Tag Archives: husband

Paranoid

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This quote really describes how I feel right now

Yesterday, I wrote about friendship and about how lonely I am. More and more I am noticing I am intentionally left out or not invited to lunch, to “girl’s night” or just dinner. My husband says it’s because everyone is busy and it’s the summer so people have things to do. Kids are out of school, and everyone is spending family time with each other. Is that true? That hanging out with friends is just not a priority, or is it me? It is because we don’t have kids, so we don’t fit in with this crowd?

I find myself getting ignored, talked over, and being completely forgotten. It’s not only in just one place. It’s at work, it’s with old friends, new friends, at home, in my neighborhood. Am I just blind, and not seeing when some people make an effort?

Again, my husband says that I’m just seeing the bad because I’m ‘in the darkness’ right now. Which is what we call it when I’m having a ‘depression episode’.

Nothing is wrong in my life. No horrible trauma has happened. Normal every day stressors are happening every day, but right now, it feels like every little thing that is going wrong is the end of the world.

For example, my husband asked me today, “You called me to tell me one thing, and now you are freaking out and getting all emotional. What’s wrong – what’s really wrong? Because you are throwing this out of proportion.”

Well, what is wrong…?

Maybe it’s because my neighbor’s sprinkler was flooding our front yard.  A company our neighbor hired went over to talk to them about it and my husband wants to hire them to work on our lawn.

If we hire them, we aren’t going to have any money. We will go bankrupt. We will have to eat ramen and mac and cheese, and we’ll get unhealthy and fat. We’ll have horrible skin and get acne. Then, we can’t afford to feed the animals, and they’ll have to eat normal store-bought food instead of eating raw.

And because we won’t have any money, I will have to get another job and work extra to make more money to make up for all the bills we are skipping. I will have to quit my business and then abandon my dream.

And what about how I feel? My heart won’t stop, I can’t catch my breath, I can’t see straight, and I couldn’t sleep last night because I was crying, and thinking about how no one likes me and really doesn’t want to hang out with me.

What if everyone is just pretending to be nice to me because they are nice people?  Am I that repulsive? Do people really not want to be around me? Well, I think I’m done then. I’m done asking people to hang out. I’m done expecting people to ask me to lunch. I’m done asking if people want to come over and walk their dogs with me or come have a drink. Or watch this stupid Vampire Diaries show, which I have never seen, but I thought it would be fun to do with some friends. I’m done asking people to be friends. I can’t do it anymore.

How do I handle all this? I put on the happy suit and go about my day – hiding my invisible battle. Hiding my feelings and just pretending like everything is ok. Because I have to fake it to make it. Right?

RyderFinally, a paid holiday off. Tomorrow is Independence Day. I’m not looking forward to the kids or the fireworks or the noise. But I am looking forward to no work, no training appointments, and I actually get to do something for myself for once. And I am boarding Ryder – a Great Dane I have been working with. I should really get around to writing an update about him. He is back and forth on progress, but overall, it’s one step forward, ½ step back every single day. Progress is incredibly slow, but he has made significant changes since we started working with him. He is way more balanced. Now that I know more about him since the workshop, I see changes, and I see respect and calm behavior… As soon as he feels he can be disrespectful, he will. Anyway, I will have to write about this later…if anyone cares.

Waiting for the Crash

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drinksOver the weekend, I had a great night with some friends. We decided to go to a gay bar for a night of friends, drinking, and dancing. I don’t bar hop often, mostly because I don’t have many friends to bar hop with. If I did, I would go more. I like gay bars, especially, as I can be myself without feeling judged. It’s a nice feeling that I don’t have often.

Anyway, I met some fun new people, and made a new friend. We danced, we laughed, and I was happy. Partly because I was piss-ass drunk, but that’s beside the point! My friend, who I have known for about 4 years, is moving. So, we went out to celebrate our friendship, and hang out for one last time before they leave at the end of the week. We have an interesting relationship because we both suffer from depression, and we are both bisexual. Wow, first time I have ‘said’ that out loud. (Whoo, coming out time..and it’s about time!).

I have known about my sexuality for about.. oh… 10 years or so. And while I don’t hide it, I don’t announce it either. It’s really none of other people’s business what I do intimately. Either way, I’m coming out now because it’s part of my therapeutic road. My friend, on the other hand, is married, has a couple of kids, and she is just now finding out that she is bisexual. Now, she’s wondering how it would feel to be with a woman. Her husband doesn’t understand what it means to be bisexual, so he is telling her to hook up with a girl. With time, I’m hoping he will start to understand. It’s a hard road, especially when you are in a committed relationship. It’s hard because being bisexual, you will only ever be satisfied on ‘one side’, no matter which way you choose. That’s a different blog altogether, and not relevant to this one.

The more I get ‘in tune’ with opening up about myself, the more comfortable I become. Yes, I will lose friends along the way – it seems to always happen. But the way I live my life is up to me. And I have many views that are ‘against the grain’ when it comes to sexuality, religion, politics, and generally everything. I love tattoos, piercings, and I love when people express themselves. Sometimes, you have to make the hard decisions and buck up and do it, to find out who you are.

Anyway, back to my story… we danced, had a blast, and when the bar closed at 2am, we didn’t want the night to end, so we out to eat down the street. We chatted more, sobered up a bit, and then made our way home. By the time I got home, it was close to 5am, and with songs still ringing in my head, I tell my husband what a wonderful night I had! Now, most husbands might not want their wife going to a bar, a gay bar no less, and then coming home when she pleases… at 5 am. Well, my husband doesn’t fall into that category, and truly wants me to do what I want! Which is just how we roll.

Now, today, I received a package in the mail with my membership certification from the IACP (www.canineprofessionals.com), and I’m so happy!! Yay, I was accepted, and it’s one more step for me to becoming a fully fledged, professional dog trainer! *Filled with happiness again!*IACP

As many of you also suffer from depression, it’s scary to get too happy. Because as soon as you feel good about something, one little itty bitty thing can ruin the whole happy place you have built up for yourself. Came home, watched a movie with the hubby, and then started blogging.

I hate the feeling of anticipation. I hate feeling like a crash is about to start. I’m starting to get the uneasy feeling again. What’s worse, is that when I start to feel like this, it seems I’m the one who ruins it. Because all my negative feelings, I make it happen. Just like with dog training, a dog can sense your feelings. If you are anxious, he has reason to be anxious. When these feelings start, it’s best for me to just focus on something that it’s mindless and try to get through the day. That’s how I handle things. One day at a time.