Hangry. Raw. Emotional failing. I’m running into wall after wall. I wanted to believe I’m going in the right direction, but now I feel as if I’m just going in some random direction, and not going anywhere. I’m wandering aimlessly. It feels like I have literally lost which way I’m going, and I’m pissed because I realize I have no idea which direction is up. I’m lost and frustrated and just want to go “home”.
I feel like I’m failing because I should be stronger. I should be keeping it together, instead of being a needy bitch baby who’s calling in every favor in the world to all who I care about. If I was stronger, I could do this. I’m falling apart. I’m lying on the floor of this studio wondering how this happened and the tears won’t stop. My heart won’t stop racing, and I have no idea what to do or how I got here, and why have I not learned whatever lesson I’m meant to learn. I’m juggling too much and my emotional muscles are giving out. I’m fatigued. Am I meant to give up? Am I meant to keep fighting through this? I don’t know what to do.
My body hurts, my brain hurts, and I want to shut down. I want to slow down, I want to stop. But I can’t, and I’m literally hitting that wall. The wall where your body just can’t take anymore. In training, I’ve been here so many times. And now I’m here emotionally. Again. I always get up, and the feeling is temporary, I know. “Don’t make a permanent decision because of a temporary problem.” Yeah. I know. But that doesn’t stop me from thinking about it.
I’m tired and I’m done. And the monster inside me is screaming to get out. This is when I don’t have the energy or mental strength to stop it anymore. So I’m letting it happen. I’m not stronger than my demon today. I’m overwhelmed and I feel beaten. So go for it, you demon. Do your worst, I’m wide open.