Ready Or Not

Life is funny sometimes. The last few years have been major ups and downs, an emotional roller coaster, and full of very hard life changing events. I kept saying “Something good has to be coming” or “I need something good to happen for a while so I can offset the bad”. I had no idea what I was even asking for. I would have missed it because I wasn’t ready to see. I wouldn’t have recognized it if it was staring me right in the face.

So here we are. I’ve put in my dues, I’ve struggled through some hard times, and I have figured out exactly what I want. And as soon as I realized that, it seems that it’s been waiting for me this whole time. Waiting for me to be ready. Waiting for me to see. I have worked for years with my therapist to be able to see the world this way. What was I missing? I needed to hit ‘rock bottom’, as it were. I needed to follow through. I couldn’t truly move onto the next phase of my life until the previous one was closed.

goodthingsThe last 6 months I have been on a self-discovery journey. I have learned what I wanted in my life, where I want to go, and the type of person I want to be. I have been focusing on how to live my life the way I want to, without letting other people influence me one way or another. I’m totally happy to be me and love myself for who I am. But, I would also be ok to share my successes, failures, feelings, and experiences with someone who truly supports me and helps me become a better person. Someone who will realize I’m going to do my thing and who can welcome all I have to offer. I won’t change who I am for anyone. I’ve done it before, and I was lost. I didn’t do it on purpose, but I gave away pieces of my soul until there was literally nothing left and I didn’t know who I was anymore. Let’s be honest, I didn’t think this person existed. So, it’s not like I gave up, but I was skeptical that this was something that I could find. If that person came along, great. If not, great. I can’t love anyone else truly until I love myself that way.

Seems I stumbled upon that person a few months ago.. At a party in a PUB on New Years, it just so happens. A few drinks, and one ballsy move on my part led me down this new rabbit hole. Something happened to me that night. I had a realization that I was waiting for something in my life. I didn’t realize what it was at the time, and I was confused. I had to let go for a bit to figure out what I needed. I needed to close a previous chapter, I couldn’t truly move on until that was finished. There was no way I would have been able to say with full certainty this is what I wanted and commit if I didn’t take that time. Every day, he exceeds my expectations. Something incredible is starting, and it’s just the beginning. He is in a very similar place in his life, and he really understands everything I’m going through. He never feels like I’m too much or not enough. He sees me for just me. He WANTS me to be just me. I realized I’ve never had this, and now I’m never going back. How was I not ready for this before? I guess I had to go through some shit first. I’m terrified of finding someone who is as intense in everything as me, but I’m also so excited to see where this adventure goes. I’m all about doing things that scare me, and this is a big one. If you don’t, what’s it all for?

My housing situation has been in the gutter since I decided to sell. My temporary place was only supposed to be for a few days to a few weeks. Turns out, it’s was more like a few months. Finding the right place seemed impossible. It seemed like I would find it, but it would be under contract even before we set up a showing, or I wouldn’t like it, but it was perfect for the business, or the business wouldn’t work there, but I loved it. It was always something. Starting to get discouraged, and looking at dozens of houses not finding anything, I started to have thoughts of giving up my dream. It had been one loss after another, but I kept going. Even though I didn’t have the energy, I kept going and looking because I don’t know how to quit. I don’t know how to actually stop trying and throw in the towel until there is literally nothing left to save. My patience and mental fortitude paid off. I’m under contract. It could still fall through, but now it would have to be because of something on the inspection. I’m allowing myself to get excited, but not get ahead of myself until the inspection is complete (which will be next week). Things are falling into place, and I’m ready!

Finding myself has been one of the most important things I have ever done. At the end of the day, at the end of your life, how will you feel about your imprint on history? What do you want from your life? I want to feel like I’ve helped people. That I’ve made a difference and people will remember me for what I’ve done. I want to share this with someone who is as intensely passionate about their own work as me. Finally…”The good is coming”.fear

Here’s To You


Moab Utah

Bowtie Arch, Moab, Utah

Sometimes, it feels like the stars align in just the perfect way where you can’t believe things happened so perfectly. Careful though, this is not to be confused with a fairytale. Those don’t exist, and usually seem great until they come crashing down at some point. As I have said before, I’m choosing the way I want to live my life. I want to see amazing things, I want to put forth the very best I can, and I want to be happy. I want the hard parts too, because challenges and obstacles are what make us into who we are. Where I am now, I don’t need much to be happy. Which also makes me happy knowing that. I’ve worked so hard to develop the tools I have now to feel the way I do. I came from dark emotional alleys and dangerous gullies flooded with toxic thoughts. It’s taken so much time, effort, and a shit ton of sacrifice to pull myself out. But once I did, I’ve realized what is important, and what are distractions.

Every single day is a new opportunity to do better, be stronger, learn more, and grow. I feel I have done so much growing in the last several years, and it’s turned me into the person I am today. However, to grow much, you need to lose much. I have lost, I have hurt, I have been broken, and I have made mistakes that were costly. Yet, I have lived. I have so much more I want to do, and have so many dreams I want to fulfill. Failures are how we grow. I’ll keep making mistakes, and I’ll fail sometimes, and I’ll be ok with it. I’ll recover and move on. It makes me stronger, and I learn from them.

The situation and the experiences I have gone through in the last few years have been all over the map on the emotional scale. I lost myself. I learned to find it quickly, because I didn’t have a choice. I move fast, I don’t look back, and I heal fast. There isn’t another way. Life is too short and too precious to waste time on things that aren’t going to help us grow. The challenging part is figuring out what those things are.

I believe the soul is a muscle. We all have broken spirits in different ways from different things, and unless we truly want to devote the time and energy into strengthening and healing them, we can’t progress or feel true happiness. The journey of self discovery and self awareness started years ago. I didn’t realize it, but every choice I made brought me here. I look back and see what I’ve done, what I’ve been through, and where I’m going, and I am proud. I am humbled by the mistakes I have made, but I don’t regret anything because it has gotten me to where I am today. I love my life, and I love where I’m going. I have learned to pick myself up no matter what happens, and continue on. I am my own keeper, and I control my life.

There are parts that are uncertain or stagnant, but that’s ok. There are parts that are kind of shitty, and that’s ok too. And there are parts that are fucking incredible, which I like to think are the rewards. I have faith, love, and happiness in my life, and I will never stop giving 100% to everything I do. The reward of this is too great to do anything less.

So, here’s to you, Life. Thanks for all you do, and giving me the opportunities I have. To the mistakes I’ve made, to the rewards, to the learning, and to the failing. I don’t plan on stopping any time soon, nor do I plan on slowing down. Give me all you got, I want it all.

And just because I want to put some beautiful pictures I took of Moab in my post. Enjoy 😉

Moab, UT

Slickrock Canyon, Moab, UT

A New Day to Make My Life Better

Round 2… FIGHT! Each day is like another level in a video game. You get to the top of your game, get comfortable, and then you level up and start over. Growth does not happen in the comfort zone. Good thing I’ve been out of my comfort zone for a while now… means I’m growing! Maybe I’m getting ready for a boss fight?

GOLDENSAUCERHow many times does it actually take to get past a really hard level? Many, many times. Many deaths, many losses, many hours, and much swearing… eventually you figure it out. Or you don’t, and you quit and play another game. Well… I don’t do the quitting thing. I finish what I start. I don’t leave missions at 80%, or optional quests unconquered. So, yeah, I die a lot in games because I have to get EVERYTHING. Yes, that means getting the golden chocobo in FFVII and winning all the big matches at the Golden Saucer, killing Ruby weapon, and unlocking all ultimate weapons. That means killing all the little silly frogs in MGS Snake Eater because I can, and unlocking the grunt birthday party in Halo because it’s fucking awesome. In reality… it means I don’t quit on big projects, or stop working out. I set big challenging goals and I meet them. I fail a lot, but the only thing that can actually hold back a person from success is the fear of failing. To not try is the ultimate failure. At least the way I see it. It’s fine to take a break and get perspective, but giving up entirely is unacceptable.

We acquire the strength we overcome. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

gruntbirthdaypartyEvery day, I have another chance to try a different way to meet these big, challenging goals. You can learn from others’ experiences and take advice, but when it comes down to it, you have to really live it, feel it, breathe it, and go through it to understand how to overcome it. Sometimes, making the knowingly wrong choice is the right choice. Which… because I’m on a video game reference today, I have an example. I see the map, I know which way to go.. and I go the exact opposite direction. Just to see what’s down there. Treasure? A hard enemy with a rare drop? A short cut? A cut scene? Nothing? It’s not wasted time and energy if you find something. And how will you know what you’ll find unless you go down that way? So I always do. I follow this same principle in my life sometimes. Yeah, sometimes it takes some back tracking to get back to where you were to progress. But other times, the reward you find is well worth the extra trek. Right now, it feels like I started this “wrong/opposite way” to see what happened, and it’s taking me on a long, super drawn out journey like a dungeon in Torchlight. But the experiences along the way are proving to me every day this isn’t a “wrong way” after all.

A bend in the road isn’t the end of the road…unless you fail to make the turn.

Can’t Stop

I refuse to give up. I think it will literally kill me. I go a long time staying strong, but there comes a point when I just get too tired. I’m burned out. I feel I’m doing everything and hitting wall after wall. I’m still sitting here, trying to keep it together. But at what point do you throw in the towel and say it’s not worth it? When I’m dead.

I don’t know how to give up. I don’t know how to turn off. Life is hard, and this is what makes us men…or whatever. This is what separates the strong from the weak. And I’m continuing to fight until I am dead because I don’t know another way. I’ll keep swinging because I can’t make myself stop. If I give up, I’m beaten. I won’t be defeated. I don’t know how to lose.

It’s just not in me. I have to follow through. I don’t just leave things unfinished. This chapter isn’t finished, and as hard as it is, tomorrow is a new day. Right now, I can feel this awful feeling of not knowing what’s going to happen, and feel like I’m failing. Worry, stress, and defeat. But is it just because of my situation or an event that happened today? I feel it’s the repeating pattern over and over again of loss. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Am I doing that, or should I just hang in there? I’m not making any decisions while I’m sitting her in this mood, that’s for sure.

I’m not giving up. But I’m going to bed. Tomorrow I have another shot. Tomorrow, I start over. Sleep is the world’s reset button. Turning it on and off can sometimes fix the problem, right? Another dog training term is ‘Trust the process’. It doesn’t happen overnight, and there are times when the fight gets worse before the dog reaches acceptance. Is that what this is? I want to believe it is. Goodnight, World.