Temp Friendships

Temporary friends. Unfortunately, I have come to the conclusion that friendship is only temporary. I have had friends as kids, then as I grew older, I made new friends. I moved, made new friends and old friends fade away. I have never had what you call a life-long friendship.

I had childhood friends – none of whom I even speak to now. I had elementary and Junior high school friends. My best friend in Junior High/Middle School (whatever you call it where you are from) died of leukemia. In high school, I had a group of friends and we were very close. We did everything together, and every Friday night, we would go to someone’s house and listen to music, make potatoes, play video games, and just hang out. I really miss these people. So much it hurts sometimes.

When I graduated 6 months early from high school, I realized how hard this was on our friendship. I tried to come home every weekend and hang out, but between the hour drive and the homework I always had on weekends, it was really difficult.

I made friends in college, and knowing full well that they were moving back to wherever ‘home’ was when we graduated – I got close to them. I made some very good friends. Some of my happiest memories of my life are with them.

I graduated college with my Bachelor’s Degree when I was around 20 years old. I tried to reconnect with my friends from high school and keep in touch with my friends from college. My HS friends were jobless and partying and trying to figure out what they wanted to do with their lives. I had graduated early from high school, got my BA degree in less than 2 years, and I had a high paying entry level programming position. Not that I was better, just we were in different stages of our lives now. I found myself downplaying how hard I worked to get my BA degree so quickly. It wasn’t a big deal. Meh… whatever.

Eventually, we stopped hanging out altogether. We are connected on Facebook, but random status posts, and ‘likes’ are about the extent of our friendship now. My college friends? Well, we keep in touch, but I have no idea what is happening with their lives now. I don’t know what they are doing, what they are thinking about, or why they have made the choices they have.

I have been left out. I am friendless, and I have to accept it. Should I just shell up and not talk to people? It’s easier. I won’t keep feeling like my heart is being ripped apart. I will feel less anxiety, I won’t have as much drama. Is it worth it to even continue to try to have personal relationships? I have a lot of acquaintances, but friends? Should I even try?

Friends step in and out of your life, and if you are careful – you can protect yourself by keeping them at a distance. Realize they are temporary, and that they will eventually move on. Not in a mean way. They aren’t intentionally leaving you or hurting you because you aren’t good enough. Just… you aren’t a big part of their life anymore.

Treated

…so I’m protecting myself.

I want to protect myself. I want to curl up in a tiny little ball and sink into the cushions in my sofa with a blanket. I want to just disappear to make it easier for everyone to severe ties.

But I don’t. Why? I keep inviting people to do things, I want to hang out, I want to have friends. I want to tell people my secrets and have fun. I want to be with people and have them love me for me. I love all my friends for who they are. It feels like I’m not appreciated for me. Everyone is leaving me behind.

Maybe I’ll just create a Sims neighborhood with all my ‘temp friends’ who I want to still hang out with and just live virtually. That way, when they leave for good, it will be because I have chosen them to do so. I’ll turn off age limits, and we’ll have unlimited amounts of money. We can do whatever we want, when we want. We’ll go downtown to go drinking, we’ll go horseback riding and go to the arcade. We’ll roam the city and tip the street guitarists. We’ll have lunch at the bistro and then head to the book store. Maybe head to the gym and work on the machines and then go swimming.  Who knows? I get to hang out with my virtual friends whenever I want.

To all my temp friends – I’m making peace with it. Don’t invite me places if you feel sorry for me. Don’t call or text me to say hi if you don’t genuinely want to be in my life. I understand you will someday leave me.

To all my real friends – Please don’t become a temp friend. Stay friends with me. Communicate when you are disappointed. Tell me when you want to do something. Have I hurt your feelings? Tell me. I want you in my life, do you want me in yours? Show me.