Opening Up

I met someone.

Remember the “best date” guy? Yeah, same dude. I don’t really want to see anyone else anymore. I really love spending all my free time with him. Even though I won’t openly call him my ‘boyfriend’. Which my roommates tease me about. Ok, here’s me admitting it…He might be slowly stealing my heart. Is that ok? Do I let him? Am I ‘allowed’ to? Remember that one time I said I didn’t want a relationship? Ugh, I’m so guarded. I think I’m scared. I’m scared of more hurt. I’m scared about my stupid mental illness fucking things up. Or being too guarded or damaged. Or the fact I was married/still married might be a problem. Ugh, I’m such a girl.

Well, I know what I want. But that doesn’t mean I’m not nervous. Still kind of hesitant about committing, but at the same time, I’ve been fighting this. Been telling myself I’m not ready. I don’t know if I am or not, but I know I don’t just want to string other people along for the principle of it. It feels like I have to give myself permission to love again. Like I wasn’t allowed to actually feel. Like, it’s wrong. But it shouldn’t be. I have to learn to let go. Learn to move on. Learn to love again. Part of the healing maybe? I don’t know. I still don’t know what I’m doing, but what I do know is I love how I feel when I’m with him. It’s easy…comfortable. I don’t have to hide who I am. So, I’m riding it. I’m letting it happen. And I’m going to see where it goes.

And I’m ok with that. I’m going to open up.


Great First Date

Alright, been trying out the dating thing for a minute. By far, best first date I have ever had. Fuck that, BEST DATE I have ever had. An actual date, where the guy takes out the girl, they eat and then get to know each other and have a good time. Yeah, haven’t had many of those. At least not in the terms of ‘dating’. After I’ve been seeing someone, of course we do things together, but this was amazing. For me, it’s all about connecting with someone, and not being afraid to show them who you are. I was 100% myself last night. And it felt like this guy got me.

We met up at the restaurant to eat dinner. Now, keep in mind, this is all on Tinder and text messages so far. I actually haven’t met this dude yet. So, I only have an inkling of what he looks like.

Getting off topic for a very important reason. (I promise!) When I’m swiping right (means you like the person), I have some criteria.

1-Yeah, I’m shallow. I need to find them attractive.
2-Shirtless pics of guys or bikini pics of girls.. No. You’re trying too hard. I’m not THAT shallow.
3-No description.. no swipey swipey. Your pics do not say all I want to know about you. Sorry.
4-Duck faces kill it for me.
5-Pictures with kids. Since I don’t want to somehow inherit a family, I’m out. Even if they aren’t your kids. Also, why are you posting pictures of kids on a dating site? Can you say pedophile alert?
6-I don’t need someone who spends their life in the gym. Your hobbies are: running, cycling, hiking, and going to the gym. Hmm, do you ever eat ice cream?
7-They need to like ice cream.
8-I don’t need a puppy. I need a partner. Or at least someone to have fun with who doesn’t ‘need’ me all the time. I don’t do the needy thing. Sorry.

Ok, that’s enough of my criteria. ANYWAY, back on track here. So, I don’t know REALLY what he looks like. We had been texting for a couple weeks, and he made me laugh. I smiled when I saw I got a text from him. He asked me out for din-din. He sent me a few pictures, so I had an idea of what he looks like. (Me likey)

I go inside, he’s waiting already, since he got off work a tad early. Tall, curly hair, and he had a cute smile. We sit down and get some beers and order our food. We stayed and talked and laughed until we realized the restaurant was going to close. Kind of didn’t want the night to end, so I suggested we go up to a club that was pretty close.

We drive over there. It’s packed. What? That never happens. Ummm… Oh, right. It’s a couple days before Halloween! Ok, Halloween RAGER! Awkward for a first date, but whatever, right? It was a banquet party for a child who had a heart condition. So, we go in, maneuver past everyone to get some booze, and then sit down and attempt to have a conversation. That’s not really happening-way too loud. So, we decide to dance.

I’m not shy. I dance, I sing, I’m having a good time. Oh shit, he’s having a good time too? Awesome. Both of us were dancing like we had no shame. Nah, we didn’t. We were dancing, and drinking, and singing, and checking out everyone’s costumes. We were already so comfortable with each other, and being dorks. My favorite. 😉

I won’t share all the delicious details… but there was kissing. And it was magical… *ahem anyway* All I will say was I liked it. 😉 My stomach was doing flip flops, and I didn’t want the night to end. However, it had to at some point. So, eventually, we called it and left the club. We said goodnight, and I knew I wanted to see him again. It was maybe 1:30 in the morning, and we both needed to work the next morning. Didn’t matter, it was an amazing night.

The next day, he asks me what I’m doing the day after. “Oh whoops, was I supposed to wait a day before asking you on another date? I don’t play by the rules.”

The Dating Game

I have been urged to date. To ‘get out into the game’. To ‘get back up on that horse’… so to speak. So, I’m dating. I have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t know what I’m looking for, but what I do know is that it’s fun most of the time. I enjoy meeting people. Seems I have to be extra clear on what I want though. What do I want? Do I want anything? Do I just want a quick fuck? A relationship? I think I’m scared of actual commitment. I don’t need that right now I don’t think. I just want to have fun.

Yeah, that’s what I want. I want to have fun. “Where do you see this going with us?” is kind of a deal breaker for me, I think. Don’t plan anything. Just go with it. Shit, just relax. Enjoy the moment. Who cares where this is going?

I’m trying out this Tinder thing. So far, I’ve had a couple fun dates, and some really bad ones. I guess you get the bad with the good, eh? I’m sure I’ll blog about anything monumental if anything does ‘go anywhere’, but I doubt it.

You know, the scared of commitment thing? I think I’m too damaged for a real relationship. But whatever, it’s about getting out of my comfort zone, right? I need to stop hiding. And this is part of the healing… right? dating game

So… here… we… GO!