A Little Ray of Hope

FreedomI just LOVE it when I get REALLY good news! Life changing good news!

Though I’m not ready for a public announcement, it is still exciting, and I wanted to share.

Good feelings, good plan, and a great prospect for the future. It will still take a while to ‘brew’, but I see good times in this happy future!

Still a lot to do, and still a ways to go, but now, I see a light at the end of the tunnel. This little light is hope. Hope that was trapped in the blackness of uncertainty and difficult never-ending challenges.

But now, I have seen that hope, and it’s giving me the drive to keep going for the time being. Today, I am at peace. What a good day.

Endless Spiral of Emotions

Sometimes, even after having a good day, the day was bad.

I’m going to try to use my ‘I feel words’ as my therapist liked to say…

I feel like nothing.

I feel like everything inside me is breaking.

I feel like I shouldn’t exist on this world.

I’m a waste of space and resources.

I’m not good enough.

I can try to be the best I can be, but I will never amount to anything.

I just want the world to ignore me. Just let me be. Don’t bother talking to me.

I feel alone in the whole, wide world. Just let it eat me.

I feel like inside, I am dying. In my head, I’m drowning. It won’t end though. It’s like I’m undead inside, so the pain continues. Forever.

It won’t stop. It’s a monster inside me, laughing while I am drowning in my own sorrow.

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http://quotes-lover.com/picture-quote/i-was-once-sad-and-lonely-having-nobody-to-comfort-me-si-wore-a-mask-that-always-smiled-to-hide-my-feelings-behind-a-lie/Yes, I know people love me. Yes I know I will be missed if I cease to exist. Yes, I know some people will be angry for me writing this. I KNOW. But that doesn’t make the pain go away. It doesn’t make it any easier.

It’s hard to talk. It’s hard to breathe. A weight is just pushing me down into the ground, and no one notices but me. I still have to put on my happy face and ‘be ok for society.’ because people don’t know how to handle someone who is suffering internally.

I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to read, or eat, or play a video game. I just want to do nothing. So instead, I’m typing this. Somehow, it seems to help. I’m forced to do something. So, the tears fall, and I type.

What started this today?  The feeling of realizing how much farther I have to go, and how big my dreams really are. How much work I have ahead of me. Realizing how much life I have to live with. My life isn’t even near being over. I have so much left to live. ‘You are young, you have time’ they say. No one realizes this means the shadow over me just got even bigger. It seems like it won’t ever end. Because if I keep on living, so will this monster, this cancerous thing inside me. It was hungry, so it took what little happiness I had, and ate it. Now, It feels like I’m back to my ‘normal’ self – empty.

The pain, the feeling of being alone, the dealing with it, the breathing, the studying, the working, the…the living. And then, I feel guilty for thinking that way. Because my friends and family wouldn’t want me to think that way. So, now, I’m feeling hopeless and guilty. Great. Just one more thing. I can’t handle all these negative emotions. And to ‘think positive’ on top of it all. It’s all just too much. Wow.. there’s the emotion I was missing… overwhelmed. Fucking wonderful.

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And I get to do it all again tomorrow…

Good Day

Had a pretty good day so far. It all starts by how I wake up. I woke up a few minutes before my alarm this morning, and got ready for my doggie social class. I was going to a different class today, as the dog I normally take was neutered on Thursday. He’s not ready to up and around yet. Class went well, BIG CLASS today. I LOVE big classes!

Me and NapoleonThere were 3 Great Danes in class today, and Napoleon made friends with one of them. They played the whole time, and made the ache of getting a dane come back. A lady in my neighborhood is going to be having Dane puppies in May, and I’m interested, but not quite sold yet. I don’t have a lot of information yet. I have a ton of questions to ask, and I want to make sure I get a healthy puppy. I don’t so much care about show lines or whatever, but I just want to make sure mom and dad are healthy.

I was able to talk to the head trainer about some concerns I have been having with Napoleon and the crating. He is crate-trained, because he knows the command, goes in no problem, and lays down immediately.

It was a nice day today, so my husband and I took our motorcycle out and have lunch. It was a great day, and I love having a mini-date when we can. We came home, and then worked on my website.When we are gone, I have nanny-cammed him before, and he is perfect. Just goes to sleep, or chews on his bone. But if we are home, he whines, and has a high-pitched migraine-inducing bark. …nonstop! I have waited for hours before.  All the techniques I have used with other dogs-not working for my boy! So, my trainer recommended I try out a bark collar. I haven’t used one before, but this will be good. I’ll get to learn how to use one on my own boy, and learn the proper way to use it. The goal is to eventually not use it all. I will be giving this a try.

It’s finished! Yay! Pawsitive Dog Training. I’m pretty happy with the outcome, and I can happily say I am very proud of my work. Finally finished, and I’m happy with the logo my friend made for me. I’ve been through countless logos, including another one my coworker made for me for free. None of them were… simple enough, or didn’t fit my business model. I found one I can use for anything, and that’s exactly what I have been looking for.

So, now, I’m off to play some video games, and drink more coffee. Yum! Have a great weekend, all!