What is that thing called that makes you think all kinds of negative thoughts?
That thing that goes on for a few days, then you go back to normal?
The vicious cycle that comes and goes when you least expect it.
The thing that gets fed every time you are stressed, losing sleep, don’t meet deadlines, etc.
The feeling you get when you are on your period and your hormones are out of whack.
What is it called when you have mood swings, low energy, irritability, depression, anger, anxiety and negativity that come out of nowhere?
When you want to scream at the world for making you this way. Because everything just happens to you all at once. You get slammed with all kinds of crazy problems back to back before you were able to heal from the last one.
That feeling you get when you want to push everyone away, but you don’t want to be left alone.
The feeling that all you want to do is scream at the people closest to you and tell them how grateful you are for them, but you can’t because every time you open your mouth, it isn’t nice. At the same time, you don’t want to be left alone and feel clingy and lonely for no reason at all
The feeling of not even knowing what you want.
That causes anxiety because you are just looking for something to stop this feeling, and nothing is working.
The feeling of wanting to do something drastic like climb up the side of the cliff, but curling up in a ball and crying sounds good too.
What is it when being social takes up too much energy, but you put on your face anyway and you be nice? There’s a word for it…
You hate fighting and arguing, but you can’t stop. All you want to do is cry at this point because you can’t say anything nice, but that’s all you want to do.
You want to scream it from the rooftops, but you can’t because of this thing…
Nothing is wrong, yet nothing is right.
Oh, I know what it is.
It’s called depression. And all these things listed on this site are true. And I hate it.
I hate I have to feel this way for no reason. The people around me have to deal with me when I feel like this too, and it makes it so much worse. I hate that I’m hurting them. I hate that I feel like this. I wish there was a magic wand that could make me not feel these things. But there isn’t a “cure” for depression. If there is, I don’t know what it is nor has that been shared with the world.
It’s been recommended to me before to try a gratitude journal. So, I’m writing the first thing that’s been on my mind all day. I am deeply, truly grateful for my boyfriend who is trying so hard to understand me and what I need. He puts up with me and all that comes with me. It’s so frustrating to not be able to tell him. Not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t even know what I want, or what I’m feeling. I’ve been on the other side of depression too, and I know how helpless that can make people feel. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I truly appreciate you (because I know you are reading this). You are my soul mate and I’m the luckiest girl in the world to have you. You were made for me.
Secondly, I’m grateful to have a roof over my head, be able to put food on the table, and clothes on my back. Some people aren’t so fortunate to have all 3. Whatever 1st world problems I’m dealing with aren’t as bad when you think about how some people don’t even have enough food to feed their families.
Life is a precious gift. It can be taken away so quickly. I hold my family a little closer today, as our sweet Marshall unexpectedly passed away last night. We are devastated, and it still doesn’t feel real. I keep expecting to hear his little feet on the floor pitter pattering as quick as he can to come to me if I called him. He wasn’t sick, he wasn’t old. He was taken far too early. He was one of my best dogs, and the best ‘little’ I have ever had. I never thought I would have a little dog, as I’m into the ‘tough’ breeds. But then Marshall came to me for training and I fell in love with him. I told the family if they ever didn’t want him or couldn’t keep him, that I wanted him. I never expected to hear that a year later, they were moving and couldn’t take him. So without hesitation, I took him and he was immediately a part of my pack. I didn’t foster him, or even try to adopt him out. He just belonged with me. He was an amazing dog, and brought so much happiness to every person he met. I never expected this would happen so soon.
We buried him under a tree in our front yard. He will stay here forever, and bring nutrients to the trees, the soil, and the earth. His body has returned to the planet, and his soul is now on a journey to wherever else it needs to be. He’ll always be with me, and I’ll have all the beautiful memories of him to remember him. I want to remember my bright, happy Marshall. I want to remember all the silly, cute things he did. The house feels very dreary today. Our hearts are breaking, and our souls cry. I wish this didn’t happen.
When he curled up in the big dog beds by himself and his tail was resting on his nose, like he was hiding.
How he loved to sit right in between the big dogs’ paws, like he belonged to them.
How everyone thought he was a puppy.
I’m really going to miss him, the house won’t be the same without him. I only had him several years, but in that time, he left his pawprint there. For such a small dog, he had the biggest presence in the best way. His spunky, happy personality is what I want to remember.
I attended a chakra and archetype class a few months ago where I started to learn more about the religion of “Jainism”. I started researching, as it sounded very similar to what I believe in, and it’s very in line with my deep morals and beliefs. I feel I have become less spiritual lately, and want to focus again on bettering myself and rising above all this negativity in the world. If you are interested in learning more about Jainism, it’s basically the principle and practice of nonviolence. They don’t believe in a single God, but they do believe in many Gods who have achieved enlightenment. I don’t have the mental capacity yet to say I want to achieve enlightenment. I mean, that sounds great, but I can’t grasp that concept in my real life. What I do really appreciate about this particular religion is the atmosphere and feeling that we should fill the world with love and peace and not even let our thoughts be negative towards another person or thing. To just love. Not that I’ve entirely forgotten about that, but I notice I’m not actively practicing it, and I am allowing the energy of outside influences affect my inner peace.
Anyway, struggling with motivation to work today, and I just need to buck up and get ‘er done. I don’t have a lot of on my plate work-wise right now, which is nice, because it seems I can’t handle much more than what I have now. We are working on the dog house this weekend, and the project seems very daunting. I’m sure it won’ be that bad, but this is work I haven’t done before, and with very little mental energy, I’m hoping more than anything I won’t just get in the way. I’m going to have to be taught, which means it will take longer to get things done. And constant teaching and supervising is exhausting, so I kind of feel like I have to be a fast learner. And in my current state of mind, I’m hoping I can pull it together.
A client from yesterday told me “Your life sounds so great! You do what you love, make time for yourself everyday, run races, go hiking and hang out with your dogs all day, and you attracted a pretty amazing dude! It’s because you are awesome and have such a great energy! You live the life I want to someday! You worked hard to get here and it shows!” It was kind of great to hear her say that, but it made me think. She’s right, I do have a pretty amazing life. I did work my ass off to get to where I am. And I train everyday (almost), I have an amazing dude and I do get to spend my days with my dogs. I also put myself in the situation where I am now, and I don’t regret a single thing I’ve done because it has gotten me here. Not here in this physical sense, because I’m in a kind of fucked up situation… but more as in I am who I am because of the choices I’ve made and the lessons I’ve learned. I know where I want to go, and what I want in my life. I mean, I don’t have all the answers, but I have a general idea of what I want and that’s more than most people.
I got news my divorce was final. I was already overwhelmed, depressed, stressed, and anxious. And then I got that email. It floored me. So many complicated emotions. I couldn’t handle it. I called my mom, and had a panic attack on the phone. I grabbed my dog and she stayed on the phone with me the whole time while I thrashed around and screamed and cried and held 
End of My Leash 