A World of Broken Trust

cant-blame-me-for-my-trust-issue-quote-1Ok, I’ve learned my lesson time and time again, but apparently I need to keep touching the hot stove to see if it’s still hot. I put my faith and trust in humanity to see if anything has changed. I put myself out there and took a risk. I want to believe there are still good people in the world. People who don’t lie, cheat, manipulate, or trick people into getting what they want. I want to believe there are still people out there who remember what it means TO BE GOOD. I want to see the good in people. That want is slowly diminishing, and I’m finding that concept is starting to totally extinguish in the world.

I put my trust in a friend who had a place for me to stay. Boy, should I have known better… It turned into a little slice of hell. I said goodbye to a stable living situation, a place to safely run my company, financial stability, daily conveniences, and most of all a place to call “home”. I don’t know what that is anymore. This friend tried to help, yeah… but this person knew a lot of important details that were not shared with me for whatever reason. Putting my entire organization at risk. I’m a fucking fool for trusting in the first place without a written contract…paid in cash of course, and I trusted this “friend”.

I moved into this …”temporary living situation” and worked out a verbal agreement with someone who I was told was a good person… I was lied to, manipulated and set up. It’s complicated and confusing on what actually happened… but bottom line was that I was used. Again. By someone I trusted…AGAIN. I don’t have a home, and I’m constantly reminded of why I don’t trust people. I put myself out there and want to see the good, and all I get in return is a knife in the fuckin’ spine.

I may have sold my house prematurely. I can look back and say I should have sold contingent upon me finding a new place, but it doesn’t matter. I did it, I don’t regret it (maybe I do a little bit). I’m trying to move on and move forward. What’s done is done. I maybe jumped the gun because of a series of unfortunate events that had me feeling like I needed to start over. Huh… so this is what ‘starting over’ feels like. Maybe I tried to run away from my problems. Maybe I just wanted the greener grass. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter, I’m here now, and reminded of why I’m here. It’s no one’s fault but my own. I made the choice.

I have been THIS CLOSE multiple times to being in a better situation and finding a new place, and every time something has ripped it from me. I am doing things honestly and openly communicating, and it seems everyone else isn’t. Why? Because ‘it’s not meant to be’ or ‘I’m being challenged/trialed and this is a test’… fuck that noise. I’m trying the best I can, and it’s never good enough. I’m constantly coming up short in one way or another. Back to not being good enough. Awesome.

Which leads me back to trusting other people. I can’t take anything anyone says to be the truth. I have trust issues already, and this shit makes me want to never put my trust in anyone because I get burned every.fucking.time. Every time I think “Ok, I’m going to have faith and trust this is going to work” or that someone isn’t lying to me. Whenever I actively think that, it seems it bites me in the ass. So I’m wary and I protect myself and go in guarded, already waiting for something to happen. That’s healthy (sarcasm).

The last two places I have put an offer on have ended similarly. First one was because the seller’s realtor fucked up. This one was because the seller’s realtor fucked up AGAIN. I’m stuck, there is literally nothing I can do to fix this. So, I’m preparing myself just like I do with everything else and expecting shit to fall apart at some point. Waiting for something bad to happen. If I prepare myself and go in guarded, it doesn’t hurt as bad. I can recover faster and move on. The only person I can trust is myself. I can take care of myself. I’ll put my shit back in the box again and I’ll stop getting my hopes up that something will actually work. I’m backing off, I’ll keep trying, but I’m done with this feely shit. I get excited and it gets torn from me. Yeah, I’ve said it before, I know. You would think I’ve learned my lesson by now. Apparently I learn slow.

fmlKeep your positive thoughts to yourself for now people, it won’t help. Encouraging words just make it worse right now. I’ve been strong for so long.. for SO long for so many people.. I can’t be strong for myself anymore. I’m falling apart. So FML, let me vent, and let me crawl back inside myself and put all my stupid fucking emotions back in the box. You’ll see the smile on my face tomorrow, and I’ll seem fine. I’m not. Enjoy fake Heather for a while, world. She can’t handle reality, so she’s crawling into her fucking shell of safety.

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