A Promise

You know when a song comes on the radio, and it’s the montage of your life right now? It reminds you of all the pain and suffering you are going through? Well, that’s how my day started. I wanted to escape for a bit, so I put in my headphones, got geared up and went out on a bike ride. A song that reminds me of the love of my life. A song that reminds me of all the good things, and I think positive, happy thoughts. This may be borderline intrusive to his privacy, but he’s hurting. And all I want to do is take the pain away. I guess I am falling into the ‘fix it’ trap. I want to fix it. I want to take all his pain and dissolve it into the universe. He doesn’t need it, and nor does anyone else. I want him to feel light and happy, and I’ll do anything to make that happen. That’s what this song reminded me of.

I go on my bike ride, and listen to positive, uplifting songs, and think about the good times, laughing, smiling, happiness, and bright, healing light enveloping him. I just think about sharing love and happiness. I think about healing light and happy thoughts. I’m ripped out of my own head by a sharp pain in my right ankle. I look down, and a dog is fucking biting me. WTF? Are you serious?! I crash, and kick it in the head. Wow, ok. Remind me to never leave the house again. I already can’t walk my dogs in the neighborhood because of off leash dogs attacking us. Now, I go alone on a bike ride, and a dog attacks me?! I kick him in the head repeatedly until he stops. Well, neighborhood dog walks, pack walks, non-dog walks, and now bike rides are off the table. What a great start to the day…

I’ve been struggling and trying really hard to stay positive. I’ve been dragging my ass out of bed to try to take care of everything. To try to smile and have it be real. To have real fun, instead of faking it. To enjoy the company of others instead of just want to crawl into my hole. Getting out of the house in itself is a challenge. I have to mentally prepare myself to go. I have to mentally prepare to present myself to other people. I guess it’s a mandatory evil when you teach people for a living. When I see 5-10 people a day, it’s exhausting to put on a happy smiley face every day. Sometimes, the faking it actually does help. When people say “thank you”, or “you’re amazing”, it’s like it just goes over my head. They’re saying that because they have to, not because they actually mean it. I’m the same as everyone else. I don’t bring anything special to the table. I’m just another person with another job.

I’m also trying to tell myself I’m worth something. That I matter. That I’m important. I don’t recognize myself much these days. I thought I left these feelings behind. I thought I was over it. When I tell myself I’m important, I really don’t believe it. I try so hard, but for what? I don’t see a change I’m making on the world. I don’t see my ‘big life’ I thought I had. My ‘big dreams’ I thought I had. They are just distractions, and they’re bullshit. I thought I was strong, that I was a ‘warrior’. Someone told me that once, and I felt it gave me power. Now, I don’t see it. I just see a weak, frail person in a disgusting body. I feel ugly. Not just on the outside, but on the inside, too. I don’t like my body. I don’t like what’s inside it either. I don’t like this person I’ve become.

I feel like I’m starting over. Like the journey I took before faded, and now I need to do it again. What was my regime? Oh yeah, writing a lot more, working out every day, eating crazy healthy, spending more time with friends, positive outlooks, and literally no booze, no electronics, setting goals for myself, and just enjoying nature. I want to feel better, so I guess I can do that. I went through a self-destructive phase where I wanted to cause as much damage as possible. I was a wrecking ball. I drank too much, used people, and alienated the most important people in my life until they left me forever. Bridges burned for an eternity. I don’t want to make the same mistakes, and I feel it happening already. I can feel the anger starting to come back. So, I need to stop this before it escalates into destroying my life… again.

I’m making a promise to myself. I can be the biggest rebel in the world by not allowing negativity to swallow me. That’s the popular option. That’s what everyone does. So, I don’t want to be like everyone. Rising up IS the counter culture.

So, I’m making a promise:

  • I won’t drink. I will take care of my body and only put in things that help me.
  • I won’t be a party animal. I won’t allow my judgment to be impaired. I can still have a good time without the use of drugs and alcohol.
  • I will make an effort to set work out goals for myself. I will compete if I have to.
  • I won’t abuse myself or others. When I hurt, I’ll spread love, not give into the anger.
  • I will find the positive in everything. No matter how bad things get.
  • I won’t yell, scream, lose my temper, or be impatient. I’ll listen.
  • I will spend time with myself every day. Really spend time with myself and allow myself to validate any feelings that come up.
  • I’ll be gentle with myself.
  • I’ll go to the mountains several times a week to meditate and ground myself.
  • I won’t succumb to negative self talk. I will stop thinking of things that hurt me, and turn it around into a strength.
  • I will create a happy place for my soul to emotionally live.
  • I will acknowledge the feelings, and I will protect myself. I will create healthy emotional boundaries to protect myself spiritually.
  • I will keep my heart center open. But I will not allow myself to be abused emotionally, psychologically, or physically.
  • I will tell myself I am safe. I am safe. I am safe.
  • I will tell myself this is not my fault. Assigning blame is negative self talk.
  • I will tell myself I have people who care deeply about me. Even if in the moment I don’t know who they are.
  • I will tell myself I am not alone. I am not alone.
  • I will tell myself that this too shall pass. That this is another breakdown to breakthrough. Smile and let the tears fall, because pain can be beautiful. Feelings are beautiful.

When we feel, truly allow ourselves to feel those emotions, we acknowledge them, and then let them go. Numbing them, stuffing them down, or trading them for anger and hate are not dealing with them. History will keep repeating itself unless we deal with the baggage.

I’ll be ok. I’ll make it through. I’ll take care of myself. I’ll be gentle. I won’t beat myself up. I won’t succumb to the darkness that took over my life before.

Oh, want to know what the song was to start all this? “Ophelia” by the Lumineers. It always makes me think of my love, Rob.

I Came Home Today

homeI came home today. Now, before you can really understand what this means, I need to back track and explain a few things. I haven’t talked much about this spiritual journey I have embarked on. It has been interesting, but not incredibly noteworthy until now. I broke through. I moved mountains! I felt true, open, vulnerable happiness. I have been freed of the mental chains holding me back, and I can see the light. I have a deep sense of peace, and I realize that what’s been holding me back has been me this whole time.

I have a beautiful soul, and I have a shining light of happiness inside me. I have had different events or people try to squash it, bury it, murder it, or take it from me. Some have been successful at dampening its’ power. But I have learned to protect myself, and learned that this power is mine. It’s my light, my happiness, it’s my life. I can choose how to use the power, who to give my light to, and how to protect it.

So, let me explain how this all started. I have been receiving healing from an energy healer. But not just any energy healer. Someone who specializes in working with the psyche. She dives deep into the inner chakras to see where you have emotional blocks, and helps you work through them at your own pace. You do the work. You feel it, you work through it, and she helps guide you. Through one on one sessions, she uses a metaphorical dialogue to help you understand how you view things, and work through programs you are running as self defense mechanisms. These programs actually cause more harm that good, and she helps you change your programming. Dynamic breathwork is another tool she uses to help you push out energy that gets stuck. This can also help clear entities. You can work through deep emotional traumas, baggage, and hurts that haunt you. This baggage you carry around can destroy your hopes, dreams, relationships, and your mind. You can push out dark, negative energy that damages your psyche. Through these tools, I have prepared myself for a workshop where we will work through deep childhood wounding. But that’s a different post.

marshall1So, fast forward to last week. I was in a breathwork class, and I started to work through something huge. Things like blame, pain, death, loss, shame. The loss of my dear Marshall. It was so tragic, so sudden, and not fair. My dogs are my family. The loss of Marshall was devastating, and I didn’t want to let go. Because I thought if I let go, he’d be gone forever or maybe I’d forget him if I didn’t hurt anymore. Of course, his physical body was gone already, but I couldn’t accept that he wasn’t with me anymore. It was too painful to let go. During this session, he came up. Not physically ‘came up’, but he was in my thoughts, my memories. I remembered in detail. That fateful day. Every second was in slow motion, and I relived it. It was so painful and I was screaming. Sometime during this playback in my head, I heard a voice. Not clear, but a whisper, straight to my soul. It was myself talking. I said “It’s not your fault. Forgive, and let go. Let him go.” I started crying, and I didn’t want to let go, so I fought. I fought the feeling and wanted to hang on. Tetany happens when you have control issues and you can’t let go of the hurt. Your muscles cramp up and you can’t open your hands. It’s scary and it is excruciating. This started to happen, and it’s happened before. This time, I surrendered to the pain, and I let go. I cried violently, and I let go of Marshall. I forgave myself. It wasn’t my fault. His spirit is always with me because he is a part of me. He isn’t part of my FAMILY, he’s part of ME. When I realized this, I stopped crying and I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. I felt him there with me. And I realized he had never left me. He’s with me even now, because he is part of my soul. That’s why I connected with him so well. We found each other, and he needed me in his life. I needed him, because I was missing a piece of my soul. He couldn’t be a part of me in physical body, but he can this way. Then remembered all the little cute things that he did all the time and I smiled, I laughed, I cried, I mourned, and I let go. And soon, I was at peace. Right after this happened, I was enveloped by a warm purple light. My guardians, I presume. They protect me, and they were happy I have reached this state. They gave me a gift. This gift was protection and said I can have this peaceful, happy feeling as long as I want it, but there was a price. Vulnerability. I had to agree to keep my heart center open, and accept peace and happiness without fear. I agreed to try to my best and protect myself against negative energies who try to bring down this feeling. I have control of this, and no one should be able to take this from me. I am in control of myself and my experiences in my life.

This experience was so powerful, I had a feeling of euphoria when I left that night. I control my life. I can CHOOSE to be happy. Happiness comes when I am open to vulnerability. I don’t have to be scared of being vulnerable. I overcame the pain, the fear, the paranoia. I did it. I put in the work and boy, since then, I will live my life so much happier. But it’s not over.

pagodaToday, I had a one-on-one session with her again. We use metaphors to help work through things. She always asks us to visualize a ‘red colored bridge’. Usually I see a bridge in the woods, a forest, or there’s a waterfall behind it. The path is always dirt, and heading towards the forest or woods. Today, it was different. Today, I saw a pagoda. Cherry blossom trees were all around me, losing their leaves. I walked up to the pagoda, seeming like a good thing to do, and feel like I should go inside. I walk inside, and it’s a temple of some kind. There is an alter with a statue on it, reading materials, black boards, meditation mats, etc. It’s clearly a community building where people go to worship. There’s someone inside, meditating. After some time (and energy work), we realize this person is pretending to be me. This person is tricking me and is imposter. He shouldn’t be here. I look at this a different way, and I realize this building belongs to someone, it isn’t a community building. It’s mine. This is my house, and this person has taken over. This is an entity who shouldn’t be here in this space. This entity moved in a very long time ago, and has been comfortable here for years. What it brought into my house is chaos, organization, and trickery. I asked him (it was a male monk impersonating me) to leave my house. He was confused, not violent, but didn’t understand why, after all this time, that it had to leave. I was firm and told him to leave again. I had help sending this entity away, and this place of worship transformed into a comfortable, cozy tiny place where I immediately felt welcome and happy. This is my home.

I look around, and feel like it has been far too long since I’ve really been home. I notice a black dog sleeping in front of a fireplace. I go to him, and I notice he is very old and blind. He has been waiting for me all this time. I finally came home, and his tail wags when I go to him. But something is wrong. He’s ready to die. He’s been waiting for me, so he can die. I hold him, and tell him I love him, and give him the release he needs to leave this world. I send him compassion and deep, unconditional love. Tears start to form, and I know I don’t have much time with this dog. I don’t know him, but I feel a deep attachment to him. I look into his milky, blind eyes, and I say goodbye to my new, but old friend. I see the light go out, and his body goes limp. He died in my arms. As I am holding his lifeless body, his physical body is disappearing. I truly did let him go, and I stand up, ready to move on. This is my space. This is my home, and I can choose who I let come in. I can choose who stays in my space. It is not a right, and I can be more conscious of who I let in. That doesn’t mean build walls, but I have the right to claim my own space.

cherryblossomsI went outside and saw it was night. On the wrap around porch of my pagoda was a rocking chair. I sat in the chair, and looked out into the night. I smelled the clean air, and watched mallards pick at bugs by the riverbed, right next to the red bridge. The river was flowing lazily with koi and cherry blossom leaves. There were no outdoor lights, but the stars and moon were bright enough to light everything up and what I was saw clear and peaceful. No one was around, but it was comforting. Knowing I was home, and the air was still, the atmosphere totally silent. In the air, you could smell nature and the crisp, clean scent of cherry blossoms. It was a beautiful scene, and I felt at peace. There was a shooting star, and I realized I was going to be ok, because this is my life.

I left feeling more in control of my own life. I am ready for the Inner Child work. I am ready to go on and set forth and learn to be happy in this body with this soul. I am learning how I can protect myself from negative energies, others’ ill wills, and how to also just be. I meditate every day, and do grounding exercises every morning to start the day. Getting snow today was a beautiful gift. It helps quiet the mind, I think.

Anyway, to close, I am learning how to take care of myself emotionally and spiritually. I am working to find all things balance in life, and I want to practice seeing beauty again. I have been so focused on all that has gone wrong, I forgot to see the good and what has gone RIGHT. Where there is good, there is always evil. I was focusing too much on the evil and the bad things. I want to focus on the beauty, the love, and I want to feel peace. I feel so connected and grounded, and this is a feeling I want forever. I can make that happen because I have the power to control my perspective!



“Hearing about other people’s trauma is particularly difficult if you’ve experienced a lot of trauma yourself. Your nervous system isn’t starting from neutral, and you may not have the hardiness of those for whom hearing about such events slide right off their back.” – Jasmin Lee Cori in “Healing from Trauma: A survivor’s guide to understanding your symptoms and reclaiming your life”.

I just started reading through another self improvement book, and within the first few pages, I realized this is literary gold. I come across a few of these books from time to time where I learn so much within just a few sentences. This particular book is a good one for me specifically because the author doesn’t recount her memories, traumas, or tell stories about specific events. She teaches you some tools to use in your recovery, no matter what the trauma. The above quote is from the introduction section of this new book and hits close to home. I just recently learned how to ‘start from neutral’ when faced with a trigger conversation or event. The two tools the author teaches first are conversation and journaling. Which I do a lot of both when I’m healing. One of the tools I’m learning how to do know is take perspective. I mentally take steps backwards and observe the situation. I stop focusing on my story and listen. I breathe. I don’t recoil, freeze, or get upset. It’s not my story, I’m there to listen and help support others. I don’t pass judgment on anything anyone ever tells me. Again, it’s not my story, we all have our skeletons and mistakes. I just choose to be a clean slate and think about everything in it’s entirety.

“We take in our traumatic histories in layers, and the denial and dissociation that helps us originally may still be at work as we learn about trauma. This denial and dissociation try to protect us from painful truths by blocking them out or not staying present to take in what is happening.”

healingfromtraumaThis is so incredibly true. Some people distract themselves, others claim they are fine, and others avoid it entirely. Learning to handle the trauma is not something that can be learned though a step program. Seems like common sense, right? The human brain is a complicated place, and you can’t just rewire how things work overnight. But ‘how do I get over ___?’ or ‘how to become balanced’ google searches aren’t going to tell you. They say ‘time heals all wounds’… that’s not true. It’s knowledge that is gained over time. Maximize the knowledge by teaching yourself how to observe, learn, and act on the information you now possess.

Shit happens. No matter who you are talking to, everyone everywhere has suffered a trauma of some kind. These skills can help anyone with dealing with a trauma. I recommend giving this book a try to anyone who has ever felt pain from some shit that has happened to them in their life. This is a gold mine of information, and it’s incredibly powerful if you can absorb the information being given. Take the time to read and understand the message being taught in this one.



I have started to take a step back from life and gain perspective. Sometimes, this is the only way you can gain clarity. Being involved in the drama, the heartache, relationships…being IN IT is sometimes blinding. So, I have decided to observe a little more and be open to letting things go as well as allowing things to happen naturally. This seems counter intuitive, doesn’t it? Let me explain.

I have started to listen to other people and focus on their story instead of my own. Not necessarily fix their problems, but see if I can help them with clarity. Or just listen. My goal is not to guide them into choosing one side or the other, but to help them take a step back and look at their situation as a whole. Slowing everything down and helping them understand why they are in the situation they are in, what to do about it now, but also look towards the future without “getting stuck” on any particular part of those areas. This can be applied to absolutely everything in a person’s life.

loveI have also started to let go of stress and things that are out of my control. First – I cannot control other people’s actions or their feelings. As much as I want to help, understand, or shake someone and force them to make the “right” choice (or what I believe is the right choice), I have let this go. I can control me, my emotions, my actions, and my life. I am in control of my life. Second-I cannot control acts of God or nature or series’ of events that cause me to end up in a certain situation. If I can’t control it, I’m not stressing over it. I do the best I can, and I make the best decision in the most as I see fit.

I am in control. Say it. This is so empowering. I have the right to make my own decisions and my own boundaries. I have the right to say no. I have the right to ask for what I want. I have the right to control my stand in a relationship. I have the right to stand up for what I believe in. I have the right to control where my life goes. Feels good, doesn’t it. I put myself into the situations that have hurt me, and I’m not allowing people to do that to me anymore. That doesn’t mean I’m shutting people out, but I will no longer allow another person to have that much control over my emotion. I can enjoy being with people in many different ways, and that doesn’t mean I need to be a hermit. I’m finding the happy medium.

So, I’m going out and I’m doing it. One minute at a time. I have a long term goal, I have short term goals. And they involve me. As awesome as company is when there are fun things to do, I am focusing on me and I can have fun by myself. If I think ‘Oh, that sounds fun.’ I will do it, instead of thinking about doing it. Everything costs money, but what’s money? Just a thing you need to get what you want. I’m making it happen. Priorities.

I want land. I want a horse and chickens, and a bigger place to run my company. Why? To feel fulfilled. To feel important. To be needed. To be happy. That’s my livelihood goal. I want to go see places and learn how to do new amazing things. I want a lifestyle that will support the type of life I want. I thought I had big dreams. My livelihood goal being a big dream, I mean. It is.. But I’m dreaming bigger than that. I want days off, I want vacations, I want ‘getaways’. I want a self sustaining company. I’m paying my dues to make that happen. I see a future, and I’m putting in the time to make it into what I know it can be.

However, I am also seeing the now. I make choices that make me enjoy life today as well. Little things like coffee at the cafe while browsing the internet and listening to music, curled up on the couch in front of the fire reading a book, snowboarding in the gorgeous mountains with people who I enjoy their company, walking my dogs on trail and enjoying just being outside, swimming in a lake throwing a ball for my dog while listening to the birds chirp, hiking and drinking in the beauty of a waterfall, enjoying a meal while watching people in the city, dancing at a club feeling the music, I want it all. I have plans for a few trips this year and I’m doing them for me. I won’t say no if someone wants to join me, but I am going regardless if anyone does.

I am learning to stop worrying about other people. What they are thinking, doing, that’s their business. Worrying about it causes stress and anxiety, and I’m letting it go. It doesn’t matter, and it doesn’t benefit me in the slightest. I live for me. At the end of the day, I want to say I did something with my life. Big things. I lived and experienced. I also want to say I know how to ‘relax’, ‘take it easy’, ‘recharge’. To do this, I’m taking a step back from all the drama and just learning to be.

What’re your goals? How’re you applying this to your daily life?

Getting Rid of Control

realyouI am working heavily with a therapist this week to help me with some of my personal issues. I have done quite a lot of self exploration, and I have one big issue that I really need to work on… Control. A lot of people struggle with wanting to control every little thing in their lives. I want to learn not to. So, I’m practicing this week, and learning more about what I need to do in situations where I would normally get upset, anxious, and try to control the situation.

Some of the things I have done are: plan every single second of the day, ask “what are you doing?”, “who are you texting?”, be over critical of myself, judge myself and others harshly, clean the entire house before I go on vacation because I feel like everything isn’t perfect, feel the need to be right, lack of trust, send myself into panic attacks if things aren’t the way I want them, I don’t listen, I micromanage, I can’t relax, I’m not flexible, and I get jealous.

These are not things I have done in a really long time, yet I’m falling back in to old habits. Why? After talking with my therapist, I’ve pieced this together this week as well. Remember when I broke my foot? I felt I lost a lot of my independence since I couldn’t do anything with my business. I managed my moods fairly well for the first few months, but then when I was up on my feet again, since I still couldn’t do everything, I fell into this weird inner-depression like I’ve never felt before. Not like normal… like I felt I wasn’t good enough in any way. I couldn’t walk properly (limp), and it made me feel weak and ugly and ridiculous. I became very self conscious. I was angry at myself for not healing faster, and it caused me to cycle rapidly and lash out in a controlling way, and fall back into this horrible downward spiral.

I also forgot how to manage my anxiety myself and used my boyfriend as a coping tool. That’s not fair to either of us. I have to re-learn how to handle this without using him as a crutch. That’s not his job, and it’s unfair to him. I have had a few panic attacks this week, and was able to get out of them in a fairly quick amount of time (5-15 min) unlike previously when it may be an hour. I do want his support, but I need to do this on my own too. One thing he does that I really like is when I’m anxious at night, he’ll hold me and hum a song to me. So, when I panicked, I held a dog, and listened to my breathing. I was able to calm myself down and manage it.

I am taking this week to really focus on working through that control and finding peace. I am practicing self-acceptance, reminding myself I’m beautiful and independent. I’m forcing myself to eat, sleep, and breathe through meditation and not letting myself fall into the anxiety-ridden roller coaster ride I have been on in the past. I have a few therapy sessions this week to help me work through everything. I will also be receiving a reiki session from an old friend this week, which is very helpful for emotional healing. I am not planning anything, and just doing what I want, instead of trying to plan every single thing for the day. I’m just winging it… which is foreign to me, but I’m finding it very refreshing.

I am learning to slow down and pay attention when people talk to me, listen to them fully, and absorb the information they are telling me, before I speak. I’m also trying to see the other person’s side of things, so I can understand what they are going through, and how I can help. A few other things I have been doing that I want to stop doing are things like nitpicking/nagging, bringing up the past in a negative way, worrying/stressing over things that don’t matter, and bringing up what if’s. None of those things are productive or healthy. In fact, it’s very damaging to both people. I’m committed to stopping this behavior, and letting these types of things go, and also letting go of the control. I do have a longer list, but those are some of the big ones.

So, this week, I have researched a bunch of ways to help myself become a more balanced person while relinquishing the control, learning to forgive and move on, and letting things go. Basically, learning to be a much more calm individual. I have used essential oils, meditation, physical exercise, healthy thought patterns, a journal about my goals, therapy sessions, my dogs, and using good friends as sounding boards.

Now, these changes need to happen because I have not been handling stress in a healthy way in my life lately. And it doesn’t only hurt me. It hurts the people I love the most. So, the changes need to happen. And this week is all about learning, education, and focusing on my needs to make my goals a reality.