The last 2 months have been about working through some deep rooted issues I’ve never addressed. Until now. I’m healing wounds that were never truly healed, but I put a band aid on them, and hoped they would go away. I never stitched them up. So now, those wounds have turned into scar tissue, and I need to reopen the wound, and heal it the right way this time.
Trust is a big one. I have a hard time trusting anyone fully, but much more so in a relationship. When I finally opened up and was given a reason to trust implicitly, it was thrown back in my face and I was brutally reminded of why I don’t put my heart out there in that way. I can love, sure. But to give everything I have, to trust so blindly, to be unguarded was something I always wanted, and I did that. I saw everything I wanted to see in a person. I saw all the good, all the possibilities, the future. I saw a fairytale. I saw adventure, happiness, overcoming obstacles, and a happy ending. But it was a dream. Fairytales don’t really exist. I wasn’t living in reality. Reality is I’ll never have that because it just isn’t true.
If I were to find that again, I would immediately think it’s just another dream, and that I need to get out so I don’t feel the way I do again. I would do everything in my power to escape. I don’t want to be tied down, committed, or have anyone holding me back from reaching my personal goals. I’m making plans with myself. People can come and go, but I don’t want to change my plans ever again. At least right now.
I see the devil in everything. I see hidden motives, hidden agendas, lies, manipulation, mistakes, stories, and I know everything isn’t as it seems. I wanted to see the good, and in doing so, I was blind. I’m now blinded by all the bad, and don’t believe there is anything which is just good anymore. There is always a consequence, or another shoe to drop. There is no pure truth. Everyone has a motive for their own personal gain. There is no selflessness, true love, or compassion towards another person without first wanting something for themselves. The “what do I get in return” question is always right around the corner.
Most people don’t even know they are doing it. And it’s not my responsibility to teach them. This is something they need to learn on their own. So, I’m playing the game now. I’m changing my agenda. I’m not doing anything for anyone unless there is also a benefit to me. This is different than I’ve always done it. I would give the shirt off my back for people. Not anymore. I’ve been taken advantage of, beaten down, and stepped on too many times. It’s my turn to focus on what I want. Which is to start over and work on building my business in a new location.
Focusing on me. I’m taking a break from the deceit of other people, and I am focusing on my business and on my own needs. I’m moving. I have listed my house, I found a new place, and the ball is rolling. This is actually happening. I have fixed up my house mostly by myself, but I had some help from friends and family. Especially with replacing my flooring. I removed my carpet and put in laminate. A new friend helped me with the hard parts. I resurfaced concrete, repainted, repaired stucco, replaced drywall, mudded and textured, replaced a doggie door, rearranged my furniture, cleaned like a mad woman, and my house is finally coming together. I have never done any of these projects before, so I’m very proud of myself. I didn’t slow down business wise, and I have no plan to. I just changed the way my goals are being met in my life.
This is not the way I saw this going down, but it is what it is. I don’t want to make plans with people anymore. I don’t need new people in my life, I don’t want to make commitments. I want to just focus on what I know – which is my business. I’ll make this my life once again, but I won’t hurt anyone in the process this time. Last time, I chose my business over my marriage. Last time, I tried to include my boyfriend in my business. This time, I’m choosing me.
Round Three. Fight!