Training Doubts


Picture of the blonde after I’m all ‘done up’.

Feeling actually pretty good today. Excited for a super awesome break coming up this weekend. I’ll tell you all about it next week. It is the hubby’s birthday on Friday, and I got him something cool. I also realized it is our ‘dating anniversary’ tomorrow. We went on our first ever date tomorrow, 6 years ago.

Our date was incredibly awesome. We went bowling really late at night, and then went to Denny’s afterwards. He invited me to his 21st birthday party, which I politely declined, as I wasn’t into the drinking scene… then. Anyway, we had a wonderful time, with lots of random jokes, and awkward feelings. I didn’t know it was a date, I thought we were just hanging out as friends. He didn’t feel that way, apparently. Haha, aw man – those were the days. J


Good picture of the way it looks after I shaved the sides and back. 🙂

On another note, I shaved the back and sides of my head (not all the way down, but it’s cute!) and also dyed it platinum blonde.  Spontaneity – go go! I LOVE IT!!


Today was another ‘I can take on the world and then regret it later’ day. Keep thinking about how I might be bipolar. Is this something bipolar folks do? Think they can do everything, and then … crash? I don’t know a lot about it yet, but I do know I just want answers.

I also registered for my therapy-team handler’s course today. Napoleon and I are registered and I will take the non-dog section on the 11th of May. I’m excited, but nervous that Napoleon might fail. He has a thing about food. Very motivated, and I lose all his attention if I’m not the one holding the food.

We registered for an obedience course with another trainer, and I think that will help. She is an awesome trainer, and I can learn a lot from her. I really like this trainer. She is honest and up front, but respectful of your feelings and what you have been taught previously. She knows I am a new trainer, and has been where I am now. She knows the daily struggles I face [with training] and wants me to succeed. I recommend her a lot in my area for aggression and cases that are too advanced for me right now.

photo (1)I still have a lot to learn, and I know that. I’m a newbie trainer, but I do know a lot about different aspects of canine behavior, training, and leadership training. I want to advance what I know, and help in more ways than what I am doing now. I also registered for another course with a different training facility about working with difficult dogs. I wanted to go last year, but I couldn’t afford it, and I didn’t have the time off to put towards it. I have to use 3 days of my PTO to do this course, so it will take me 3 months to get back this time. I needed this time to do my certification program in July, and it looks like it will be post-poned until October-November. That’s ok, I have an opportunity to take this course now, and I don’t know if I will later. So, I’m doing it!

I know I’m not a bad trainer, because I have a lot of happy clients, who keep coming back. Referrals, and people who write testimonials for me. But I can do better. I can learn more, I can work with Napoleon more, and I can keep training. I won’t give up. No matter if people say things that hurt my feelings, I have my clients who appreciate what I do. That gives me hope in believing that I am doing something right. I can’t be failing that bad if I have people who say I’m great… right? Or are they just saying that to be nice? I hope not.. I want honest feedback, and I want to honestly help people with their dogs. I look back at where I was a year ago… and I smile. I have come so far, and I know so much more!

I keep looking forward. Where will I be a year from now? Will I double my knowledge? Will I work with difficult dogs, or aggression? Not that I’m excited to work with dogs like that, but at the same time – I want to handle anything a canine can throw at me. I want to know everything.

Ah, see? Here I go – taking on the world again.. *sigh*… I’m taking my therapy course, my obedience course, the difficult dog workshop, and I also signed up for a Canine Theriology course… May is going to be one busy month.  Too late to back down now…

Took this while I was at the salon.

Took this while I was at the salon.

Mushroom Soup

As I knew it would, I crashed. Got up, feeling off, feed my animals, and went to work. Got to work, and realized the massive project I had left yesterday… was still there. Been working on it for about 5 hours, and it’s just now starting to clear up. Due to a problem within our software, a project I had been working on for a week or so has crashed, leaving a huge mess of clean-up for me. Basically, it’s a lot of unnecessary, tedious work that shouldn’t have happened.

That sort of set me off this morning. But I was determined to not hit the wall. So, I plugged in my headphones and rocked out to the same song over and over again. It helped. Then I get a call from my husband, asking if we could go out for dinner with some friends tonight. Some friends who are only in town for a few more days.

I didn’t have any trainings tonight, and he knew that, so he called to see if I would like to go. This would normally be something very nice that I would enjoy. Well, being a little on the low end today, and then being OCD, I realized my plans would change tonight.


I wouldn’t be able to go grocery shopping this evening, which means I’m not able to make mushroom soup. I was looking forward to making mushroom soup, because we have a lot of mushrooms I need to use before the end of the week, or they will go bad. This also means that since we are going out to dinner, we are going to spend money. Which causes anxiety… this is where the tears started to well up and I started to shut down.

mushroom soupI kept thinking, because that’s what I do. I then realized that I would be getting home late this evening, and I’m already having a not-so-good day. AND I don’t get mushroom soup.

Oh SHIT! Napoleon! He is crated at home right now, and he needs to be let out before we go out tonight. Which means I have to go home first (which is 20 minutes out of the way), let him out for potty time, feed the animals, and then crate him and leave again. This almost had me in hysterics because this means he’s going to be in his crate all day, and then again while we are out at dinner. He would also not be getting exercise today, which is unfair to him. UGH! I hate when this happens.

So now, all these things are swimming in my head, and I can’t even think! My brain just shut down. My dearest husband doesn’t understand, and he’s trying to talk me down. Finally, I’m breathing. Just breathing. That’s a good thing. I stop breathing when this happens.

Ok, back to reality. SHIT! SHIT SHIT! I have someone coming tonight to pick up something she bought from me. Now I have to call and cancel or reschedule with her. I HATE RESCHEDULING!! I feel like I’m a flake and I just cancel or reschedule on everyone. And, on top of that, I can’t the rest of the week because I have dog trainings… and I can’t during the day, obviously, since I work… oh, it’s starting again… I can’t breathe.



I have calmed down now…though it took several hours. I’m getting ready to leave to go out to dinner. It’ll be fine. Napoleon will be fine. My mushrooms will be fine. My husband has offered to go to the grocery store tomorrow while I’m doing training, so I can come home and make mushroom soup. He also offered to go out on a walk with me later this evening with Napoleon (if it’s not too cold), otherwise, we’ll play hide ‘n seek with him when we get back. This is a big deal since he doesn’t like taking care of our animals.

… *breathe*… Just try to breathe. I feel a panic attack coming. I’m trying so hard to keep it together. WHY?? I just want to sit in a dark corner and cry…and eat my mushroom soup.

Waiting for the Crash

drinksOver the weekend, I had a great night with some friends. We decided to go to a gay bar for a night of friends, drinking, and dancing. I don’t bar hop often, mostly because I don’t have many friends to bar hop with. If I did, I would go more. I like gay bars, especially, as I can be myself without feeling judged. It’s a nice feeling that I don’t have often.

Anyway, I met some fun new people, and made a new friend. We danced, we laughed, and I was happy. Partly because I was piss-ass drunk, but that’s beside the point! My friend, who I have known for about 4 years, is moving. So, we went out to celebrate our friendship, and hang out for one last time before they leave at the end of the week. We have an interesting relationship because we both suffer from depression, and we are both bisexual. Wow, first time I have ‘said’ that out loud. (Whoo, coming out time..and it’s about time!).

I have known about my sexuality for about.. oh… 10 years or so. And while I don’t hide it, I don’t announce it either. It’s really none of other people’s business what I do intimately. Either way, I’m coming out now because it’s part of my therapeutic road. My friend, on the other hand, is married, has a couple of kids, and she is just now finding out that she is bisexual. Now, she’s wondering how it would feel to be with a woman. Her husband doesn’t understand what it means to be bisexual, so he is telling her to hook up with a girl. With time, I’m hoping he will start to understand. It’s a hard road, especially when you are in a committed relationship. It’s hard because being bisexual, you will only ever be satisfied on ‘one side’, no matter which way you choose. That’s a different blog altogether, and not relevant to this one.

The more I get ‘in tune’ with opening up about myself, the more comfortable I become. Yes, I will lose friends along the way – it seems to always happen. But the way I live my life is up to me. And I have many views that are ‘against the grain’ when it comes to sexuality, religion, politics, and generally everything. I love tattoos, piercings, and I love when people express themselves. Sometimes, you have to make the hard decisions and buck up and do it, to find out who you are.

Anyway, back to my story… we danced, had a blast, and when the bar closed at 2am, we didn’t want the night to end, so we out to eat down the street. We chatted more, sobered up a bit, and then made our way home. By the time I got home, it was close to 5am, and with songs still ringing in my head, I tell my husband what a wonderful night I had! Now, most husbands might not want their wife going to a bar, a gay bar no less, and then coming home when she pleases… at 5 am. Well, my husband doesn’t fall into that category, and truly wants me to do what I want! Which is just how we roll.

Now, today, I received a package in the mail with my membership certification from the IACP (, and I’m so happy!! Yay, I was accepted, and it’s one more step for me to becoming a fully fledged, professional dog trainer! *Filled with happiness again!*IACP

As many of you also suffer from depression, it’s scary to get too happy. Because as soon as you feel good about something, one little itty bitty thing can ruin the whole happy place you have built up for yourself. Came home, watched a movie with the hubby, and then started blogging.

I hate the feeling of anticipation. I hate feeling like a crash is about to start. I’m starting to get the uneasy feeling again. What’s worse, is that when I start to feel like this, it seems I’m the one who ruins it. Because all my negative feelings, I make it happen. Just like with dog training, a dog can sense your feelings. If you are anxious, he has reason to be anxious. When these feelings start, it’s best for me to just focus on something that it’s mindless and try to get through the day. That’s how I handle things. One day at a time.