It’s getting closer to my close date. And more hours on the phone with realtors, , the bank, and lenders, different cities to learn about their city ordinances. Then, in my spare time between that and working dogs and calling clients back, I’m packing and moving my things into storage. I’m looking at the silver lining in everything, and I’m really focusing on the positive things. I have a place to live temporarily until I can figure out my next steps. I’m allowed to have all my dogs, and run my company. That’s a huge relief. I’ll feel better once my current house is closed too.
I’m handling all the emotions of leaving the place I called ‘home’ for so long. It doesn’t feel like home anymore. It hasn’t for quite some time. For months, really. It’s like it’s a placeholder until things settle back down again. I don’t know.. maybe it’s a feeling I made up. But I realized that the other day. This isn’t mine anymore, and it’s not a new feeling. But silver linings, right? I’m doing this by myself. It’s incredibly scary and overwhelming, but I’m doing it, and I’m ok.
As for another huge area of my life, Caleb and I are working things out. We have small, short term goals and longer term goals. I feel like we are on the right track, but we have a long road ahead of us. It’s taken me a little time to figure out what I wanted. Because it wasn’t a ‘let’s try it and see’ kind of thing. It’s all or nothing. It’s not like we could go back to dating. And I normally don’t write about these things in my blog, but this is huge, and I’m gushing to finally write about it. I never really moved on from before, and secretly kept hoping he would come back. I tried to let go and move on, but it was like my life was on pause, just waiting. It feels a little like I can push play now. There’s struggles of course, and there will be an uphill climb for a while. But love is powerful and can conquer all. My love for this man has been unconditional since the beginning. Will I get hurt again? Of course. But I knew that going into it, and I’m totally prepared. I’ll get mad and hurt and sad sometimes, but how happy I am the majority of the time always trumps that. Especially because I know he loves me just as much as I love him. We are growing together. I’ll hurt him too, that’s what happens in a relationship. It’s never intentional, but we are two different people with different needs. I’m not afraid of getting hurt. I’m afraid of being abandoned. I’ve been open in my communication and in my fears. I’m still scared, but he is so incredibly worth it, so I’ve added him into my plans this year. We talk about running the Ironman together. It’s really pushing and motivating me to be better. To train like I need to, and keeping me on track.
I’m so proud of him. He’s really putting in the effort, and I see the improvements and how hard he is trying. Not just trying… doing. There will be obstacles and challenges every day. He’s being honest, and we are discussing everything, I’m being understanding and ‘soft’ (I’m trying really hard too, this isn’t my strongest suit!) when he has to tell me something that will hurt me. Every time I see him I’m reminded of every reason why I fell in love with him. I have a notebook I wrote in, and filled up pages and pages of things I love about him. Loving unconditionally is such a great feeling! Being appreciated and loved in return is worth everything. It’s worth fighting for, and it’s worth pushing through the hard stuff and enduring a little pain so we can enjoy the benefits of the love and companionship that this has to bring. We have agreed neither of us is running. We are sticking it out and really making the commitment to see things through, even through the really hard parts.
It’s been a while since I’ve felt this feeling. I’m happy by myself, but I’m so much happier when I’m with Caleb. And I feel that warm, comforting feeling of love again. This feeling right here is worth absolutely everything. You know when I said ‘I want to feel like someone would give me the world if I asked for it’ in a different blog post? That feeling comes to mind with the feelings I’m going through right now. No, I’m not manic, if you are asking. I’m actually very balanced and in a healthy, even state of mind. I’m just very, very happy. This is what I wanted four months ago. I be able to hear him say “Whatever it takes.” And to say he never wants to be without me again. For him to mean it with all his heart. And for the tough times ahead of us, for me to know, without a doubt he’s staying and seeing it through. This is what I always wanted from him. Just that reassurance, and security that I won’t be abandoned.
Ok, I’m done with my sappy post. I don’t normally write this way, but I was literally in the mood to gush a little!
Anyway, live long and prosper or whatever.