Blindsided with news that hits you like you’ve been punched in the gut. It makes you feel like you were set up. Betrayed, even though this was long before you were in the picture. It’s nonsensical, but logic doesn’t have a place in emotions. Emotions don’t always make logical sense.
Just because it was in the past doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting. Old news from the past brought up in the present, is the present to the people who weren’t there. It’s new news, and a fresh trauma. That’s was life is… trauma after trauma. We just get better at dealing with it.
Avoiding the issue and burying it doesn’t fix anything. Just leaves a giant mess to deal with later. Typically, when left alone, these things have a tendency to get bigger. Rip it open. Talk about it. Listen and be compassionate towards each other. Accept there are differences, changes, pasts, and mistakes. But that’s easier said than done. Emotions get in the way.
You visualize it because you are a creative, emotionally intelligent person. You play it out in your head like you are watching a movie. You see it all happening in front of you like it’s real, playing over and over. Like it’s right now, and you are just watching on the sidelines. There’s nothing you can do but just “watch”. It’s so real, you can almost hear it. You feel dizzy and feel your heart in your throat. But if you make the smallest sound, the floodgates of emotion will consume you.
So you say nothing, sit in silence. You want to throw up. The blow in the gut makes you nauseous. Wait until the threatening choking feeling resides. You try to remind yourself this was in the past. Try to talk yourself down and hide the hurt because it doesn’t make sense. You can’t. You can’t because emotions aren’t logical. So you lash out. You question everything. You doubt because you’re hurt. You ask questions you never thought of before. Emotions are threatening to cause as much damage as possible. So you swallow it to avoid making it worse. You just hurt more.
Vulnerability can make people mean. Make them angry and defensive. So, eventually someone gets angry and lashes out. The other gets defensive. There’s a big fight. There are tears, and there are wounds getting deeper and deeper. The more lashes, the more yelling, the more damage is done. But underneath everything is just hurt. Hurt drives all the symptomatic feelings and causes the problems.
You have to get out. Fight or flight. Fighting made it worse, so you leave. You leave to cry and mope and scream and feel the hurt. You’ve learned to sit with your anger, your sadness, your hurt. You’ve learned to feel it, because only then, you can process it.
It’s getting closer to my close date. And more hours on the phone with realtors, , the bank, and lenders, different cities to learn about their city ordinances. Then, in my spare time between that and working dogs and calling clients back, I’m packing and moving my things into storage. I’m looking at the silver lining in everything, and I’m really focusing on the positive things. I have a place to live temporarily until I can figure out my next steps. I’m allowed to have all my dogs, and run my company. That’s a huge relief. I’ll feel better once my current house is closed too.
I’m handling all the emotions of leaving the place I called ‘home’ for so long. It doesn’t feel like home anymore. It hasn’t for quite some time. For months, really. It’s like it’s a placeholder until things settle back down again. I don’t know.. maybe it’s a feeling I made up. But I realized that the other day. This isn’t mine anymore, and it’s not a new feeling. But silver linings, right? I’m doing this by myself. It’s incredibly scary and overwhelming, but I’m doing it, and I’m ok.
thing. It’s all or nothing. It’s not like we could go back to dating. And I normally don’t write about these things in my blog, but this is huge, and I’m gushing to finally write about it. I never really moved on from before, and secretly kept hoping he would come back. I tried to let go and move on, but it was like my life was on pause, just waiting. It feels a little like I can push play now. There’s struggles of course, and there will be an uphill climb for a while. But love is powerful and can conquer all. My love for this man has been unconditional since the beginning. Will I get hurt again? Of course. But I knew that going into it, and I’m totally prepared. I’ll get mad and hurt and sad sometimes, but how happy I am the majority of the time always trumps that. Especially because I know he loves me just as much as I love him. We are growing together. I’ll hurt him too, that’s what happens in a relationship. It’s never intentional, but we are two different people with different needs. I’m not afraid of getting hurt. I’m afraid of being abandoned. I’ve been open in my communication and in my fears. I’m still scared, but he is so incredibly worth it, so I’ve added him into my plans this year. We talk about running the Ironman together. It’s really pushing and motivating me to be better. To train like I need to, and keeping me on track.
I’m so proud of him. He’s really putting in the effort, and I see the improvements and how hard he is trying. Not just trying… doing. There will be obstacles and challenges every day. He’s being honest, and we are discussing everything, I’m being understanding and ‘soft’ (I’m trying really hard too, this isn’t my strongest suit!) when he has to tell me something that will hurt me. Every time I see him I’m reminded of every reason why I fell in love with him. I have a notebook I wrote in, and filled up pages and pages of things I love about him. Loving unconditionally is such a great feeling! Being appreciated and loved in return is worth everything. It’s worth fighting for, and it’s worth pushing through the hard stuff and enduring a little pain so we can enjoy the benefits of the love and companionship that this has to bring. We have agreed neither of us is running. We are sticking it out and really making the commitment to see things through, even through the really hard parts.
I got news my divorce was final. I was already overwhelmed, depressed, stressed, and anxious. And then I got that email. It floored me. So many complicated emotions. I couldn’t handle it. I called my mom, and had a panic attack on the phone. I grabbed my dog and she stayed on the phone with me the whole time while I thrashed around and screamed and cried and held 
End of My Leash 