have an addiction to emotions are controlling and what comes with that? Selfishness. BOOM-arrow to the heart…
I had an epiphany last night when talking with a friend for a few hours, and I realized a lot of my unbalance in my life has been caused by this addiction. It also creates something called ‘Relationship Addiction‘. This is a type of addiction where you use your partner as a type of ‘fix’ to get that emotional response you are craving. Guess what… I was doing all of that. I didn’t even know this was a possibility, nor a real type of addiction. So, before I can ever make anyone else happy and be in a healthy relationship, I need to focus on myself first.
I’m ready to work on my rehabilitation and learn how to manage this better. There is a local clinic that specializes in working with people who have unbalance in their life and have issues like this. I will also be learning how to better communicate when trying to get a point across when emotions are high. This is a 3hr class once a week for 6 months. As I am committed to myself to make changes for the better, I will be getting information on this class to see when I can start, how much it costs, when the classes are, etc. Since I run my own schedule, I can plan around it.
Finding this out about myself was emotional. But personal growth is always difficult. This knowledge has brought me to a “truth” of sorts. I also found out this week, a “truth” in a religious setting means when it makes sense logically to you, but you also truly feel it and believe it with all your heart. Finding out this truth has brought me a sense of peace, and a sense of purpose. Finding this out puts you on a high. I’m still deciding if I’m manic after getting my mind blown with this information last night, or if I’m riding this high of knowledge of self awareness.
I will continue to update you all as I continue to find my pieces and who my inner self is. This is the beginning of a beautiful lifelong journey I never knew I would ever take part in. When faced with emotional trauma, we either lift ourselves up, or we beat ourselves down. I have usually done the latter.