Down point again.
I get to an ‘up’ point, and then things start to collapse around me.
I try to stay strong. I put on a suit of fake happiness and try to fake it to make it.
I want to block out the world. I just want to snuggle with my dog.
But I have to power through. How? I have nothing else to give? I’m empty.
I’m not enough. I don’t know enough. I’m not going fast enough.
I can’t slow down, I’m not allowed.
Everyone depends on me. So I have to stay strong. But how? How can I offer something I don’t have?
It sometimes feels like I haven’t started my life yet… I’m waiting. For what?
How long can I hide it before it’s too much?
My therapist says I’m definitely bi-polar. I have a manic-depressive disorder. I feel like I’m on a tightrope. She thinks I’m doing better and can handle it. When I’m ‘up’ I feel that way too. But now… can I handle this?
When things are ‘up’, I’m able to walk across and be on top of the world. When things are ‘down’, I feel like I might fall off. Then what happens? When I fall, will someone help me pick myself up and get back up there so I can fall again?
“Why do we fall, sir? So we may learn to pick ourselves up.” – Alfred from Batman.
What if I can’t pick myself up again? What will happen?
I have chosen not to be medicated. Why? I don’t know, maybe it’s a social stigma, maybe it’s because I don’t want to accept there is something ‘wrong’ with me. Maybe because I feel I have something to prove.
Why do I feel this way? Why do I want to cry for no reason? Why do I want to separate myself from society? Why do I want to give up, but can’t? It feels like there is a monster in me, tearing me apart from the inside so it can get out. What happens if it does?