Bye forever, house. I closed and it’s done. And I was expecting to feel either deep sadness or overwhelming happiness. It’s surprising I’m on neither side of the spectrum. It’s weird my lack of feelings. Seems this is a trend for me right now. Unless I’m significantly impaired by news I receive, I’m handling it as a surface feeling. Just feeling it, and then immediately moving on. No time to actually feel anything.

I remember so much from that house. My ex husband and I bought it 6 months after we were married. Good memories at first. But then there were some bad ones as well. Then, 5 years after that, we were divorced, and I continued to live in that house. About 6 months went by, then I met Caleb, and 6 months after that… he moved in. And another 6 months, I was blindsided and he moved out … then I moved out. I’m noticing a trend. Where will I be in another 6 months?

I wanted to move because there were too many memories there. I made the decision to up and leave after my world was turned upside down. Totally start over somewhere else. Distance myself from the world as much as possible and focus on my needs. I had been thinking about moving for a while, but a particular event was the straw that broke me. The one that made the decision for me. So it’s done. And I have no emotion. What does that even mean? Shock, maybe? Preoccupation with other more important pressing issues? Stress tank is full and my body is putting up a defense so I don’t get attacked with any more trauma. Because I’ve been beaten down so much in the last few months, I feel like I need a strong wall. A titanium wall that’s impenetrable. I’m working on it. I let it down here and there, but I put it back up whenever there’s a sign of trouble. I’m too fragile right now. I can’t take another blow, and just need some time to breathe.

I guess I feel happy and relieved it’s done. But it was seamless and not complicated. No real accomplishment there. I moved into my new place. A studio. I need to figure out something else for fencing there. What I have right now isn’t going to work permanently, but it will function. Everything else is going smoothly. I mean, as smoothly as it can. And I’m waiting on my equity check to clear. That’s a nice way to end this chapter of my life. No risk, no reward.

I’m sad I sold though. I loved that house. And the memories I made there were some very good ones. But there are also some very painful ones. That house carries a lot of charged energy for me. No looking back. Only moving forward and ahead. I’m not going to let things or people bring down my hope for the future.

Which leads me to one of the biggest decisions so far. I requested kennel licensing for a particular property in a nearby town. I presented my case to the council to rezone a lot after much negotiation with the Mayor. They discussed many different options, and when it came down to it, my request was denied. This was a huge setback, and it felt like my soul had been crushed. I did breakdown, but just for a minute, and then I moved on quickly and started thinking of other options. I worked so hard and did so much work for this. My mistake was I got hopeful. Hope is a poison, I’m learning. My contractor/friend/client has been my biggest supporter throughout this process, and helped me shake it off. This was a huge blow. I picked myself up, but I feel bruised. I’m scared to try again.

The feeling of giving up seems to be overshadowing me. I love what I do, but finding a suitable place is starting to seem impossible. “Be patient” they say. “You’ll find the right place, it’ll just take time” and a shit load of money. “Go commercial, it’s easier to get licensing” my friends say. Yes, it is. However, it’s also a lot more expensive, and if I don’t make enough, I lose everything. And that’s not where I want my company to go. I don’t want a facility as the image of my business. I want a ‘Little Dog Farm’ (Marc Goldberg’s training facility is called that in Chicago). I have a vision. I know what I want. I just don’t know how to get there. The brand of my company has been built, and I have a reputation. Changing to a facility changes the way I would market, how my clients would view me, and the type of service I would be offering. That isn’t what I want. Not like that.

Anyway, I think I’m in a healthy place, considering all things. Is turning off the ability to feel healthy? Normally, I embrace my feelings, and take the time to understand them, and then figure out how to manage them. I feel something, I take a minute, and then I move on. Very rarely have I allowed myself to feel something, and even then, I don’t let it last long. That doesn’t seem like me, but it’s how I’m getting through this along with some other stressful, confusing areas of my life. The biggest has been my living situation and how to continue running my business. Both have been solved, and now to find a new place. That’s my ‘next big thing’. That’s where my focus will be for the next 6 months. Then let’s see where I am. No distractions. I need to focus on the big picture again.