Homeless

Sitting here at the Laundromat. I fucking hate this place. I hate waiting for my clothes, I hate loading them up and taking them somewhere to do them. I miss MY washer and dryer, the convenience of doing laundry whenever I want, and I was spoiled by the high efficiency. I also hate I have to pay $15-$20 each week to do laundry, yet this was supposed to be ‘included’ in the utilities I paid..along with internet at my house that I don’t have. Not necessarily a fan of the people who come here either. If I was pregnant or brought all 10 of my 1/2naked kids with me, I wouldn’t stand out like a sore thumb. Or if I was a Asian. Well, I guess I don’t always come alone… I bring Jinx with me.

laundromat

I want my washer and dryer back. I want a kitchen. I want to be able to use the internet when I want to…and not rack up a giant bill on my cell phone because I have to use a hotspot service. I miss having a bedroom. I want to feel like I have a home again. I can sleep in the back of my truck and feel just as comfortable as I do when I’m at my ‘place of sleeping and business’. This is because I don’t have a ‘home’. It doesn’t matter where I am, I feel the same. I’m sick of feeling like this. I’m so close. I’m trying to hang in, but it’s like a carrot being dangled in front of me, and instead of teaching me to be patient and be strong, it’s teasing me and pissing me off and draining all my energy. When I go to reach for it, it’s taken away and the world laughs at me. Yeah, I know, the world isn’t out to get me. Shut up, I don’t want to hear it.

I have a lot more than some people, so I feel like I should be grateful for what I have. I’m trying, trust me. I’m trying to remember what I felt like when I wrote my last post. I’m trying to get back there and hang on to that feeling. Because I feel like I’ve lost it and I’ve fallen into the trap I’ve been trying so hard to avoid. Yep, I’m there. I tried to fight it and mentally will myself to not be here…and I think I did postpone it for a long time. But now, here I am.

I’ve realized it’s not about WHAT I have, but more about MENTALLY where I am. It’s hard to explain. I have a place to live, but I’m homeless. Why? It’s not mine, I’m not safe or comfortable there, my livelihood is threatened pretty regularly in this place, and I am paying a shit ton of money to have even that. I feel robbed, lied to, taken advantage of, and I feel like in many ways, I AM homeless. I can have a roof over my head in a lot of places. I feel like I am living in my workshop. What’s it all for? What’s the payoff for what I’m doing to myself? I feel like it’s coming, and I’ve literally sacrificed my stable home for it. I took a risk. I weighed it, and a bunch of things went wrong that led me to this situation. So now I’m here… down to the final weeks before my next big adventure starts and I’m crashing.

I guess I’m finally feeling the effects of the go-go-go mentality I’ve had for months. I’m losing it. I have an awesome support system, I have people who will help me this time, I have a plan…. So why am I fading now? I’m hanging in, but I just want to curl up in a corner and watch the world keep turning without me. I won’t… because I don’t have a choice. But I’m also not going to be happy about it. I’ve noticed I have less motivation to do the things I’ve worked so hard for. Like training for my race this weekend. I should really train… like at all this week. Or doing dishes… yeah, I should do those at some point. Whatever, why? For who? I don’t care. Leave them.

I should be researching sound proofing, landscaping, fencing, costs on how much it’s going to take to refinish flooring in the barn and putting up walls. I should be inputting my clients’ paperwork into my computer, getting my phone fixed (broke it … again), being proactive in this particular living situation that is now urgently pressing upon me. But I don’t have it in me. So I’m here, at the Laundromat, doing laundry because that’s productive right? There. I’m doing something. I got out of bed, and I’m doing laundry. Bare minimum to keep me going.

I go from handling stress well to it all blowing up in my face. I got it, really, I’m fine, I can do everything by myself all the time because I’m fucking super woman…Just kidding, I’m not and I don’t have a handle on anything, actually. There’s no build up, it’s just one minute I’m fine, and the next I’m not. Yeah, it’ll pass, I know. I don’t feel like I’m being dramatic; feelings are feelings, and this is what I feel. I’m stuck because I don’t have time to feel like this, and all my energy should be spent on my business, and fighting for my living situation. But I feel like if I don’t stop, I am going to burn out. I’m at the point where I feel it happening already, and I don’t see a break in sight. I don’t see a good stopping place, and in the near/immediate future, I’m actually starting a much bigger project. I feel like I need to get out and run away for a few days. I tried to over the weekend, but it just wasn’t enough. I need some actual recharge time… oh wait, I forgot. I’m a business owner, and a dog trainer no less. That doesn’t happen. I gave that up. I’ll quit bitching now and buck up and do what I’m supposed to do. Which is doing fucking laundry.

After the Rain

photo (3)

4/5/2013 Rain in April

Yesterday, I finally cracked. I broke down at work. I cried in front of a coworker.

Yes, that was quite embarrassing, as you can imagine. I don’t normally make a habit out of crying in front of people.

Anyway… yesterday was another ‘down’ day.

image

My first flower of the season. 4/5

However, today, I see a break coming. I have spoken to my new therapist, and had my assessment today. I like her so far. She listened, didn’t judge, and seems like she wants to help.  My last therapist gave me silly exercises to work on that didn’t help and actually made things worse. That’s why I stopped going. Now, I need to work on me, and get back in the game…the ‘healing’ game.

We have discussed future plans and a treatment plan, and I want to see what she comes up with. I was honest, and as hard as it was, I was open. Very open. I’m glad my husband came with me for moral support. He listened, and jumped in when I forgot something, or when he needed to add in a detail that I missed.

I’m happy he is so supportive of everything that I do. I don’t know how I would get through some of my issues without him.

So, in light of today’s rain, I am using it as an excuse to start over, per se. I want to work on healing, and I’m ready to put in the emotional work on myself to be happy with myself, and who I am. I have to stop letting one particular individual break me down. I climb up, get some confidence, and then I am broken down again.

I have to learn how to not let people’s words hurt me as much as they do. ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.’ is a lie. Those words do hurt… but I have to be a wall, a rubber wall, and let those words bounce off. It is hard when you respect someone so much, when you look up to them so much… then they break you down. I work up the courage to ask for help, and then when I finally do… I’m insulted, burned, and smashed back into the ground. Then, I have to pick myself up and put myself through the same thing again and again.

Why?

Why do I do this? I have asked this time and time again. My husband has asked this. Why do I keep coming back for more and more abuse? …because I respect this person. Because I look up to this person. Because this person has worked so hard to get the business she wanted. Because I want to be as successful as this person. Because this person is an inspiration to me, and I feel I should take the abuse. I should throw money at this person and have them teach everything they know to me.

4/5 Rain through my screen

4/5 Rain through my screen

What do I feel about this person?

-Intimidation
-I feel small when I talk to this person
-I freeze, can’t speak, can’t think logically
-Insignificant
-Like I won’t amount to anything
-I don’t know anything about my career… like I am a fraud.
I feel scared of this person

Does anyone have the same feelings about another person? How do you handle your feelings? What have you done to keep it together when speaking to him/her?