Repeat What We Don’t Repair

I have had writer’s block lately. Maybe it’s because I haven’t learned any new profound lessons. Maybe it’s because I’ve felt numb lately, because feelings don’t make sense. I’m shutting them out. Maybe it’s because I don’t have anything to write about… Because my life is so uneventful (doubtful). I’m emotionally blocked. I’m disconnected. I have disassociation, and I know it. I’m ungrounded.

No time or energy left for anything fun. Just work. Work keeps me busy and off the streets. It’s a distraction so I don’t have to think or feel. Keeps the emotional roller coaster at bay. Because if I were to acknowledge feelings, it would all be too much. I guess. I don’t know for sure. I’m just disconnected right now. I can’t feel.

Be a rock. Be strong. Don’t let emotions overcome you. I don’t. I won’t. And then there’s a crack in my solid foundation. Being a rock isn’t enough. So, I cave and I feel it. Just for a minute, I feel it. Then, just as quickly the moment came, it’s gone. I’m only allowed a moment to feel, then wall up again. It’s safer this way. Be a rock.

I’m re-reading the “Healing from Trauma” book by Jasmin Lee Cori. Remember my original post on it? I’ve read it several times, and each time, I have a different take away. We have all experienced trauma, we all have stuff, and we are not alone. Our “stuff” is not that different from anyone else’s. Other people have felt what I feel. Other people’s brains have done the same thing. I am a uniquely special person (that may be a stretch), but my traumas are not “special”. It doesn’t affect my brain differently than anyone else’s. I don’t know why this is just dawning on me. I’ve read this book multiple times, and I’ve written about it lots. I’ve talked to people, I’ve gone to therapy, I’ve waded through the shit, fell through the pitfalls, and endured the storms. How have I not made that connection? I’m not special in this way, and that’s a good thing. And I’ve worked hard to get back what was stolen from me.

But at what cost?

Another blog I wrote a few years ago that’s relevant to this new post is this one. I guess I like to revisit my old writings from time to time. See what I’ve learned before, and notice the patterns. The patterns of it happening again. I’m going through the same feelings, it’s familiar. I’m thinking the same thoughts, and I know I’ve done this before. I feel like life is on repeat until I figure it out. I feel like the pain will continue until I figure out this damn lesson the universe wants me to learn so badly. I just want to get through the shit and see the rainbow.

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