Blindsided

Blindsided with news that hits you like you’ve been punched in the gut. It makes you feel like you were set up. Betrayed, even though this was long before you were in the picture. It’s nonsensical, but logic doesn’t have a place in emotions. Emotions don’t always make logical sense.

Just because it was in the past doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting. Old news from the past brought up in the present, is the present to the people who weren’t there. It’s new news, and a fresh trauma. That’s was life is… trauma after trauma. We just get better at dealing with it.

Avoiding the issue and burying it doesn’t fix anything. Just leaves a giant mess to deal with later. Typically, when left alone, these things have a tendency to get bigger. Rip it open. Talk about it. Listen and be compassionate towards each other. Accept there are differences, changes, pasts, and mistakes. But that’s easier said than done. Emotions get in the way.

You visualize it because you are a creative, emotionally intelligent person. You play it out in your head like you are watching a movie. You see it all happening in front of you like it’s real, playing over and over. Like it’s right now, and you are just watching on the sidelines. There’s nothing you can do but just “watch”. It’s so real, you can almost hear it. You feel dizzy and feel your heart in your throat. But if you make the smallest sound, the floodgates of emotion will consume you.

So you say nothing, sit in silence. You want to throw up. The blow in the gut makes you nauseous. Wait until the threatening choking feeling resides. You try to remind yourself this was in the past. Try to talk yourself down and hide the hurt because it doesn’t make sense. You can’t. You can’t because emotions aren’t logical. So you lash out. You question everything. You doubt because you’re hurt. You ask questions you never thought of before. Emotions are threatening to cause as much damage as possible. So you swallow it to avoid making it worse. You just hurt more.

Vulnerability can make people mean. Make them angry and defensive. So, eventually someone gets angry and lashes out. The other gets defensive. There’s a big fight. There are tears, and there are wounds getting deeper and deeper. The more lashes, the more yelling, the more damage is done. But underneath everything is just hurt. Hurt drives all the symptomatic feelings and causes the problems.

You have to get out. Fight or flight. Fighting made it worse, so you leave. You leave to cry and mope and scream and feel the hurt. You’ve learned to sit with your anger, your sadness, your hurt. You’ve learned to feel it, because only then, you can process it.

Mushroom Soup

As I knew it would, I crashed. Got up, feeling off, feed my animals, and went to work. Got to work, and realized the massive project I had left yesterday… was still there. Been working on it for about 5 hours, and it’s just now starting to clear up. Due to a problem within our software, a project I had been working on for a week or so has crashed, leaving a huge mess of clean-up for me. Basically, it’s a lot of unnecessary, tedious work that shouldn’t have happened.

That sort of set me off this morning. But I was determined to not hit the wall. So, I plugged in my headphones and rocked out to the same song over and over again. It helped. Then I get a call from my husband, asking if we could go out for dinner with some friends tonight. Some friends who are only in town for a few more days.

I didn’t have any trainings tonight, and he knew that, so he called to see if I would like to go. This would normally be something very nice that I would enjoy. Well, being a little on the low end today, and then being OCD, I realized my plans would change tonight.

*Panic*

I wouldn’t be able to go grocery shopping this evening, which means I’m not able to make mushroom soup. I was looking forward to making mushroom soup, because we have a lot of mushrooms I need to use before the end of the week, or they will go bad. This also means that since we are going out to dinner, we are going to spend money. Which causes anxiety… this is where the tears started to well up and I started to shut down.

mushroom soupI kept thinking, because that’s what I do. I then realized that I would be getting home late this evening, and I’m already having a not-so-good day. AND I don’t get mushroom soup.

Oh SHIT! Napoleon! He is crated at home right now, and he needs to be let out before we go out tonight. Which means I have to go home first (which is 20 minutes out of the way), let him out for potty time, feed the animals, and then crate him and leave again. This almost had me in hysterics because this means he’s going to be in his crate all day, and then again while we are out at dinner. He would also not be getting exercise today, which is unfair to him. UGH! I hate when this happens.

So now, all these things are swimming in my head, and I can’t even think! My brain just shut down. My dearest husband doesn’t understand, and he’s trying to talk me down. Finally, I’m breathing. Just breathing. That’s a good thing. I stop breathing when this happens.

Ok, back to reality. SHIT! SHIT SHIT! I have someone coming tonight to pick up something she bought from me. Now I have to call and cancel or reschedule with her. I HATE RESCHEDULING!! I feel like I’m a flake and I just cancel or reschedule on everyone. And, on top of that, I can’t the rest of the week because I have dog trainings… and I can’t during the day, obviously, since I work… oh, it’s starting again… I can’t breathe.

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Later….

I have calmed down now…though it took several hours. I’m getting ready to leave to go out to dinner. It’ll be fine. Napoleon will be fine. My mushrooms will be fine. My husband has offered to go to the grocery store tomorrow while I’m doing training, so I can come home and make mushroom soup. He also offered to go out on a walk with me later this evening with Napoleon (if it’s not too cold), otherwise, we’ll play hide ‘n seek with him when we get back. This is a big deal since he doesn’t like taking care of our animals.

… *breathe*… Just try to breathe. I feel a panic attack coming. I’m trying so hard to keep it together. WHY?? I just want to sit in a dark corner and cry…and eat my mushroom soup.