Tag Archives: exhausted

Burned Out

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I have been going, going, going for far too long. I’m tired, and I rarely enjoy any of the things I can really enjoy when I’m not so tired. I’m just so tired all the time. Things that are fun should be relaxing and help me recharge. But when I’m doing hobbies or trying to unwind, my mind is racing with all the things that I haven’t done.

I am trying to focus on the things I HAVE done instead of everything I HAVEN’T done, which is lot on both ends of the spectrum. I graduated high school with a 3.95 a YEAR early. I graduated college with my Bachelor’s Degree in Computer Science when I was 20. I bought my first house when I was 21. I opened up my own business when I was 24. I was successful and quit my full time job when I was 25. I am a successful business owner and bought my second house when I was 28. I have been homeless (in a sense). I have felt love and heartbreak. I have felt loss. I have felt failure and success. I have seen death and also new life. I have built the life I have now on a dream that I made come true. I am proud. I sacrificed to make the dream come true. I missed out on so much because I was building this. There was light at the end of the tunnel. It’s there, I’m in the light now. My business is self-sustaining and now I have too much business for just one person. I have for quite a while. It’s taken over.

overwhelmedI see it like mint. My boyfriend taught me how to plant vegetables and herbs. I learned how to keep it alive and how to nurture it and meet its’ needs so it can thrive. I learned what a struggle looks like, and I learned to love our plants. Now, back to mint. It’s a hearty plant that takes over. At first, I was worried about it growing at all. I thought I would kill it. So I took care of it, watched over it, loved it. Now, it’s taking over our planter box. I can’t keep up with it. It’s going to take over everything else in the box because it’s just growing all over everything. My business has taken over every area of my life, and now I need to prune it. Trim it back, and let the other areas have a chance to thrive too.

I know exactly what I need. I know what jobs I need help with. But it’s taking the time to train someone else and get them up to speed that takes away even more time that I don’t have. Training directly under me…someone should be paying me to teach them what I had to pay for. I need a student. “Dog Trainer Seeks Apprentice”. Too many have phased out. This life isn’t for them. They can’t handle the stress, or the intensity. It’s too hard, it’s too stressful, and it takes over. Too many people think they want this life, but they don’t. It’s not easy. It’s not playing with puppies all day. It’s mentally challenging, physically exhausting, and emotionally draining. You get attached, then it gets ripped away. You get frustrated when your clients can’t do what you can do. It’s not a realistic expectation for them to do what you do. You have to constantly remind yourself people aren’t being stupid… they just don’t know.

On a personal level, I sometimes don’t feel good enough for the other areas of my life. I feel like I fall short. Like, other people could do a better job than I could. Like I hold them back from better things. I’ve spent too much time building this business-life that I’m retarded in other areas to the point where I will always fail. I don’t voice it because I’m ashamed. Ashamed of not being better. Of not being able to perform as excellently in all areas of my life as I do in my business. I’m a phenomenal dog trainer. I’m an excellent teacher and coach of people who need help with balancing their dog. But balancing my life it seems I constantly fail. I feel like I’m spinning out of the control and I can’t catch the string of my life that is floating away. I’m watching it, but I can’t catch it. It’s going too fast. My lungs can’t get enough oxygen, my muscles are sore, and the space between my fingertips and the string is getting bigger and bigger.

I tried to balance. Work hard, play hard. I scheduled time off MONTHS in advance so I could enjoy a weekend here and there without dogs. One weekend a month. 12 weekends a year, I wanted to enjoy a couple days off. Even if that just means staying home, but only having our dogs. Day hikes, trips to visit my family (It had been 4 years since I had visited my dad at home until June of this year). I’m feeling pretty upset since this probably means I will need to work and miss my boyfriend’s friend’s wedding in Georgia, miss his birthday weekend, miss rock hunting, breathwork energy classes, parties, holidays, family get togethers, hanging out with friends because I’m too tired, camping.. etc.

I need about 4 more people besides myself to run the business where it’s more self-sufficient than it already is. I dream so big that in order for me to do everything, I need 4 people here, and then I need me. I have such big plans and wants in my life that it’s overwhelming for me to think of more than just today. And then when I do, I don’t want to do anything because it’s too much.

I don’t feel good enough. But for me to be better, I need more energy. I feel like I’m failing. I feel like my needs are being met and I’m being selfish. I do my best, but I feel like it’s not enough. I’m not enough, but I’m too much at the same time.

Invisible Battle Scars

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No one can see them. No one knows they are there unless they know you or if you have told them. You don’t want to tell people. You wish it was an external wound, like an amputated leg. Then, you wouldn’t have to explain. You put on a face to hide the scars so you don’t have to talk about it.

Why do we hide it? Are we ashamed? Are we scared someone will ask us how we are? Are we too proud to accept help? Whatever the reason, we do it.

Sometimes, we get so into pretending we’re fine, that we trick ourselves. We tell people we are fine, and actually believe it for a minute. Then, after they are gone, we realize we aren’t fine. Then, the feeling is back, and we are, yet again… alone.

I feel whiney, depressed, and pathetic. A burden to everyone around me. A charity case. No one really actually wants to help, but they do out of a feeling of obligation. They pity you. Maybe this is the depression talking, but that is the reason I have such a hard time accepting help. I don’t feel like anyone would actually want to help me. Why would they want a project friend? I’m broken, and to fix me takes too much work. I try to distance myself. I don’t want to drag anyone down with me. I should do this alone. This road is too dark to bring anyone else along. It would be a disservice to them.

Sleeping. I don’t do this much anymore. However, I fall asleep at the most inopportune times… like at the movies, at the salon when I’m getting my hair done, when I’m trying to work, or when I’m making dinner. One time this week, I fell asleep in the shower.

I don’t want to be this way. But I don’t know how to get up again. I’ve been kicked in the guts, and I don’t have the energy. “Do something for you” means sit around and feel mopey. I don’t want to do anything for me. I don’t want to do anything at all. I do the bare minimum to get me through the day. I’m not living. I’m surviving.

I’ll admit it now. I’m shattered.

Self Inflicted Torture

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I have hit the wall this week. After going 7 months of having 2 jobs, working 60-100hr workweeks, and all the doggy-sitting I have been doing, my brain is finally done.

I ‘crashed’ on Tuesday. I finally was just physically and emotionally exhausted. I needed a recharge. I had some down with some sort of stomach bug, or maybe I was just exhausted, I don’t know. Either way, I stayed home. I should have used this day to rest, but instead, I was too busy worrying about all the work I was missing.

businessnewdaily.com_I feel I do this to myself. I say ‘Yes’ to everything. I want to babysit, I want to foster, I want to train, and sign up for classes and go to socials every Saturday. Rarely do I actually not work when I am home. This past weekend, I had a friend come, and I specifically didn’t work. I didn’t schedule training, and it was really fun. We did all kinds of things. Went to social, watched a movie, ate sushi, saw my parents (while I was playing with my 3 year old niece). Then, the Pittie I’m babysitting was dropped off a few hours after I got back from dropping my friend off at the airport.

I have signed up for an obedience course with Napoleon, a therapy-team course so he can be a registered therapy dog, and a canine theriogenology course. I’m excited for all of them, but I have also registered for a 4 day workshop regarding difficult dogs later in the summer. And I also plan to get my Dog Training Certification this year (was July, but it has been postponed since I registered for this other workshop).

I want to relax, I want to be able to STOP. But, it seems my brain keeps going, even when it is exhausted. So, I’m writing my blog, while listening to calming music on Spotify. It is helping, but my brain is still working. It never stops.

This week, I have broken down and cried 3 times, including today. This is normal for me when I ‘hit the wall’. But, in public, no one will ever know this side of me. I put on a smiling mask when I walk out the door and I’m a happy person.

This.Is.Exhausting. Pretending all the time. But, if I act the way I feel, people will feel pity and sorrow, and I will be judged and talked about, and then receive the unwanted type of attention.

Tuesday, I saw a few clients I really like. The family, and the dogs, that is. Both dogs are showing improvement, though one is more of a project. Normally, I would be excited to see both of these clients. When I don’t want to work, this is a pretty big red flag for me. I came home, and sat in my bed, and just turned my phone on and off for a few hours, then went to sleep.

I turn my phone on and off repeatedly for some reason. I don’t know. It just feels like every time the screen is black, I might miss a notification or an email. And I can’t do that, no-I can’t unplug for a few hours after I get home. I know-it sounds crazy. Maybe I’m crazy? But, I can’t unplug.

OVERWORK

If my husband takes my phone, and the power is out.. it feels like I am trapped, and then I have a panic attack. It has happened in the past, and I don’t want that to happen again.

It feels like I’m torturing myself on purpose. Am I? Sometimes, it’s easy to be comforted by the familiar feelings of solitude while you are depressed.

I’m just.. on the verge of tears a lot these days.. More so than this time last year, I can be sure of. But.. I can’t stop. Because I have clients counting on me, I have work that needs to be done, animals who need feeding, and a husband who is trying with all his might to help me through this. I can’t stop because of all of that. So, I pick myself up, and start it all over the next day.