Suffocation

Just when I thought things were getting to the point where I couldn’t take any more, and there wasn’t anywhere to go but up…I get knocked right down again. Hard. Like, I can’t get up, and I have no willpower to continue.

For the first time since this whole thing started, I feel like it isn’t going to end. More and more bad things keep happening. Even itty bitty small things are being monumental. If I drop a dish, or have a dog have an accident in the house right now, I feel like I just might break down, have a panic attack, and I won’t be able to continue living. I somehow have been able to pick myself up every time. I don’t want to get up this time. I just want to stay down so I can’t get kicked down again.

Everything that I try to do is ending in failure. A complete disaster. One bad call after another. Every decision I am making is worst than the last. How do I continue on when I’m making decisions that keep making things worse? There is no right answer. The consequences of those decisions haunt me.

Heather  Hamilton Project K9 Depression Bipolar blog

Shattered Broken Strong

I'm Heart BrokenA world turned upside down.

Everything I have worked for, dissolved. Gone in just one decision.

Plans made, and disappeared.

Dreams shattered. Steps taken back.

Decisions, so many decisions. Make them stop. Just make them for me.

Overwhelmed. Too many feelings. Drug me so I can’t feel them. I can’t take any more. ¬†Make this go away. I don’t care if I’m numb. I don’t need feelings anyway. Lithium, take over from here.

Depressing thoughts accompany me. Envelope me. Feelings of self despair and hate. It’s my fault. I did this. I could have stopped this.

Thoughts of the end start to appear. Myemotional side fighting my logical side.

“You’re strong…” “It wouldn’t take much. Just do it.” “It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” “Just the thought makes me feel better.” “Stand up, you can do it.” “Just go to sleep, don’t wake up and you won’t feel anything” “There is light at the end, I promise”

STOP fighting. It’s exhausting. I can’t think. I can’t breathe. I can’t move.

I stand up, and start again. And I fall again. I can’t seem to keep my balance. I’ll just stay down.

I’m going against the grain already. I’m being pushed back, and I don’t have the strength to stand up again. Just let me lie here. Just for a while. Let me rest and just absorb the punches for a minute.

Don’t ask if I’m alright. I’m not. But then, I have to be. People count on me. Why? What do I have that can help them? There isn’t anything here, move on to the next person. I’m all out of things I can give people. I’m exhausted, drained. Out of service. Go somewhere else.