Tag Archives: bipolar disorder

Stuck in Between

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Now that the ‘high’ has worn off of getting my certification, and learning new skills, I’m back in the same place I was before. Ready for the next step of my life. Just waiting. The ‘in between’ stage.

Napoleon End of My Leash Heather Hamilton

Napoleon, happy to see me.

I find myself constantly anxious. Not really settling down, not relaxing, just… always going. Always doing something, and never taking a break. I’m exhausted. I can’t stop, and I can’t just BE. When I do try to relax, I’m caught up in thoughts about what’s next?

I’m not happy in this current ‘in between’. I’m always looking ahead. Not that it’s a bad thing, but it never gives me a chance to really calm down or relax.

It feels like there are things holding me back from greatness, and to break free means to change my lifestyle drastically. Not just make a decision, but… more than that. It’s something I can’t do. I just have to live with it.

I have plans that are in motion, but it feels like it isn’t enough. Like I’m not doing enough, or they aren’t moving fast enough. I’m stuck.

I’m trapped in this cycle and it’s suffocating. I know I’m doing everything I can, but then I feel like even that isn’t enough, and I should be doing more. So I try to do more, and then burn myself out. Repeatedly. What am I missing?

I work too much, so I fail in other areas of my life. And if I actually take the time to relax, I’m not working enough. I’m always falling behind in one area or another. I can’t ever be good enough.

We all wear multiple hats. Mine: Wife, daughter, sister, maid, cook, employee, entrepreneur, trainer, pet parent, driver, friend, teacher, accountant, coworker, the list goes on. And as I’m excelling at one, I’m failing at another. I laugh at myself for putting ‘cook’ up there, as I haven’t actually made a meal for my family in… oh, I can’t even remember. Which means I’m failing at that.

I don’t have the energy to keep up with everything anymore. I’m slowly falling into a hole that I can’t get out of. It’s all too much. I want to stop, I want to take a break. But every single one of those takes up valuable energy that I’m slowly running out of.

Tiberius, Heather Hamilton Bearded Dragon

Tiberius rocking the green.

I’m depleted. There isn’t anything else for me to give. I have no fight left, so I just let things happen. I will fail, I just accept it. I won’t be enough, but that’s ok. I will make mistakes, fuck things up and just shrug about it and move on. I just say ‘ok’ because I just want the decisions to be already made by the time I get there.

Again, professionally no one will see this when I am working. I will put on the face, do what I do, and no one will know the wiser. But inside, my fire is out. I can’t offer any more.

I feel I am a strong woman, and I can’t let a little discouragement bring me down. So, here’s my list of 10 things when I really need it. Like today:

1)      My dog is always happy to see me.

2)      My husband and I found a new show to watch.

3)      I get to watch a great dog this weekend

4)      I get to show my fellow trainer everything I have learned at my certification course at social this weekend.

5)      Change is coming, and I know it will be good. Many changes are coming.

6)      I’m happy when I’m working with dogs.

7)      I have a new favorite hoodie. A pitbull hoodie I bought of etsy.com.

8)      My house is clean.

9)      Tiberius’s cage is clean and is rocking green carpet.

10)   It’s getting colder, meaning we can go snowboarding soon.

Emma

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Pendulum

A poem I found that really describes how I feel about the manic behaviors of being bipolar.

I’ve been a huge bitch lately. What is even worse – is that I don’t care. Is that bad? I really just want to curl up in a blanket, and put all the cushions of my couch over me, and pretend like I don’t exist. I just want it all to stop. Let the world keep going while I stop. I just want it all to all fucking end.

I have caused unnecessary fights with my husband. I have picked fights with friends and intentionally upset people. I regret almost every single thing that comes out of my mouth. I feel this way from time to time, but it usually gets better. For the last month or so, every day gets worse and worse. I am now a rude, hateful person.

I’m making mistakes at home, at training, and at my day job. I over analyze everything and read way too much into each little thing someone tells me. I have irrational thinking, mind reading, I’m emotional, and I have selective listening. There are medical terms for all of those things, but basically, I’m depressed.

I feel physical pain when getting up in the morning. I relive every single thing that happened the day before and start to feel sick because I read too much into every interaction I had with a person and pick out my faults. I analyze every bad thing that is happening and read into it to find out why it happened. Because I’m pessimistic and I’m over analyzing and using non-productive thinking patterns, I blame myself.

Between my friends, the fights with my husband, Ryder, things happening at work, correcting a dog not enough or too much… my fault and I just want it all to end. I can’t stop. I’m manic. Now that I actually know what that means.

I have posted this video before, but I felt I needed to post it again. This is a pretty good representation of what it means to have any mental disorder, so I wanted to share it again.

I’m drowning and I can’t get out. I want to throw up, but I can’t. I want it to stop, but it won’t. I want to kill myself, but I won’t do it. I don’t want to continue going through the motions, but I do. Why do I even try? Because I have to. Because I know that it will get better. I know it will because it always does, but I’ll just spike up again. And take on too much, and then I’ll ‘crash’ again. The highs are like mountains, and the lows are like cliffs.

I have a friend who named the ‘down side’ of her bipolar disorder. I told my therapist about this, and she said because I was high functioning and intelligent, I can differentiate between which stage I am in. I have 2 ‘sides’ to every thought I have. A positive thought and a negative thought. Every thought I have, I have these 2 sides having a conversation before I can even make sense of it. It’s exhausting. She said it might help if I name mine as well. So we did.

There are 10 different negative thinking patterns: Mental Filter, Jumping to conclusions, Mind Reading, Fortune-telling, Labeling, Personalization/Blame, “Should have/Would have” statements, Emotional reasoning, magnification, Discounting the positive, over generalization, all-or-nothing thinking.

My therapist picked out the thinking patterns I use the most when I am depressed, and my personality is named:

Emotional Reasoning
Mental Filter
Mind Reading
All or nothing thinking

Go away, Emma.

And here’s a song I was listening to today that really helped me write this blog today.

Misdiagnosed

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I saw my therapist today. I like her, she asks a lot of questions, and she really is qualified to help me unlike that other therapist. However, today was one of the most emotional days I have had in a while. Ups and downs, and then some news that I have been misdiagnosed all these years.

In Grade 2, I was diagnosed with ADHD. That was about 20 years ago. I didn’t know what that meant, all I knew was that my brain functioned at a higher level than everyone else’s. My brain thought faster.

Turns out, I DO NOT have ADHD, or I have this along with another mental illness: Bipolar Disorder Type II or Cyclothymia.  Both of these disorders are manic depression disorders that affect the mood.  My therapist is trying to figure out which disorder I have, but I don’t just have major depression (aka chronic depression), OCD and/or ADHD behaviors. I could also have obsessive compulsive habits, which many people have told me I do, but I would like a proper diagnosis. See, I was misdiagnosed before with chronic depression. Apparently, that is not the case.

I had an emotional day, and I’m ready to just collapse in a heap of confusion with my big yellow boy.

SilkFlowers

4-12-13 Here are some silk flowers I found at my therapist’s office

Oh, before I jump off – I found this poem on Darcy’s blog and it really describes how I feel sometimes. I sometimes have to fake it to make it.

I quite like myself
slouched over a television with a broken remote,
pale skin alive with glowing colors
at 3:33 in the morning

I think I am at my best
when I am hovered
over the kitchen sink just after dark
running hot water
over my raw fingers

I feel great
when I am sprawled across my bed
crying before I even wake up
sun pushing, unwanted,
through a dirty window

I am very happy with who I am
I say aloud in the car
all alone
while I consider driving into a tree
I am very happy with who I am