I refuse to give up. I think it will literally kill me. I go a long time staying strong, but there comes a point when I just get too tired. I’m burned out. I feel I’m doing everything and hitting wall after wall. I’m still sitting here, trying to keep it together. But at what point do you throw in the towel and say it’s not worth it? When I’m dead.

I don’t know how to give up. I don’t know how to turn off. Life is hard, and this is what makes us men…or whatever. This is what separates the strong from the weak. And I’m continuing to fight until I am dead because I don’t know another way. I’ll keep swinging because I can’t make myself stop. If I give up, I’m beaten. I won’t be defeated. I don’t know how to lose.

It’s just not in me. I have to follow through. I don’t just leave things unfinished. This chapter isn’t finished, and as hard as it is, tomorrow is a new day. Right now, I can feel this awful feeling of not knowing what’s going to happen, and feel like I’m failing. Worry, stress, and defeat. But is it just because of my situation or an event that happened today? I feel it’s the repeating pattern over and over again of loss. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Am I doing that, or should I just hang in there? I’m not making any decisions while I’m sitting her in this mood, that’s for sure.

I’m not giving up. But I’m going to bed. Tomorrow I have another shot. Tomorrow, I start over. Sleep is the world’s reset button. Turning it on and off can sometimes fix the problem, right? Another dog training term is ‘Trust the process’. It doesn’t happen overnight, and there are times when the fight gets worse before the dog reaches acceptance. Is that what this is? I want to believe it is. Goodnight, World.