Healthy Addiction

Right after those big decisions are when you start to think about the “What’s next?” questions. And if it has to do with relationships, I feel like you always want to go out and look for the next person to fill the space. From my experiences… this is exactly what you shouldn’t do. Because you end up having stupid sex, using people, attaching unhealthily to someone, making mistakes, and never truly growing or healing from the damage.

This is what I have done in the past, and I made stupid decisions, got involved in very inappropriate relationships, had stupid pointless sex, used people to avoid my pain instead of dealing with it, and guess what? Never healed. Huh… and everyone says ‘take some time for you’. Yeah, ok. Harder said than done. They say until you are happy being by yourself, enjoying your own company with no ‘help’ from other people or distractions (healthy or unhealthy), you shouldn’t go out and meet new people. So, I’m (again) trying to learn about me. And there are a few patterns I’ve fallen into that I want to change.

First, I don’t like doing many things by myself anymore. I don’t like watching movies or playing games by myself. Which is weird since I only own mostly one player games, and that was my main hobby about 4 years ago. I’m different now I guess. I’m fine to go anywhere by myself, do workshops, teach, meet people, workout, drive, go out to bars, clubs, and go out and eat dinner alone, but I don’t like being HOME alone and doing things. So I’m never home. I’ve been working out a lot for the last few months. I live in my workout clothes now, because I never know when I may want to do a quick ab workout, or stop at the gym on my way home from somewhere. Yeah, SUUUPER healthy. (*sarcasm*)

Secondly, I don’t like boredom or loneliness, and want to spend my time with someone. This is where I got into trouble before. I was using people to fill up my time so I didn’t have to be home alone. To me, people were just there for my convenience. Disposable, I guess you could say. Until someone came along that I didn’t want to dispose of after a few dates or whatever. Anyway, I’m not filling my loneliness with people this time, I’m going to try to find things to do for myself that make me a better person. Other things than always working out. I’m writing again in my blog (I usually start to write more when I’m having the ‘feelings disease’), so that’s healthy, right? I’m trying to make time every night to read a chapter in any of my self improvement books. And I’m trying to do something with my dogs every day. I’ve gotten lazy with them, so they are struggling. I need to spend the time with them so they don’t become monsters. They’ve had a lot of change in their lives too, I can’t forget about them. It’s not their fault they are regressing.

Thirdly, I can’t help but think about things. I go over every detail, every mistake, everything I found out, everything that was said (or not said), energies, etc. And each time, I don’t find anything I could have done differently for a different outcome. Which reassures me, but my heart is broken. I’m not happy. I didn’t want to do this. I felt I had to. Doing something I really didn’t want to do, but thinking I didn’t have a choice anymore. It’s a pretty shitty place to be in. I feel like no matter which choices I make, I’ll be miserable. So I go out and work out more. My escape from these fucked up feelings that are like wrecking balls inside my brain… Don’t sing it, people. Let it go… Fuck. Anywho, that’s my healthy addiction. At least it isn’t alcohol or drugs or porn or tinder or … I’m stopping. And clearly very bitter today.

Fourthly, I think about the “what ifs”. This is just plain stupid and I should stop. What ifs are ridiculous because there are too many variables that can change the scope of what happened. I can’t just say ‘Well, if this happened, then X wouldn’t have happened.’ That’s bullshit. Because well, sure, if THAT didn’t happen, then we would be in a different place, but I’m sure something else would have happened, and we may be in a worse place. Or maybe it wouldn’t have changed anything at all. Or maybe, if this happened, and I handled it this way, then …OMG, I’m talking to myself. I’m done with this ludicrous paragraph.

And lastly, cooking. I love cooking, but I hate cooking for just me. I would much rather cook a meal for someone else and not even eat it than just cook for myself. So I drink protein shakes and eat like crap. I’m training and nutrition is important. So, this is super great (*Sarcasm … again*)I’m not eating enough, again. So I’m cranky, irritable, starving, and have no motivation to change anything. It doesn’t help I don’t have a stove or an oven. Or a microwave. So cooking in itself is challenging. Maybe I’ll just go raw. I’ve been vegan before, this can’t be too tough. Let’s add another project to my already chaotic life, that’s a great idea. (*sarcasm, Sherlock*) Wow, I’m pessimistic today. This is what happens when I’m at home, I need to get out. Going to go find something to do that will keep my heart rate up…again. For the third time today, I need to get out and work out.

Now I’m going around in circles again. I’m “stuck”. I feel like I’m in that endless loop where I’m trying to better myself, but I’m getting caught up in the same spot every time, and then I get frustrated after a while, and revert back. At least I’m not doing something that can hurt me or other people. It’s a “healthy” addiction, right? I’m in denial now. Whatever. I’m going on a trail ride with my dogs…or something.

Endless Spiral of Emotions

Sometimes, even after having a good day, the day was bad.

I’m going to try to use my ‘I feel words’ as my therapist liked to say…

I feel like nothing.

I feel like everything inside me is breaking.

I feel like I shouldn’t exist on this world.

I’m a waste of space and resources.

I’m not good enough.

I can try to be the best I can be, but I will never amount to anything.

I just want the world to ignore me. Just let me be. Don’t bother talking to me.

I feel alone in the whole, wide world. Just let it eat me.

I feel like inside, I am dying. In my head, I’m drowning. It won’t end though. It’s like I’m undead inside, so the pain continues. Forever.

It won’t stop. It’s a monster inside me, laughing while I am drowning in my own sorrow.

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http://quotes-lover.com/picture-quote/i-was-once-sad-and-lonely-having-nobody-to-comfort-me-si-wore-a-mask-that-always-smiled-to-hide-my-feelings-behind-a-lie/Yes, I know people love me. Yes I know I will be missed if I cease to exist. Yes, I know some people will be angry for me writing this. I KNOW. But that doesn’t make the pain go away. It doesn’t make it any easier.

It’s hard to talk. It’s hard to breathe. A weight is just pushing me down into the ground, and no one notices but me. I still have to put on my happy face and ‘be ok for society.’ because people don’t know how to handle someone who is suffering internally.

I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to read, or eat, or play a video game. I just want to do nothing. So instead, I’m typing this. Somehow, it seems to help. I’m forced to do something. So, the tears fall, and I type.

What started this today?  The feeling of realizing how much farther I have to go, and how big my dreams really are. How much work I have ahead of me. Realizing how much life I have to live with. My life isn’t even near being over. I have so much left to live. ‘You are young, you have time’ they say. No one realizes this means the shadow over me just got even bigger. It seems like it won’t ever end. Because if I keep on living, so will this monster, this cancerous thing inside me. It was hungry, so it took what little happiness I had, and ate it. Now, It feels like I’m back to my ‘normal’ self – empty.

The pain, the feeling of being alone, the dealing with it, the breathing, the studying, the working, the…the living. And then, I feel guilty for thinking that way. Because my friends and family wouldn’t want me to think that way. So, now, I’m feeling hopeless and guilty. Great. Just one more thing. I can’t handle all these negative emotions. And to ‘think positive’ on top of it all. It’s all just too much. Wow.. there’s the emotion I was missing… overwhelmed. Fucking wonderful.

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And I get to do it all again tomorrow…