Emotion Overload

iloveyouIt’s getting closer to my close date. And more hours on the phone with realtors, , the bank, and lenders, different cities to learn about their city ordinances. Then, in my spare time between that and working dogs and calling clients back, I’m packing and moving my things into storage. I’m looking at the silver lining in everything, and I’m really focusing on the positive things. I have a place to live temporarily until I can figure out my next steps. I’m allowed to have all my dogs, and run my company. That’s a huge relief. I’ll feel better once my current house is closed too.

loveconquersI’m handling all the emotions of leaving the place I called ‘home’ for so long. It doesn’t feel like home anymore. It hasn’t for quite some time. For months, really. It’s like it’s a placeholder until things settle back down again. I don’t know.. maybe it’s a feeling I made up. But I realized that the other day. This isn’t mine anymore, and it’s not a new feeling. But silver linings, right? I’m doing this by myself. It’s incredibly scary and overwhelming, but I’m doing it, and I’m ok.
As for another huge area of my life, Caleb and I are working things out. We have small, short term goals and longer term goals. I feel like we are on the right track, but we have a long road ahead of us. It’s taken me a little time to figure out what I wanted. Because it wasn’t a ‘let’s try it and see’ kind of leaveyouthing. It’s all or nothing. It’s not like we could go back to dating. And I normally don’t write about these things in my blog, but this is huge, and I’m gushing to finally write about it. I never really moved on from before, and secretly kept hoping he would come back. I tried to let go and move on, but it was like my life was on pause, just waiting. It feels a little like I can push play now. There’s struggles of course, and there will be an uphill climb for a while. But love is powerful and can conquer all. My love for this man has been unconditional since the beginning. Will I get hurt again? Of course. But I knew that going into it, and I’m totally prepared. I’ll get mad and hurt and sad sometimes, but how happy I am the majority of the time always trumps that. Especially because I know he loves me just as much as I love him. We are growing together. I’ll hurt him too, that’s what happens in a relationship. It’s never intentional, but we are two different people with different needs. I’m not afraid of getting hurt. I’m afraid of being abandoned. I’ve been open in my communication and in my fears. I’m still scared, but he is so incredibly worth it, so I’ve added him into my plans this year. We talk about running the Ironman together. It’s really pushing and motivating me to be better. To train like I need to, and keeping me on track.

obstaclesI’m so proud of him. He’s really putting in the effort, and I see the improvements and how hard he is trying. Not just trying… doing. There will be obstacles and challenges every day. He’s being honest, and we are discussing everything, I’m being understanding and ‘soft’ (I’m trying really hard too, this isn’t my strongest suit!) when he has to tell me something that will hurt me. Every time I see him I’m reminded of every reason why I fell in love with him. I have a notebook I wrote in, and filled up pages and pages of things I love about him. Loving unconditionally is such a great feeling! Being appreciated and loved in return is worth everything. It’s worth fighting for, and it’s worth pushing through the hard stuff and enduring a little pain so we can enjoy the benefits of the love and companionship that this has to bring. We have agreed neither of us is running. We are sticking it out and really making the commitment to see things through, even through the really hard parts.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this feeling. I’m happy by myself, but I’m so much happier when I’m with Caleb. And I feel that warm, comforting feeling of love again. This feeling right here is worth absolutely everything. You know when I said ‘I want to feel like someone would give me the world if I asked for it’ in a different blog post? That feeling comes to mind with the feelings I’m going through right now. No, I’m not manic, if you are asking. I’m actually very balanced and in a healthy, even state of mind. I’m just very, very happy. This is what I wanted four months ago. I be able to hear him say “Whatever it takes.” And to say he never wants to be without me again. For him to mean it with all his heart. And for the tough times ahead of us, for me to know, without a doubt he’s staying and seeing it through. This is what I always wanted from him. Just that reassurance, and security that I won’t be abandoned.

Ok, I’m done with my sappy post. I don’t normally write this way, but I was literally in the mood to gush a little!

Anyway, live long and prosper or whatever.

Crossing out Lies and writing Truth on a blackboard.

Crossing out Lies and writing Truth on a blackboard.

Opening Up

I met someone.

Remember the “best date” guy? Yeah, same dude. I don’t really want to see anyone else anymore. I really love spending all my free time with him. Even though I won’t openly call him my ‘boyfriend’. Which my roommates tease me about. Ok, here’s me admitting it…He might be slowly stealing my heart. Is that ok? Do I let him? Am I ‘allowed’ to? Remember that one time I said I didn’t want a relationship? Ugh, I’m so guarded. I think I’m scared. I’m scared of more hurt. I’m scared about my stupid mental illness fucking things up. Or being too guarded or damaged. Or the fact I was married/still married might be a problem. Ugh, I’m such a girl.

Well, I know what I want. But that doesn’t mean I’m not nervous. Still kind of hesitant about committing, but at the same time, I’ve been fighting this. Been telling myself I’m not ready. I don’t know if I am or not, but I know I don’t just want to string other people along for the principle of it. It feels like I have to give myself permission to love again. Like I wasn’t allowed to actually feel. Like, it’s wrong. But it shouldn’t be. I have to learn to let go. Learn to move on. Learn to love again. Part of the healing maybe? I don’t know. I still don’t know what I’m doing, but what I do know is I love how I feel when I’m with him. It’s easy…comfortable. I don’t have to hide who I am. So, I’m riding it. I’m letting it happen. And I’m going to see where it goes.

And I’m ok with that. I’m going to open up.

 

Gay Marriage

Marriage-is-about-LOVE-gay-marriage-26811416-500-375Gay. Marriage. Depression. Sex.

A few things in my life. I am gay (well, bisexual to be technical). I am married, to a man. Just happened that way. I wasn’t particularly looking for a man, I could have ended up with a woman. But it just ended up that way. That’s ok, too. Depression, well, I’ve talked about that one before. And Sex. I LOVE sex. Who doesn’t?

Anyway, gay marriage. Let’s put those together.  GAY MARRIAGE. In my mind, this is a beautiful thing. 2 people meeting, finding love, and starting a life together.  To some, it’s repulsive. Why? Because it’s so misunderstood, religion, ignorance, lack of education, change, something new…

Many reasons.

Why do I see gay marriage this way? Because 1) I’m gay. 2) I think if you have to fight for something, you appreciate it more. You are fighting against society. You have to really FIGHT and take abuse in order to continue being yourself and loving someone.

Family. GAY MARRIAGES having CHILDREN together. A man and a man biologically cannot have child together.  A woman and a woman biologically cannot have a child together. Does this mean they can’t have children? No! There are other ways to have a baby. And these ways are beautiful.  These people have to work so hard for what they want in life.  Again, this is wonderful, and almost brings tears to my eyes to see something so beautiful.

Depression. Many people already suffer from depression, but imagine this: A gay man is married to a woman, and has a couple of kids. Every day, he has to lie to himself. Force himself to sleep with someone who he doesn’t find attractive, and in some cases – finds disgusting. Sexually, he is not satisfied by her. Physically, he is missing a part of himself. Is this right? In my mind, no. He is wasting his life, pretending to be someone he is not. So, depression sets in. Does he leave his family to be himself? Does he stay and live out a life that is a lie?

Sex. Woman on woman, man on man, woman and man. What is right? Why? We are in a civilization where people can BE HAPPY.  People get uncomfortable when we talk about gay sex. Why? Picture: A woman and a man having sex. Great, right? Now a woman on a woman:  Men and women alike seem to be fine with this as well. Now, a man and a man having sex: For me, I think it’s fine too – no change in feelings. For some people, this is unacceptable, and makes them cringe. Why?  To be, again, all sex is beautiful.

Discrimination.samesexmarriage

It’s an ugly word with many meanings. Let’s stay on topic and talk about gay marriage. The entire gay community has been discriminated against for as long as there were open gays in the world. Now, why? I have a theory. I see my gay friends, myself included, and I see different personalities. I think society has a problem with the more flamboyant gays. Ones that like to advertise themselves, as well as being gay. They like to talk about gay sex in front of straight people to get a rise out of them. They like to say ‘spread awareness’. But, would any other combination of a couple talk about their bedroom life so openly? Some would, of course. But, because the gay community has to fight so hard for what they want, it sometimes seems like they try too hard. Good intentions, gone bad, I think.

I like talking about sex just as much as anyone, and will openly answer any questions anyone has. Maybe not everyone would do that, but I don’t advertise my bedroom life, nor would I think my partners would appreciate that. Since I am married, I only have one sex partner, but that wasn’t so in the past. And I can honestly say, I don’t think any of them would like me talking what we have done in the past without their permission, or unless they were there.

As a close to this thought I had today, I want to point out, there are bad eggs in every genre of people. Just because someone is gay doesn’t mean they are a bad person, or a bad mom/dad. It doesn’t mean they are going to hurt someone or not do well in school. It doesn’t mean they can’t love. And it doesn’t mean they can’t be happy. It means they are different. And as a society, I hope we grow to accept all differences in this world.

STOP THE BULLYING! STOP THE HATE! STOP THE DISCRIMINATION. We all want to be loved and acknowledged. And here’s a funny video as thanks for reading my thoughts today.

The Demon Came…The story of how I was diagnosed

I was diagnosed in 2010 with something they called ‘Major Depressive Disorder’, or more commonly referred to as ‘clinical depression’. There were a series of events that led up to all my happiness being sucked out. By a demon. Yes, you have heard this word before, and as cliché  as it is – that’s what happened.

Our wedding

06/19/2010

It started in November of 2010, I was diagnosed around this time. Five months after my husband and my lovely wedding, we purchased a home. We had a housewarming party, and we love, love, LOVED our new house. Our first ever, dream home. We had everything ready, all moved in, unpacked, and were deciding what our next BIG thing would be. We had a trip to California planned for the Christmas holidays, and we were excited to tell everyone about our new house. When we returned… the house just… stank. My husband went to the basement, and .. squish squish squish… The carpet was wet. We had a flood. A big one. A nice, big, wet, moldy mess.

Back to the house. Here’s where things got tricky…
No, insurance didn’t cover it. Were there damages? You bet. Now, we had to max out credit cards, take out loans, just to MANAGE the flooding. It wouldn’t stop if we hadn’t put ourselves into financial hell. So, for the next 6 months, instead of doing our next BIG thing… we paid off our debt.
Our house

Depression sunk in. I realized our horrible situation, and how this was going to affect everything. This was the beginning of when I realized something was wrong … in my mind. And I needed help.

It flooded again… and I started thinking about suicide. I didn’t want to go through this anymore. As much as the flood and money problems are all material things, there were much deeper issues going on. Family issues, emotional issues. I couldn’t do it. I went into work with a mask on, trying to hide the fact I was royally fucked up in the mind. My mind was a prison and I couldn’t breathe. It had padded walls and no windows. Thoughts of previous traumas filled my head.. one in particular, and it was my demon. He haunted me.

Now, during this time, there were also MASSIVE family issues going on (my side and my husband’s side. The issues aren’t directly related to this story, so that’s for another time. The nightmares started. The demon was in my head. I stopped sleeping. He started coming during the day. He was everywhere, and he was after me. I was now on anti-anxiety meds, antipsychotics, and sleeping pills. I was numb from the pain. That was the idea. Miraculously, my husband and I weren’t having problems, but we weren’t great either. We were… managing.

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Flood 2010

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A few months later (March), we had another flood… in the other side of the basement. This time, we were going to cover all our basis. I won’t get into the nitty-gritty details, but basically, this cost us about double our down payment. So, again… financial hell. Things weren’t getting better… we were just getting deeper and deeper into debt. My depression got worse, and I was numb every day. I wanted to die. I just needed one shred of good news…

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Click for larger image

Well, I got promoted (company from hell)! This was going well for about three weeks. Then…I got fired. Great, huh?

No reason as to why they let me go. None, no explain came from my company. It was really… out of the blue. So, I immersed myself in self-pity and thoughts of death. I tried to talk to my husband about it, and he got angry at me for thinking that way. I stopped going to therapy. I didn’t want to go anymore. I didn’t want to get out of bed. So I didn’t. I just played video games. And watched Grey’s Anatomy. Which actually helped. I liked to watch other people’s problems, and thought they were funny. That’s what the show is supposed to be about, right?

I hated myself. I failed. Our house is a mess. Our wallets are empty, and in my head, they would be forever. I couldn’t sleep, the nightmares kept coming. I didn’t want to do anything, but if I didn’t think, the demon would come back. I didn’t want to talk to this demon, and I didn’t want to see him. I hate him. I saw him everywhere, he followed me awake, asleep, at home, in the car, at a restaurant. Everywhere. If I shut my eyes hard enough, he was gone. Just white spots appeared instead. So, I had a drawer full of medicine that would make me sleep for a long time. Maybe, if I didn’t wake up, the demon wouldn’t come after me anymore.

So, I took a bunch of the pills.

Apparently, that wasn’t enough, because I woke up the next day and the demon was there. So was my husband. I couldn’t tell him what him what happened. (I did eventually, he was angry again) I just told him I was really tired.

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Well, a few weeks later, I gathered up what remaining dignity I had and looked for a job because my severance was out, and unemployment only went so far. I put on the mask again and went to interviews. I found a job. A great job, actually. With a great company, great people, great pay, and best of all… these people are now my friends. I feel they support me, and understand. I need that. I need a ‘work family’. Which I have now.

Shortly after I started at this great new company, I saw my therapist again, and she recommended I get a dog. A therapy dog, specifically. Well, in our current financial state, buying an already trained therapy dog wasn’t possible. So, I just settled on getting a puppy. Which we were seriously considering. A coworker of mine needed to find a new home for his dog, and Wa-La! We have Napoleon. I fell in love, and he’s the perfect ying to my yang…so to speak.

Now, back to the basement issues, we had 2 more floods in 2011 while we were rebuilding. So, we hired a lawyer and threatened a lawsuit. Because we asked so nicely, the plumbing company came out and fixed their mistakes. . . finally. So, we started rebuilding again…

One room at a time..

Framing.Insulation. Drywall. Mudding. Texturing, Baseboards, Painting… Dollar sign, Dollar sign, Dollar sign… gone, gone, gone. More anxiety, more feelings of we’ll never get out of this.

But we did… and here are some pictures of our finished basement. After the damages.

Hallway

Hallway – Click for larger image

Bathroom

Bathroom – Click for larger image

Living Room

Living Room – Click for larger image

Office

Office – Click for larger image

Guest Room

Guest Room – Click for larger image

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1 year since original flood… November 2011

My dog was diagnosed with mast cell cancer. This was a pretty big kick in the gut. There was no other option: We had to operate. We had to do everything we could to keep him around with a high quality of life. So, we removed the tumor. There was only one, and he would need some recovery time. They got it all, and were having it biopsied. We would know in a few days how bad the cancer was.

Now, we had already planned going to visit family for Thanksgiving. Ryan’s family lives in California, and we like to go once a year. All the plans were already made. So, we planned on going, and leaving Napoleon with a trusted friend. The stitches would be out, but he would still need regular walks and some physical therapy so that those muscles were used to prevent atrophy.

Cancer test came back Grade 1, and we think we got it all! That’s great news. What a great way to start the trip! Knowing our dog would be with us for quite a long time! Napoleon

So, we left Napoleon with our friend after his surgery, and we had the neighbors watching the basement every day. We covered all our bases. Now… I was really uncomfortable without Napoleon. He had been my security blanket and without him… I felt naked. I cried, I felt unsafe, the fear came back. The nightmares, the demon. But… I put on the happy face again, and pretended to be excited.

Now, the kicker… a few days before we left, my grandmother passed away. My mom was very upset, and she was having a really hard time with it. I felt horrible for leaving for Thanksgiving. We already booked our hotel, and our car, and our flights, there was nothing I could do. It was done, I was leaving.

The day we got into town, I noticed I had a sharp pain in my stomach, but didn’t really pay attention because of all that was going on. As the week progressed, this got worse and worse. I was in tears almost every night because of the pain. I just took more anti-anxiety meds because it numbed me.

We get to California, and we see my husband’s grandmother (who we knew was sick) … but we weren’t prepared for what we saw. She was dying. She had lost her spunk, her energy. It hit me like a train. I had just lost my grandmother, and now we were going to lose my husband’s… I have been in the family long enough where his family is my family now. This was hard.

demon

Thanksgiving Day. I started vomiting this morning. But I sucked it up, because we were on vacation, and I was supposed to be enjoying myself. I also had to because it was Thanksgiving day.

So, I sucked it up, and we spent the day with the family… while our grandmother was in a hospital bed.. she had started hospice the day before. Meaning she didn’t have much time. That evening, I was in so much pain, I had started to vomit more, and I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t walk, everything hurt. I felt like I wanted to die. Oh, how badly I just wanted someone to kill me. This was from pain, not from my mental prison.

Emergency room. They finally gave me dilaudid for the pain. They did tests, and realized I had a severe kidney infection, and it was in danger of rupturing. They kept me there until I had ‘drunk’ all the fluids in the banana bag (which also had antibiotics, apparently). Going to the ER in another state, and not having a ‘home’ to go to when you leave is not comfortable, let me tell you. I was told to be on bed rest for a week. I thought that meant a few days. I’d be up and around.

We went to my husband’s family’s house the next day and said our goodbyes. Especially to our grandmother. She really was near the end… I didn’t know how much longer she had. I was now drugged up to all hell, and was numb again. So, seeing her like this, and saying goodbye was painful, yes. But I wasn’t really ‘on this Earth’, if you know what I mean. I was watching myself say goodbye.

Then we left for the airport. I had to basically close my eyes the whole way because I had car sickness. The movement was hurting, so I just focused on not throwing up. Got to the airport, couldn’t walk. Needed a wheelchair. I was scared about the flight… scared I might vomit, and I hate planes. So, I combined my drugs and took a sleeping pill, and a dilaudid for the plane trip. I do like dilaudid…

When we call my father-in-law to let him know we got back into town safely, he tells us our grandmother had passed away. I was numb already, so I couldn’t feel anything. My husband was very upset and I, in my sick state, needed to take care of him, too. We picked up Napoleon, who was overly excited to see us, and we just weren’t in the mood to be around a jumpy, excited, slobbery dog. So, we went home, I curled up in my bed, with Napoleon on his bed, right by the bedside, and slept… for a week. I had started my treatment for the kidney infection, and had some much needed me-time under the gentle protection of narcotics.

Once I was ready to go back to work, I was rested, I was more happy than I had been in a while, and best of all, I didn’t have the demon show up. At least during the day.

That’s … the incredibly long story (sorry about that… hope it wasn’t boring) about how I was diagnosed and the first few years of dealing with my demon. He still comes around, and I’m not ready to face him.  But this was the last time he’s come during the day. There were events from years before that led up to this diagnosis… but I need strength to post them. I need support from my friends. I think it will help… I need strength.

Somebody That I Used to know

And there I was today. Listening to the radio after my dog training social class this morning on the way home. And a song comes on the radio. Reminding me of a deep, dark feeling I haven’t been able to shake for years. It reminded me of someone I used to know…

My ex boyfriend. The relationship started about 7 years ago. He was… amazing. He was there for me, always. I was there for him, and helped him become a better person. I truly believed we helped each other.  He was… is one of the most selfless people I have ever met in my life. He would do anything to make me happy. And that’s why I ended it.

The feelings I had then – I didn’t know what they were. I had self doubt, hatred, and confusion, but also .. was it love? High school was easy for me. I had a 4.0, and my boyfriend just didn’t. So, I made him my project. I helped him learn the material and better himself academically. He applied himself and really made a difference. His grades came up, and he started enrolling in classes that were above the level of his previous classes. Not to say he wasn’t intelligent – he was… is.  Though, academics and school weren’t important to him then. He really worked hard and graduated with a 4.0, just like I did.

By the time he graduated high school, I was in college. I was taking around 26-30 credit hours any given semester, and focusing on school. My boyfriend took a backseat. Our relationship wasn’t as important as learning all the new material. Eventually, I burned out and needed a distraction. I found a guy at my college who was mediocre in looks, and had a funny personality. So, I thought I wanted to date.

I broke it off with my boyfriend of 3 years. Just like that. Called him up on the phone and said I wanted to see other people. I broke his heart and completely betrayed his trust. I hurt this wonderful person and shattered him into a million pieces. I didn’t realize how much this hurt me until a few weeks later. When I realized the new guy I was dating was a chump. I called my ex-boyfriend and told him my story.

Broken-heart-broken-hearts-6853600-640-582

I didn’t realize what I was doing to him. I was now taking the broken pieces of his mangled heart and throwing them into a blender. Putting all dignity and self-worth he had left into the meat grinder. Even though we had broken up, I felt he was still my best friend and he meant so much to me. Not romantically anymore – I fucked that up. So, out of the sake of our friendship and because I cared so much for this person, I stopped talking to him.

I think a little bit of me died then. I lost not only my best friend and my boyfriend, but a little bit of myself. The blanket of darkness that I had been feeling just closed in a little closer. Hugging me until I couldn’t breathe. I had to stop myself contacting him. I couldn’t do it – because I cared for him so much.

I met my husband in college shortly after this happened. Weeks later, actually. And love began to blossom. I fell in love with this man who stole my heart and helped me forget some of the pain I was feeling. We dated for a few years before actually getting married, and it was wonderful. I love my husband and he is now my best friend.

Though, my ‘person’, if you will, at the time, was my ex. I don’t want him romantically anymore, nor did I when I was dating my husband. But I felt a hole in my heart where his company used to be. It’s never been filled, and it remains dormant and empty. That space cannot be filled by anyone else. I found my ex-boyfriend on Facebook and requested to be friends, which he accepted. We don’t talk – other than ‘Happy Birthdays’.

Recently, I received a strange call while I was training a client’s dog. We were almost finished, and I ignored the call. The number buzzed my phone again. Again, I ignored it. A few minutes go by… and my phone buzzes again. I apologize to my client, and answer the call, my heart beating slightly faster. “Hi Heather… It’s [my ex’s name]…” My heart stopped, and I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t speak. I managed to say hi back, and then silence. It felt like forever. He finally said, “I have something to say, and then I’m going to hang up.” He said that he was sorry. He was sorry for not being there, and for all the mistakes he made. He said he wants me to forgive him. And then he hung up.

Now, because I’m prisoner to my demented thinking process, I immediately thought he was going to try to hurt himself. I couldn’t let that happen! I tried finding his family, calling my mom to find any shred of old family contact information we had. There was nothing I could do. I cried and called my husband and told him what happened. No one could calm me down. I was a tornado, a spiral of out of control feelings.

About 40 minutes later, he calls me back and we …chat. I tell him I’m mad at him for making me worry, and cry on the phone. He said he didn’t mean to scare me, and that he was doing a self-improvement program. One of the things he had to do is close loose-ends. One of those was with me. He wanted to be friends again, and understood if we couldn’t. I don’t feel this happy often. It was like I was at Disneyland! Of course I wanted to be friends!! I was excited to meet his new girlfriend, and he was excited to be reconnected. It was a joyous day and I couldn’t contain my excitement! We discussed setting up a date where we could meet each other’s significant others and have dinner. He ended the call saying he would be in touch in a few days.

A week later, I still hadn’t heard anything, so I texted him. Nothing. A week later…still no answer. So, I logged on Facebook to check to see if he had messaged me or posted on my wall. He had unfriended me. I have been cut off.  This person who marched back into my life after 5 years of no contact. He’s just gone. Again.

sadness-of-winter-1

Credit to Chris Works

Now… to deal with the pain, the guilt, and the betrayal. I have come to the conclusion that it’s really over. The relationship, the feelings, the guilt. The friendship is over. As painful as this is, I have to accept it. I don’t know how many people really feel this way about their ex. Someone who was so special, but in a deeper way than just a boyfriend, or just a friend. It was like he was a part of me. That part is dead. That part of my heart will not grow back or be filled, and there is just an empty void left to fill the blackness.  He’s now just somebody I used to know.

≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈

Lyrics (If anyone is interested)

[Gotye:]
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

[Kimbra:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I’d done
But I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

[Gotye:]
But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Backstory

A story about my life, and the struggles I am currently facing. It’s difficult because my life would be out there for everyone to see. But… maybe it will help people who also struggle with depression and/or have gone through a personal trauma.

Now, about me. I was diagnosed with clinical depression at the end of 2010. At the time,
there were quite a few traumatic events that took place leading up to a nervous breakdown, and eventually ended up with me at the therapist…because I tried to kill myself. Since then, I have realized I have always been depressed, though unable to accurately describe how I was feeling. I felt I had no reason to feel that way, and felt guilty because I was unhappy and sad when I should have been feeling happy and grateful for my life.

Since then, I have been medicated, gone through talk therapy, done self-improvement
programs, and discussed feelings. Some of it was effective, but when I was drugged, I was
numb. Instead of feeling sad and worthless, I felt nothing. I welcomed the lack of
feelings for a while, but then I felt like an empty shell of a person, just being a zombie
– going through the motions, but not really feeling anything.

In March of 2011, my husband and I adopted a gorgeous yellow lab, who is now a member of our family. He has helped me so much, and I can talk to him without feeling judged, lost, or walk like I’m on eggshells.
People don’t understand. When I open up and actually tell someone how I feel, they get
defensive or say ‘Don’t feel like that’, ‘Don’t talk like that’, ‘You know I love you’, or
‘You have friends you can talk to. Just talk it out.’. Yeah, well – because I haven’t
tried those before, right? Well, my dog doesn’t tell me those things. He just rests his
big head on my lap and licks my hand. In my world, he’s telling me that he understands and wants
me to know he’s there for me. With no words. He understands, and with just one look at me,
takes some of the pain away. He has become a crutch, and I depend on him to be there for me when I get home.

Napoleon

We thought about training him as a therapy dog. But his personality isn’t the right fit.
That’s alright, he’s still my crutch at home. I just can’t take him with me on trips or to
work or the grocery store. I just have to hold on until I get home and I’m with him again.

I love my husband, and I have talked to him about all my feelings. But again, there’s a
difference between a dog and a human. It’s not that I love him less, it’s that it’s
different. He tries to be supportive, but doesn’t understand how painful it is to be alive sometimes. When I try to tell him that, he gets upset. He doesn’t understand. We have been working through it, and he is trying to learn more about depression. He wants to try therapy again. Last time, my therapist wanted to talk about my childhood. I don’t want to
talk about it. There are a few reasons for that, which I won’t get into. Not yet.

This blog is about handling my depression and how I have/will overcome challenges. Right
now, I am in the process of opening up my dog training business. It has always been my
passion, and I am finally doing it. I am a ‘baby’ in this field, but I want to learn
everything there is to know, and become great in every aspect. I want to handle any
problem, any dog, and have any discussion (this includes the incredibly difficult
discussion of euthanasia). I want to be great, not just an average trainer.

Some of the challenges my husband and I have faced over last year have been trying on our marriage, on my career, and on my sanity. And I don’t exaggerate when I say ‘sanity’. We bought a new house in 2010 and had massive flooding problems. In 2012, we believed we had completely fixed the problem since we didn’t have problems for over a year. We struggled for 2 years to fix the problem, and rebuild 1/2 our home. Finally, we rebuilt and laid down new carpet. We refurnished our home – almost every piece of furniture in our house was bought new. We were finally done. This constant stress point put my stress levels and ability to deal with anything else at an ultimate high. For the last two years, this chapter of my life has been a constant struggle and pain point. Above that, we dealt with death, broken promises to each other, and loss of work.

This blog is going to be personal, challenging, and a journey for me. I hope that in writing this blog, I won’t be judged or seen any differently. For those of you who already know me, some of what I post will be a shock. I’m putting it out there, I’m not hiding anymore.