Category Archives: Personal Stories

This is mostly about my journey to better my life. These stories are about depression, internal struggles, and stories about myself. I’m hoping for people in some of the same situations, this might help them.

Goodbye, Marshall

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marshallhatLife is a precious gift. It can be taken away so quickly. I hold my family a little closer today, as our sweet Marshall unexpectedly passed away last night. We are devastated, and it still doesn’t feel real. I keep expecting to hear his little feet on the floor pitter pattering as quick as he can to come to me if I called him. He wasn’t sick, he wasn’t old. He was taken far too early. He was one of my best dogs, and the best ‘little’ I have ever had. I never thought I would have a little dog, as I’m into the ‘tough’ breeds. But then Marshall came to me for training and I fell in love with him. I told the family if they ever didn’t want him or couldn’t keep him, that I wanted him. I never expected to hear that a year later, they were moving and couldn’t take him. So without hesitation, I took him and he was immediately a part of my pack. I didn’t foster him, or even try to adopt him out. He just belonged with me. He was an amazing dog, and brought so much happiness to every person he met. I never expected this would happen so soon.

homedepotmarshallWe buried him under a tree in our front yard. He will stay here forever, and bring nutrients to the trees, the soil, and the earth. His body has returned to the planet, and his soul is now on a journey to wherever else it needs to be. He’ll always be with me, and I’ll have all the beautiful memories of him to remember him. I want to remember my bright, happy Marshall. I want to remember all the silly, cute things he did. The house feels very dreary today. Our hearts are breaking, and our souls cry. I wish this didn’t happen.

marshall

I remember the way he would sit or lay on top of the big dogs to stay warm.

I remember how fast he would run back to me when I called him. His recall was always awesome.

I remember how when the other dogs were eating, Marshall would clean up the pieces they missed. No one minds, and he never tries to steal food from out of their bowl.

I remember how he would try to sneakily crawl up underneath the blanket to snuggle on the couch.

Chasing Jane around the loveseat in the living room.

Always walking nicely on or off a leash, never had a problem listening.

When you corrected him for something, he would stare at you with one paw held up.

marshallhorsesWhen he curled up in the big dog beds by himself and his tail was resting on his nose, like he was hiding.

When we all went camping, and he found the sunniest little spot to rest while we were all cooking breakfast.

How everyone who met him instantly loved him.

When I would let him sleep with me in my bed, and he could curl up right behind my knees.

jinxmarshallHow he loved to sit right in between the big dogs’ paws, like he belonged to them.

How he was the perfect size to sit with you and make you feel better.

He wasn’t really ever scared of anything.

He had no issue putting any size dog in their place if they were being pushy or rude.

How he loved to drag around the biggest bone he could find.

That time we went to the Farmer’s Market and Rob put him in his camelback because he was tired.

marshallgrassHow everyone thought he was a puppy.

How he loved people so much, he would just start walking with them.

How he just looked extra cute no matter what he was doing.

His eyes were too big for his face.

The time I took him trail riding, and he kept up with the horses like it was no big deal.

How he was amazing with kids and all other dogs.

He was awesome with all animals. He never tried to hurt chickens, cats, kittens, or even little rats.

He was the ‘Marshall’ of the dog yard. He was named after Eminem, but to me, he was literally a Marshall. An authority figure.

He really was the best dog.

squishesmarshallI’m really going to miss him, the house won’t be the same without him. I only had him several years, but in that time, he left his pawprint there. For such a small dog, he had the biggest presence in the best way. His spunky, happy personality is what I want to remember.

We will build you a little memorial in front of your tree, and plant flowers there in the Spring. You have no idea how many dogs you helped, and how many people were touched by you. You have made a huge impact on the world, and I will never forget you. You can never be replaced. I’ll do my best to keep my chin up and put on the smile, because I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad. In fact, I feel like you would be curled up with me right now, trying to cheer me up.

I love you, Marshall. So much. Be at peace now.

marshalltail

polymarshall

A True Leader

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What makes a true leader? Is it money? Or power? Or the ability to cause others to fear you? Ignorance, maybe? I’m not just talking about the newly elected President. I’m talking about all leadership figures. CEOs, parents, dog parents, teachers… etc. What really makes someone powerful? What makes you want to follow someone? I’ll tell you what it is for me. I’ll tell you how someone can gain my respect and make me want to follow them to the ends of the Earth.

If I was a leader, I would provide patience. This is a scary word because you give up all control when you have patience, and put your faith in their hands. You watch and let them make mistakes. Then, you gently guide them back into making a better choice next time. Chewing on the furniture or drawing on the walls? “Hey! That’s not ok! But you can chew on this toy, or write on this paper.” Then, the frustration is gone, and you go about your day. A gentle, small correction, and then redirection onto something appropriate is enough.

What happens when frustration gets the better of you? And you overcorrect? Yell at them, take something away, add way too many rules (keep them on a short leash, in dog terms), or maybe even turn to a physical correction that is too rough? It always damages the relationship. Every time. Whether that’s your dog, your child, America’s citizens, or your significant other. What is recovery like? Distrust, hurt, anger, and walls go up. You have lost respect. Which, in turn, will also turn into distrust. When the respect and the trust are gone, there is no meaningful relationship anymore. The negativity will overcome all the positivity in the relationship, and it will be harder and harder to recover, if at all.

Patience. If you stop trying to control everything, and you let it go with gentle corrections, the relationship will recover over time, and the trust will return. This has to be an active choice, and you can’t half ass this. Take emotion out of it, and truly try to meet the others’ needs during this fragile time. Acceptance, trust, and respect are earned. This doesn’t happen overnight. Let things heal before you start pushing. Wait it out, wait for them to make a decision. Kids, dogs, significant others, and America. Stop trying to force their decisions. When forced, especially with aggression, more and more damage will occur to the point where it is non-recoverable. Anger, hate, irritability, and rioting will become a daily occurrence. As emotions subside, recovery can begin.

spreadloveI’m disappointed in this election’s results. However, this was what America wanted. We are in a democratic government, and the public has decided they feel this is the best choice for our country. I don’t need to spread negativity to make it clear how I feel, and my one vote (if I had even voted) didn’t matter, as I thought. But, we, as a people, had a voice. I had faith in the public. When we have anxiety, it’s because we don’t have control. I’m trying to relinquish my control, so I put my faith in the American people to make a choice. I had patience, and I didn’t watch the numbers last night, I went to sleep with thoughts of my hunny and our dogs. I thanked the spirits for how fortunate I was to have a safe place to live, be surrounded by animals, and that we have a beautiful plan for our future. I didn’t think of politics, or anything else. I went to sleep peacefully, even though I didn’t sleep well. I had a very bad, very disturbing dream that left me with a pit in my stomach. So I meditated and pushed out whatever negative energy had made it’s way inside me. I want to feel light and happy, and that dream was not helping me. It was emotionally jarring, and I didn’t need to hang on to it. So I let it go and went about my morning.

The people spoke and decided what they wanted. It is over, it’s been decided, and now recovery can begin, if America will let it be and start spreading love to each other. Let’s be positive and patient in this time so we can help our country heal. We all have to work together.

Hate, negativity, fear, control, and pride are all things that will not help us heal. Let’s show America’s beauty and honor the sacrifices so many have made for us to be able to live the way we do. Our soldiers died for the right for us to vote. They died for us to have the freedom of speech. Our soldiers aren’t the only ones who sacrifice. There are acts of bravery on a daily basis that we don’t see. So, don’t ignore them. Don’t take those for granted. These warriors gave up so much so we can have the freedom to feel those emotions without fear of expressing them. So regardless of who you voted for, or your standpoint on politics, religion or any other personal value, spread love and understanding. Seek to learn, instead of to hurt. Go out of your way to be positive and cast aside negative thoughts. Lift each other up! So instead of sharing our negative thoughts, let’s bond together and make this the country it was meant to be. We can all make a difference, we are all important. It doesn’t matter who is President, let’s find the beauty in this new leadership. Let’s be hopeful and positive, and help make each other’s lives beautiful. Share positivity wherever you go, and shine your light bright. You matter. We ALL matter.

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The Human Condition

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mindpowerThe human condition; It’s great and awful at the same time. It makes us feel all  the juicy emotions like happiness, love, euphoria, contentment, success… but we also feel all those hurtful ones like insecurity, anxiety, depression, and hopelessness. Feelings tend to complicate life, and leak into decisions we have to make. Sometimes, it brainwashes us into thinking a certain way. Psychology is a powerful thing. I’ve always been intrigued by how our brain takes over and causes us to make decisions emotionally.

My brain doesn’t turn off, and sends me negative thoughts pretty much constantly. We have to be stronger than the doubt, the self destruct, and the ridiculous things our brain sometimes does when we feel threatened. Threatened? Why? Usually from some deep childhood wound that you probably don’t even know anything about. But it comes up at the most inopportune moments and tries to remind you that it’s in charge.

Well, this has happened to me a few times lately. Where my brain tries to sink it’s teeth into my conscious and make me feel a certain way. It didn’t use to happen nearly as often, but I’ve been peeling back some layers and flirting with my Inner Child wounds. Not enough to actually figure out where they come from, but enough to hurt. And to come up enough times for me to notice. I see the pattern now. But I’m not approaching it emotionally. At least, I’m trying not to. Instead of getting all emotional and ‘Oh, poor me, I’m damaged.’ I’m like ‘Pssh, yeah, we all are.’ I recognize this is a result of some wound I need to heal from. Not sure what, but it’s there.

self-esteemChildhood wounding can happen, even if you have the most perfect childhood. Have you seen ”Inside Out”, the Disney movie? That’s a good representation of how all emotions do have a purpose, but also how sometimes emotions don’t make sense, and even though those memories were all happy to begin with, somewhere down the road, other emotions invaded, and how they are happy and sad at the same time. I feel it’s a development thing based on maturity, age, experience, and how much we’ve had to go through in a short amount of time.

I feel I live a rich life. Not monetary, but emotionally. If I died today, I could look back and say I loved, I lived, I failed and I was successful. I have had a wonderful life because I make it so. I understand the feeling of being “stuck”, going through crossroads, and just floating through until something changes. What I realized is I had to make the change for myself.

Anyway, back on topic. Stories have me feeling ‘threatened’ lately. It’s because, I’m in the middle of a transition again. I have feelings of being too much or not enough…or both at the same time. It’s complicated, my brain won’t stop, and I can’t snap out of it. It’s a self confidence thing, but I’m very confident…but sensitive and self-conscious at the same time. How can this be? Because of that damn thing called the ‘Human Condition’ again.

So, I allow my brain the moment of judging, the threat, the processing time, and then I snap back. It never has anything good to contribute, never anything mind blowing or that ‘a ha!’ moment where I figure out the universe. So, I allow it the moment, then snap back. The brain helps us, but it is also the powerhouse for all the confusing, complicated emotions that make up the human condition. It causes the fears, doubts, disappointments, and insecurities to make us feel too much or not good enough. We have to help train and guide it to make better choices and help our souls stay positive.

When we allow it to get to us, that’s when we invite negative energy in. We block out the comfort of love and compassion, he stop hearing the compliments and pick out what our brains want to hear to validate our weaknesses. We cannot give love if we can’t receive it from ourselves. Self love is the most important part of life, in my opinion. We have to be careful about protecting ourselves from even the negative energy our brain sends us.

The lack of trust, negative thoughts, and threats are all in our head. Tell your brain to settle and calm down. There are many different ways to do this, but distracting with positive energy seems to help. Don’t let your brain just sit ignored, but focus on something else: like your breath. Like a repetitive beat. I get it. I’m learning this now from my energy healer, but there was something that clicked today. You focus on something else until you feel at ultimate peace. Not a distraction where your brain is working on something else, but actually just focusing on one thing until you can achieve a grounding effect. Video games, books, etc – these do not provide that same effect. Those kinds of distractions are not what I’m talking about.

As a result of this training, you can allow your brain to have the moment, and then you can gently bring it back without jarring it into more negative emotions. (Example: “Dammit, I did it again, I’m so stupid!”) We all do it, we all should get out of our heads, and spend more time in the ‘real world’. Fill your world with positive thoughts, happy activities, and enjoy every moment you have with the important people in your life (and that includes yourself!). I say all this, so avoid being a hypocrite, I should practice it! I’m off!

Programming

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As my energy healer calls it, I’ve been running the same “program” for many years, resulting in the same story presenting itself over and over again in different areas of my life. We changed a program. I feel myself wanting to go back to that program sometimes.

The one I’m taking about is the ability to solve problems or find solutions. Sometimes, I’ve made up my own problems so that I could make up a solution for it. I’ve done this for years, and I was always told it was a symptom of anxiety. To keep the mind busy means happiness. When left alone, you feel unprepared when something does happen. Well, I’m no longer running this program. Which means less stress overall, and I don’t have to make up problems. Which also means I don’t have to constantly think about solutions all the time. Big projects and dreams don’t overwhelm me anymore, and I’m no longer looking at the end result. I’m looking at the now, and enjoying the journey.

goodlifeGoal-driven projects and dreams set us up to fail, increase stress, and always make us seem like we don’t have enough. So, I’ve stopped running this program. I take life as I go, and enjoy the every day moments a little more. I stop reading into every word said (or not said), and the little things that would normally drive me into a frenzy because I couldn’t figure out what the underlying meaning was.

“It’s not a big deal” used to irritate me when people said that to me. TO ME, everything was a big deal. I was all or nothing, and every day, I reminded myself of the big dreams, big goals, and BIG life I live. I guess it was an overwhelming weight on my shoulders. I take it as it comes now. It’s a way lighter feeling to not have to worry about how much I’m moving towards my goals. I’m exactly where I need to be. I have dreams, sure. And I’m motivated, but I’m done letting it affect my state of mind all the time and bring me down.

I work hard to be positive and to enjoy the moment. I don’t miss the little things that make life LIFE anymore. I go through phases where I see everything that’s beautiful and appreciate even the things a lot of people can’t see the beauty in. I go out of my way to see the good in people. Then, other phases, where I want to complain, bitch, and pick out all the negative things…especially in myself. When my self esteem is low, I look for things that are wrong with me. Why I can’t be happy, or make anyone else happy. My job is not to make anyone else happy. It’s to be happy.

So, I’ve been enjoying every single little thing I can think of, and filling up my thoughts with positive, happy vibes. No matter what’s going on around me, I’m in control of my state of mind, and how I see the world. So, I choose to see the beauty…again. I lose touch every once in a while, and I think that’s part of the learning curve.

I’ll get it. I want to be a positive, shining example for people who struggle with positivity. I want to share these happy feelings with the dogs I work with, my clients, and every person I come in contact with.

My success is based off of what I value about myself. Not what others gauge to be important to them. What does success mean to you? Personal value? Money? Family? Land? Material possessions? To me, it means emotional prosperity. I want to fill fulfilled as a person, and feel like I have achieved happiness. There are many ways to get there. What do I need to feel that way? A positive state of mind where I can appreciate all the good around me. What does it mean to you?

beautySo, world peace, love, and harmony to every one who reads this. We are all beautiful people. Don’t let anyone tell you different. You don’t need someone to tell you that you’re beautiful. Remind yourself instead. You are in charge of your own happiness. It’s hard sometimes, but you’re purpose is your own. You can lift yourself up, you can also bring yourself down. You are in charge of you. Make this so. In the end, the only person you have is you.

Nostalgia

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runningawayWhen did everything change? When did we become adults? The world is no longer adventures and imagination. Somehow, it has become twisted with responsibility, lack of sleep, and no fun. Happiness means nothing went wrong that day. We dream big and it never seems like the end. Stress is always looming over you like rain clouds.

At some point, we became adults. We had to buck up and take care of ourselves. We aren’t allowed to ‘have fun’ anymore, because that means work doesn’t get done. If I spend time for myself, my house is a disaster. If I spend time working on my house, my work doesn’t get done. If I actually get enough sleep, I can’t seem to work out in the mornings. It’s an ongoing cycle of what do I have to give up today?

We planned a trip to visit family. Work won’t just wait for me to get back. Work doesn’t stop because it’s the weekend. I still have live beings I need to take care of. They can’t just hang out until I decide it’s time to work again. I work every single day. I’m a dog trainer. Dog trainers don’t get days off. Well, I’m trying to figure out a way again how I can get a day off. I’m changing everything. I love owning my own business and I love what I do, but sometimes I wish I didn’t. Sometimes, it’s too much. Sometimes, I just need a fuckin day off!

I want to feel like I’m balanced. I want to feel like I have my shit together. I don’t. I’m not feeling stressed or overwhelmed. I’m not feeling that because I’m not at 100% capacity yet. I function at 80% stress every day. When I have less, I try to find problems because I don’t know to have a stress-less day. When I’m at more, I feel productive. When I finally get to 100%, I feel like it will never be over. Why do I have to function at 80% or higher all the time?

maps05We’re building a dream. A beautiful dream that is everything I’ve ever wanted. Just as it always happens, when things start to settle down, something is thrown at me. What lesson am I not learning? Why can’t I just experience peace for a short amount of time before something else blows up? My future dream is affected in this hurricane I just entered into. I was looking down the road, but it seems I’m walking that road now, and I have to make decisions that may affect the next 10 years of my life. I’m scared.

When did this happen that I took on so much? I’m only one person. I make a difference, but I can’t change the way the world works. I feel like this is big, and much bigger than I was prepared for. I got a taste of it, and now it’s being shoved down my throat.

I want to go back to when things weren’t this way. When decisions were about which game to play when you got home, and what shoes to wear. But instead I’m faced with decisions like should I clean the house, or should I file clients and make training videos? I just need some time where I’m not thinking about work. It seems impossible.

Stress and Anxiety

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I attended a class based on neuropsychology and anxiety recently. I got a lot out of it, and I’m realizing I’m so stressed all the time that I don’t know how to relax. And I’ve realized this has been going on for a long time. I’m used to working 12 hours a day, every day. I’m used to not having days off or vacations. I’m used to having 20 minutes or so of ‘free time’ and spending it working on my website, updating social media, or bathing dogs. I literally don’t know how to ‘settle’ anymore. I talk about achieving balance, and that IS what I want. I don’t want to feel stressed anymore.

stress1I didn’t realize all these symptoms were from lack of sleep, mental rest and lack of down time. I seem to always be tired. I’m working on eating healthier, working out more consistently, balancing house chores with work chores, and setting more strict “work hours” for when I do my pick ups, drop offs, and answer client phone calls and messages. But when I’m not working, I’m thinking about work. When there’s just ‘one more thing’ or projects that are incomplete, I can’t stop thinking I’m wasting my time just sitting and not doing anything. I forget things over and over again. And most of all, it feels like my emotions are non existent. Like, I I just don’t feel anything. It’s strange because I’ve always had an over abundance of my emotions and they are normally all over the place. Now, this lack of emotion is disturbing to me.

It feels like once I “get off work”, and try to turn off, we make dinner, and then we watch 20min or so of a show, and then go to bed. There really isn’t time for much else after dishes have been done (and sometimes, we don’t even do that!). On weekends, we catch up on gardening, house projects, cleaning, shopping, and sometimes we’ll have time to go out and do something. But it’s hard to enjoy even getting out because we try to pack so much in. Even when I go to sleep, my mind is still racing. Then, I wake up and immediately my mind is racing. It’s on overdrive all the time. It doesn’t slow down, it doesn’t stop, and when I meditate, I can stay focused for about 3 minutes, and then I lose it. For just 10 minutes, I want to focus on my breathing and thank my body for all it does for me. But I can’t stay focused that long. Apparently, that’s a symptom of stress too.

There are not enough hours in the day to do everything. I’m stretched thin. I’m functioning, and I’m not unhappy, I just don’t have anything else to give at the end of the day. Even in the middle of the day, I have to psyche myself up to do anything that’s not on my normal routine. It shouldn’t be that way. Even if I just need to google something, or return a personal phone call, or clean up a mess. I have to mentally prepare myself to get off track and hopefully I can get back on the track again. I’m just going through the motions, but not really living. That’s stress too, I found out.

Everything in my life is great, and I’m moving forward towards bigger and better things every day. I found a great love, who makes me want to do better, dream bigger, and then make it all come true. We want that for each other, and we want to help each other achieve those dreams. But we are both stressed to the max with all the recent changes in our lives that the big dreams are just overwhelming. Recently though, we’ve both been too tired to do that. Going out always seems like work. I want to go have dates, and enjoy a getaway weekend sometimes, plan vacations where it’s not the most stressful thing in the world to leave, work on chores without feeling like I’m sacrificing down time or having to pick and choose between work and house projects.

stressI want to hear what people say, and stop assigning negative thoughts to compliments. I always hear negativity, and part of what we are trying to work on is removing negative influence in our lives. We want a wealth of positive vibes, happiness, and love. But when we are stressed, negativity makes a nest inside us and comes out in forms of self destruction. For me, it’s negative thoughts that are tied in to compliments, and not feeling like I’m enough. I want to eliminate the stress so I don’t have to feel like this. Because I know that’s not true.

I’m taking a different approach to finding balance and I have started learning about energy healing from within, psychotherapy and reiki. We’ve started on a new spiritual journey together where we are attending these classes and learning how to better balance ourselves and work through our underlying internal issues. I’m scared, but also feel like once I know, I can begin a new path to healing. I want to be able to feel connected to my spirit once again. I want to stop missing the beauty.

 

 

Burned Out

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I have been going, going, going for far too long. I’m tired, and I rarely enjoy any of the things I can really enjoy when I’m not so tired. I’m just so tired all the time. Things that are fun should be relaxing and help me recharge. But when I’m doing hobbies or trying to unwind, my mind is racing with all the things that I haven’t done.

I am trying to focus on the things I HAVE done instead of everything I HAVEN’T done, which is lot on both ends of the spectrum. I graduated high school with a 3.95 a YEAR early. I graduated college with my Bachelor’s Degree in Computer Science when I was 20. I bought my first house when I was 21. I opened up my own business when I was 24. I was successful and quit my full time job when I was 25. I am a successful business owner and bought my second house when I was 28. I have been homeless (in a sense). I have felt love and heartbreak. I have felt loss. I have felt failure and success. I have seen death and also new life. I have built the life I have now on a dream that I made come true. I am proud. I sacrificed to make the dream come true. I missed out on so much because I was building this. There was light at the end of the tunnel. It’s there, I’m in the light now. My business is self-sustaining and now I have too much business for just one person. I have for quite a while. It’s taken over.

overwhelmedI see it like mint. My boyfriend taught me how to plant vegetables and herbs. I learned how to keep it alive and how to nurture it and meet its’ needs so it can thrive. I learned what a struggle looks like, and I learned to love our plants. Now, back to mint. It’s a hearty plant that takes over. At first, I was worried about it growing at all. I thought I would kill it. So I took care of it, watched over it, loved it. Now, it’s taking over our planter box. I can’t keep up with it. It’s going to take over everything else in the box because it’s just growing all over everything. My business has taken over every area of my life, and now I need to prune it. Trim it back, and let the other areas have a chance to thrive too.

I know exactly what I need. I know what jobs I need help with. But it’s taking the time to train someone else and get them up to speed that takes away even more time that I don’t have. Training directly under me…someone should be paying me to teach them what I had to pay for. I need a student. “Dog Trainer Seeks Apprentice”. Too many have phased out. This life isn’t for them. They can’t handle the stress, or the intensity. It’s too hard, it’s too stressful, and it takes over. Too many people think they want this life, but they don’t. It’s not easy. It’s not playing with puppies all day. It’s mentally challenging, physically exhausting, and emotionally draining. You get attached, then it gets ripped away. You get frustrated when your clients can’t do what you can do. It’s not a realistic expectation for them to do what you do. You have to constantly remind yourself people aren’t being stupid… they just don’t know.

On a personal level, I sometimes don’t feel good enough for the other areas of my life. I feel like I fall short. Like, other people could do a better job than I could. Like I hold them back from better things. I’ve spent too much time building this business-life that I’m retarded in other areas to the point where I will always fail. I don’t voice it because I’m ashamed. Ashamed of not being better. Of not being able to perform as excellently in all areas of my life as I do in my business. I’m a phenomenal dog trainer. I’m an excellent teacher and coach of people who need help with balancing their dog. But balancing my life it seems I constantly fail. I feel like I’m spinning out of the control and I can’t catch the string of my life that is floating away. I’m watching it, but I can’t catch it. It’s going too fast. My lungs can’t get enough oxygen, my muscles are sore, and the space between my fingertips and the string is getting bigger and bigger.

I tried to balance. Work hard, play hard. I scheduled time off MONTHS in advance so I could enjoy a weekend here and there without dogs. One weekend a month. 12 weekends a year, I wanted to enjoy a couple days off. Even if that just means staying home, but only having our dogs. Day hikes, trips to visit my family (It had been 4 years since I had visited my dad at home until June of this year). I’m feeling pretty upset since this probably means I will need to work and miss my boyfriend’s friend’s wedding in Georgia, miss his birthday weekend, miss rock hunting, breathwork energy classes, parties, holidays, family get togethers, hanging out with friends because I’m too tired, camping.. etc.

I need about 4 more people besides myself to run the business where it’s more self-sufficient than it already is. I dream so big that in order for me to do everything, I need 4 people here, and then I need me. I have such big plans and wants in my life that it’s overwhelming for me to think of more than just today. And then when I do, I don’t want to do anything because it’s too much.

I don’t feel good enough. But for me to be better, I need more energy. I feel like I’m failing. I feel like my needs are being met and I’m being selfish. I do my best, but I feel like it’s not enough. I’m not enough, but I’m too much at the same time.

Unexplained Peace

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journeyAll is right. In this perfect present moment, everything is exactly how it should be. I’m totally one in this present moment and everything is right. How can that be when the world isn’t perfect? Nor did I have the perfect day. Far from it. How can I be so ‘present’ when emotionally I was so all over the place today? I was pissed, angry, tired, depressed, frustrated, disappointed, and panicked. Lots went wrong today. But here I am, in this present moment, and everything is right in the world.

Maybe because I’m choosing to see the world in that way. I’m choosing to see the beautiful. I’m choosing to feel the zen. I’m not manic, I’m not overly positive. I’m just here. Just being. I see the beauty in myself, in the world, in the work of others, and the beauty of mistakes. But I also see the disappointment, misunderstandings, greed, and failures. It makes us who we are. Neither are bringing out any emotions in me right now. I’m just an observer.

Things went wrong today. It was actually kind of a shitty day. An hour ago I had plenty to write about. Now, I feel like my mind is blank…in a good way, so I’m just trying to explain this feeling.

I felt so overwhelmed, pissed, sad, panicked, angry, disappointed, blindsided, and then now… nothing. Not numb, at least not in a bad way. I’m not depressed, or manic. This doesn’t happen often. I’m usually on one side of the spectrum, especially lately. It’s kind I’m just here in this physical body. My soul is here, at peace, in my physical body using it to harbor a calm soul. It’s a feeling I haven’t felt in months, and I guess it just took me by surprise.

flowersThis is the mood where I just go outside and stare up into the sky and observe. I watch everything. It’s like I find a deep meaning in everything, and in nothing. Material things don’t matter. Physical bodies are just there to support the spirit. Emotions are not present. Physical looks, products, money, materials and possessions cease to matter in this state of mind. All that matters is the soul. Politics and corporate drama are non important. Conflict between friends seems to fade away. All that’s left is the spirit, the soul, and a higher purposes. It has been a very, very long time since I’ve felt this feeling of what I call ‘ultimate peace’.

I was feeling vulnerable and very strong emotions of being scared of death earlier in the day. I felt like I was dying. I was literally thinking I was going to die. This time, I panicked in the water, and I felt like the ability to breathe was also taken away from me. In this present moment, fear is gone. I thought of loss of life, and all my loved ones living on without me. For some reason, right now the fear of death is gone. If I were to shed my physical body in this moment, I feel like my soul would be free, and I would be at peace with it. This is not a depressed feeling, or suicidal thoughts flooding my conscious. This is not me wishing for death. There is nothing negative about what I’m feeling. It’s like everything is quiet with me. My conscious and subconscious are on the same plane of existence and I’m feeling one in myself.

It’s like this feeling has also shed emotions because they don’t exist in this state of mind. Maybe I’m dreaming while I’m awake? Because the only time I can remember I have felt this is when I have woken up from a very good dream (also rare when that happens).

No idea what triggered this feeling, and also it doesn’t matter. I don’t care to figure it out because it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter where this feeling came from because it doesn’t exist in this state of mind. Whatever it is, I feel like I want to preserve it. The ultimate peace is learning to be. Have I somehow figured out how to do that? I’ve been trying for years. Yet, in this moment, it hit me. Just now. Very strange, but I’m ok with it. I would love to feel this at peace all the time.

Uphill Battle

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Depression is debilitating. Literally, you can’t work through it. Motivation goes out the window, your body hurts, you can’t focus, you feel like crap, and you just want to sleep. It does go away, it does get better. But in those moments, you feel like you will never be happy again.

You try to do things that make you happy, but all it does is just makes things worse because you are forcing yourself to do something. I find it’s easier to do something you don’t want to do, because you’re not going to like it regardless of your state of mind.

Everything is negative. Everything is stupid. And you don’t want to do anything anyway. Just sleep. Well, guess what? You wake up and you still feel the same. Doesn’t help anything. Everything in life is dull and you fail to see beauty and happiness in the things that used to make you happy.

Getting past the hump of when depression is the worst is the most challenging task I think I have ever done. You just have to keep truckin’ and not let the darkness take over. I have mentioned before what it’s like when the demons take over your conscious as well as your unconscious. It’s terrifying, and I won’t let it happen again. So, I’m fighting this uphill battle with trying to stay on top of my emotions.

jainismI attended a chakra and archetype class a few months ago where I started to learn more about the religion of “Jainism”. I started researching, as it sounded very similar to what I believe in, and it’s very in line with my deep morals and beliefs. I feel I have become less spiritual lately, and want to focus again on bettering myself and rising above all this negativity in the world. If you are interested in learning more about Jainism, it’s basically the principle and practice of nonviolence. They don’t believe in a single God, but they do believe in many Gods who have achieved enlightenment. I don’t have the mental capacity yet to say I want to achieve enlightenment. I mean, that sounds great, but I can’t grasp that concept in my real life. What I do really appreciate about this particular religion is the atmosphere and feeling that we should fill the world with love and peace and not even let our thoughts be negative towards another person or thing. To just love. Not that I’ve entirely forgotten about that, but I notice I’m not actively practicing it, and I am allowing the energy of outside influences affect my inner peace.

Some of the things that almost always interrupt my peace is what’s happening in the world. A big one right now is the political debate. Voting time is upon us, and the news, the internet, social medias, and everyone’s thoughts are a revolving door of new, negative, and heated things about each candidate. Personally, I feel politics are out of the scope of what I’m here for. I stay out of it, not because I plead ignorance, but because I feel there are bigger problems of the overall mindset of the country. Placing law after law, and solving the symptoms of a bigger problem will not resolve anything. Take for example a dog who pulls on the leash. Putting on a harness, a prong collar, or any other training tool will not solve the issue. What is the issue then if it’s not pulling? THAT is the right question, now isn’t it? It’s the mindset of the dog who thinks it’s ok to pull on the leash. Stop the mindset and it doesn’t matter what tool (if any) you have on the dog. It’s not about the tool, it’s about teaching the dog pulling isn’t an option anymore. All behavioral issues have solutions if you change the neurological pathways on how they reach a decision. Which means teaching the dog to think. Teach people to THINK instead of REACT to everything and you have a solution. Fix the bigger problem, not the symptoms.

jainism2Anyway, struggling with motivation to work today, and I just need to buck up and get ‘er done. I don’t have a lot of on my plate work-wise right now, which is nice, because it seems I can’t handle much more than what I have now. We are working on the dog house this weekend, and the project seems very daunting. I’m sure it won’ be that bad, but this is work I haven’t done before, and with very little mental energy, I’m hoping more than anything I won’t just get in the way. I’m going to have to be taught, which means it will take longer to get things done. And constant teaching and supervising is exhausting, so I kind of feel like I have to be a fast learner. And in my current state of mind, I’m hoping I can pull it together.

Practicing lots of calming breathing exercises today, and listening to my meditation mixes. Just doing the bare minimum so that everything that needs to get done, is done, and then taking time to uplift my spirit today. For every one task, it seems it’s taking me so very long to prepare. I have used schedules in the past for myself to keep myself on track so I don’t become unproductive. That helps if I actually care. It’s when I don’t care that it’s a task to even follow a pre determined schedule. So send me positive, happy vibes and maybe I’ll have enough in reserve to come up with some positive, happy thoughts for myself today. I am trying my best.

Realigning with Mind, Body, Soul

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I’ve forgotten about balancing all areas of my life. And in each big area, there are smaller areas that also need to be balanced.

My mind is constantly enriched by what I do. I have to think, I have to focus, and I have to teach. I’m honestly on intellectual overload most of the time for what I do and what I’m helping people learn. I need to dial this back so that all of my different areas can thrive. I need to give my mind a rest, and focus on a few other areas as well. I need to learn to ‘turn off’ when I’m not working.

mindbodysoulMy body has definitely taken a backseat lately. I have started to neglect my body’s wellbeing by not working out as often as I need to and not eating as well as normal. I rescheduled my 1/2 Ironman race due to all that’s happened within the last few months. Buying a new house and making sure my business is still successful has been my priority. Moving in, organizing (which I also feel I’ve fallen behind on), and making sure every single dog gets their needs met every day has been where my focus is. So, I want to get back to working out 3-4 times a week to make sure I’m ready for my tri in St. George in October. Still going to Australia, but not for the race. Which means now the dates are flexible, and we can spend time exploring and having fun. We need a vacation, and that’s going to be a big one.

Ah yes,, my soul. There was a weekend recently where my boyfriend and I connected very deeply, and I made a realization about myself. I realized I actually AM amazing. I do amazing things, and I help a lot of people. Even though I am very proud of how far I have come, I guess I never really realized how much good I actually do. I know I’m awesome, but I didn’t realize I was anything super special. I’m just me. I mean, I live a big life, but I’m still just me. I didn’t realize how far I have come, or how the things I’ve been through have shaped me, or how many people I help every day. I also do what I love. Every single day, I get to work from home, hang out with my dogs, help other dogs who need direction, teach people how to be stronger pack leaders, and enjoy being in nature every single day. I live a pretty awesome life, and I want to get back to feeling the balanced zen feeling.

I’ve forgotten to watch the sunrise. I’ve forgotten to listen to the rustle of the leaves in the wind. I missed the lightning in the rain. I’ve been too busy to notice the birds are having babies in my trees. I have been blinded, and missed the beauty. Again. This time, I haven’t been lost. But I’m not paying attention. I haven’t meditated in way too long.

Again, I missed something that’s right in front of me. I got caught up in daily life and forgot to stop and pay attention to the beauty of the world. I started to care too much about everything else, and not enough on where my attention is most needed.

I desperately need a nature day. I feel like I’m getting closer to having the freedom to take one when I need one, but I’m just not there yet.

I live an extraordinary life. I’m amazing, and I built this life. I want to get back to feeling amazing every single day. And that means I need to reconnect with my mind, body, and soul. It’s easy to get off track when something in your life pulls all your attention to one area. I need to keep balance and focus on each area equally.

And that means I’m going into the mountains today and meditating. When I started my healing journey last year, that’s where I started. And that’s where I’ll start now.

Fall Aspen trees and Maples. Mt. Timpanogos, Wasatch Mountains, Utah.

Fall Aspen trees and Maples. Mt. Timpanogos, Wasatch Mountains, Utah.