We Kill Each Other

We kill each other with our words, our meanings, and what we don’t say.
We kill each other with looks, fake smiles, frowns, and disgust.
We kill each other with disrespect, lies, and truth.
We kill each other by degradation, stereotypes, and expectations.
We kill each other with religion, belief, and extremes.
We kill each other with labels, classifications, and clicks.
We kill each other by hiding, assertion, and disappointment.
We kill each other with war.
We kill each other with success and failure.
We kill each other with our actions, and our betrayals.
We kill each other with selfishness and selflessness.
We kill each other with pride, power, and greed.
We kill each other in body, mind, and soul in any way we can.
We kill each other by looking at just the surface.

 

The war of souls is bigger than what you can do with guns. By crushing the spirit, the species as a whole will die. We abuse ourselves terribly every day. That’s not enough, so then we abuse others.

 

 

The spirit dies when it is lied to, cheated on, or deceived.
The spirit dies when it is disappointed in the actions of others.
The spirit dies when justice isn’t served.
The spirit dies when it is stolen from.
The spirit dies when it is used or abused.
The spirit dies when it is ignored.
The spirit dies when others around us are ignorant.
The spirit dies when it is not allowed to heal naturally.
The spirit dies when it is not defended or stood up for.
The spirit dies when it is abandoned.

Life is precious and can be taken away. It can all be over so quickly. Extinguishing the light is as easy as snuffing out a flame. Shouldn’t everyone should have the chance to let it burn to the wick? Let the flame go out on it’s own.

If the spirit is dead, there is no flame. It takes bravery to relight and start again.

You have the power to put out the light of someone’s else’s flame. You also have the power to light it again. But don’t forget you also have the power to protect your own flame.

Don’t put out the light.

I Came Home Today

homeI came home today. Now, before you can really understand what this means, I need to back track and explain a few things. I haven’t talked much about this spiritual journey I have embarked on. It has been interesting, but not incredibly noteworthy until now. I broke through. I moved mountains! I felt true, open, vulnerable happiness. I have been freed of the mental chains holding me back, and I can see the light. I have a deep sense of peace, and I realize that what’s been holding me back has been me this whole time.

I have a beautiful soul, and I have a shining light of happiness inside me. I have had different events or people try to squash it, bury it, murder it, or take it from me. Some have been successful at dampening its’ power. But I have learned to protect myself, and learned that this power is mine. It’s my light, my happiness, it’s my life. I can choose how to use the power, who to give my light to, and how to protect it.

So, let me explain how this all started. I have been receiving healing from an energy healer. But not just any energy healer. Someone who specializes in working with the psyche. She dives deep into the inner chakras to see where you have emotional blocks, and helps you work through them at your own pace. You do the work. You feel it, you work through it, and she helps guide you. Through one on one sessions, she uses a metaphorical dialogue to help you understand how you view things, and work through programs you are running as self defense mechanisms. These programs actually cause more harm that good, and she helps you change your programming. Dynamic breathwork is another tool she uses to help you push out energy that gets stuck. This can also help clear entities. You can work through deep emotional traumas, baggage, and hurts that haunt you. This baggage you carry around can destroy your hopes, dreams, relationships, and your mind. You can push out dark, negative energy that damages your psyche. Through these tools, I have prepared myself for a workshop where we will work through deep childhood wounding. But that’s a different post.

marshall1So, fast forward to last week. I was in a breathwork class, and I started to work through something huge. Things like blame, pain, death, loss, shame. The loss of my dear Marshall. It was so tragic, so sudden, and not fair. My dogs are my family. The loss of Marshall was devastating, and I didn’t want to let go. Because I thought if I let go, he’d be gone forever or maybe I’d forget him if I didn’t hurt anymore. Of course, his physical body was gone already, but I couldn’t accept that he wasn’t with me anymore. It was too painful to let go. During this session, he came up. Not physically ‘came up’, but he was in my thoughts, my memories. I remembered in detail. That fateful day. Every second was in slow motion, and I relived it. It was so painful and I was screaming. Sometime during this playback in my head, I heard a voice. Not clear, but a whisper, straight to my soul. It was myself talking. I said “It’s not your fault. Forgive, and let go. Let him go.” I started crying, and I didn’t want to let go, so I fought. I fought the feeling and wanted to hang on. Tetany happens when you have control issues and you can’t let go of the hurt. Your muscles cramp up and you can’t open your hands. It’s scary and it is excruciating. This started to happen, and it’s happened before. This time, I surrendered to the pain, and I let go. I cried violently, and I let go of Marshall. I forgave myself. It wasn’t my fault. His spirit is always with me because he is a part of me. He isn’t part of my FAMILY, he’s part of ME. When I realized this, I stopped crying and I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. I felt him there with me. And I realized he had never left me. He’s with me even now, because he is part of my soul. That’s why I connected with him so well. We found each other, and he needed me in his life. I needed him, because I was missing a piece of my soul. He couldn’t be a part of me in physical body, but he can this way. Then remembered all the little cute things that he did all the time and I smiled, I laughed, I cried, I mourned, and I let go. And soon, I was at peace. Right after this happened, I was enveloped by a warm purple light. My guardians, I presume. They protect me, and they were happy I have reached this state. They gave me a gift. This gift was protection and said I can have this peaceful, happy feeling as long as I want it, but there was a price. Vulnerability. I had to agree to keep my heart center open, and accept peace and happiness without fear. I agreed to try to my best and protect myself against negative energies who try to bring down this feeling. I have control of this, and no one should be able to take this from me. I am in control of myself and my experiences in my life.

This experience was so powerful, I had a feeling of euphoria when I left that night. I control my life. I can CHOOSE to be happy. Happiness comes when I am open to vulnerability. I don’t have to be scared of being vulnerable. I overcame the pain, the fear, the paranoia. I did it. I put in the work and boy, since then, I will live my life so much happier. But it’s not over.

pagodaToday, I had a one-on-one session with her again. We use metaphors to help work through things. She always asks us to visualize a ‘red colored bridge’. Usually I see a bridge in the woods, a forest, or there’s a waterfall behind it. The path is always dirt, and heading towards the forest or woods. Today, it was different. Today, I saw a pagoda. Cherry blossom trees were all around me, losing their leaves. I walked up to the pagoda, seeming like a good thing to do, and feel like I should go inside. I walk inside, and it’s a temple of some kind. There is an alter with a statue on it, reading materials, black boards, meditation mats, etc. It’s clearly a community building where people go to worship. There’s someone inside, meditating. After some time (and energy work), we realize this person is pretending to be me. This person is tricking me and is imposter. He shouldn’t be here. I look at this a different way, and I realize this building belongs to someone, it isn’t a community building. It’s mine. This is my house, and this person has taken over. This is an entity who shouldn’t be here in this space. This entity moved in a very long time ago, and has been comfortable here for years. What it brought into my house is chaos, organization, and trickery. I asked him (it was a male monk impersonating me) to leave my house. He was confused, not violent, but didn’t understand why, after all this time, that it had to leave. I was firm and told him to leave again. I had help sending this entity away, and this place of worship transformed into a comfortable, cozy tiny place where I immediately felt welcome and happy. This is my home.

I look around, and feel like it has been far too long since I’ve really been home. I notice a black dog sleeping in front of a fireplace. I go to him, and I notice he is very old and blind. He has been waiting for me all this time. I finally came home, and his tail wags when I go to him. But something is wrong. He’s ready to die. He’s been waiting for me, so he can die. I hold him, and tell him I love him, and give him the release he needs to leave this world. I send him compassion and deep, unconditional love. Tears start to form, and I know I don’t have much time with this dog. I don’t know him, but I feel a deep attachment to him. I look into his milky, blind eyes, and I say goodbye to my new, but old friend. I see the light go out, and his body goes limp. He died in my arms. As I am holding his lifeless body, his physical body is disappearing. I truly did let him go, and I stand up, ready to move on. This is my space. This is my home, and I can choose who I let come in. I can choose who stays in my space. It is not a right, and I can be more conscious of who I let in. That doesn’t mean build walls, but I have the right to claim my own space.

cherryblossomsI went outside and saw it was night. On the wrap around porch of my pagoda was a rocking chair. I sat in the chair, and looked out into the night. I smelled the clean air, and watched mallards pick at bugs by the riverbed, right next to the red bridge. The river was flowing lazily with koi and cherry blossom leaves. There were no outdoor lights, but the stars and moon were bright enough to light everything up and what I was saw clear and peaceful. No one was around, but it was comforting. Knowing I was home, and the air was still, the atmosphere totally silent. In the air, you could smell nature and the crisp, clean scent of cherry blossoms. It was a beautiful scene, and I felt at peace. There was a shooting star, and I realized I was going to be ok, because this is my life.

I left feeling more in control of my own life. I am ready for the Inner Child work. I am ready to go on and set forth and learn to be happy in this body with this soul. I am learning how I can protect myself from negative energies, others’ ill wills, and how to also just be. I meditate every day, and do grounding exercises every morning to start the day. Getting snow today was a beautiful gift. It helps quiet the mind, I think.

Anyway, to close, I am learning how to take care of myself emotionally and spiritually. I am working to find all things balance in life, and I want to practice seeing beauty again. I have been so focused on all that has gone wrong, I forgot to see the good and what has gone RIGHT. Where there is good, there is always evil. I was focusing too much on the evil and the bad things. I want to focus on the beauty, the love, and I want to feel peace. I feel so connected and grounded, and this is a feeling I want forever. I can make that happen because I have the power to control my perspective!

Year’s Reflection

Dixie National Forest 12/2016

Dixie National Forest 12/2016

As the year is nearing the close, I can honestly say I am not the same person I was 12 months ago. I have changed in many ways I have never thought possible. I grow every year, but this year was incredibly traumatic, painful, and reflective of how far I’ve come.

Nappy, my very happy boy!I started the year by meeting an incredible guy. Literally, on New Years, I found Rob. I found him and kissed him, and stole his heart. He’s the most incredible, self sufficient person I have ever met, and he has big dreams. Guess what? I do too. The more I learned about him, the harder I started to fall. He’s amazing. He’s done amazing things, has really great stories of parts of his life, and has taught me so much about what is possible in this life. It has been an absolutely crazy journey, but I am so in love with him, and together, we can move mountains. We can do anything. The problem is we want to do EVERYTHING! We have gone through intense good times, but also heavy traumas and very deep, dark things. But we are going through it together. So, here’s to many more years to see what happens! Hopefully, the hard parts are subsiding, and we are building a fruitful foundation for the years to come!

I sold the house I bought with my ex husband all those years ago. I fixed it up with help from my friends, and sold it. I learned how to do drywall, do mudding & taping, painting, flooring, I laid cement, and learned to use many different kinds of tools I didn’t know how to before.

Upper Setting near Mirror Lake, Kanab, UT 06/2016

Upper Setting near Mirror Lake, Kanab, UT 06/2016

I learned how to take care of my own landscaping. And I learned more about all the legal hoops you have to jump through when you do something like get married or get divorced. It’s all ridiculous, but I learned more about everything. I learned more about the processes for buying and selling property, commercial buildings, licensing codes, how city ordinance works, and what to do when things get tricky.

 

 

I lived in a 900 sq ft studio where I shared space with my 5 dogs, and all my business visitors. Clients and dogs alike were invited to the only space I could call my own (which wasn’t even mine). My bed sat next to my kennel room. My Jedkitchen was in my living room. But I managed, and I kept up a positive attitude. I was forced out eventually, and I moved to a loft above my friend’s tack room on her ranch for several weeks after a house I had an offer for fell through 4 days before closing. She was incredibly generous, as I really thought I would be living out of my truck, while continuing to train dogs to make a living. That family is one of the sweetest families I know, and every single one of them are beautiful. I thank them from the bottom of my heart that I didn’t have to live in my truck for weeks while I found another house. I had a roof over my head, and a safe place for my dogs to live.

This gave me a brand new appreciation for being grateful for what I do have, and cherish the things and the people that I used to take for granted. Most of the time, not on purpose, but now I see the world much differently. I love more, I cherish more, and I don’t take running water, electricity, money, or life for granted. Material things mean little to nothing to me now. A ‘rich life’ means a happy lifestyle to me. That’s all I want. I don’t care about what I have, how much money I make, or material possessions. I just want to be happy, and live an emotionally, spiritually, and mentally rich lifestyle.

Moab, UT 10/2016

Moab, UT 10/2016

I found a house, and I moved in to this old, cottage-type home I fell in love with in May. Yes, it’s a project house with a shit ton of landscaping and yard work, but I loved it. I had help moving in from my friends, my clients, and my family (Rob’s included). It was an emotional experience, because moving into this house meant all the shit I went through before now is over, and I could leave all that baggage behind me. And I did. Slowly, I let it go. I didn’t have to continue to move every few weeks/months and I could start rebuilding. The work I had planned on doing on my house was quality work. I want to take the time to fix ‘er up and make ‘er mine. A few months later, Rob officially moved in with me. We are so happy, and this just felt right. Not rushed, and not because it was more convenient, but because it was right. We are together because we want to be, and no other reason. That’s the way it should be.

Horsetail Falls hike, Alpine, UT

Horsetail Falls hike, Alpine, UT

This house has many problems that we knew about, and a plethora of even more we didn’t know. It’s old, so some of the issues are because of wear and tear, old materials, and things that are outdated. But some of them are because of how things have been updated, band-aid fixes, or shoddy work on the house. We will slowly fix everything, and update what needs to be updated. The yard work in itself could take us years alone.Redoing the work others have done will also take years. That’s ok. We have all the time in the world. Life is what we make it!  No rush. This isn’t a race.

We have a bedroom, 2 bathrooms, the dog house, and the kitchen that are under construction all at the same time (we didn’t plan it that way…obviously). We are working on fencing projects, landscaping, and flooring all at the same time. Big projects are a constantly here, and it can be overwhelming, but we are trying to make the best of everything, and not let it overwhelm us. I feel it’s a direct relation to our life right now, and even though there are projects, all of them are repairable.

I have also had quite a lot of trauma this year. I have lost 3 of my personal dogs (Jed, Napoleon, and Marshall), 2 client dogs, and a foster dog. Plus all my friends who have lost animals this year. heather and marshallIt all hits me so hard, and it seems I’m so sensitive to loss now. This year was incredibly traumatic. I have a passion for life, but my heart has been broken over and over this year. It feels like it won’t ever totally heal. I want a lull in the disasters for a while. One thing after another, it keeps crashing. Devastating chaos keeps hitting, and before I’m able to fully recover from one, another one happens. It makes me want to stop working, and spend all the time I have cherishing the ones I do have. I wish life would allow that.

My heart has been broken so many times this year, I feel like it doesn’t know how to fully heal anymore. Happiness is a dream. It’s like something that if I try hard enough, I may see it again. Not that I’m unhappy or miserable, but I have an overhead gloom over everything that taunts me with ‘What’s Next?’ questions. What happened in this universe to cause all these things to happen? What energy am I putting out to allow this to continue happening? I started learning about energy transfers and similar things several years ago. I didn’t believe I was putting anything out that would cause these things to happen to me. I felt like a victim. Terrible things have happened. But I don’t see myself as a victim anymore. I see it as I need to learn something. I need to learn what energy I am putting out, and make it more positive, so I attract more positive events in my life. Happy, positive events, rather than chaotic, traumatic ones. That’s my take away. I’m working towards a more uplifting, happy life. I don’t want complicated or hurtful anymore. I want to do away with the negative. Not a New Years’ resolution, but a goal. I want to focus my energies on spreading positive, happy vibes. So, when life gives you lemons…Fuck the lemons and bail! Haha, no, I want to go with the flow of life, and accept even the bad things with grace. I want to be and let be. Make lemonade… anyway, you know all the metaphors, you know what I’m saying. I want to be able to roll with the punches! Ok, I’ll stop. I’m done!

Goodbye, Marshall

marshallhatLife is a precious gift. It can be taken away so quickly. I hold my family a little closer today, as our sweet Marshall unexpectedly passed away last night. We are devastated, and it still doesn’t feel real. I keep expecting to hear his little feet on the floor pitter pattering as quick as he can to come to me if I called him. He wasn’t sick, he wasn’t old. He was taken far too early. He was one of my best dogs, and the best ‘little’ I have ever had. I never thought I would have a little dog, as I’m into the ‘tough’ breeds. But then Marshall came to me for training and I fell in love with him. I told the family if they ever didn’t want him or couldn’t keep him, that I wanted him. I never expected to hear that a year later, they were moving and couldn’t take him. So without hesitation, I took him and he was immediately a part of my pack. I didn’t foster him, or even try to adopt him out. He just belonged with me. He was an amazing dog, and brought so much happiness to every person he met. I never expected this would happen so soon.

homedepotmarshallWe buried him under a tree in our front yard. He will stay here forever, and bring nutrients to the trees, the soil, and the earth. His body has returned to the planet, and his soul is now on a journey to wherever else it needs to be. He’ll always be with me, and I’ll have all the beautiful memories of him to remember him. I want to remember my bright, happy Marshall. I want to remember all the silly, cute things he did. The house feels very dreary today. Our hearts are breaking, and our souls cry. I wish this didn’t happen.

marshall

I remember the way he would sit or lay on top of the big dogs to stay warm.

I remember how fast he would run back to me when I called him. His recall was always awesome.

I remember how when the other dogs were eating, Marshall would clean up the pieces they missed. No one minds, and he never tries to steal food from out of their bowl.

I remember how he would try to sneakily crawl up underneath the blanket to snuggle on the couch.

Chasing Jane around the loveseat in the living room.

Always walking nicely on or off a leash, never had a problem listening.

When you corrected him for something, he would stare at you with one paw held up.

marshallhorsesWhen he curled up in the big dog beds by himself and his tail was resting on his nose, like he was hiding.

When we all went camping, and he found the sunniest little spot to rest while we were all cooking breakfast.

How everyone who met him instantly loved him.

When I would let him sleep with me in my bed, and he could curl up right behind my knees.

jinxmarshallHow he loved to sit right in between the big dogs’ paws, like he belonged to them.

How he was the perfect size to sit with you and make you feel better.

He wasn’t really ever scared of anything.

He had no issue putting any size dog in their place if they were being pushy or rude.

How he loved to drag around the biggest bone he could find.

That time we went to the Farmer’s Market and Rob put him in his camelback because he was tired.

marshallgrassHow everyone thought he was a puppy.

How he loved people so much, he would just start walking with them.

How he just looked extra cute no matter what he was doing.

His eyes were too big for his face.

The time I took him trail riding, and he kept up with the horses like it was no big deal.

How he was amazing with kids and all other dogs.

He was awesome with all animals. He never tried to hurt chickens, cats, kittens, or even little rats.

He was the ‘Marshall’ of the dog yard. He was named after Eminem, but to me, he was literally a Marshall. An authority figure.

He really was the best dog.

squishesmarshallI’m really going to miss him, the house won’t be the same without him. I only had him several years, but in that time, he left his pawprint there. For such a small dog, he had the biggest presence in the best way. His spunky, happy personality is what I want to remember.

We will build you a little memorial in front of your tree, and plant flowers there in the Spring. You have no idea how many dogs you helped, and how many people were touched by you. You have made a huge impact on the world, and I will never forget you. You can never be replaced. I’ll do my best to keep my chin up and put on the smile, because I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad. In fact, I feel like you would be curled up with me right now, trying to cheer me up.

I love you, Marshall. So much. Be at peace now.

marshalltail

polymarshall

A True Leader

What makes a true leader? Is it money? Or power? Or the ability to cause others to fear you? Ignorance, maybe? I’m not just talking about the newly elected President. I’m talking about all leadership figures. CEOs, parents, dog parents, teachers… etc. What really makes someone powerful? What makes you want to follow someone? I’ll tell you what it is for me. I’ll tell you how someone can gain my respect and make me want to follow them to the ends of the Earth.

If I was a leader, I would provide patience. This is a scary word because you give up all control when you have patience, and put your faith in their hands. You watch and let them make mistakes. Then, you gently guide them back into making a better choice next time. Chewing on the furniture or drawing on the walls? “Hey! That’s not ok! But you can chew on this toy, or write on this paper.” Then, the frustration is gone, and you go about your day. A gentle, small correction, and then redirection onto something appropriate is enough.

What happens when frustration gets the better of you? And you overcorrect? Yell at them, take something away, add way too many rules (keep them on a short leash, in dog terms), or maybe even turn to a physical correction that is too rough? It always damages the relationship. Every time. Whether that’s your dog, your child, America’s citizens, or your significant other. What is recovery like? Distrust, hurt, anger, and walls go up. You have lost respect. Which, in turn, will also turn into distrust. When the respect and the trust are gone, there is no meaningful relationship anymore. The negativity will overcome all the positivity in the relationship, and it will be harder and harder to recover, if at all.

Patience. If you stop trying to control everything, and you let it go with gentle corrections, the relationship will recover over time, and the trust will return. This has to be an active choice, and you can’t half ass this. Take emotion out of it, and truly try to meet the others’ needs during this fragile time. Acceptance, trust, and respect are earned. This doesn’t happen overnight. Let things heal before you start pushing. Wait it out, wait for them to make a decision. Kids, dogs, significant others, and America. Stop trying to force their decisions. When forced, especially with aggression, more and more damage will occur to the point where it is non-recoverable. Anger, hate, irritability, and rioting will become a daily occurrence. As emotions subside, recovery can begin.

spreadloveI’m disappointed in this election’s results. However, this was what America wanted. We are in a democratic government, and the public has decided they feel this is the best choice for our country. I don’t need to spread negativity to make it clear how I feel, and my one vote (if I had even voted) didn’t matter, as I thought. But, we, as a people, had a voice. I had faith in the public. When we have anxiety, it’s because we don’t have control. I’m trying to relinquish my control, so I put my faith in the American people to make a choice. I had patience, and I didn’t watch the numbers last night, I went to sleep with thoughts of my hunny and our dogs. I thanked the spirits for how fortunate I was to have a safe place to live, be surrounded by animals, and that we have a beautiful plan for our future. I didn’t think of politics, or anything else. I went to sleep peacefully, even though I didn’t sleep well. I had a very bad, very disturbing dream that left me with a pit in my stomach. So I meditated and pushed out whatever negative energy had made it’s way inside me. I want to feel light and happy, and that dream was not helping me. It was emotionally jarring, and I didn’t need to hang on to it. So I let it go and went about my morning.

The people spoke and decided what they wanted. It is over, it’s been decided, and now recovery can begin, if America will let it be and start spreading love to each other. Let’s be positive and patient in this time so we can help our country heal. We all have to work together.

Hate, negativity, fear, control, and pride are all things that will not help us heal. Let’s show America’s beauty and honor the sacrifices so many have made for us to be able to live the way we do. Our soldiers died for the right for us to vote. They died for us to have the freedom of speech. Our soldiers aren’t the only ones who sacrifice. There are acts of bravery on a daily basis that we don’t see. So, don’t ignore them. Don’t take those for granted. These warriors gave up so much so we can have the freedom to feel those emotions without fear of expressing them. So regardless of who you voted for, or your standpoint on politics, religion or any other personal value, spread love and understanding. Seek to learn, instead of to hurt. Go out of your way to be positive and cast aside negative thoughts. Lift each other up! So instead of sharing our negative thoughts, let’s bond together and make this the country it was meant to be. We can all make a difference, we are all important. It doesn’t matter who is President, let’s find the beauty in this new leadership. Let’s be hopeful and positive, and help make each other’s lives beautiful. Share positivity wherever you go, and shine your light bright. You matter. We ALL matter.

america

The Human Condition

mindpowerThe human condition; It’s great and awful at the same time. It makes us feel all  the juicy emotions like happiness, love, euphoria, contentment, success… but we also feel all those hurtful ones like insecurity, anxiety, depression, and hopelessness. Feelings tend to complicate life, and leak into decisions we have to make. Sometimes, it brainwashes us into thinking a certain way. Psychology is a powerful thing. I’ve always been intrigued by how our brain takes over and causes us to make decisions emotionally.

My brain doesn’t turn off, and sends me negative thoughts pretty much constantly. We have to be stronger than the doubt, the self destruct, and the ridiculous things our brain sometimes does when we feel threatened. Threatened? Why? Usually from some deep childhood wound that you probably don’t even know anything about. But it comes up at the most inopportune moments and tries to remind you that it’s in charge.

Well, this has happened to me a few times lately. Where my brain tries to sink it’s teeth into my conscious and make me feel a certain way. It didn’t use to happen nearly as often, but I’ve been peeling back some layers and flirting with my Inner Child wounds. Not enough to actually figure out where they come from, but enough to hurt. And to come up enough times for me to notice. I see the pattern now. But I’m not approaching it emotionally. At least, I’m trying not to. Instead of getting all emotional and ‘Oh, poor me, I’m damaged.’ I’m like ‘Pssh, yeah, we all are.’ I recognize this is a result of some wound I need to heal from. Not sure what, but it’s there.

self-esteemChildhood wounding can happen, even if you have the most perfect childhood. Have you seen ”Inside Out”, the Disney movie? That’s a good representation of how all emotions do have a purpose, but also how sometimes emotions don’t make sense, and even though those memories were all happy to begin with, somewhere down the road, other emotions invaded, and how they are happy and sad at the same time. I feel it’s a development thing based on maturity, age, experience, and how much we’ve had to go through in a short amount of time.

I feel I live a rich life. Not monetary, but emotionally. If I died today, I could look back and say I loved, I lived, I failed and I was successful. I have had a wonderful life because I make it so. I understand the feeling of being “stuck”, going through crossroads, and just floating through until something changes. What I realized is I had to make the change for myself.

Anyway, back on topic. Stories have me feeling ‘threatened’ lately. It’s because, I’m in the middle of a transition again. I have feelings of being too much or not enough…or both at the same time. It’s complicated, my brain won’t stop, and I can’t snap out of it. It’s a self confidence thing, but I’m very confident…but sensitive and self-conscious at the same time. How can this be? Because of that damn thing called the ‘Human Condition’ again.

So, I allow my brain the moment of judging, the threat, the processing time, and then I snap back. It never has anything good to contribute, never anything mind blowing or that ‘a ha!’ moment where I figure out the universe. So, I allow it the moment, then snap back. The brain helps us, but it is also the powerhouse for all the confusing, complicated emotions that make up the human condition. It causes the fears, doubts, disappointments, and insecurities to make us feel too much or not good enough. We have to help train and guide it to make better choices and help our souls stay positive.

When we allow it to get to us, that’s when we invite negative energy in. We block out the comfort of love and compassion, he stop hearing the compliments and pick out what our brains want to hear to validate our weaknesses. We cannot give love if we can’t receive it from ourselves. Self love is the most important part of life, in my opinion. We have to be careful about protecting ourselves from even the negative energy our brain sends us.

The lack of trust, negative thoughts, and threats are all in our head. Tell your brain to settle and calm down. There are many different ways to do this, but distracting with positive energy seems to help. Don’t let your brain just sit ignored, but focus on something else: like your breath. Like a repetitive beat. I get it. I’m learning this now from my energy healer, but there was something that clicked today. You focus on something else until you feel at ultimate peace. Not a distraction where your brain is working on something else, but actually just focusing on one thing until you can achieve a grounding effect. Video games, books, etc – these do not provide that same effect. Those kinds of distractions are not what I’m talking about.

As a result of this training, you can allow your brain to have the moment, and then you can gently bring it back without jarring it into more negative emotions. (Example: “Dammit, I did it again, I’m so stupid!”) We all do it, we all should get out of our heads, and spend more time in the ‘real world’. Fill your world with positive thoughts, happy activities, and enjoy every moment you have with the important people in your life (and that includes yourself!). I say all this, so avoid being a hypocrite, I should practice it! I’m off!

Programming

As my energy healer calls it, I’ve been running the same “program” for many years, resulting in the same story presenting itself over and over again in different areas of my life. We changed a program. I feel myself wanting to go back to that program sometimes.

The one I’m taking about is the ability to solve problems or find solutions. Sometimes, I’ve made up my own problems so that I could make up a solution for it. I’ve done this for years, and I was always told it was a symptom of anxiety. To keep the mind busy means happiness. When left alone, you feel unprepared when something does happen. Well, I’m no longer running this program. Which means less stress overall, and I don’t have to make up problems. Which also means I don’t have to constantly think about solutions all the time. Big projects and dreams don’t overwhelm me anymore, and I’m no longer looking at the end result. I’m looking at the now, and enjoying the journey.

goodlifeGoal-driven projects and dreams set us up to fail, increase stress, and always make us seem like we don’t have enough. So, I’ve stopped running this program. I take life as I go, and enjoy the every day moments a little more. I stop reading into every word said (or not said), and the little things that would normally drive me into a frenzy because I couldn’t figure out what the underlying meaning was.

“It’s not a big deal” used to irritate me when people said that to me. TO ME, everything was a big deal. I was all or nothing, and every day, I reminded myself of the big dreams, big goals, and BIG life I live. I guess it was an overwhelming weight on my shoulders. I take it as it comes now. It’s a way lighter feeling to not have to worry about how much I’m moving towards my goals. I’m exactly where I need to be. I have dreams, sure. And I’m motivated, but I’m done letting it affect my state of mind all the time and bring me down.

I work hard to be positive and to enjoy the moment. I don’t miss the little things that make life LIFE anymore. I go through phases where I see everything that’s beautiful and appreciate even the things a lot of people can’t see the beauty in. I go out of my way to see the good in people. Then, other phases, where I want to complain, bitch, and pick out all the negative things…especially in myself. When my self esteem is low, I look for things that are wrong with me. Why I can’t be happy, or make anyone else happy. My job is not to make anyone else happy. It’s to be happy.

So, I’ve been enjoying every single little thing I can think of, and filling up my thoughts with positive, happy vibes. No matter what’s going on around me, I’m in control of my state of mind, and how I see the world. So, I choose to see the beauty…again. I lose touch every once in a while, and I think that’s part of the learning curve.

I’ll get it. I want to be a positive, shining example for people who struggle with positivity. I want to share these happy feelings with the dogs I work with, my clients, and every person I come in contact with.

My success is based off of what I value about myself. Not what others gauge to be important to them. What does success mean to you? Personal value? Money? Family? Land? Material possessions? To me, it means emotional prosperity. I want to fill fulfilled as a person, and feel like I have achieved happiness. There are many ways to get there. What do I need to feel that way? A positive state of mind where I can appreciate all the good around me. What does it mean to you?

beautySo, world peace, love, and harmony to every one who reads this. We are all beautiful people. Don’t let anyone tell you different. You don’t need someone to tell you that you’re beautiful. Remind yourself instead. You are in charge of your own happiness. It’s hard sometimes, but you’re purpose is your own. You can lift yourself up, you can also bring yourself down. You are in charge of you. Make this so. In the end, the only person you have is you.