Down point again.

I get to an ‘up’ point, and then things start to collapse around me.

I try to stay strong. I put on a suit of fake happiness and try to fake it to make it.

I want to block out the world. I just want to snuggle with my dog.

But I have to power through.  How? I have nothing else to give? I’m empty.

I’m not enough. I don’t know enough. I’m not going fast enough.

I can’t slow down, I’m not allowed.

Everyone depends on me. So I have to stay strong. But how? How can I offer something I don’t have?

It sometimes feels like I haven’t started my life yet… I’m waiting. For what?

How long can I hide it before it’s too much?

My therapist says I’m definitely bi-polar. I have a manic-depressive disorder. I feel like I’m on a tightrope. She thinks I’m doing better and can handle it.  When I’m ‘up’ I feel that way too. But now… can I handle this?

When things are ‘up’, I’m able to walk across and be on top of the world. When things are ‘down’, I feel like I might fall off. Then what happens? When I fall, will someone help me pick myself up and get back up there so I can fall again?

“Why do we fall, sir? So we may learn to pick ourselves up.” – Alfred from Batman.

What if I can’t pick myself up again? What will happen?

I have chosen not to be medicated. Why? I don’t know, maybe it’s a social stigma, maybe it’s because I don’t want to accept there is something ‘wrong’ with me. Maybe because I feel I have something to prove.

Why do I feel this way? Why do I want to cry for no reason? Why do I want to separate myself from society? Why do I want to give up, but can’t? It feels like there is a monster in me, tearing me apart from the inside so it can get out. What happens if it does?