Tag Archives: bipolar

The Human Condition

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mindpowerThe human condition; It’s great and awful at the same time. It makes us feel all  the juicy emotions like happiness, love, euphoria, contentment, success… but we also feel all those hurtful ones like insecurity, anxiety, depression, and hopelessness. Feelings tend to complicate life, and leak into decisions we have to make. Sometimes, it brainwashes us into thinking a certain way. Psychology is a powerful thing. I’ve always been intrigued by how our brain takes over and causes us to make decisions emotionally.

My brain doesn’t turn off, and sends me negative thoughts pretty much constantly. We have to be stronger than the doubt, the self destruct, and the ridiculous things our brain sometimes does when we feel threatened. Threatened? Why? Usually from some deep childhood wound that you probably don’t even know anything about. But it comes up at the most inopportune moments and tries to remind you that it’s in charge.

Well, this has happened to me a few times lately. Where my brain tries to sink it’s teeth into my conscious and make me feel a certain way. It didn’t use to happen nearly as often, but I’ve been peeling back some layers and flirting with my Inner Child wounds. Not enough to actually figure out where they come from, but enough to hurt. And to come up enough times for me to notice. I see the pattern now. But I’m not approaching it emotionally. At least, I’m trying not to. Instead of getting all emotional and ‘Oh, poor me, I’m damaged.’ I’m like ‘Pssh, yeah, we all are.’ I recognize this is a result of some wound I need to heal from. Not sure what, but it’s there.

self-esteemChildhood wounding can happen, even if you have the most perfect childhood. Have you seen ”Inside Out”, the Disney movie? That’s a good representation of how all emotions do have a purpose, but also how sometimes emotions don’t make sense, and even though those memories were all happy to begin with, somewhere down the road, other emotions invaded, and how they are happy and sad at the same time. I feel it’s a development thing based on maturity, age, experience, and how much we’ve had to go through in a short amount of time.

I feel I live a rich life. Not monetary, but emotionally. If I died today, I could look back and say I loved, I lived, I failed and I was successful. I have had a wonderful life because I make it so. I understand the feeling of being “stuck”, going through crossroads, and just floating through until something changes. What I realized is I had to make the change for myself.

Anyway, back on topic. Stories have me feeling ‘threatened’ lately. It’s because, I’m in the middle of a transition again. I have feelings of being too much or not enough…or both at the same time. It’s complicated, my brain won’t stop, and I can’t snap out of it. It’s a self confidence thing, but I’m very confident…but sensitive and self-conscious at the same time. How can this be? Because of that damn thing called the ‘Human Condition’ again.

So, I allow my brain the moment of judging, the threat, the processing time, and then I snap back. It never has anything good to contribute, never anything mind blowing or that ‘a ha!’ moment where I figure out the universe. So, I allow it the moment, then snap back. The brain helps us, but it is also the powerhouse for all the confusing, complicated emotions that make up the human condition. It causes the fears, doubts, disappointments, and insecurities to make us feel too much or not good enough. We have to help train and guide it to make better choices and help our souls stay positive.

When we allow it to get to us, that’s when we invite negative energy in. We block out the comfort of love and compassion, he stop hearing the compliments and pick out what our brains want to hear to validate our weaknesses. We cannot give love if we can’t receive it from ourselves. Self love is the most important part of life, in my opinion. We have to be careful about protecting ourselves from even the negative energy our brain sends us.

The lack of trust, negative thoughts, and threats are all in our head. Tell your brain to settle and calm down. There are many different ways to do this, but distracting with positive energy seems to help. Don’t let your brain just sit ignored, but focus on something else: like your breath. Like a repetitive beat. I get it. I’m learning this now from my energy healer, but there was something that clicked today. You focus on something else until you feel at ultimate peace. Not a distraction where your brain is working on something else, but actually just focusing on one thing until you can achieve a grounding effect. Video games, books, etc – these do not provide that same effect. Those kinds of distractions are not what I’m talking about.

As a result of this training, you can allow your brain to have the moment, and then you can gently bring it back without jarring it into more negative emotions. (Example: “Dammit, I did it again, I’m so stupid!”) We all do it, we all should get out of our heads, and spend more time in the ‘real world’. Fill your world with positive thoughts, happy activities, and enjoy every moment you have with the important people in your life (and that includes yourself!). I say all this, so avoid being a hypocrite, I should practice it! I’m off!

Nostalgia

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runningawayWhen did everything change? When did we become adults? The world is no longer adventures and imagination. Somehow, it has become twisted with responsibility, lack of sleep, and no fun. Happiness means nothing went wrong that day. We dream big and it never seems like the end. Stress is always looming over you like rain clouds.

At some point, we became adults. We had to buck up and take care of ourselves. We aren’t allowed to ‘have fun’ anymore, because that means work doesn’t get done. If I spend time for myself, my house is a disaster. If I spend time working on my house, my work doesn’t get done. If I actually get enough sleep, I can’t seem to work out in the mornings. It’s an ongoing cycle of what do I have to give up today?

We planned a trip to visit family. Work won’t just wait for me to get back. Work doesn’t stop because it’s the weekend. I still have live beings I need to take care of. They can’t just hang out until I decide it’s time to work again. I work every single day. I’m a dog trainer. Dog trainers don’t get days off. Well, I’m trying to figure out a way again how I can get a day off. I’m changing everything. I love owning my own business and I love what I do, but sometimes I wish I didn’t. Sometimes, it’s too much. Sometimes, I just need a fuckin day off!

I want to feel like I’m balanced. I want to feel like I have my shit together. I don’t. I’m not feeling stressed or overwhelmed. I’m not feeling that because I’m not at 100% capacity yet. I function at 80% stress every day. When I have less, I try to find problems because I don’t know to have a stress-less day. When I’m at more, I feel productive. When I finally get to 100%, I feel like it will never be over. Why do I have to function at 80% or higher all the time?

maps05We’re building a dream. A beautiful dream that is everything I’ve ever wanted. Just as it always happens, when things start to settle down, something is thrown at me. What lesson am I not learning? Why can’t I just experience peace for a short amount of time before something else blows up? My future dream is affected in this hurricane I just entered into. I was looking down the road, but it seems I’m walking that road now, and I have to make decisions that may affect the next 10 years of my life. I’m scared.

When did this happen that I took on so much? I’m only one person. I make a difference, but I can’t change the way the world works. I feel like this is big, and much bigger than I was prepared for. I got a taste of it, and now it’s being shoved down my throat.

I want to go back to when things weren’t this way. When decisions were about which game to play when you got home, and what shoes to wear. But instead I’m faced with decisions like should I clean the house, or should I file clients and make training videos? I just need some time where I’m not thinking about work. It seems impossible.

Uphill Battle

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Depression is debilitating. Literally, you can’t work through it. Motivation goes out the window, your body hurts, you can’t focus, you feel like crap, and you just want to sleep. It does go away, it does get better. But in those moments, you feel like you will never be happy again.

You try to do things that make you happy, but all it does is just makes things worse because you are forcing yourself to do something. I find it’s easier to do something you don’t want to do, because you’re not going to like it regardless of your state of mind.

Everything is negative. Everything is stupid. And you don’t want to do anything anyway. Just sleep. Well, guess what? You wake up and you still feel the same. Doesn’t help anything. Everything in life is dull and you fail to see beauty and happiness in the things that used to make you happy.

Getting past the hump of when depression is the worst is the most challenging task I think I have ever done. You just have to keep truckin’ and not let the darkness take over. I have mentioned before what it’s like when the demons take over your conscious as well as your unconscious. It’s terrifying, and I won’t let it happen again. So, I’m fighting this uphill battle with trying to stay on top of my emotions.

jainismI attended a chakra and archetype class a few months ago where I started to learn more about the religion of “Jainism”. I started researching, as it sounded very similar to what I believe in, and it’s very in line with my deep morals and beliefs. I feel I have become less spiritual lately, and want to focus again on bettering myself and rising above all this negativity in the world. If you are interested in learning more about Jainism, it’s basically the principle and practice of nonviolence. They don’t believe in a single God, but they do believe in many Gods who have achieved enlightenment. I don’t have the mental capacity yet to say I want to achieve enlightenment. I mean, that sounds great, but I can’t grasp that concept in my real life. What I do really appreciate about this particular religion is the atmosphere and feeling that we should fill the world with love and peace and not even let our thoughts be negative towards another person or thing. To just love. Not that I’ve entirely forgotten about that, but I notice I’m not actively practicing it, and I am allowing the energy of outside influences affect my inner peace.

Some of the things that almost always interrupt my peace is what’s happening in the world. A big one right now is the political debate. Voting time is upon us, and the news, the internet, social medias, and everyone’s thoughts are a revolving door of new, negative, and heated things about each candidate. Personally, I feel politics are out of the scope of what I’m here for. I stay out of it, not because I plead ignorance, but because I feel there are bigger problems of the overall mindset of the country. Placing law after law, and solving the symptoms of a bigger problem will not resolve anything. Take for example a dog who pulls on the leash. Putting on a harness, a prong collar, or any other training tool will not solve the issue. What is the issue then if it’s not pulling? THAT is the right question, now isn’t it? It’s the mindset of the dog who thinks it’s ok to pull on the leash. Stop the mindset and it doesn’t matter what tool (if any) you have on the dog. It’s not about the tool, it’s about teaching the dog pulling isn’t an option anymore. All behavioral issues have solutions if you change the neurological pathways on how they reach a decision. Which means teaching the dog to think. Teach people to THINK instead of REACT to everything and you have a solution. Fix the bigger problem, not the symptoms.

jainism2Anyway, struggling with motivation to work today, and I just need to buck up and get ‘er done. I don’t have a lot of on my plate work-wise right now, which is nice, because it seems I can’t handle much more than what I have now. We are working on the dog house this weekend, and the project seems very daunting. I’m sure it won’ be that bad, but this is work I haven’t done before, and with very little mental energy, I’m hoping more than anything I won’t just get in the way. I’m going to have to be taught, which means it will take longer to get things done. And constant teaching and supervising is exhausting, so I kind of feel like I have to be a fast learner. And in my current state of mind, I’m hoping I can pull it together.

Practicing lots of calming breathing exercises today, and listening to my meditation mixes. Just doing the bare minimum so that everything that needs to get done, is done, and then taking time to uplift my spirit today. For every one task, it seems it’s taking me so very long to prepare. I have used schedules in the past for myself to keep myself on track so I don’t become unproductive. That helps if I actually care. It’s when I don’t care that it’s a task to even follow a pre determined schedule. So send me positive, happy vibes and maybe I’ll have enough in reserve to come up with some positive, happy thoughts for myself today. I am trying my best.

Life is Great!

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forestI love my place! That isn’t just referring to the house though! I love the property and the house, and I absolutely love the plans that are starting to form to make it really mine ours. But what I love more than all of that is where I am in my life. I found ME and what that means. Of course, I’ll always still be learning about myself, and how to improve and make life better and more balanced. But where I am, what’s happening, what plans are being made…I’m so happy with my life and where I’m going. And because I’m in that place, I’ve attracted the most amazing person I have ever met and get to share all that happiness and excitement with him. Little things every day remind me how far I’ve come, and where I want to go. I wanted to find someone who could handle my hectic lifestyle and keep up with me, but also slow down and just enjoy each other’s company when we have a few minutes. He’s a perfect match for me. He compliments my strengths and brings out the best in them. He also helps me with the things I struggle with and makes me want to be better. Every day, he silently reminds me I had to go through what I did to be where I am. I would never have been able to fully appreciate him and love him the way he deserves to be loved. I truly see him, and appreciate everything about him. Even doing yard work together is something I enjoy doing with him because we are building this life together. Life is good, and I see it getting even better.

Something I have struggled with since I started my company was the work-life balance. I’ve never actually had ‘balance’, but I never really felt I needed it…until now. I knew it would be tough, but I’m over the “new business struggle” and now I’m an established company who is growing, needs help, and I desperately want to have parts of my life back while still enjoying and loving what I do. I’m now working towards that ‘balance’ that I now realize I need to be happy. Not only do I need this for me, I need this to nurture all the other areas of my life. I devote a lot of time to one area, and another one is neglected. I want to give enough that all areas can grow and be ok. I want to LIVE now that I have sufficient means to do so.

robheatherRecently, there have been many events that have brought the sting of being ‘married to my business’ to the surface. It hurts. A lot. I want to go on vacation; I have to plan months in advance to go. I want to take a day off; sorry… no, you have a company to run. I’m sick; buck up, Chuck. I work anyway or nothing gets done. If I’m not here, I don’t get paid and business stops entirely. I want to take a break; sorry..no. You can’t because then I work until 10:00. I’m hoping with some new plans I have brewing, that will change within the next six months or so. Doesn’t stop the ‘now’ from reminding me there aren’t enough hours in the day for me to do everything I need/want to do. But I’m working on it. Patience. I’ll get there. Just keep truckin’.

Also realize I don’t have the ‘unwind’ time from leaving work and transitioning to home. Another battle of the ‘working from home’ mindset. Thinking after I lock up for the night, I need to find a transition activity. Most people’s activity is driving home from work, I need something else. Maybe that’s a good time to go running or biking. Huh..food for thought.

Anyway, haven’t written in a while, and needed to update. So, in short: Life is good. And it’s getting better.

 

What A Wonderful Life This Is

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Passionate.

Driven.

Deep.

Motivated.

Productive.

Those are all things that have described me as far back as I can remember. Those are all traits hat I used to build a solid foundation of who I am now.

Balanced.

Happy.

Strong.

Spiritual.

Self aware.

Humbled.

Those are traits I have also become through very tough experiences and I will continue to grow.

Peace.

Harmony.

Learning to be.

These are things I’m striving to continue learning and to be able to teach others. I am not perfect, nor do I have all the answers. But those are things I have started to realize I want in my life in the last few years. I have sorely been missing some balance and enjoying just the moment…until recently.

Mistakes.

Loathing.

Hurt.

Heartbreak.

Loss.

Defeat.

Failure.

A willingness to continue on.

Now, these are things that brought me to where I am.

Emotionally speaking, I crawled on my hands and knees in a bloody, fatigued mess, living off of nuts and berries in the wilderness… alone. However, I wasn’t physically alone. I had support, love, and the motivation of good people urging me to continue. This was a personal journey though, and though I had this support, I needed to do this ‘alone’. The actual event of me closing on my house needed to be done alone. This was a big decision because I was leaving so much behind when I walked out of those doors. Every day since then, I leave a little more behind and continue on with less worry, less stress, and a lot less baggage. I’m lighter and happier every day.

howtobeyourdogsbestfriendAt this very moment, I am sitting on an airplane, on my way to Albany, NY. I start the next step of my spiritual journey in Cambridge, at the Monks of New Skete monastery. They are teaching a seminar called ‘The Art of Living with Your Dog’. I was supposed to attend last summer, but I broke my foot and couldn’t go. So I’m going now, and it’s the perfect time. This is a big workshop, and I have been looking forward to this for a few years. I have butterflies thinking I’ll be sitting in front of the monks tomorrow, learning all they have to offer, in this very magical place. This is a big one, guys. This year is full of amazing things, and I’m drinking it all in. It’s been tough, and now I see how much it’s paid off. Not just the house part… but how much I have grown.

It has been a very, very long time since the last time I felt excited without feeling anxiety. None, despite the last minute emergencies that always seem to happen right when you leave town. No panic, no depression, no fear…and no mania. Just excitement and happiness.

I wake up happy, I’m happy all day, I love what I do, I’m in love with an amazing man who makes me want to be my best, and I go to bed happy. I love my life, who I have become, and I love this feeling of euphoria that I have. I feel like I am living life to the fullest, and I can make anything happen if I want it to. I want to feel like I accomplished something every day. Like I’m a better person than I was yesterday. I feel like I’m doing that. And I’m so happy. “Happy” feels like an understatement. Without sounding like I’m in a manic episode, I’m euphoric. And I can’t believe this is legal to feel this good. But I know I don’t want to feel any other way. I paid my dues, and I’m not feeling the slightest bit guilty about feeling this amazing. I want to say I’m lucky, but I don’t really believe in luck of the draw. I worked for this, I sacrified, I bled, I cried, and I lost. But these benefits… well worth it. I believe hard work pays off, and I deserve to feel this.

I can live in the now, make plans for tomorrow, and reminisce about what I learned yesterday. Today, sitting at the airport for a few hours would normally make me feel miserable. I’m not. I filled my time productively by responding to lots of voicemails, emails, text messages, set up my email accounts, scheduled more clients, and set up everything so when I get back, I am full until July. I’m busy, but not overwhelmed. The work-balance ratio is a constant struggle, but I want to work hard during the work hours, and then enjoy my time off and turn off and relax when I am off the clock.

I have house projects that I’m so looking forward to, I have work projects lined up, I have clients scheduled every day, dogs coming for training, and Rob and I make plans to do all kinds of fun things when we have the time off. Sometimes, that means just playing video games on rainy days. Other days, that means heading up to the mountains and hiking, mountain biking, or camping with our dogs. This is paradise to me. This is what I have wanted for a very long time. This is my idea of balance. This is my idea of ‘just being in the moment’. I’m not worried, I’m not stressing.

What a wonderful life this is. And it will keep getting better. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done. The whole last 2 years, not any one specific thing. And I feel like a warrior.

lovelife

More Than Just a House

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Is this real? Is it over? I feel like the battle is done. This war that has been going on for far too long; it’s done. I’ve won. I fought for a cause, and I didn’t give up. I lost so much, but I continued on. Because something inside me told me to keep fighting with everything I had. It told me to fight through the pain, and the loss, and the mistakes, and wade through all the shit because there was something better coming. I lost my way a few times, but never stopped. It doesn’t feel real yet.

I guess it all started when my ex-husband and I decided to get a divorce. That’s when the story of my change started. Once we decided, and I was done, something died inside me, but something was also born. When he had the movers come get the furniture he was taking with him just a few days before our 4 year anniversary, it was finally real. I remember standing in the middle of my living room while they were taking his things and I cried. Everything was moving so fast, yet I was frozen. I cried because I wasn’t only losing a marriage, I was losing my best friend. He would be gone, and I could never tell him my stories anymore. At least, not in the same way. It was a death. The death of a marriage. It wasn’t an easy thing. It was terrible to just say goodbye to a relationship of 7 years. I started my adult life with this man, and I chose to walk away.

Shortly after he left, I was packed up and ready to sell our house. Literally, pictures were scheduled the very next day, and I was having friends over to clean. My stuff was in storage, and I was ready to go. I had a friend who was willing to take me in while I got back on my feet. I was shattered and broken. She was buying a new house, and I was losing mine. She was expanding her business, and mine was going to move to a stand still. My life would be packed up in boxes, and hers would be blossoming in her brand new house. I was jealous, of course. But it was more about me watching my life crumble before me, and seeing her moving in to her new place just made it all the more real.

I found a different friend who was willing to help me out by moving in to the main floor and I would live in the basement. I would live in the guest room of my own house. But I would get to keep my house. I didn’t think it would work because of my business. But we worked it out, and they moved in. Things worked very well for a while. And I cared deeply about every one of them. I still do. I attach to people, and they helped me through a very trying time in my life.

cemetary During this whole time…I made a mistake. A big one. I attached to an inappropriate person and fucked up. Hard. I wasn’t in the right mind, I was hurting and I was vulnerable. I hurt someone incredibly close to me, and I can’t ever fix it. I cope with what I did; I reached out to people who didn’t want my heart, but everything else. I put my heart in a box, and used people to fill a void to make me feel like I was beautiful, needed, important. I did this in all the wrong ways. I was using people. And I didn’t care, nor did I know it at the time. And then I found someone who caught me. I didn’t realize at the time, but I was caught in a brand new web of fucked-uppery. It wasn’t like that the whole time…or so I thought. Information came to light later where I realized there was a lot more going on than I originally thought. I was used and manipulated in the worst way.

I gave my heart to him. I gave him the whole damn thing. Every piece of who I was, I gave it away eventually. I wasn’t me anymore, I was a lost, broken soul, but I didn’t know it until much later. I unhealthily attached and became a co-dependent. Never thought in a million years I would be that person, but I was so lost, and I was enabled to continue being that way. Then, I broke my foot. Any bit of independence I had was gone, and I relied even more on him. I was literally useless and totally at his mercy. I was miserable, but trying not to be. I was fighting so hard to stay positive, even though I felt like a worthless sack of shit all the time. I was in pain, my mental stability was one of insecurity and dark thoughts. But I fought it with whatever inner strength I had.

Eventually, the relationship fell apart when I started to get back on my feet (no pun intended, but go ahead and take it that way). I was devastated and had no idea why it happened. I could get into details, but it doesn’t matter. What matters was that my soul was destroyed. I was betrayed in nearly every way. I needed a fresh start; I had too much baggage. So I decided to sell my house as quickly as possible and start over. I started fixing it up. I was insane manic for weeks… no, months and I used it to do house projects. I learned so many new skills, I faced so many of my fears, I met new friends, I started getting out and doing things for myself again. I felt empowered and felt like myself again.

It was about this time I decided I would never let another person take my independence. I will never lose myself like that again. I want to share my life, BUILD a life with someone, but never will I give away my pieces again. I want to build the puzzle together with both our pieces. And I never want to waste my time on something that is fake again. I want real and I want to build that god damn puzzle, even if that means we’re missing pieces sometimes, and we have to use glue, gum, and duct tape. I would rather have that than a fake fairytale. Anything else isn’t worth it. This was a milestone for me in my ‘recovery’.

I sold my house. I found a temporary place to go. I thought it was safe for my business and myself. I was sorely mistaken. It was alright for a while. Until it wasn’t, then it was a nightmare. The house I was going to put an offer on fell through. My temporary place was now looking like I needed to stay there longer. I kept looking at houses, and more and more properties were falling through for one reason or another. I had been looking for months, but nothing was going right for me. City laws, building codes, permits, the property was already sold, problems with legalities, ‘gentlemen agreements’ gone bad… One thing after another was falling through, but I managed to keep a smile on my face for the most part and kept on truckin’.

I had to move out due to a variety of complicated, stupid reasons. I have a client who has become a friend, who offered me some help. She thought it sounded so silly, but said I could live on her property until I figured something out. I graciously accepted. It was a loft in the tack room on her horse property. She has a beautiful house and a lovely little ranch with a chicken, cats, dogs, horses, and a really cool deer skull. I accepted and cried later. I was almost going to be living out of my truck for a few weeks, and she provided me a much better option. Though I have been homeless, it’s more a mental state of mind than physicality. They are a wonderful family and each and every one of them has a beautiful soul radiating with love and warm, inviting vibes. This was just where I needed to be at the moment. I hope I can help them as much as they helped me once I am able to.

I found a place and was under contract. I thought this was it…Until it fell through days before closing. I was crushed, yet prepared because I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it did, so I started looking for houses again. Found another one, and was under contract with the new one THAT NIGHT. Negotiations, buyer’s agreements, paperwork where you sell your soul and your first born child, inspections, appraisals… you know the drill. It all finally went through. And we are set to close on Monday of next week. It’s not real until I sign those papers, but I feel like this time… it’s different. This time, this isn’t a dream. In my mind, I feel like the house is already mine, and I’m talking about the yard, and my plans, and I’m telling people. I have asked for help moving, and on all the other ones, I didn’t feel like making any set in stone plans for people to help. I do on this one. This one feels like me. This one feels like it’s the one. Though, I’m still cautious and careful because I have been so burned in the past.

So, here I am. Days before closing, and I’m being as still and silent as I can, to not interrupt the universe at work here. I don’t want to scare the very fickle ‘deer of a deal’ I have going on here. I’m making sure all my ducks are in a row. I’m doing everything right and by the books, so this can go through. I have worked so hard, and here I am. Final days.

homeThis is more than a house.

This is a new beginning.

This is a new start.

This means I am free of the baggage I have been carrying around.

I can let go, I can move on, and I can build again.

This is so much more than just a house.

Walks of Life

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As I sit here, bundled up for warmth in all my heavy clothes and blankets in the loft of my friend’s tack room, I caught myself thinking about the paths of life. How do we all end up where we do? What choices, traumas, and sacrifices did we have to go through to get where we are? And why do some people seem to never ‘grow up’?

I’ve been contemplating this since yesterday, and it seems it’s because of what they have had to go through and what they learned in those experiences. It doesn’t always mean that person is going to come out the other side with good morals, understanding, love and patience. Sometimes it means they will come out hardened and unwilling to ever let anyone in again for fear of getting hurt. It’s an effective defense mechanism, can’t argue that as I have also been in those situations and chosen that path at one point or another. Sometimes, the experience they went through is incredibly strong to them, but not to others. What others’ think of them starts to weigh, and then they think they are being ridiculous and their self esteem drops because no one understands. Something so small can trigger a change and start to form a behavioral pattern of choices. This is how the individual starts to cope with stress, trauma, anxiety, things they don’t understand, and others’ emotions. Instead of being sympathetic, they may be condescending, or avoid it altogether. All this does is cause more and more damage. The root of the problem is never being addressed, and it will continue to build up until a change is made. History has a tendency to repeat itself until we learn how to change it. I’m always trying to change mine.

chakraSo, circling back around to my current situation. I have been a ‘gypsy’ for most of the year, and have been relying on friends’, family, and calling in every favor possible for the last few months. I have been scammed, hurt, defeated, stolen from, emotionally abused, lied to, conned, broken, and totally let down at every corner. So, what is my pattern? When did this start? How can I change my path? The common denominator is me. Not what others have done to me. Why do I attract this type of attention? I want to be in a stable environment, I want to calm down my life, and I want to get back to business as usual, and above all, I want to attract more positive, happy energy. For now, I’m being emotionally still. I don’t have many clients this week, nor dogs coming to me for daycare, boarding or training, so I’m taking the time to be still and observe and listen to what the universe is trying to tell me. What lesson am I meant to learn here?

It’s been on my mind lately for a variety of different reasons, but I think this is what I need to work on in order to achieve the happiness/positivity goal I really want in my life. Calming down my energy instead of letting it boil over and affect everyone else seems so daunting because I don’t know how yet. I’m just learning how to contain and balance all my chakras, which is very hard when I’m in the thick of it. So, I’m relying on my healer friends to help direct me to balance and teach me how to protect myself from others’ energies, but also how to help others and their own if I can. I don’t do energy healing work, but I’m a huge believer in the fact they do exist, and you can pick up toxic energy from anywhere. With the type of personality I have, I do pick up everyone else’s, especially the people close to me. I take it all, and I don’t know how to release it. This is my responsibility to learn how to do this to protect myself. I’m learning about shielding and which of my chakras get out of balance most regularly. When I found out, it didn’t surprise me. I was beaten down, hurt, and my baggage was too heavy. Since I don’t know how to remove the weight, it affects my psyche. I want to learn to clear this.

I have been conditioned to not trust, to be guarded, to expect disaster at some point (waiting for the other shoe to drop type attitude), and to focus on other peoples’ problems besides my own because it doesn’t hurt as much. I expect to get hurt at some point. Not just talking about relationships, but actual experiences. I take it all until I can’t anymore, and then I break down and collapse. I get back up, and I do it all over again. Which makes me strong because I don’t give up. I don’t know how, literally. I have to keep going, and I have to keep moving forward in all things. My experiences have taught me to keep going, but instead of at breakneck speed and looking before I leap, I’m cautious and more guarded and flighty than I’m used to. I take a step closer, and timidly take a step back for fear of losing it. Every time, I get a little closer, but in my experiences, every time, it’s ripped from me. So, I’m going in with an emotional arsenal. The Heather Militia, my boyfriend so lovingly named it, hehe. I could, again, lose this. So, if I do, I’m not doing anything without a fight. So, I’m emotionally preparing for war, I guess. And to me, that means the calm before the storm.

The Wall

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Hangry. Raw. Emotional failing. I’m running into wall after wall. I wanted to believe I’m going in the right direction, but now I feel as if I’m just going in some random direction, and not going anywhere. I’m wandering aimlessly. It feels like I have literally lost which way I’m going, and I’m pissed because I realize I have no idea which direction is up. I’m lost and frustrated and just want to go “home”.

I feel like I’m failing because I should be stronger. I should be keeping it together, instead of being a needy bitch baby who’s calling in every favor in the world to all who I care about. If I was stronger, I could do this. I’m falling apart. I’m lying on the floor of this studio wondering how this happened and the tears won’t stop. My heart won’t stop racing, and I have no idea what to do or how I got here, and why have I not learned whatever lesson I’m meant to learn. I’m juggling too much and my emotional muscles are giving out. I’m fatigued. Am I meant to give up? Am I meant to keep fighting through this? I don’t know what to do.

My body hurts, my brain hurts, and I want to shut down. I want to slow down, I want to stop. But I can’t, and I’m literally hitting that wall. The wall where your body just can’t take anymore. In training, I’ve been here so many times. And now I’m here emotionally. Again. I always get up, and the feeling is temporary, I know. “Don’t make a permanent decision because of a temporary problem.” Yeah. I know. But that doesn’t stop me from thinking about it.

I’m tired and I’m done. And the monster inside me is screaming to get out. This is when I don’t have the energy or mental strength to stop it anymore. So I’m letting it happen. I’m not stronger than my demon today. I’m overwhelmed and I feel beaten. So go for it, you demon. Do your worst, I’m wide open.

“Enjoy the journey” they said…

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strength“Enjoy the journey” they said… “It’ll be fun” they said. Well, I say “Are we there yet?!” It’s like I’ve taken a cross country trip across Uganda… with a brand new pair of roller skates because that’s my style. This journey I’m on doesn’t just have speed bumps, I’m off roading with my roller skates. And I’ve fallen and gotten bloodied up, but I always seem to get back up quickly and keep going. I’ll never fall on that same bump again, though.

I can’t give up. I can’t stop. But I am trying to let go of the things I can’t control. Things have a way of working out when they need to, and as much as I can’t wait for all this to be over, I feel like I’m supposed to be going through this. To teach me something. And boy, have I learned.

I’ve learned about myself and what I want in my life. Who I want to be, how I want to treat others, and what is important in my life. I’ve learned to live lightly and enjoy the living, not the stuff or the money. I’ve learned to appreciate people and their hardships a lot more. I’ve learned to listen, not wait to react to what they are saying. I’ve come a long way, but I’ve also learned how unbalanced I am. I mean my energies and some emotional things I haven’t quite gotten over. There’s some unfinished business I need to address to be able to fully move on and be truly happy with myself. I’m not sure where it happened or where I picked it up, but I need to address it so I can be balanced and happy again. It feels like I can’t really work on this until I have a ‘home’. So I’m sitting on it until I can work through it. I need to learn to set down some of this baggage and walk away. It’s starting to get awfully heavy.

Something else I’m starting to learn is what ‘taking the time…every time’ means. Not only in dog training, but in life. I’m trying to not miss the little moments. However, I’m also learning when I need time for me to decompress and NOT take the time for that ‘opportunity’, but to take the time for me. It’s not about vacations or time off, it’s about the little moments every day where you take time for yourself and appreciate who you are. I’m proud of myself and for who I am. I have made mistakes, and I have learned so much from them. I’m happy. Even though my life has been chaotic for the last several years, it seems… I’m still happy. I’m happy because of who I am and where I’m going.

upsidedownWhen I talk to people who have gone through similar journeys, it shows in their eyes. You feel the energy change to a deep, loving, understanding vibe. And they listen to you. There isn’t much they can do to help you with this internal battle, but they get it. And you have their support. That feeling makes me feel like I’m not doing this alone. This is my fight, but having that support gives me the strength to keep fighting and becoming a stronger person. I feel like he’ll let me do my thing, and if I fall, he’ll catch me and then tell me to get back up and do it again until I succeed. I need that. I need him. (There, I said it.. in a blog.. that counts, right?)

 

Chocolate or Vanilla?

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Every decision we make has a risk and a reward based on external factors of time constraints, gains and losses, and what effect of our decision has on the environment and/or people in our lives. We weigh the consequences and benefits and we make a decision. At least… that’s how I make decisions. It gets tricky when there are multiple decisions that effect large sections of the future. No matter what it is. Complex or simple. I like to simplify.

Ice-CreamSo, chocolate or vanilla? This could be a difficult decision because you like both or neither one. But ultimately, it doesn’t affect anything in the future other than calorie intake, taste, and possibly consistency. It’s the most simple decision. Life decisions can be vanilla or chocolate. Could you have both? ½ and ½, or double it up? Maybe pass altogether. What kind of toppings? What if you mix in a little fudge or hazelnut? Candy toppings or fruit? Shit, son! It’s gettin’ real! You start adding other things to this very ‘vanilla’ decision (hehe, excuse the pun) and it starts to get messy. Life is, isn’t it? Messy, I mean.

Comparing bigger decisions like buying a house can be a chocolate or vanilla choice too. Can you have both? ½ of one and ½ of the other? Umm, ok, so it’s a little different. I make a pro/con list. Cost, location, land, appliances, updates, expansions, seller expectations/negotiations, closing dates, etc. You have to decide which is better. If you choose one, you lose the other. If you happen to choose the wrong one, you can lose it and then end up with nothing. It’s now a chocolate/vanilla gamble. It just turned into a very emotional game, not a simplistic delicious decision.

Yeah, my brain is jumping around today, so some of this may seem jumbled, but I’m working on a chocolate/vanilla decision while also playing Tetris to fit in all the pieces of my life’s jigsaw puzzle… all the while playing Battlefield 4 and trying to avoid the onslaught of the bad guys trying to snipe me… or in some cases hit me with a fucking rocket launcher. I’m working through shit guys, bear with me. I’m ‘thinking on paper’… get it? Thinking out loud.. thinking on paper? Heheheheheh, ok.. moving on.

I’m not giving up, just problem solving. I’m exhausted. My brain won’t turn off, and my bipolar is all over the map. The world isn’t out to get me, but it is yelling at me.

I made a chocolate/vanilla choice. I made a decision. I have to stick by it. It could be the wrong one. But I made a choice. I didn’t know what to do, and I laid out all my options, listened to my instinct, and I decided based on the information I had in front of me. I said no to one, and yes to another, and now I wait.

I’m not good at sitting on something without making a decision. I do take my time sometimes on some decisions, but usually, I know what I want right away. And I jump on it. I want something, I’ll make it mine. This time, I know what I want… I don’t know how to get there. I’m stuck. Why? I don’t get stuck. I don’t hesitate. I’m hesitating on one thing, and then I doubt myself and then I’m questioning EVERYTHING. My brain is working in circles, with the same questions, the same hesitations, the same problems. And I don’t have a solution, which is driving me insane. I don’t have a plan. I’ve been ‘winging it’ for a few years. Which I guess is polar opposite of what I used to do. I wouldn’t do anything without planning every single second. I had to have that control. I guess I’ve gotten used to winging it. Now I’m stuck in the waiting part. Was it chocolate or vanilla?