RIP Napoleon

Nappy and Heather

July 2013

My stomach is in my throat, and tears stream down my face as I’m grieving the loss of one of my oldest partners. Napoleon was my first dog, and my sidekick for the last 7 years. He helped me see the love of training dogs and helped me make the dream of owning my own business a reality. He was my demo dog for my clients and my service dog for working through PTSD. He taught me to be softer and how to ‘wait’ for what I wanted rather than to increase the amount of pressure I was applying. He taught me to trust, and he taught me what the human-dog relationship was all about.

The loss of my dog is that of the same as a loss of a child. An innocent, pure soul who we helped become something in the world. My heart is broken, but I feel it all throughout my body. Words are hard to form, and it’s difficult to get anything done. To find the motivation to even move or talk. This is a deep, deep loss and it feels like I left a little piece of heart in the vet’s office.

Milkbone NappyNapoleon lived with my mom since I broke my foot at the beginning of April ’15. She fell in love with him, just like everyone who met him. He was an amazing friend, and I enjoyed doing everything with him. He was an “American Dream Dog” as one of my client’s described him. After he had some training, he always listened, he was spot on with every command, he was 100% off leash reliable, and was polite with other dogs. I used that example with a lot of my clients because I believe any dog can be your “American Dream Dog” once you achieve this type of relationship with them. This won’t take the dog out of the dog, or change who they are.

I feel I have this type of relationship with all my dogs, but the one I had with Napoleon was different and special because he taught me this was possible. He taught me about living a life with a dog is one of the most fulfilling adventures. He was the reason I was introduced to Heather Beck from K9 Lifeline, and that started my entire journey on the path to becoming a dog trainer.
He stuck with me through flooding in my brand new house, the journey of me figuring out how to handle my PTSD, anxiety, depression, and my bipolar swings. He was there when I needed to get away from the world. He always greeted me like I was the best thing since sliced bread. He went through my divorce with me. I used him to help with evaluations and dogs who needed help. I used him as an example for nutrition, obedience, and behavior stories.

CGCnappyJust like all dogs, he has all kinds of happy, silly stories. I’m trying to remember them all, but the hurt is too much right now. Give me time. I feel this in my bones. My muscles hurt everywhere,  my head is going to explode, and my heart is in pieces. I hurt everywhere and all I want to do is sleep. But I have to be strong. The world keeps turning, and he wouldn’t want me to shut down. So, I’m working. Slowly, but I’m doing what needs to be done, and I’m teaching. I may break down in front of everyone, but I’m not stopping.

I don’t hide how I feel very well because it’s exhausting and takes way more energy than just being honest. So I’m being honest. My heart is broken and I’m on a roller coaster of emotions. I’m raw and fragile and I’m not a rock. I can’t be anyone’s rock for a while. I need to take care of me, and I promised I would be strong.

dirtynappyIf I didn’t make the decision, he would hang on as long as possible to be there for me, and he would be happy about it until the very end, regardless of how he felt. Rob told me Nappy would tell me when he was ready, and so I made the decision that as soon as I “heard” that, I would make a decision and I wouldn’t waiver. So, on Saturday night, he showed me. It was really hard all day watching him, and that night, it was unmistakable. I didn’t know if I would see him again when we went to sleep. I made the decision I would call as soon as everyone had a chance to say goodbye.
NappyHappysept2015This dog was very special, and helped me get over a lot of baggage. And maybe, he did his job. He helped me release a lot of things I was hanging onto and taught me how to handle emotions a little better, how to let things go a little faster, and how to teach everything I learned to others. And I absorbed that information, so his job was done and now it was time his soul went elsewhere and helped others learn.

I don’t believe in a Heaven or Hell. I don’t believe in God or Satan. I believe that when we die, pieces of our souls go where we are most needed. Usually to another broken soul, or to a new life. Napoleon has a pure, happy soul. He helped me realize I am also in charge of my own happiness, and external influences shouldn’t affect my happiness. I am in charge of my state of mind, and I can fight anxiety, frustration, anger, and sadness. I can choose to be happy. Right now, I am choosing to grieve the loss of my friend. Don’t worry, Poly, I’ll be happy again.

I miss you so much, and I’m so happy you chose me for a few years to teach me everything. I’m lucky to have had you in my life. You’re so special, and I hope your soul finds peace and happiness wherever it goes.

I love you, buddy.

Nappy 2013

December 2013

Walks of Life

As I sit here, bundled up for warmth in all my heavy clothes and blankets in the loft of my friend’s tack room, I caught myself thinking about the paths of life. How do we all end up where we do? What choices, traumas, and sacrifices did we have to go through to get where we are? And why do some people seem to never ‘grow up’?

I’ve been contemplating this since yesterday, and it seems it’s because of what they have had to go through and what they learned in those experiences. It doesn’t always mean that person is going to come out the other side with good morals, understanding, love and patience. Sometimes it means they will come out hardened and unwilling to ever let anyone in again for fear of getting hurt. It’s an effective defense mechanism, can’t argue that as I have also been in those situations and chosen that path at one point or another. Sometimes, the experience they went through is incredibly strong to them, but not to others. What others’ think of them starts to weigh, and then they think they are being ridiculous and their self esteem drops because no one understands. Something so small can trigger a change and start to form a behavioral pattern of choices. This is how the individual starts to cope with stress, trauma, anxiety, things they don’t understand, and others’ emotions. Instead of being sympathetic, they may be condescending, or avoid it altogether. All this does is cause more and more damage. The root of the problem is never being addressed, and it will continue to build up until a change is made. History has a tendency to repeat itself until we learn how to change it. I’m always trying to change mine.

chakraSo, circling back around to my current situation. I have been a ‘gypsy’ for most of the year, and have been relying on friends’, family, and calling in every favor possible for the last few months. I have been scammed, hurt, defeated, stolen from, emotionally abused, lied to, conned, broken, and totally let down at every corner. So, what is my pattern? When did this start? How can I change my path? The common denominator is me. Not what others have done to me. Why do I attract this type of attention? I want to be in a stable environment, I want to calm down my life, and I want to get back to business as usual, and above all, I want to attract more positive, happy energy. For now, I’m being emotionally still. I don’t have many clients this week, nor dogs coming to me for daycare, boarding or training, so I’m taking the time to be still and observe and listen to what the universe is trying to tell me. What lesson am I meant to learn here?

It’s been on my mind lately for a variety of different reasons, but I think this is what I need to work on in order to achieve the happiness/positivity goal I really want in my life. Calming down my energy instead of letting it boil over and affect everyone else seems so daunting because I don’t know how yet. I’m just learning how to contain and balance all my chakras, which is very hard when I’m in the thick of it. So, I’m relying on my healer friends to help direct me to balance and teach me how to protect myself from others’ energies, but also how to help others and their own if I can. I don’t do energy healing work, but I’m a huge believer in the fact they do exist, and you can pick up toxic energy from anywhere. With the type of personality I have, I do pick up everyone else’s, especially the people close to me. I take it all, and I don’t know how to release it. This is my responsibility to learn how to do this to protect myself. I’m learning about shielding and which of my chakras get out of balance most regularly. When I found out, it didn’t surprise me. I was beaten down, hurt, and my baggage was too heavy. Since I don’t know how to remove the weight, it affects my psyche. I want to learn to clear this.

I have been conditioned to not trust, to be guarded, to expect disaster at some point (waiting for the other shoe to drop type attitude), and to focus on other peoples’ problems besides my own because it doesn’t hurt as much. I expect to get hurt at some point. Not just talking about relationships, but actual experiences. I take it all until I can’t anymore, and then I break down and collapse. I get back up, and I do it all over again. Which makes me strong because I don’t give up. I don’t know how, literally. I have to keep going, and I have to keep moving forward in all things. My experiences have taught me to keep going, but instead of at breakneck speed and looking before I leap, I’m cautious and more guarded and flighty than I’m used to. I take a step closer, and timidly take a step back for fear of losing it. Every time, I get a little closer, but in my experiences, every time, it’s ripped from me. So, I’m going in with an emotional arsenal. The Heather Militia, my boyfriend so lovingly named it, hehe. I could, again, lose this. So, if I do, I’m not doing anything without a fight. So, I’m emotionally preparing for war, I guess. And to me, that means the calm before the storm.

Here’s To You

 

Moab Utah

Bowtie Arch, Moab, Utah
3/12/2016

Sometimes, it feels like the stars align in just the perfect way where you can’t believe things happened so perfectly. Careful though, this is not to be confused with a fairytale. Those don’t exist, and usually seem great until they come crashing down at some point. As I have said before, I’m choosing the way I want to live my life. I want to see amazing things, I want to put forth the very best I can, and I want to be happy. I want the hard parts too, because challenges and obstacles are what make us into who we are. Where I am now, I don’t need much to be happy. Which also makes me happy knowing that. I’ve worked so hard to develop the tools I have now to feel the way I do. I came from dark emotional alleys and dangerous gullies flooded with toxic thoughts. It’s taken so much time, effort, and a shit ton of sacrifice to pull myself out. But once I did, I’ve realized what is important, and what are distractions.

Every single day is a new opportunity to do better, be stronger, learn more, and grow. I feel I have done so much growing in the last several years, and it’s turned me into the person I am today. However, to grow much, you need to lose much. I have lost, I have hurt, I have been broken, and I have made mistakes that were costly. Yet, I have lived. I have so much more I want to do, and have so many dreams I want to fulfill. Failures are how we grow. I’ll keep making mistakes, and I’ll fail sometimes, and I’ll be ok with it. I’ll recover and move on. It makes me stronger, and I learn from them.

The situation and the experiences I have gone through in the last few years have been all over the map on the emotional scale. I lost myself. I learned to find it quickly, because I didn’t have a choice. I move fast, I don’t look back, and I heal fast. There isn’t another way. Life is too short and too precious to waste time on things that aren’t going to help us grow. The challenging part is figuring out what those things are.

I believe the soul is a muscle. We all have broken spirits in different ways from different things, and unless we truly want to devote the time and energy into strengthening and healing them, we can’t progress or feel true happiness. The journey of self discovery and self awareness started years ago. I didn’t realize it, but every choice I made brought me here. I look back and see what I’ve done, what I’ve been through, and where I’m going, and I am proud. I am humbled by the mistakes I have made, but I don’t regret anything because it has gotten me to where I am today. I love my life, and I love where I’m going. I have learned to pick myself up no matter what happens, and continue on. I am my own keeper, and I control my life.

There are parts that are uncertain or stagnant, but that’s ok. There are parts that are kind of shitty, and that’s ok too. And there are parts that are fucking incredible, which I like to think are the rewards. I have faith, love, and happiness in my life, and I will never stop giving 100% to everything I do. The reward of this is too great to do anything less.

So, here’s to you, Life. Thanks for all you do, and giving me the opportunities I have. To the mistakes I’ve made, to the rewards, to the learning, and to the failing. I don’t plan on stopping any time soon, nor do I plan on slowing down. Give me all you got, I want it all.

And just because I want to put some beautiful pictures I took of Moab in my post. Enjoy 😉

Moab, UT

Slickrock Canyon, Moab, UT
3/12/2016

Can’t Stop

I refuse to give up. I think it will literally kill me. I go a long time staying strong, but there comes a point when I just get too tired. I’m burned out. I feel I’m doing everything and hitting wall after wall. I’m still sitting here, trying to keep it together. But at what point do you throw in the towel and say it’s not worth it? When I’m dead.

I don’t know how to give up. I don’t know how to turn off. Life is hard, and this is what makes us men…or whatever. This is what separates the strong from the weak. And I’m continuing to fight until I am dead because I don’t know another way. I’ll keep swinging because I can’t make myself stop. If I give up, I’m beaten. I won’t be defeated. I don’t know how to lose.

It’s just not in me. I have to follow through. I don’t just leave things unfinished. This chapter isn’t finished, and as hard as it is, tomorrow is a new day. Right now, I can feel this awful feeling of not knowing what’s going to happen, and feel like I’m failing. Worry, stress, and defeat. But is it just because of my situation or an event that happened today? I feel it’s the repeating pattern over and over again of loss. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Am I doing that, or should I just hang in there? I’m not making any decisions while I’m sitting her in this mood, that’s for sure.

I’m not giving up. But I’m going to bed. Tomorrow I have another shot. Tomorrow, I start over. Sleep is the world’s reset button. Turning it on and off can sometimes fix the problem, right? Another dog training term is ‘Trust the process’. It doesn’t happen overnight, and there are times when the fight gets worse before the dog reaches acceptance. Is that what this is? I want to believe it is. Goodnight, World.

dream

Love Yourself

“If I loved myself truly and deeply, would I let myself experience this?”

“If you’ve had a thought once, it has no power over you. Repeat it again and again, especially with emotional intensity, feeling it, and over time, you’re creating a groove, a mental river. Then it controls you.”

“The goal here is to create a groove deeper than the ones laid down over the years – the ones that create disempowering feelings.”

These are all quotes from Kamal Ravidant, “Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It”

painPeople who are going through a trauma, or a change, or trying to self improve know who they want to be, but usually they don’t know HOW to do it. How do I be better? Willpower. That’s how. Set goals. Stick to them. Oh, ok. Well, that’s easy…not.

Any action you do can either move you towards or away from your goals. Does this decision help me? How? I used to have self destructive patterns where I would fall into depressive emotional loops for days at a time. How did I stop? I literally refused to do it again. I refused to shut down and give up. Right, but how?

Find a thought. A goal. And stick it in your head. And repeat it. Over and over again. Every time you start down that path, say it out loud. Again and again, even if you don’t believe it. That’s what Kamal did in his book and that’s what I did. I refuse to let stress take over and send me back into those depressive, destructive ways. Those thoughts don’t have a place in my head anymore. Literally, I push them out. Ok, BUT HOW?! Willpower. I focused on that one thought. I made a deep, powerful vow to myself, just like Kamal did. One really late night, I just realized what I needed to do. It just came to me.

My thought was: “I am in control of my own state of mind. I will not let anyone or anything control how I feel or how I act. I am in control of my own life.”

I said this to myself a few times, and then I believed it. My brain works fast; it heals fast, it thinks fast, it works fast. It was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders immediately when I started to believe this. I felt free. Peaceful. What is, is. What will be, will be. I don’t control anything besides myself. I let everything else go. Just like that. For the first time in my life, not having any control doesn’t give me anxiety or fear. It just is. I just control my own feelings and my own actions. Nothing else in the world is as important as this. It is empowering to have this feeling, but not in a powerful “I can do anything” way. But more in a tranquil, carefree, zen-like way. I observe others without judgment, I listen without wanting to add my own stories, I enjoy each moment without worrying about what is going to happen or what others think. I just be, and I feel like my soul is a silent lake. No fish under the surface, no ripples, totally still without any interruption. I appreciate the little things more, and see how absolutely amazing the world is and how beautiful every person is.

“Memory is not set in stone. The more you remember something, especially if it’s emotionally charged, the more you will reinforce the pathways connecting the neurons.”

This also goes into something I have learned from years of therapy. Let yourself feel it. The emotions that are brought up in a memory shouldn’t be fought. Let yourself feel those emotions, and then let them go. Cry, be angry, be sad, scream, feel the anxiety, and let it pass. Don’t fight it, just let it go and move on. Take the time, every time (dog training reference). Take the time to understand the feelings, process them, and then ACTUALLY let them go. This is how we grow. Don’t fight or hide them. Fear and fighting always make it worse. Face it, and overcome the emotional block. Think about the emotions, the blocks, the challenge or whatever it is that is handicapping you, and ask yourself if it is real. Most of the time, it is our mind making it into something much bigger than it is. Let yourself take a step back and see the problem, then make a decision. Don’t get caught up in the ‘I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what’s going to happen’ trap. Make a decision and move forward, or you will be in the same destructive pattern, and you won’t ever let go or process. Things don’t ‘just happen’ or ‘work out’, that’s not how the world works. When the mind is left to itself (dog training reference again), it repeats the same stories, memories and thoughts. Most of the time, these don’t serve us and get us stuck in yet another loop. Get out of the loop. The only way to get out is to fully commit with as much intensity as you can to your truth. Or your vow. Or whatever it is.

Easier said than done, but if you really want to change, you can do this. Set your goal, repeat it. Believe it. It worked for me, and I love myself. I love my life, and I love the world I live in. Because I choose to.

What Is Love?

soulbeautyI love everyone. Every single person I come in contact with is loved by me in some way. I choose to see the good in people. I choose to see beauty, and I see that everywhere I go. I see that in the mountains outside my house, the stars in the sky at night, in the personality of my dogs, and in the mechanics of my car. I choose to see beauty in absolutely everything. In people, I see their physical looks of course, but more importantly, I feel I can see the beauty of their soul. I start talking to people, and in just a few seconds of meeting them, I see them radiate their own special aura of beauty. I see their personality shine through when they speak, smile, work with their dog or interact with their family. And to me, every person is incredible and beautiful in their own unique way.

In the people closest to me; my friends and family and my clients, I have a very special opportunity to get to know them a little better. And in doing so, I get to know what makes them tick a little closer. I get to know their strengths, their weaknesses, and their fears. In working with my clients’ dogs, I build a sort of very personal relationship, and I do see habits and personalities that some of their closest friends don’t even notice. And I love this part of my job. I can help people with those weaknesses and build confidence, which is empowering to them. I see it and it brings me joy when the concepts click and they are proud of themselves. That is one of my very favorite parts about my job. That’s one of things that makes me tick.

With some of my clients, I become friends with them. I start to care about their families and what they are doing on a daily basis with their dogs. More so than just on a professional level. I try very hard to make sure boundaries don’t get crossed. Just like a therapist and their patient, it’s important to not encroach on their patients’ personal lives. I have met some of my very best friends through my career, but it’s always friend or dog trainer in those moments. I go into a zone on either one. This has taken some practice on how to “turn off” either side.

I am a transparent person. I never lie (I’m not very good at it anyway), and I expect the same from my clients and the people in my life. When I am lied to, it deeply damages my soul, and my ability to see the beauty in people. I have been lied to, betrayed, hurt, and broken in the darkest of ways. Repeatedly. So, my soul isn’t as beautiful as it used to be. It has pockmarks and scars throughout. Once again, I feel as if my soul is dark and twisty and broken.

I’m looking past the scars and sometimes gaping wounds of my clients when they come to me for help with their dogs, so I’m trying to look past my own. I won’t hide, I won’t retreat. I’ll just keep going and give the wounds time to heal. The wounds that other people keep inflicting on me. I protect myself, but eventually I get tired, and let my guard down. Then I get clubbed with ugliness and evil. I always get up, but I take on these new battle scars each time.

Regardless of my battle scars, I will never stop loving deeply, or seeing the beauty in every person I meet. No one can take this from me. I will always get up eventually. And no one else is in charge of my feelings but me. I choose to be happy, I choose to be in control of my emotions and my state of mind.

Sometimes, in helping another person through some of their problems, I heal a little bit of me. Sometimes, being broken in company is the best kind of remedy. I helped someone release a little bit of emotion today. And it made me see how absolutely beautiful they were. A little later in the same day, she was there for me when I needed to be healed. I’m hoping it did the same to her, as it did to me.

beauty

Today, I faced one of my biggest fears. I haven’t been inside of a church willingly in over 10 years. Walking up to the doors of the church took me 2 tries. I stalled and answered a phone call first, and then took some deep breaths, accepted it was going to hurt… and then let it go and moved on. And I walked in. I got a little nervous again walking down a long, narrow hallway with closed doors on either side. I felt very claustrophobic, but I kept walking. I just focused on my breathing, and how this is for a good cause. I needed to do this. I got to the end of the hallway and reached my destination. I felt a huge sense of accomplishment for just a few seconds. And then I realized where I was.

I was attending a client’s funeral. I was invited to attend this intimate event and robinjablonmourn the loss of this client with her family and friends. She was an incredibly beautiful person, and the way I remember her, she was always smiling and had a warm, inviting presence. She was there for me in my own time of loss, and was incredibly supportive. Nothing but loving energy from her, telling me everything will be ok, and that I’ll become stronger from my trials. She said she would pray for me, and that I deserve all the happiness in the world. I truly believe she meant that when she told me that, and I felt a sense of peace.

I helped her with her dog for about a year previously, but as she started to get sicker and sicker, her dog sensed that and became more and more possessive. I didn’t put together the dots on this until later, so we did more sessions, and I helped her with confidence and leadership building, but we weren’t making much progress. It was shortly after our last session that she was diagnosed with brain cancer. It was around midnight in early December that she messages me on my business page. She said she had a brain tumor and was losing her vision, and was so scared of death. She didn’t know what to do, but she felt like she wanted to reach out to me, that we had a connection and she wanted to tell me. I felt deep sadness for her, and I wish I could have teleported to where she was to hold her and give her the type of energy she gave me in my time of need.

I wanted to remember this client as the beautiful soul she was, so I didn’t want to see her in the open casket. I could still see her face, and the top of her head. And even though I didn’t go up to see her closely, she was radiant. She was beautiful, even while sleeping eternally. And she was loved deeply. Everyone had such wonderful things to say about her, and it made me think about her husband and her family a lot. They had such touching words to share about him as well. “Her boys were her greatest accomplishments”, “Her family was the best gift she could ever receive in this life”, “She loved her family with all her heart”… And then the things they were saying about her husband. “He gave her the life she always wanted, and she lived it to her fullest”, “He was the perfect husband”, “Not once did I ever hear her complain about him, or say you two had an argument”, “You were her best friend and treated her with such kindness”, “Billy, you were her guardian angel. She always did like the thrill rides and did scary things at 59 like white water rapids”, “Billy, she’s waiting for you in Heaven”. I’m not religious, but these words got me more than anything else said. I am very spiritual, and when I die, I hope someone is saying those things to my partner. Life is too short and precious. I want my life to be filled with beauty and love. This was a bittersweet reminder of what I have been missing.

It also got me thinking to what I would do if I suddenly died. What’s most important to me, and who? Who deserves to make decisions for me in death? What type of service do I want? Let’s be clear. I don’t want to be buried in an expensive box. I want to go back to the Earth. Let me decompose and be born again into a tree. I want to be part of the beauty that is this world. I want my friends and family to bring their dogs to my service. I don’t want sad music or churches. I want to have a gathering of everyone I love (which, as I said…is everyone) come and talk about silly, funny, happy stories about my life. Tears are fine, but I want people to be more happy than mourning. I want my dogs to be taken care of by people who love them as deeply as I do. I want my business to be sold to someone who has a passion for training and teaching, or be shut down and have the money go towards my friends and family who have helped me get to where I am (“am” meaning at my time of death).

So, to conclude this very long blog post, I am choosing to be happy. I am in charge of my life and how I feel. I choose to see beauty in everyone. I hope that this blog post finds everyone healthy and happy, and if not, choose to see the beauty in the world. It won’t show itself to you unless you are receptive enough to pay attention. Be mindful of the world and its’ energies and make it a better place. CHOOSE to be happy. CHOOSE to see beauty. Only you can make this happen for yourself.  Be the change you wish to see in the world. Those words were never as clear to me as they are now. It’s like I’m hearing them for the first time.

bethechange

Emotion Overload

iloveyouIt’s getting closer to my close date. And more hours on the phone with realtors, , the bank, and lenders, different cities to learn about their city ordinances. Then, in my spare time between that and working dogs and calling clients back, I’m packing and moving my things into storage. I’m looking at the silver lining in everything, and I’m really focusing on the positive things. I have a place to live temporarily until I can figure out my next steps. I’m allowed to have all my dogs, and run my company. That’s a huge relief. I’ll feel better once my current house is closed too.

loveconquersI’m handling all the emotions of leaving the place I called ‘home’ for so long. It doesn’t feel like home anymore. It hasn’t for quite some time. For months, really. It’s like it’s a placeholder until things settle back down again. I don’t know.. maybe it’s a feeling I made up. But I realized that the other day. This isn’t mine anymore, and it’s not a new feeling. But silver linings, right? I’m doing this by myself. It’s incredibly scary and overwhelming, but I’m doing it, and I’m ok.
As for another huge area of my life, Caleb and I are working things out. We have small, short term goals and longer term goals. I feel like we are on the right track, but we have a long road ahead of us. It’s taken me a little time to figure out what I wanted. Because it wasn’t a ‘let’s try it and see’ kind of leaveyouthing. It’s all or nothing. It’s not like we could go back to dating. And I normally don’t write about these things in my blog, but this is huge, and I’m gushing to finally write about it. I never really moved on from before, and secretly kept hoping he would come back. I tried to let go and move on, but it was like my life was on pause, just waiting. It feels a little like I can push play now. There’s struggles of course, and there will be an uphill climb for a while. But love is powerful and can conquer all. My love for this man has been unconditional since the beginning. Will I get hurt again? Of course. But I knew that going into it, and I’m totally prepared. I’ll get mad and hurt and sad sometimes, but how happy I am the majority of the time always trumps that. Especially because I know he loves me just as much as I love him. We are growing together. I’ll hurt him too, that’s what happens in a relationship. It’s never intentional, but we are two different people with different needs. I’m not afraid of getting hurt. I’m afraid of being abandoned. I’ve been open in my communication and in my fears. I’m still scared, but he is so incredibly worth it, so I’ve added him into my plans this year. We talk about running the Ironman together. It’s really pushing and motivating me to be better. To train like I need to, and keeping me on track.

obstaclesI’m so proud of him. He’s really putting in the effort, and I see the improvements and how hard he is trying. Not just trying… doing. There will be obstacles and challenges every day. He’s being honest, and we are discussing everything, I’m being understanding and ‘soft’ (I’m trying really hard too, this isn’t my strongest suit!) when he has to tell me something that will hurt me. Every time I see him I’m reminded of every reason why I fell in love with him. I have a notebook I wrote in, and filled up pages and pages of things I love about him. Loving unconditionally is such a great feeling! Being appreciated and loved in return is worth everything. It’s worth fighting for, and it’s worth pushing through the hard stuff and enduring a little pain so we can enjoy the benefits of the love and companionship that this has to bring. We have agreed neither of us is running. We are sticking it out and really making the commitment to see things through, even through the really hard parts.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this feeling. I’m happy by myself, but I’m so much happier when I’m with Caleb. And I feel that warm, comforting feeling of love again. This feeling right here is worth absolutely everything. You know when I said ‘I want to feel like someone would give me the world if I asked for it’ in a different blog post? That feeling comes to mind with the feelings I’m going through right now. No, I’m not manic, if you are asking. I’m actually very balanced and in a healthy, even state of mind. I’m just very, very happy. This is what I wanted four months ago. I be able to hear him say “Whatever it takes.” And to say he never wants to be without me again. For him to mean it with all his heart. And for the tough times ahead of us, for me to know, without a doubt he’s staying and seeing it through. This is what I always wanted from him. Just that reassurance, and security that I won’t be abandoned.

Ok, I’m done with my sappy post. I don’t normally write this way, but I was literally in the mood to gush a little!

Anyway, live long and prosper or whatever.

Crossing out Lies and writing Truth on a blackboard.

Crossing out Lies and writing Truth on a blackboard.