Vulnerable

brickwallYou know the feeling of mentally drowning? The feeling of the world pressing down on you so much that it makes you feel so small, unimportant, and helpless?

Ok, maybe some of you don’t. This feeling makes me feel like it’s better for the world if I just cease to exist. It has been a while since I have thought about suicide.

Well, that feeling came back again today. And thoughts of my own demise comforted me. It’s like a security blanket, that when the world suffocates me, I at least have these feelings of release. An out, if you will.

I can’t seem to not cry. I can’t stop. The tears fall, and the thoughts start up again. And because my spouse doesn’t understand the feeling of having the comforting feeling of suicide, he says I’m selfish for thinking that way. Now making me feel guilty, once again. It’s not his fault. But… I don’t have anyone else.

It seems easier to not say anything at all.

I’m not judged. I die inside silently where no one can see. Sometimes, I feel so brave to ask for help, to talk about my emotions and expose a vulnerable part of me. And it seems, all too often, I’m poked with an electric stick and I regret talking at all.

This stems from mistakes that were made. Mistakes that were my fault solely. I take responsibility for my actions, I always have. However, I also take on more than I handle. This isn’t the first time, and it isn’t the last. This is a mistake I will continue to make. Because I challenge myself. Sometimes, I put myself in positions where I set myself up to fail. This is one of those times.

When I make a mistake, I can admit it, and I can learn from it. When I make a bunch of mistakes all around the same time, or on the same day, it builds up. I wish it would go away, and I could crawl in a hole and just have the world pass me by.

But I can’t, and it doesn’t stop. It seems I finally get into a mental state of ‘peace’ or whatever, and then one thing happens, then another. I’m overwhelmed, then I make a mistake. All the problems are unrelated, but in turn – they are related. And all of a sudden, my mental state crumbles and the brick wall protecting me is gone.

I’m a snail without its shell, and I’m sitting in the sun, baking. Can’t get into the grass, and can’t protect myself. Someone has to come save me or I will die.

I think it’s time to call my therapist again. I’m sinking back into the darkness. Again, and the nightmares started again last night.  No sleep. No dreams, just the demon. Back again from the graveyard of my mind. I thought I had buried that guilt so far into my mind that I wouldn’t see him again.

If I could take a vacation, I wouldn’t use it to travel or to do something fun. I would use it to take care of myself, and go to a mental institution to have someone fix the way I think.

Is that possible? To have someone just get in there, pop the hood, and change the oil? … in a brain? I hope so… because mentally, I’m done. I’m just going to let the thoughts of suicide comfort me for now. I’ll let the tears fall, and have some of myself die in the process.

I’m surprised I have any pieces left. I should just be an empty shell of a person by now.

Random Post is Random

So, when I’m bored during a meeting at work or in the shower, I tend to think about things. Random things, usually.

This morning, I was thinking about my funeral, and how mine would go. I don’t have a lot of friends, per se, but the ones I do have, are full of awesome. They would go. Would my dog training clients go? Would they be sad? What about my fellow coworkers at my company? My neighbors? My dog training mentor? My family in other states… they didn’t come to my wedding. I had a wedding full of my husband’s family and friends. I’m really grateful my family came to my wedding. My grandfather came too. That was nice. I don’t get to see him often enough.

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I got around to thinking about how my service should take place. I don’t want it to be expensive. That’s hard for the family. I would like a tree to be planted in my name, but my body donated to science. Maybe people can learn from me, I don’t know. Pick apart my brain and see how I tick. I would want a big non-poison oak tree planted in a nice animal sanctuary. I would just like a gathering of all my friends and family to come around this tree to be planted. I’m fine with dogs peeing on me, and cats scratching me.

Food at my funeral would include junk, mostly. And wine. Definitely wine. You can pick your favorite, white, red, and drink around my tree. That would be very nice. Oh, and music! We’ll have to play songs from my favorite bands, whether they are appropriate or not. Who cares? It’s my service! I would want Muse and Apocalyptica… maybe some Metallica, and Evanescence. Anyway, play what I like, not that shitty funeral drawl. Make it fun, make it a party. Remember my awesome, dammit! 😡

Somehow, all this talk about funerals reminded me of if I should have a living will. Where will all my stuff go? To whom? What about my animals, my business? Well, obviously, to my husband first. But I think I would have my cats go to my best friend. I know she would take care of them. Again, for privacy, we will call her Mary. Her name really isn’t Mary, but she loves cats. And they would be well taken care of. My dog, well, I would probably want him to be taken by a good friend, who studies nutrition, and is good at training. They don’t have to be the best, just enough training to understand what my boy needs.  Strong leadership, and they have to know when to correct him. What is acceptable, and what is not. My bearded dragon would go to the person who ‘co-parents’ him with me.

Then, my business. I would just have it die out, I think. I don’t trust anyone with it right now. I don’t have employees, and I don’t think anyone can run this shit like I can! So, they can come up with their own business, not steal mine. When I get bigger, maybe things will change. But for now, it’s ok to have it shut down.

All my shit. Meh, donate or sell it. My parents can have the money. I have nice shit, as we just refurnished, so they can have some of it if they want. But we have junk too. But not much. I tend to keep on top of it. My online-blog-friend, Viv, dedicates her own blog to selling her shit. She has way more than I do, fun read!

However, I did just buy a juicer! I purchased a Breville JE98XL Juice Fountain Plus! And I’m pretty excited to use it! It comes in on Friday, and I will be making juice… with my new juicer! I have always wanted to make juice, but I thought it was a lot of work. Not with this baby! Stick those vegetables in, and this machine auto-magically pulps everything, mixes everything, and blends it all into a nice juice! Yay! I’ll let you know how it goes.

So, this weekend, I will be juicing, and learning SATS (Syn Alia Training System). It’s a whole new way to train your dog, and I’m so excited to learn it. It’s kind of hard to follow, but once you learn it, it’s pretty easy to execute. I have just started the material, and I have a pretty good idea of how to train, but my dog and I will be practicing. Check out the website, and watch this video! It’s pretty amazing!