Tag Archives: feelings

Goodbye, Marshall

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marshallhatLife is a precious gift. It can be taken away so quickly. I hold my family a little closer today, as our sweet Marshall unexpectedly passed away last night. We are devastated, and it still doesn’t feel real. I keep expecting to hear his little feet on the floor pitter pattering as quick as he can to come to me if I called him. He wasn’t sick, he wasn’t old. He was taken far too early. He was one of my best dogs, and the best ‘little’ I have ever had. I never thought I would have a little dog, as I’m into the ‘tough’ breeds. But then Marshall came to me for training and I fell in love with him. I told the family if they ever didn’t want him or couldn’t keep him, that I wanted him. I never expected to hear that a year later, they were moving and couldn’t take him. So without hesitation, I took him and he was immediately a part of my pack. I didn’t foster him, or even try to adopt him out. He just belonged with me. He was an amazing dog, and brought so much happiness to every person he met. I never expected this would happen so soon.

homedepotmarshallWe buried him under a tree in our front yard. He will stay here forever, and bring nutrients to the trees, the soil, and the earth. His body has returned to the planet, and his soul is now on a journey to wherever else it needs to be. He’ll always be with me, and I’ll have all the beautiful memories of him to remember him. I want to remember my bright, happy Marshall. I want to remember all the silly, cute things he did. The house feels very dreary today. Our hearts are breaking, and our souls cry. I wish this didn’t happen.

marshall

I remember the way he would sit or lay on top of the big dogs to stay warm.

I remember how fast he would run back to me when I called him. His recall was always awesome.

I remember how when the other dogs were eating, Marshall would clean up the pieces they missed. No one minds, and he never tries to steal food from out of their bowl.

I remember how he would try to sneakily crawl up underneath the blanket to snuggle on the couch.

Chasing Jane around the loveseat in the living room.

Always walking nicely on or off a leash, never had a problem listening.

When you corrected him for something, he would stare at you with one paw held up.

marshallhorsesWhen he curled up in the big dog beds by himself and his tail was resting on his nose, like he was hiding.

When we all went camping, and he found the sunniest little spot to rest while we were all cooking breakfast.

How everyone who met him instantly loved him.

When I would let him sleep with me in my bed, and he could curl up right behind my knees.

jinxmarshallHow he loved to sit right in between the big dogs’ paws, like he belonged to them.

How he was the perfect size to sit with you and make you feel better.

He wasn’t really ever scared of anything.

He had no issue putting any size dog in their place if they were being pushy or rude.

How he loved to drag around the biggest bone he could find.

That time we went to the Farmer’s Market and Rob put him in his camelback because he was tired.

marshallgrassHow everyone thought he was a puppy.

How he loved people so much, he would just start walking with them.

How he just looked extra cute no matter what he was doing.

His eyes were too big for his face.

The time I took him trail riding, and he kept up with the horses like it was no big deal.

How he was amazing with kids and all other dogs.

He was awesome with all animals. He never tried to hurt chickens, cats, kittens, or even little rats.

He was the ‘Marshall’ of the dog yard. He was named after Eminem, but to me, he was literally a Marshall. An authority figure.

He really was the best dog.

squishesmarshallI’m really going to miss him, the house won’t be the same without him. I only had him several years, but in that time, he left his pawprint there. For such a small dog, he had the biggest presence in the best way. His spunky, happy personality is what I want to remember.

We will build you a little memorial in front of your tree, and plant flowers there in the Spring. You have no idea how many dogs you helped, and how many people were touched by you. You have made a huge impact on the world, and I will never forget you. You can never be replaced. I’ll do my best to keep my chin up and put on the smile, because I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad. In fact, I feel like you would be curled up with me right now, trying to cheer me up.

I love you, Marshall. So much. Be at peace now.

marshalltail

polymarshall

Raw

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In that moment, that’s all there is. There is literally nothing else going on. Nothing else I’m thinking about. In that moment, I’m totally raw, open, expressionless. I do not have anything else I could possibly give. To anyone. Exhaustion is an under statement.

In this moment, I am giving up. No anxiety, no depression, no joy or happiness. I guess one could call his contentment, yet the tears stream down without a word for this emotion. Defeat, maybe? I’m giving up. My tank is empty, fumes are gone. There is literally nothing left. This is the same feeling I had when I was medicated. Nothing.

It’s not like I’m not grateful for what I have, or what has happened. But being grateful also means bringing back the pain. Thinking about how far I’ve come reminds me of what it took to get here. The sacrifices I have made, the mistakes, the choices, the loss.

In this moment, I don’t feel grateful, but I’m not resentful either. I’m just here. I’m just a person with a story like everyone else. The only difference is I don’t want to tell my story anymore. I don’t want to shout it and be heard, I don’t want to figure it out, I don’t want to continue fighting. I surrender because there is nothing left I can give. I sit here silently and remember. I’ll listen to others’ stories and what they have to say, but I don’t want to give my input on how I’m feeling anymore.

I lay down and stare at the wall. The walls hold memories and feelings. The color of the paint, the smell of the house, plans that were made and never carried out, the promises that were said and then forgotten. The decorations, the type of dishes, the furniture, the type of soap in the bathrooms… they all have meaning or a memory. But I can’t bring myself to think about the meaning. Just the words that were said in certain rooms, the memories of things that have happened, and the decisions I made, the events that occurred after.

Reflection is a powerful thing. It can eventually send you into this raw, emotionless state where your body becomes numb. Feelings just don’t happen anymore. You’ve been stripped. The difference is this time, I don’t long for feelings anymore. I don’t just want the pain to stop, I don’t want to feel any of it. Including the joy and happiness. This raw, empty state is where clarity happens. Logic overcomes all emotion because there aren’t any. I want to preserve this state. Feelings aren’t the answer for me. And I want to be in this emotionless, empty state because it doesn’t hurt. I don’t need joy, the price is too high.

I need out of this. I need to get away from the memories and the feelings. The joy and the pain are symptoms of these memories. I don’t want them. Put me into a vegetable state subconscious coma so I can stay here. Void of all feeling.

Heather-Hamilton-Raw

Roll of the Dice

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Have you ever had that feeling where you are so going through so many emotions at once, where you feel like you might puke? A physical response to an emotional problem. That feeling has been coming and going all day.

That feeling like you want to do everything. And at the same time, want to do nothing. You want to change the world with new ideas… but getting out of bed seems like a monumental task.

Or being painfully excited at the same time where you are run down and depressed. A brand new journey is about to unfold and things are changing, growing, expanding… but you can’t seem to mentally get past the fact that you don’t want to do anything at this given moment.

Where something really good just happened, but all you can think about is that one bad thing. Negative feelings always trump positive feelings. It takes 10 good things to make up for 1 bad thing. POSITIVITY… change can happen, it’s not always a bad thing.

You think you are hungry, but really, it’s nausea.  That feeling right before you throw up.

That moment when you wish you were medicated so you didn’t feel so overwhelmed, but at the same time, glad that you aren’t because you want to feel the high. The highs are so worth it.

bipolar_disorder_not_in_control_of_feelingsWhere the only thing you want is the thing you can’t have.

The feeling of loneliness, but at the same time, knowing how much you are loved.

It’s where depression and the manic cycle collide. It’s this black box where everything changes from one second to the next. It’s a spiral of devastation and wonder. A roll of the dice is how much control I have over how I’m feeling. It’s like I’m being controlled by the Game Master in Dungeons and Dragons. He decides my fate. All I can do is act and hope for the best. Roll the dice.

It’s exhausting, and invigorating. Both feelings fighting each other. A battle you can’t control. The feelings come in waves. One after another. The first one may be immense joy and happiness and excitement. The next ,despair, sadness, and depression. A second later, the third hits, and it is determination and drive. The cycle continues through all the emotions. Back and forth until I can’t stand it anymore.

The shaking starts. The fever sets in and vomiting is inevitable. I have no reason to be overwhelmed or overcome by emotion. I should be able to handle it. Why does this happen at the most inopportune moments?

Saying I’m living a roller coaster is an understatement. What is this even called?! Is there a name for this insanity!? Can’t sleep.. so I’m writing.

Life Lessons

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life-lessons-no-school-taughtToday, I feel like I need to sort out some of my feelings based on the decision I had to make recently. Yes, it has been about a month or so, but I’m not ‘over it’. I’m fine for a couple days now, and then I’m caught off guard by someone checking in. “Hey, how’s the training going with Ryder?” “I heard what happened with Ryder…”

So, I’m finding big decision quotes and how they relate to what I’m going through. It’s helping, because I feel like a bigger person for making this decision. Even though it sucks, it was right. I’m having dreams… and I wake up, thinking I’m boarding Ryder, and I actually walk all the way downstairs to the kennel he used to sleep in, and he’s not there. I think if he was actually there, I would check myself into a mental hospital, but that’s’ not the point.

So, here’s to you, Ryder. Because I did what was best.

 

“There must be a few times in life when you stand at a precipice of a decision. When you know there will forever be a Before and an After…I knew there would be no turning back if I designated this moment as my own Prime Meridian from which everything else would be measured.”
― Justina Chen, North of Beautiful

This decision was life changing for me. It changed my personally, emotionally, and it has changed the way I see aggression. It has changed the way I train, and how I interact with people with difficult dogs. And it changes the way I evaluate dogs. I will not set myself or the dog up to fail by taking on a case too difficult for me for my current skill set. I am more reserved as a person, and I have taken a step back from the ‘Let’s go do this’ attitude I usually have.

 

“Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful…” 
― José N. Harris

 “It does not take much strength to do things, but it requires a great deal of strength to decide what to do.” 
― Elbert Hubbard

“When faced with two equally tough choices, most people choose the third choice: to not choose.
” 
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Title is Invisible

All 3 of these quotes represent what I felt like before it happened. This is what I felt when we were weighing the option of rehoming or euthanasia. Waiting on the family to make a decision. Then, the procrastinating to make the appointment. Then, making the appointment and hoping a miracle would happen. Then, after it happened, the healing process. At least I made a decision.

 

“If you always make the right decision, the safe decision,
the one most people make, you will be the same as everyone else.” 
― Paul Arden

I am not the same. And I never will be ‘normal’. My experience with this situation has been life changing, and I will never be the same again, either.

 
“It’s not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What’s hard, she said, is figuring out what you’re willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about.” 
― Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way

I have sacrificed time with my husband, my free time, and my mental health to make this transition. Not necessarily because of Ryder, but he helped me overcome this career obstacle that every trainer needs to go through. And going through this fueled my fire to not give up. I am sad and crushed that it had to come to this, but he is at peace now. I have given up sleep on weekdays, and sleeping in on weekends to be able to switch my career and do what I love. I love my husband for being so patient with me, as when I find something I want, I go for it. I can’t stop. It’s a curse, and a blessing.

So I’m still in the process of grieving. But I’m fine, and I’m healthy, and I will be ok.  I really miss him though. Sometimes, when I don’t have any boarding dogs, I feel like he’s at my house in his kennel. I wake up at nighttime sometimes and hear his bark. A few times, I have really thought he was there.

I’m able to talk about him more and more. People who follow me on my blog, or know me in person, people who love great danes, people who have been interested in hearing my progress with my new career… they ask about him. They sympathize and understand. People who have had aggressive dogs or dogs with mental illnesses have reached out and given me their support.

People who know me know this will haunt me for a while. Out of respect, out of love, out of concern, they won’t say anything, but they are thinking it. And I want all of you to know – I’m ok. I will be fine. Sometimes, I’m a rock. Other times, I’m so fragile, just a caring look will break me. Professionally – I am put together and you will not see this while I am working. Putting on this armor sometimes helps me take my mind off of it.

I write this blog and keep a log of how I feel for a few reasons.

1)       I want people to know I’m human too. I succeed, I fail, I feel. Just like everyone else.

2)      I have a mental disorder I have chosen to not be medicated for. I am an emotionally passionate person with bipolar Type II, so when I feel sad or happy, it’s on either side of the spectrum. When I’m sad, I’m devastated. When I’m happy, I’m annoyingly joyful (ask my husband!) I am living with this. It’s a choice I have made that I am proud of. I can do it without medicine.

3)      I want to help people realize they can do whatever they want. I want to train dogs. I’m doing it. I am changing my destiny and improving my quality of life.

4)      I use this as a therapy tool – it helps to put all these feelings somewhere. I choose to make this public. I am not hiding anything. I write about the good, the bad, and sometimes, the funny. Sometimes, it’s personal. Other times, educational. And occasionally, just downright sad. I  write about my journey. This is what my blog is about.

5)      Education. I do occasionally write educational articles on this blog about dog training. Many people can benefit from just reading about what I go through to learn how to better communicate with their canine friends.

6a0133f351a1fb970b0191030616ca970c-500wiSo, in short. Ask me, don’t ask me. Read, don’t read.  Love me or don’t. But if you get anything from the journey I have taken so far, please – get this: Live and be passionate. Life hurts and it knocks you down, and you are MEANT TO FEEL. So feel!! Crying, being sad, being joyful and being angry are all parts of being human. Embrace this, but don’t let it rule you. Get back up after you have been brought down. Don’t let it stop you from being a great person.

Paranoid

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This quote really describes how I feel right now

Yesterday, I wrote about friendship and about how lonely I am. More and more I am noticing I am intentionally left out or not invited to lunch, to “girl’s night” or just dinner. My husband says it’s because everyone is busy and it’s the summer so people have things to do. Kids are out of school, and everyone is spending family time with each other. Is that true? That hanging out with friends is just not a priority, or is it me? It is because we don’t have kids, so we don’t fit in with this crowd?

I find myself getting ignored, talked over, and being completely forgotten. It’s not only in just one place. It’s at work, it’s with old friends, new friends, at home, in my neighborhood. Am I just blind, and not seeing when some people make an effort?

Again, my husband says that I’m just seeing the bad because I’m ‘in the darkness’ right now. Which is what we call it when I’m having a ‘depression episode’.

Nothing is wrong in my life. No horrible trauma has happened. Normal every day stressors are happening every day, but right now, it feels like every little thing that is going wrong is the end of the world.

For example, my husband asked me today, “You called me to tell me one thing, and now you are freaking out and getting all emotional. What’s wrong – what’s really wrong? Because you are throwing this out of proportion.”

Well, what is wrong…?

Maybe it’s because my neighbor’s sprinkler was flooding our front yard.  A company our neighbor hired went over to talk to them about it and my husband wants to hire them to work on our lawn.

If we hire them, we aren’t going to have any money. We will go bankrupt. We will have to eat ramen and mac and cheese, and we’ll get unhealthy and fat. We’ll have horrible skin and get acne. Then, we can’t afford to feed the animals, and they’ll have to eat normal store-bought food instead of eating raw.

And because we won’t have any money, I will have to get another job and work extra to make more money to make up for all the bills we are skipping. I will have to quit my business and then abandon my dream.

And what about how I feel? My heart won’t stop, I can’t catch my breath, I can’t see straight, and I couldn’t sleep last night because I was crying, and thinking about how no one likes me and really doesn’t want to hang out with me.

What if everyone is just pretending to be nice to me because they are nice people?  Am I that repulsive? Do people really not want to be around me? Well, I think I’m done then. I’m done asking people to hang out. I’m done expecting people to ask me to lunch. I’m done asking if people want to come over and walk their dogs with me or come have a drink. Or watch this stupid Vampire Diaries show, which I have never seen, but I thought it would be fun to do with some friends. I’m done asking people to be friends. I can’t do it anymore.

How do I handle all this? I put on the happy suit and go about my day – hiding my invisible battle. Hiding my feelings and just pretending like everything is ok. Because I have to fake it to make it. Right?

RyderFinally, a paid holiday off. Tomorrow is Independence Day. I’m not looking forward to the kids or the fireworks or the noise. But I am looking forward to no work, no training appointments, and I actually get to do something for myself for once. And I am boarding Ryder – a Great Dane I have been working with. I should really get around to writing an update about him. He is back and forth on progress, but overall, it’s one step forward, ½ step back every single day. Progress is incredibly slow, but he has made significant changes since we started working with him. He is way more balanced. Now that I know more about him since the workshop, I see changes, and I see respect and calm behavior… As soon as he feels he can be disrespectful, he will. Anyway, I will have to write about this later…if anyone cares.

Somebody That I Used to know

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And there I was today. Listening to the radio after my dog training social class this morning on the way home. And a song comes on the radio. Reminding me of a deep, dark feeling I haven’t been able to shake for years. It reminded me of someone I used to know…

My ex boyfriend. The relationship started about 7 years ago. He was… amazing. He was there for me, always. I was there for him, and helped him become a better person. I truly believed we helped each other.  He was… is one of the most selfless people I have ever met in my life. He would do anything to make me happy. And that’s why I ended it.

The feelings I had then – I didn’t know what they were. I had self doubt, hatred, and confusion, but also .. was it love? High school was easy for me. I had a 4.0, and my boyfriend just didn’t. So, I made him my project. I helped him learn the material and better himself academically. He applied himself and really made a difference. His grades came up, and he started enrolling in classes that were above the level of his previous classes. Not to say he wasn’t intelligent – he was… is.  Though, academics and school weren’t important to him then. He really worked hard and graduated with a 4.0, just like I did.

By the time he graduated high school, I was in college. I was taking around 26-30 credit hours any given semester, and focusing on school. My boyfriend took a backseat. Our relationship wasn’t as important as learning all the new material. Eventually, I burned out and needed a distraction. I found a guy at my college who was mediocre in looks, and had a funny personality. So, I thought I wanted to date.

I broke it off with my boyfriend of 3 years. Just like that. Called him up on the phone and said I wanted to see other people. I broke his heart and completely betrayed his trust. I hurt this wonderful person and shattered him into a million pieces. I didn’t realize how much this hurt me until a few weeks later. When I realized the new guy I was dating was a chump. I called my ex-boyfriend and told him my story.

Broken-heart-broken-hearts-6853600-640-582

I didn’t realize what I was doing to him. I was now taking the broken pieces of his mangled heart and throwing them into a blender. Putting all dignity and self-worth he had left into the meat grinder. Even though we had broken up, I felt he was still my best friend and he meant so much to me. Not romantically anymore – I fucked that up. So, out of the sake of our friendship and because I cared so much for this person, I stopped talking to him.

I think a little bit of me died then. I lost not only my best friend and my boyfriend, but a little bit of myself. The blanket of darkness that I had been feeling just closed in a little closer. Hugging me until I couldn’t breathe. I had to stop myself contacting him. I couldn’t do it – because I cared for him so much.

I met my husband in college shortly after this happened. Weeks later, actually. And love began to blossom. I fell in love with this man who stole my heart and helped me forget some of the pain I was feeling. We dated for a few years before actually getting married, and it was wonderful. I love my husband and he is now my best friend.

Though, my ‘person’, if you will, at the time, was my ex. I don’t want him romantically anymore, nor did I when I was dating my husband. But I felt a hole in my heart where his company used to be. It’s never been filled, and it remains dormant and empty. That space cannot be filled by anyone else. I found my ex-boyfriend on Facebook and requested to be friends, which he accepted. We don’t talk – other than ‘Happy Birthdays’.

Recently, I received a strange call while I was training a client’s dog. We were almost finished, and I ignored the call. The number buzzed my phone again. Again, I ignored it. A few minutes go by… and my phone buzzes again. I apologize to my client, and answer the call, my heart beating slightly faster. “Hi Heather… It’s [my ex’s name]…” My heart stopped, and I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t speak. I managed to say hi back, and then silence. It felt like forever. He finally said, “I have something to say, and then I’m going to hang up.” He said that he was sorry. He was sorry for not being there, and for all the mistakes he made. He said he wants me to forgive him. And then he hung up.

Now, because I’m prisoner to my demented thinking process, I immediately thought he was going to try to hurt himself. I couldn’t let that happen! I tried finding his family, calling my mom to find any shred of old family contact information we had. There was nothing I could do. I cried and called my husband and told him what happened. No one could calm me down. I was a tornado, a spiral of out of control feelings.

About 40 minutes later, he calls me back and we …chat. I tell him I’m mad at him for making me worry, and cry on the phone. He said he didn’t mean to scare me, and that he was doing a self-improvement program. One of the things he had to do is close loose-ends. One of those was with me. He wanted to be friends again, and understood if we couldn’t. I don’t feel this happy often. It was like I was at Disneyland! Of course I wanted to be friends!! I was excited to meet his new girlfriend, and he was excited to be reconnected. It was a joyous day and I couldn’t contain my excitement! We discussed setting up a date where we could meet each other’s significant others and have dinner. He ended the call saying he would be in touch in a few days.

A week later, I still hadn’t heard anything, so I texted him. Nothing. A week later…still no answer. So, I logged on Facebook to check to see if he had messaged me or posted on my wall. He had unfriended me. I have been cut off.  This person who marched back into my life after 5 years of no contact. He’s just gone. Again.

sadness-of-winter-1

Credit to Chris Works

Now… to deal with the pain, the guilt, and the betrayal. I have come to the conclusion that it’s really over. The relationship, the feelings, the guilt. The friendship is over. As painful as this is, I have to accept it. I don’t know how many people really feel this way about their ex. Someone who was so special, but in a deeper way than just a boyfriend, or just a friend. It was like he was a part of me. That part is dead. That part of my heart will not grow back or be filled, and there is just an empty void left to fill the blackness.  He’s now just somebody I used to know.

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Lyrics (If anyone is interested)

[Gotye:]
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

[Kimbra:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I’d done
But I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

[Gotye:]
But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know