Misdiagnosed

I saw my therapist today. I like her, she asks a lot of questions, and she really is qualified to help me unlike that other therapist. However, today was one of the most emotional days I have had in a while. Ups and downs, and then some news that I have been misdiagnosed all these years.

In Grade 2, I was diagnosed with ADHD. That was about 20 years ago. I didn’t know what that meant, all I knew was that my brain functioned at a higher level than everyone else’s. My brain thought faster.

Turns out, I DO NOT have ADHD, or I have this along with another mental illness: Bipolar Disorder Type II or Cyclothymia.  Both of these disorders are manic depression disorders that affect the mood.  My therapist is trying to figure out which disorder I have, but I don’t just have major depression (aka chronic depression), OCD and/or ADHD behaviors. I could also have obsessive compulsive habits, which many people have told me I do, but I would like a proper diagnosis. See, I was misdiagnosed before with chronic depression. Apparently, that is not the case.

I had an emotional day, and I’m ready to just collapse in a heap of confusion with my big yellow boy.

SilkFlowers

4-12-13 Here are some silk flowers I found at my therapist’s office

Oh, before I jump off – I found this poem on Darcy’s blog and it really describes how I feel sometimes. I sometimes have to fake it to make it.

I quite like myself
slouched over a television with a broken remote,
pale skin alive with glowing colors
at 3:33 in the morning

I think I am at my best
when I am hovered
over the kitchen sink just after dark
running hot water
over my raw fingers

I feel great
when I am sprawled across my bed
crying before I even wake up
sun pushing, unwanted,
through a dirty window

I am very happy with who I am
I say aloud in the car
all alone
while I consider driving into a tree
I am very happy with who I am

 

ADHD Day

Here’s a day in the life of a person who has ADHD (and on that note, I honestly think my dog has it too. Yes, I’m serious, and yes, it’s real in dogs). Here’s a commentary of one of my normal days…(Including my thinking process)

Every time I start something, I want to do 10 other things.

I start working, and I realize I haven’t posted on my blog yet.

So, I open up a new tab, and open up my blog. Then someone comes over to my desk to tell me that my new business site looks really good.

Oh Thanks! As a matter a fact, I’m going to go look at my business site. Yeah, you are right, it looks great… except for that-wait. What’s that?

Work forgotten, I start working on my website.

While I’m working on my site, my friend messages me on Google Talk and tells me she’s on Facebook and see’s something cool.

So I go to Facebook to check it out. Oh, haha- yeah, that’s pretty funny. Thanks friend. Types message to friend to tell her it’s really funny. Oh, I have 14 new notifications on my Facebook account. Checks them.

Huh, work phone is ringing. Answer phone, work related conversation. So, I get off the phone, create a development ticket, do the ticket, and then realize I have emails in my Outlook. Start answering email…

Oh! I got a notification on my phone – new email to Pawsitive Dog Training. Great! Check that… starts answering email…

Umm, I have to pee. *tick tock… tick tock* Ok, I’m back. What are all these emails doing on my screen… Oh! I was in the middle of finishing and sending them.. Right! Continues email…

TiberiusI look over and realize my bearded dragon’s cage is dirty. Hmm, ok, let’s clean that….

Yay, all clean! Oh! I need to answer all my Facebook notifications. Realizes there are now 28 new notifications…Hmm.*.  Starts checking notifications… 

Oh yeah! Work! Closes Facebook, does some work.

Remembers I had emails sitting, waiting to be sent. Finishes one of them – work related.

(*Thinking…. In my head… realizing all the things I have to do today… update my blog, go to the butcher to get dog food…Max is getting neutered today… go to the bank.. CRAP! Oh… I have to make sure my dog gets a walk today… it’s kind of mandatory. *)

Ok, back to work… Oh, I don’t want a yahoo account anymore. Let’s close it out. Now, we have to change all the emails on every online account I have. Bank, utilities, online doggie forums, student loans, Vistaprint, Living Social, Pinterest, Facebook, online banking software… the list keeps going. So, I do that, and in the meantime, realize I’m hungry…

*Eats triscuits* Mmm. I like those. I’m eating the Fire Roasted Tomato and olive Oil ones. OH MAN! Those are good with some cheese. CHEESE! I have some at home, maybe I’ll have a vegetarian quesadilla tonight. Yeah, that sounds good.

Oh! Work! Right! Ok, just do some work. …Finally sends other email, and does some real work.

10 minutes later

Cool, did some work. I have a voicemail on my work phone, and my cell phone says I have a text message. I should really put that thing on silent. . . puts phone on silent. Checks text message… Oh, that reminds me: I need to update my status on Facebook for my business page and update the Tip of the Week on my business webpage. Does that…Realizes there are more notifications on Facebook to check… Checks those… responds.

OH! The voicemail. Ok…work! Checks voicemail. Woah! Someone yelled at me in the voicemail. Ok, call them back… explain it’s not our fault. MOVE ON WITH LIFE. Shake it off.

Oh! It’s time to go home.. well, do all the stuff I was thinking about yesterday! Yay! CRAP! Tiberius didn’t get his crickets…feeds Tiberius crickets. Crickets need food, too… so…feed crickets.

Wow, I’m exhausted! Just a day in the life of an ADHD individual. Lots of work done, but not much to show for it…