Those are all things that have described me as far back as I can remember. Those are all traits hat I used to build a solid foundation of who I am now.
Those are traits I have also become through very tough experiences and I will continue to grow.
Learning to be.
These are things I’m striving to continue learning and to be able to teach others. I am not perfect, nor do I have all the answers. But those are things I have started to realize I want in my life in the last few years. I have sorely been missing some balance and enjoying just the moment…until recently.
A willingness to continue on.
Now, these are things that brought me to where I am.
Emotionally speaking, I crawled on my hands and knees in a bloody, fatigued mess, living off of nuts and berries in the wilderness… alone. However, I wasn’t physically alone. I had support, love, and the motivation of good people urging me to continue. This was a personal journey though, and though I had this support, I needed to do this ‘alone’. The actual event of me closing on my house needed to be done alone. This was a big decision because I was leaving so much behind when I walked out of those doors. Every day since then, I leave a little more behind and continue on with less worry, less stress, and a lot less baggage. I’m lighter and happier every day.
At this very moment, I am sitting on an airplane, on my way to Albany, NY. I start the next step of my spiritual journey in Cambridge, at the Monks of New Skete monastery. They are teaching a seminar called ‘The Art of Living with Your Dog’. I was supposed to attend last summer, but I broke my foot and couldn’t go. So I’m going now, and it’s the perfect time. This is a big workshop, and I have been looking forward to this for a few years. I have butterflies thinking I’ll be sitting in front of the monks tomorrow, learning all they have to offer, in this very magical place. This is a big one, guys. This year is full of amazing things, and I’m drinking it all in. It’s been tough, and now I see how much it’s paid off. Not just the house part… but how much I have grown.
It has been a very, very long time since the last time I felt excited without feeling anxiety. None, despite the last minute emergencies that always seem to happen right when you leave town. No panic, no depression, no fear…and no mania. Just excitement and happiness.
I wake up happy, I’m happy all day, I love what I do, I’m in love with an amazing man who makes me want to be my best, and I go to bed happy. I love my life, who I have become, and I love this feeling of euphoria that I have. I feel like I am living life to the fullest, and I can make anything happen if I want it to. I want to feel like I accomplished something every day. Like I’m a better person than I was yesterday. I feel like I’m doing that. And I’m so happy. “Happy” feels like an understatement. Without sounding like I’m in a manic episode, I’m euphoric. And I can’t believe this is legal to feel this good. But I know I don’t want to feel any other way. I paid my dues, and I’m not feeling the slightest bit guilty about feeling this amazing. I want to say I’m lucky, but I don’t really believe in luck of the draw. I worked for this, I sacrified, I bled, I cried, and I lost. But these benefits… well worth it. I believe hard work pays off, and I deserve to feel this.
I can live in the now, make plans for tomorrow, and reminisce about what I learned yesterday. Today, sitting at the airport for a few hours would normally make me feel miserable. I’m not. I filled my time productively by responding to lots of voicemails, emails, text messages, set up my email accounts, scheduled more clients, and set up everything so when I get back, I am full until July. I’m busy, but not overwhelmed. The work-balance ratio is a constant struggle, but I want to work hard during the work hours, and then enjoy my time off and turn off and relax when I am off the clock.
I have house projects that I’m so looking forward to, I have work projects lined up, I have clients scheduled every day, dogs coming for training, and Rob and I make plans to do all kinds of fun things when we have the time off. Sometimes, that means just playing video games on rainy days. Other days, that means heading up to the mountains and hiking, mountain biking, or camping with our dogs. This is paradise to me. This is what I have wanted for a very long time. This is my idea of balance. This is my idea of ‘just being in the moment’. I’m not worried, I’m not stressing.
What a wonderful life this is. And it will keep getting better. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done. The whole last 2 years, not any one specific thing. And I feel like a warrior.