Temp Friendships

Temporary friends. Unfortunately, I have come to the conclusion that friendship is only temporary. I have had friends as kids, then as I grew older, I made new friends. I moved, made new friends and old friends fade away. I have never had what you call a life-long friendship.

I had childhood friends – none of whom I even speak to now. I had elementary and Junior high school friends. My best friend in Junior High/Middle School (whatever you call it where you are from) died of leukemia. In high school, I had a group of friends and we were very close. We did everything together, and every Friday night, we would go to someone’s house and listen to music, make potatoes, play video games, and just hang out. I really miss these people. So much it hurts sometimes.

When I graduated 6 months early from high school, I realized how hard this was on our friendship. I tried to come home every weekend and hang out, but between the hour drive and the homework I always had on weekends, it was really difficult.

I made friends in college, and knowing full well that they were moving back to wherever ‘home’ was when we graduated – I got close to them. I made some very good friends. Some of my happiest memories of my life are with them.

I graduated college with my Bachelor’s Degree when I was around 20 years old. I tried to reconnect with my friends from high school and keep in touch with my friends from college. My HS friends were jobless and partying and trying to figure out what they wanted to do with their lives. I had graduated early from high school, got my BA degree in less than 2 years, and I had a high paying entry level programming position. Not that I was better, just we were in different stages of our lives now. I found myself downplaying how hard I worked to get my BA degree so quickly. It wasn’t a big deal. Meh… whatever.

Eventually, we stopped hanging out altogether. We are connected on Facebook, but random status posts, and ‘likes’ are about the extent of our friendship now. My college friends? Well, we keep in touch, but I have no idea what is happening with their lives now. I don’t know what they are doing, what they are thinking about, or why they have made the choices they have.

I have been left out. I am friendless, and I have to accept it. Should I just shell up and not talk to people? It’s easier. I won’t keep feeling like my heart is being ripped apart. I will feel less anxiety, I won’t have as much drama. Is it worth it to even continue to try to have personal relationships? I have a lot of acquaintances, but friends? Should I even try?

Friends step in and out of your life, and if you are careful – you can protect yourself by keeping them at a distance. Realize they are temporary, and that they will eventually move on. Not in a mean way. They aren’t intentionally leaving you or hurting you because you aren’t good enough. Just… you aren’t a big part of their life anymore.

Treated

…so I’m protecting myself.

I want to protect myself. I want to curl up in a tiny little ball and sink into the cushions in my sofa with a blanket. I want to just disappear to make it easier for everyone to severe ties.

But I don’t. Why? I keep inviting people to do things, I want to hang out, I want to have friends. I want to tell people my secrets and have fun. I want to be with people and have them love me for me. I love all my friends for who they are. It feels like I’m not appreciated for me. Everyone is leaving me behind.

Maybe I’ll just create a Sims neighborhood with all my ‘temp friends’ who I want to still hang out with and just live virtually. That way, when they leave for good, it will be because I have chosen them to do so. I’ll turn off age limits, and we’ll have unlimited amounts of money. We can do whatever we want, when we want. We’ll go downtown to go drinking, we’ll go horseback riding and go to the arcade. We’ll roam the city and tip the street guitarists. We’ll have lunch at the bistro and then head to the book store. Maybe head to the gym and work on the machines and then go swimming.  Who knows? I get to hang out with my virtual friends whenever I want.

To all my temp friends – I’m making peace with it. Don’t invite me places if you feel sorry for me. Don’t call or text me to say hi if you don’t genuinely want to be in my life. I understand you will someday leave me.

To all my real friends – Please don’t become a temp friend. Stay friends with me. Communicate when you are disappointed. Tell me when you want to do something. Have I hurt your feelings? Tell me. I want you in my life, do you want me in yours? Show me.

Napoleon’s Temper Tantrum

sadness

I SERIOUSLY am at the end of my leash.

I am fighting back tears, or the will to scream… or both.

Napoleon has completely driven me crazy. I’m supposed to be a newbie dog trainer. I will make mistakes. But when I can’t even control my own dog… I am seriously a ‘frustrated owner’ right now. I feel like I’m in the position of someone who doesn’t know what else to do with their dog.

We were going on a walk, and practicing distractions as well as leash work. He was just doing fantastic. Just wonderful, and then I saw my neighbors, who wanted to chat. That’s fine, great opportunity for him to be ignored right now. Again, wonderful. So far so good…

So, because he was doing so well, he got to play with the neighbor’s boxer for a bit. They are friends, but we have to watch out for-yep, there it is… mounting. My dog always mounts this boxer for some reason. He’s 9 years old, and neutered. And completely … perfect. Then there’s my dog…mounting him. Great. I try to catch it, as I see the signs happening and ‘Ah-ah, NO!’. But he ignored me. I have no training tools with me, and he’s off leash. Great. So, I run over, and pull him off. Then, I have him do something else for a bit – “Puppy Pushups” I like to call them. Sit-Down-Sit-Down and so on and so forth. Eventually, he seems to have relaxed. Well that was embarrassing (“I’m sorry my dog just completely dominated your dog.”). Ok, they are playing now, good. Good play, everything is going well again…

Until a fucking idiot teenage kid on a skateboard was being pulled by a pit bull ran down the street. Napoleon FREAKED OUT! He started lunging, and snarling, and barking/whining. Behavior I have never seen before. Even in a fight, he’s not like that! Unfortunately, for me, he was off leash. I tried to get control by his collar, and then remove him from the situation. The little fucking asshat teenager decided it was fun seeing my dog all freaked out and then came back again! This time, as I was trying to get control of Napoleon, I was able to [somehow] slip the Halti back on, and secure it so I had more control.

Yeah, I decided that was enough of that, and that we needed to go. I wasn’t going to take him home yet, because he was too worked up. We walked around the block, and we went real slow until he calmed down.

When we got home, he was back to his out of control ‘I-want-dinner-now-mom’ attitude. I don’t respond to that at all, and he doesn’t get fed until he calms down. So, he was ignored. . . which resulted in ear-splitting howls and whines. This, again, doesn’t usually happen unless he’s in the kennel. So, the Pet Convincer was used on him. Then, another uncharacteristic thing- growling at me. This has never happened. So, I stood there, and waited for him to calm down. Then put him in the bedroom by himself to ‘cool off’.

My boy – having a temper tantrum is what it looked like. It was like my  high energy lab, just turned into a huge problem. Hmm… wow. Either I royally screwed up on something, or something is really wrong.

I feed the cats, and then eventually let Napoleon out again. He is jumping, knocking me over in the hallway, getting in the kitchen (he’s not allowed), and jumped COMPLETELY OVER a sofa and smashed into the window.

WHAT.THE.HELL.IS.GOING.ON??? No. No. NO. NO! I don’t even care right now. I am up to my eyeballs in these negative feelings.

I give up… feeling words:

-Disappointed
-Distraught
-Frustrated
-Ashamed
-Embarrassed
-Hopeless
-A failure
-Miserable
-Guilt
-KILL ME NOW

I want to ‘fix’ him. I want so badly to do this. I want to know how to solve ‘difficult’ problems like this one, and it feels like the whole damn world is against me. I ask for help from the organization I am a member of, and they tell me ‘It might be because he should be getting a 5 mile walk every day’, and ‘it’s something you might just have to deal with’.

Yeah. Well, if I have to ‘deal with this’ … seriously: Please kill me. Put me out of my misery and take me out back and just shoot me. I could run him 5 miles, and it wouldn’t make a difference. It really, REALLY doesn’t. It’s not an exercise problem. He’s OVER-ADRENALIZED. I was very unhappy with these responses, so now I’m even more frustrated.

FAILURE. I CAN’T DO THIS EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF FOREVER WITH MY BOY. He is so good when he’s not over-stimulated. I just can’t do it all the time. I need a break every once in a while. Ignorance was bliss. Before I knew what ‘over-adrenalized’ meant and before I realized that he wasn’t just ‘a really happy dog’, we were all really happy. Now, it feels like I have one of the worst dogs in the world. My poor boy, getting all these emotions from me. If he can read my mind – I’m sure he feels awful. See, there I go -putting human emotions on a dog. FAIL.

But if he could talk, I think he would be saying, ‘But Mom! I’m really trying! I’m working so hard, see? See me work so hard? ‘. And now, GUILT.

I can’t even talk to my husband. It’ll start a fight. When I get like this, I have to attack something/someone. And I don’t want to start a fight. I think I’ll just sleep downstairs. By myself.