Love Yourself

“If I loved myself truly and deeply, would I let myself experience this?”

“If you’ve had a thought once, it has no power over you. Repeat it again and again, especially with emotional intensity, feeling it, and over time, you’re creating a groove, a mental river. Then it controls you.”

“The goal here is to create a groove deeper than the ones laid down over the years – the ones that create disempowering feelings.”

These are all quotes from Kamal Ravidant, “Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It”

painPeople who are going through a trauma, or a change, or trying to self improve know who they want to be, but usually they don’t know HOW to do it. How do I be better? Willpower. That’s how. Set goals. Stick to them. Oh, ok. Well, that’s easy…not.

Any action you do can either move you towards or away from your goals. Does this decision help me? How? I used to have self destructive patterns where I would fall into depressive emotional loops for days at a time. How did I stop? I literally refused to do it again. I refused to shut down and give up. Right, but how?

Find a thought. A goal. And stick it in your head. And repeat it. Over and over again. Every time you start down that path, say it out loud. Again and again, even if you don’t believe it. That’s what Kamal did in his book and that’s what I did. I refuse to let stress take over and send me back into those depressive, destructive ways. Those thoughts don’t have a place in my head anymore. Literally, I push them out. Ok, BUT HOW?! Willpower. I focused on that one thought. I made a deep, powerful vow to myself, just like Kamal did. One really late night, I just realized what I needed to do. It just came to me.

My thought was: “I am in control of my own state of mind. I will not let anyone or anything control how I feel or how I act. I am in control of my own life.”

I said this to myself a few times, and then I believed it. My brain works fast; it heals fast, it thinks fast, it works fast. It was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders immediately when I started to believe this. I felt free. Peaceful. What is, is. What will be, will be. I don’t control anything besides myself. I let everything else go. Just like that. For the first time in my life, not having any control doesn’t give me anxiety or fear. It just is. I just control my own feelings and my own actions. Nothing else in the world is as important as this. It is empowering to have this feeling, but not in a powerful “I can do anything” way. But more in a tranquil, carefree, zen-like way. I observe others without judgment, I listen without wanting to add my own stories, I enjoy each moment without worrying about what is going to happen or what others think. I just be, and I feel like my soul is a silent lake. No fish under the surface, no ripples, totally still without any interruption. I appreciate the little things more, and see how absolutely amazing the world is and how beautiful every person is.

“Memory is not set in stone. The more you remember something, especially if it’s emotionally charged, the more you will reinforce the pathways connecting the neurons.”

This also goes into something I have learned from years of therapy. Let yourself feel it. The emotions that are brought up in a memory shouldn’t be fought. Let yourself feel those emotions, and then let them go. Cry, be angry, be sad, scream, feel the anxiety, and let it pass. Don’t fight it, just let it go and move on. Take the time, every time (dog training reference). Take the time to understand the feelings, process them, and then ACTUALLY let them go. This is how we grow. Don’t fight or hide them. Fear and fighting always make it worse. Face it, and overcome the emotional block. Think about the emotions, the blocks, the challenge or whatever it is that is handicapping you, and ask yourself if it is real. Most of the time, it is our mind making it into something much bigger than it is. Let yourself take a step back and see the problem, then make a decision. Don’t get caught up in the ‘I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what’s going to happen’ trap. Make a decision and move forward, or you will be in the same destructive pattern, and you won’t ever let go or process. Things don’t ‘just happen’ or ‘work out’, that’s not how the world works. When the mind is left to itself (dog training reference again), it repeats the same stories, memories and thoughts. Most of the time, these don’t serve us and get us stuck in yet another loop. Get out of the loop. The only way to get out is to fully commit with as much intensity as you can to your truth. Or your vow. Or whatever it is.

Easier said than done, but if you really want to change, you can do this. Set your goal, repeat it. Believe it. It worked for me, and I love myself. I love my life, and I love the world I live in. Because I choose to.

Healthy Addiction

Right after those big decisions are when you start to think about the “What’s next?” questions. And if it has to do with relationships, I feel like you always want to go out and look for the next person to fill the space. From my experiences… this is exactly what you shouldn’t do. Because you end up having stupid sex, using people, attaching unhealthily to someone, making mistakes, and never truly growing or healing from the damage.

This is what I have done in the past, and I made stupid decisions, got involved in very inappropriate relationships, had stupid pointless sex, used people to avoid my pain instead of dealing with it, and guess what? Never healed. Huh… and everyone says ‘take some time for you’. Yeah, ok. Harder said than done. They say until you are happy being by yourself, enjoying your own company with no ‘help’ from other people or distractions (healthy or unhealthy), you shouldn’t go out and meet new people. So, I’m (again) trying to learn about me. And there are a few patterns I’ve fallen into that I want to change.

First, I don’t like doing many things by myself anymore. I don’t like watching movies or playing games by myself. Which is weird since I only own mostly one player games, and that was my main hobby about 4 years ago. I’m different now I guess. I’m fine to go anywhere by myself, do workshops, teach, meet people, workout, drive, go out to bars, clubs, and go out and eat dinner alone, but I don’t like being HOME alone and doing things. So I’m never home. I’ve been working out a lot for the last few months. I live in my workout clothes now, because I never know when I may want to do a quick ab workout, or stop at the gym on my way home from somewhere. Yeah, SUUUPER healthy. (*sarcasm*)

Secondly, I don’t like boredom or loneliness, and want to spend my time with someone. This is where I got into trouble before. I was using people to fill up my time so I didn’t have to be home alone. To me, people were just there for my convenience. Disposable, I guess you could say. Until someone came along that I didn’t want to dispose of after a few dates or whatever. Anyway, I’m not filling my loneliness with people this time, I’m going to try to find things to do for myself that make me a better person. Other things than always working out. I’m writing again in my blog (I usually start to write more when I’m having the ‘feelings disease’), so that’s healthy, right? I’m trying to make time every night to read a chapter in any of my self improvement books. And I’m trying to do something with my dogs every day. I’ve gotten lazy with them, so they are struggling. I need to spend the time with them so they don’t become monsters. They’ve had a lot of change in their lives too, I can’t forget about them. It’s not their fault they are regressing.

Thirdly, I can’t help but think about things. I go over every detail, every mistake, everything I found out, everything that was said (or not said), energies, etc. And each time, I don’t find anything I could have done differently for a different outcome. Which reassures me, but my heart is broken. I’m not happy. I didn’t want to do this. I felt I had to. Doing something I really didn’t want to do, but thinking I didn’t have a choice anymore. It’s a pretty shitty place to be in. I feel like no matter which choices I make, I’ll be miserable. So I go out and work out more. My escape from these fucked up feelings that are like wrecking balls inside my brain… Don’t sing it, people. Let it go… Fuck. Anywho, that’s my healthy addiction. At least it isn’t alcohol or drugs or porn or tinder or … I’m stopping. And clearly very bitter today.

Fourthly, I think about the “what ifs”. This is just plain stupid and I should stop. What ifs are ridiculous because there are too many variables that can change the scope of what happened. I can’t just say ‘Well, if this happened, then X wouldn’t have happened.’ That’s bullshit. Because well, sure, if THAT didn’t happen, then we would be in a different place, but I’m sure something else would have happened, and we may be in a worse place. Or maybe it wouldn’t have changed anything at all. Or maybe, if this happened, and I handled it this way, then …OMG, I’m talking to myself. I’m done with this ludicrous paragraph.

And lastly, cooking. I love cooking, but I hate cooking for just me. I would much rather cook a meal for someone else and not even eat it than just cook for myself. So I drink protein shakes and eat like crap. I’m training and nutrition is important. So, this is super great (*Sarcasm … again*)I’m not eating enough, again. So I’m cranky, irritable, starving, and have no motivation to change anything. It doesn’t help I don’t have a stove or an oven. Or a microwave. So cooking in itself is challenging. Maybe I’ll just go raw. I’ve been vegan before, this can’t be too tough. Let’s add another project to my already chaotic life, that’s a great idea. (*sarcasm, Sherlock*) Wow, I’m pessimistic today. This is what happens when I’m at home, I need to get out. Going to go find something to do that will keep my heart rate up…again. For the third time today, I need to get out and work out.

Now I’m going around in circles again. I’m “stuck”. I feel like I’m in that endless loop where I’m trying to better myself, but I’m getting caught up in the same spot every time, and then I get frustrated after a while, and revert back. At least I’m not doing something that can hurt me or other people. It’s a “healthy” addiction, right? I’m in denial now. Whatever. I’m going on a trail ride with my dogs…or something.

Healthy Painful Decisions

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Decisions that are healthy for us are usually the hardest ones to make. The small decisions like to have or not to have ice cream after dinner, grilled chicken vs McDonalds are even sometimes difficult. When it comes to the big ones, it’s downright heartbreaking in a lot of cases. And even though the decision makes sense, it doesn’t make it easy.

When everything in your head is telling… no, SCREAMING the same thing over and over, it is usually a telling sign you know what the right answer is. But you also want to avoid impulsive decisions if it hasn’t been something screaming at you for long. Fighting things like that are what I do best. I wanted to see the good and to see the end game. I was ignoring what was right in front of me, and not seeing it for what it was. In my case, the end game isn’t reality. It’s a dream. A dream from a fairytale. Fairy tales don’t exist, and the dream I wanted isn’t real. I wanted to believe that work could be done to save it. But, at the end of every day, I wasn’t happy.

fightWhen the decision is made and executed, you know it was right or you know it was wrong. When it feels right, it doesn’t mean you feel good about it. And it doesn’t mean the recovery will be peaceful or painless. In fact, in my experience, you are rushed with many emotions that cycle throughout you for the next few days. Your body needs time to adjust to the shock, the adrenaline, the fear, excitement.. whatever else kind of emotions there are when you make your decision. Mine was a deep sense of loss, relief, and a want to run far away to get away from everything for a few days and process these overwhelming emotions.

worthAs I stated in my previous blog post a few days ago, accepting the pain and knowing you are doing it for something that makes you better is how you should handle these things. Breathe through it, just breathe. This is incredibly painful, but I knew it would be. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I’m letting myself feel the pain, breathing through it and I’m letting go. I’m finally letting this go. I know I have done everything I could and more, and I know I can’t say I could have done any better.

I feel as if I not only did everything right, but I put all the tools I learned into play, and I feel like I am making the best decision for me. I also feel I am making the best decision for him. It’s not my place to say what he’s going through, but this is what I felt I needed to do for both of us. Because I love him, I have to leave him. I have to let him go. For me and my own personal reasons, but also because he can’t thrive with me right now. He can’t do this with me, and as much as it hurts when mistakes were made, it hurts more that we can’t face these challenges together.

letgoSo, I made the decision, and I’m accepting the pain. I’m also looking at the bigger picture and realizing this is what we both needed. It was too soon to reconcile. And I’m accepting that too. I feel disappointed and very sad, but I also have the closure and peace of mind knowing I did everything. I literally gave it all the energy I had. I sacrificed time and energy I normally would have used on myself, or on my business, and focused on the relationship. At the end of the day, I was exhausted from working on the relationship so much, I never had anything left for me. I’m at peace, and I will be ok. I’m not regretting anything, and I’m handling the emotions by just letting myself feel them, knowing I did my very best to do everything I could on my end. Shit happens. Let it go and carry on.

What Is Love?

soulbeautyI love everyone. Every single person I come in contact with is loved by me in some way. I choose to see the good in people. I choose to see beauty, and I see that everywhere I go. I see that in the mountains outside my house, the stars in the sky at night, in the personality of my dogs, and in the mechanics of my car. I choose to see beauty in absolutely everything. In people, I see their physical looks of course, but more importantly, I feel I can see the beauty of their soul. I start talking to people, and in just a few seconds of meeting them, I see them radiate their own special aura of beauty. I see their personality shine through when they speak, smile, work with their dog or interact with their family. And to me, every person is incredible and beautiful in their own unique way.

In the people closest to me; my friends and family and my clients, I have a very special opportunity to get to know them a little better. And in doing so, I get to know what makes them tick a little closer. I get to know their strengths, their weaknesses, and their fears. In working with my clients’ dogs, I build a sort of very personal relationship, and I do see habits and personalities that some of their closest friends don’t even notice. And I love this part of my job. I can help people with those weaknesses and build confidence, which is empowering to them. I see it and it brings me joy when the concepts click and they are proud of themselves. That is one of my very favorite parts about my job. That’s one of things that makes me tick.

With some of my clients, I become friends with them. I start to care about their families and what they are doing on a daily basis with their dogs. More so than just on a professional level. I try very hard to make sure boundaries don’t get crossed. Just like a therapist and their patient, it’s important to not encroach on their patients’ personal lives. I have met some of my very best friends through my career, but it’s always friend or dog trainer in those moments. I go into a zone on either one. This has taken some practice on how to “turn off” either side.

I am a transparent person. I never lie (I’m not very good at it anyway), and I expect the same from my clients and the people in my life. When I am lied to, it deeply damages my soul, and my ability to see the beauty in people. I have been lied to, betrayed, hurt, and broken in the darkest of ways. Repeatedly. So, my soul isn’t as beautiful as it used to be. It has pockmarks and scars throughout. Once again, I feel as if my soul is dark and twisty and broken.

I’m looking past the scars and sometimes gaping wounds of my clients when they come to me for help with their dogs, so I’m trying to look past my own. I won’t hide, I won’t retreat. I’ll just keep going and give the wounds time to heal. The wounds that other people keep inflicting on me. I protect myself, but eventually I get tired, and let my guard down. Then I get clubbed with ugliness and evil. I always get up, but I take on these new battle scars each time.

Regardless of my battle scars, I will never stop loving deeply, or seeing the beauty in every person I meet. No one can take this from me. I will always get up eventually. And no one else is in charge of my feelings but me. I choose to be happy, I choose to be in control of my emotions and my state of mind.

Sometimes, in helping another person through some of their problems, I heal a little bit of me. Sometimes, being broken in company is the best kind of remedy. I helped someone release a little bit of emotion today. And it made me see how absolutely beautiful they were. A little later in the same day, she was there for me when I needed to be healed. I’m hoping it did the same to her, as it did to me.

beauty

Today, I faced one of my biggest fears. I haven’t been inside of a church willingly in over 10 years. Walking up to the doors of the church took me 2 tries. I stalled and answered a phone call first, and then took some deep breaths, accepted it was going to hurt… and then let it go and moved on. And I walked in. I got a little nervous again walking down a long, narrow hallway with closed doors on either side. I felt very claustrophobic, but I kept walking. I just focused on my breathing, and how this is for a good cause. I needed to do this. I got to the end of the hallway and reached my destination. I felt a huge sense of accomplishment for just a few seconds. And then I realized where I was.

I was attending a client’s funeral. I was invited to attend this intimate event and robinjablonmourn the loss of this client with her family and friends. She was an incredibly beautiful person, and the way I remember her, she was always smiling and had a warm, inviting presence. She was there for me in my own time of loss, and was incredibly supportive. Nothing but loving energy from her, telling me everything will be ok, and that I’ll become stronger from my trials. She said she would pray for me, and that I deserve all the happiness in the world. I truly believe she meant that when she told me that, and I felt a sense of peace.

I helped her with her dog for about a year previously, but as she started to get sicker and sicker, her dog sensed that and became more and more possessive. I didn’t put together the dots on this until later, so we did more sessions, and I helped her with confidence and leadership building, but we weren’t making much progress. It was shortly after our last session that she was diagnosed with brain cancer. It was around midnight in early December that she messages me on my business page. She said she had a brain tumor and was losing her vision, and was so scared of death. She didn’t know what to do, but she felt like she wanted to reach out to me, that we had a connection and she wanted to tell me. I felt deep sadness for her, and I wish I could have teleported to where she was to hold her and give her the type of energy she gave me in my time of need.

I wanted to remember this client as the beautiful soul she was, so I didn’t want to see her in the open casket. I could still see her face, and the top of her head. And even though I didn’t go up to see her closely, she was radiant. She was beautiful, even while sleeping eternally. And she was loved deeply. Everyone had such wonderful things to say about her, and it made me think about her husband and her family a lot. They had such touching words to share about him as well. “Her boys were her greatest accomplishments”, “Her family was the best gift she could ever receive in this life”, “She loved her family with all her heart”… And then the things they were saying about her husband. “He gave her the life she always wanted, and she lived it to her fullest”, “He was the perfect husband”, “Not once did I ever hear her complain about him, or say you two had an argument”, “You were her best friend and treated her with such kindness”, “Billy, you were her guardian angel. She always did like the thrill rides and did scary things at 59 like white water rapids”, “Billy, she’s waiting for you in Heaven”. I’m not religious, but these words got me more than anything else said. I am very spiritual, and when I die, I hope someone is saying those things to my partner. Life is too short and precious. I want my life to be filled with beauty and love. This was a bittersweet reminder of what I have been missing.

It also got me thinking to what I would do if I suddenly died. What’s most important to me, and who? Who deserves to make decisions for me in death? What type of service do I want? Let’s be clear. I don’t want to be buried in an expensive box. I want to go back to the Earth. Let me decompose and be born again into a tree. I want to be part of the beauty that is this world. I want my friends and family to bring their dogs to my service. I don’t want sad music or churches. I want to have a gathering of everyone I love (which, as I said…is everyone) come and talk about silly, funny, happy stories about my life. Tears are fine, but I want people to be more happy than mourning. I want my dogs to be taken care of by people who love them as deeply as I do. I want my business to be sold to someone who has a passion for training and teaching, or be shut down and have the money go towards my friends and family who have helped me get to where I am (“am” meaning at my time of death).

So, to conclude this very long blog post, I am choosing to be happy. I am in charge of my life and how I feel. I choose to see beauty in everyone. I hope that this blog post finds everyone healthy and happy, and if not, choose to see the beauty in the world. It won’t show itself to you unless you are receptive enough to pay attention. Be mindful of the world and its’ energies and make it a better place. CHOOSE to be happy. CHOOSE to see beauty. Only you can make this happen for yourself.  Be the change you wish to see in the world. Those words were never as clear to me as they are now. It’s like I’m hearing them for the first time.

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Tattoo Enlightenment

I’ve been getting some work done on a big leg piece, and today, we were filling in quite a bit of color. After about 45 minutes or so, it’s starting to get raw and painful. So, I’m vocal about it. The owner of the shop was walking through, and he’s almost 100% covered in vibrant, gorgeous tattoos. Yeah, even in the “sensitive” bits (holy crap was I impressed!) He noticed I was really struggling, and started up a very enlightening conversation with me.

moomba tattoo sketch ffviii

Fan art drawing I found

He told me everything that’s worth anything in life requires going through pain. The things we have gone through in our own lives are way more painful than what getting a tattoo feels like. Go through the pain to come out the other side a better person. When talking about tattoos specifically, you are going through the pain to express yourself and feel better about yourself by adding this onto your body. If you just breathe through it and accept the pain, it’s way easier on both you and the artist. With anything in life, you have to go through some hard things to learn valuable lessons. He said stop fighting it, and accept it hurts, and it won’t be nearly as bad. You’ll be in a better mental state, and you’ll feel more accomplished after it’s finished.

Huh… fight… flight… avoidance… acceptance. Familiar? These are also the four choices any dog has when faced with a stressor. My job is to help them reach acceptance, which can take quite a bit of time in some cases. Personally, I fight (a lot), and then flight sometimes (In a tattoo’s case, I literally try to have the rest of my body crawl away from the pain)… I never reach acceptance when dealing with pain. I put up a huge fuss about it and bitch and act like a baby. So, this time, I breathed through it, and focused on the end result.

moomba ffviii

Original Moomba from the game

This tattoo means something really deep to me. I haven’t been able to accurately express what this creature signifies to me when explaining it to another person. It’s a childhood feeling of nostalgia. When I’m down, feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or feeling belittled, I think about this creature subconsciously. I never realized I did it until recently, however. I’ve had a fanart picture in my drawing notebook for years, and I found it when I was packing up some of my things.

The creature itself is called a Moomba and represents purity, bravery, friendship, selflessness, courage, integrity, nobility and strength. I also think these creatures are incredibly intelligent, but not in a ‘booksmart’ way, but with morals. They help people who deserve it, they would give every last thing they own to someone who is in need, they will defend the weak, they stand by their word, never lie, and they don’t give up when things get hard, they dream big. What it means to me is who I want to be at my core. All of these things are core values of who I believe I am. This creature is the definition of beauty to me.

Once I started to think about all this, the pain kind of disappeared. I wasn’t even thinking about the pain anymore, just putting this amazing permanent reminder of what type of person I want to be on my body. And how good it made me feel. Then, there was hardly any pain at all, and it was more excitement.

So, acceptance. Accept that it will hurt, and then let it go, and move on. This was a very cool, very simple life lesson I’m trying to practice here. And actually quite relevant to other areas of my life as well…

My Moomba

My (almost) finished Moomba. Still freshly irritated and swollen at this point

6 Month Trend

Bye forever, house. I closed and it’s done. And I was expecting to feel either deep sadness or overwhelming happiness. It’s surprising I’m on neither side of the spectrum. It’s weird my lack of feelings. Seems this is a trend for me right now. Unless I’m significantly impaired by news I receive, I’m handling it as a surface feeling. Just feeling it, and then immediately moving on. No time to actually feel anything.

I remember so much from that house. My ex husband and I bought it 6 months after we were married. Good memories at first. But then there were some bad ones as well. Then, 5 years after that, we were divorced, and I continued to live in that house. About 6 months went by, then I met Caleb, and 6 months after that… he moved in. And another 6 months, I was blindsided and he moved out … then I moved out. I’m noticing a trend. Where will I be in another 6 months?

My house

I wanted to move because there were too many memories there. I made the decision to up and leave after my world was turned upside down. Totally start over somewhere else. Distance myself from the world as much as possible and focus on my needs. I had been thinking about moving for a while, but a particular event was the straw that broke me. The one that made the decision for me. So it’s done. And I have no emotion. What does that even mean? Shock, maybe? Preoccupation with other more important pressing issues? Stress tank is full and my body is putting up a defense so I don’t get attacked with any more trauma. Because I’ve been beaten down so much in the last few months, I feel like I need a strong wall. A titanium wall that’s impenetrable. I’m working on it. I let it down here and there, but I put it back up whenever there’s a sign of trouble. I’m too fragile right now. I can’t take another blow, and just need some time to breathe.

I guess I feel happy and relieved it’s done. But it was seamless and not complicated. No real accomplishment there. I moved into my new place. A studio. I need to figure out something else for fencing there. What I have right now isn’t going to work permanently, but it will function. Everything else is going smoothly. I mean, as smoothly as it can. And I’m waiting on my equity check to clear. That’s a nice way to end this chapter of my life. No risk, no reward.

I’m sad I sold though. I loved that house. And the memories I made there were some very good ones. But there are also some very painful ones. That house carries a lot of charged energy for me. No looking back. Only moving forward and ahead. I’m not going to let things or people bring down my hope for the future.

Which leads me to one of the biggest decisions so far. I requested kennel licensing for a particular property in a nearby town. I presented my case to the council to rezone a lot after much negotiation with the Mayor. They discussed many different options, and when it came down to it, my request was denied. This was a huge setback, and it felt like my soul had been crushed. I did breakdown, but just for a minute, and then I moved on quickly and started thinking of other options. I worked so hard and did so much work for this. My mistake was I got hopeful. Hope is a poison, I’m learning. My contractor/friend/client has been my biggest supporter throughout this process, and helped me shake it off. This was a huge blow. I picked myself up, but I feel bruised. I’m scared to try again.

The feeling of giving up seems to be overshadowing me. I love what I do, but finding a suitable place is starting to seem impossible. “Be patient” they say. “You’ll find the right place, it’ll just take time” and a shit load of money. “Go commercial, it’s easier to get licensing” my friends say. Yes, it is. However, it’s also a lot more expensive, and if I don’t make enough, I lose everything. And that’s not where I want my company to go. I don’t want a facility as the image of my business. I want a ‘Little Dog Farm’ (Marc Goldberg’s training facility is called that in Chicago). I have a vision. I know what I want. I just don’t know how to get there. The brand of my company has been built, and I have a reputation. Changing to a facility changes the way I would market, how my clients would view me, and the type of service I would be offering. That isn’t what I want. Not like that.

Anyway, I think I’m in a healthy place, considering all things. Is turning off the ability to feel healthy? Normally, I embrace my feelings, and take the time to understand them, and then figure out how to manage them. I feel something, I take a minute, and then I move on. Very rarely have I allowed myself to feel something, and even then, I don’t let it last long. That doesn’t seem like me, but it’s how I’m getting through this along with some other stressful, confusing areas of my life. The biggest has been my living situation and how to continue running my business. Both have been solved, and now to find a new place. That’s my ‘next big thing’. That’s where my focus will be for the next 6 months. Then let’s see where I am. No distractions. I need to focus on the big picture again.

Emotion Overload

iloveyouIt’s getting closer to my close date. And more hours on the phone with realtors, , the bank, and lenders, different cities to learn about their city ordinances. Then, in my spare time between that and working dogs and calling clients back, I’m packing and moving my things into storage. I’m looking at the silver lining in everything, and I’m really focusing on the positive things. I have a place to live temporarily until I can figure out my next steps. I’m allowed to have all my dogs, and run my company. That’s a huge relief. I’ll feel better once my current house is closed too.

loveconquersI’m handling all the emotions of leaving the place I called ‘home’ for so long. It doesn’t feel like home anymore. It hasn’t for quite some time. For months, really. It’s like it’s a placeholder until things settle back down again. I don’t know.. maybe it’s a feeling I made up. But I realized that the other day. This isn’t mine anymore, and it’s not a new feeling. But silver linings, right? I’m doing this by myself. It’s incredibly scary and overwhelming, but I’m doing it, and I’m ok.
As for another huge area of my life, Caleb and I are working things out. We have small, short term goals and longer term goals. I feel like we are on the right track, but we have a long road ahead of us. It’s taken me a little time to figure out what I wanted. Because it wasn’t a ‘let’s try it and see’ kind of leaveyouthing. It’s all or nothing. It’s not like we could go back to dating. And I normally don’t write about these things in my blog, but this is huge, and I’m gushing to finally write about it. I never really moved on from before, and secretly kept hoping he would come back. I tried to let go and move on, but it was like my life was on pause, just waiting. It feels a little like I can push play now. There’s struggles of course, and there will be an uphill climb for a while. But love is powerful and can conquer all. My love for this man has been unconditional since the beginning. Will I get hurt again? Of course. But I knew that going into it, and I’m totally prepared. I’ll get mad and hurt and sad sometimes, but how happy I am the majority of the time always trumps that. Especially because I know he loves me just as much as I love him. We are growing together. I’ll hurt him too, that’s what happens in a relationship. It’s never intentional, but we are two different people with different needs. I’m not afraid of getting hurt. I’m afraid of being abandoned. I’ve been open in my communication and in my fears. I’m still scared, but he is so incredibly worth it, so I’ve added him into my plans this year. We talk about running the Ironman together. It’s really pushing and motivating me to be better. To train like I need to, and keeping me on track.

obstaclesI’m so proud of him. He’s really putting in the effort, and I see the improvements and how hard he is trying. Not just trying… doing. There will be obstacles and challenges every day. He’s being honest, and we are discussing everything, I’m being understanding and ‘soft’ (I’m trying really hard too, this isn’t my strongest suit!) when he has to tell me something that will hurt me. Every time I see him I’m reminded of every reason why I fell in love with him. I have a notebook I wrote in, and filled up pages and pages of things I love about him. Loving unconditionally is such a great feeling! Being appreciated and loved in return is worth everything. It’s worth fighting for, and it’s worth pushing through the hard stuff and enduring a little pain so we can enjoy the benefits of the love and companionship that this has to bring. We have agreed neither of us is running. We are sticking it out and really making the commitment to see things through, even through the really hard parts.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this feeling. I’m happy by myself, but I’m so much happier when I’m with Caleb. And I feel that warm, comforting feeling of love again. This feeling right here is worth absolutely everything. You know when I said ‘I want to feel like someone would give me the world if I asked for it’ in a different blog post? That feeling comes to mind with the feelings I’m going through right now. No, I’m not manic, if you are asking. I’m actually very balanced and in a healthy, even state of mind. I’m just very, very happy. This is what I wanted four months ago. I be able to hear him say “Whatever it takes.” And to say he never wants to be without me again. For him to mean it with all his heart. And for the tough times ahead of us, for me to know, without a doubt he’s staying and seeing it through. This is what I always wanted from him. Just that reassurance, and security that I won’t be abandoned.

Ok, I’m done with my sappy post. I don’t normally write this way, but I was literally in the mood to gush a little!

Anyway, live long and prosper or whatever.

Crossing out Lies and writing Truth on a blackboard.

Crossing out Lies and writing Truth on a blackboard.