Walks of Life

As I sit here, bundled up for warmth in all my heavy clothes and blankets in the loft of my friend’s tack room, I caught myself thinking about the paths of life. How do we all end up where we do? What choices, traumas, and sacrifices did we have to go through to get where we are? And why do some people seem to never ‘grow up’?

I’ve been contemplating this since yesterday, and it seems it’s because of what they have had to go through and what they learned in those experiences. It doesn’t always mean that person is going to come out the other side with good morals, understanding, love and patience. Sometimes it means they will come out hardened and unwilling to ever let anyone in again for fear of getting hurt. It’s an effective defense mechanism, can’t argue that as I have also been in those situations and chosen that path at one point or another. Sometimes, the experience they went through is incredibly strong to them, but not to others. What others’ think of them starts to weigh, and then they think they are being ridiculous and their self esteem drops because no one understands. Something so small can trigger a change and start to form a behavioral pattern of choices. This is how the individual starts to cope with stress, trauma, anxiety, things they don’t understand, and others’ emotions. Instead of being sympathetic, they may be condescending, or avoid it altogether. All this does is cause more and more damage. The root of the problem is never being addressed, and it will continue to build up until a change is made. History has a tendency to repeat itself until we learn how to change it. I’m always trying to change mine.

chakraSo, circling back around to my current situation. I have been a ‘gypsy’ for most of the year, and have been relying on friends’, family, and calling in every favor possible for the last few months. I have been scammed, hurt, defeated, stolen from, emotionally abused, lied to, conned, broken, and totally let down at every corner. So, what is my pattern? When did this start? How can I change my path? The common denominator is me. Not what others have done to me. Why do I attract this type of attention? I want to be in a stable environment, I want to calm down my life, and I want to get back to business as usual, and above all, I want to attract more positive, happy energy. For now, I’m being emotionally still. I don’t have many clients this week, nor dogs coming to me for daycare, boarding or training, so I’m taking the time to be still and observe and listen to what the universe is trying to tell me. What lesson am I meant to learn here?

It’s been on my mind lately for a variety of different reasons, but I think this is what I need to work on in order to achieve the happiness/positivity goal I really want in my life. Calming down my energy instead of letting it boil over and affect everyone else seems so daunting because I don’t know how yet. I’m just learning how to contain and balance all my chakras, which is very hard when I’m in the thick of it. So, I’m relying on my healer friends to help direct me to balance and teach me how to protect myself from others’ energies, but also how to help others and their own if I can. I don’t do energy healing work, but I’m a huge believer in the fact they do exist, and you can pick up toxic energy from anywhere. With the type of personality I have, I do pick up everyone else’s, especially the people close to me. I take it all, and I don’t know how to release it. This is my responsibility to learn how to do this to protect myself. I’m learning about shielding and which of my chakras get out of balance most regularly. When I found out, it didn’t surprise me. I was beaten down, hurt, and my baggage was too heavy. Since I don’t know how to remove the weight, it affects my psyche. I want to learn to clear this.

I have been conditioned to not trust, to be guarded, to expect disaster at some point (waiting for the other shoe to drop type attitude), and to focus on other peoples’ problems besides my own because it doesn’t hurt as much. I expect to get hurt at some point. Not just talking about relationships, but actual experiences. I take it all until I can’t anymore, and then I break down and collapse. I get back up, and I do it all over again. Which makes me strong because I don’t give up. I don’t know how, literally. I have to keep going, and I have to keep moving forward in all things. My experiences have taught me to keep going, but instead of at breakneck speed and looking before I leap, I’m cautious and more guarded and flighty than I’m used to. I take a step closer, and timidly take a step back for fear of losing it. Every time, I get a little closer, but in my experiences, every time, it’s ripped from me. So, I’m going in with an emotional arsenal. The Heather Militia, my boyfriend so lovingly named it, hehe. I could, again, lose this. So, if I do, I’m not doing anything without a fight. So, I’m emotionally preparing for war, I guess. And to me, that means the calm before the storm.

“Enjoy the journey” they said…

strength“Enjoy the journey” they said… “It’ll be fun” they said. Well, I say “Are we there yet?!” It’s like I’ve taken a cross country trip across Uganda… with a brand new pair of roller skates because that’s my style. This journey I’m on doesn’t just have speed bumps, I’m off roading with my roller skates. And I’ve fallen and gotten bloodied up, but I always seem to get back up quickly and keep going. I’ll never fall on that same bump again, though.

I can’t give up. I can’t stop. But I am trying to let go of the things I can’t control. Things have a way of working out when they need to, and as much as I can’t wait for all this to be over, I feel like I’m supposed to be going through this. To teach me something. And boy, have I learned.

I’ve learned about myself and what I want in my life. Who I want to be, how I want to treat others, and what is important in my life. I’ve learned to live lightly and enjoy the living, not the stuff or the money. I’ve learned to appreciate people and their hardships a lot more. I’ve learned to listen, not wait to react to what they are saying. I’ve come a long way, but I’ve also learned how unbalanced I am. I mean my energies and some emotional things I haven’t quite gotten over. There’s some unfinished business I need to address to be able to fully move on and be truly happy with myself. I’m not sure where it happened or where I picked it up, but I need to address it so I can be balanced and happy again. It feels like I can’t really work on this until I have a ‘home’. So I’m sitting on it until I can work through it. I need to learn to set down some of this baggage and walk away. It’s starting to get awfully heavy.

Something else I’m starting to learn is what ‘taking the time…every time’ means. Not only in dog training, but in life. I’m trying to not miss the little moments. However, I’m also learning when I need time for me to decompress and NOT take the time for that ‘opportunity’, but to take the time for me. It’s not about vacations or time off, it’s about the little moments every day where you take time for yourself and appreciate who you are. I’m proud of myself and for who I am. I have made mistakes, and I have learned so much from them. I’m happy. Even though my life has been chaotic for the last several years, it seems… I’m still happy. I’m happy because of who I am and where I’m going.

upsidedownWhen I talk to people who have gone through similar journeys, it shows in their eyes. You feel the energy change to a deep, loving, understanding vibe. And they listen to you. There isn’t much they can do to help you with this internal battle, but they get it. And you have their support. That feeling makes me feel like I’m not doing this alone. This is my fight, but having that support gives me the strength to keep fighting and becoming a stronger person. I feel like he’ll let me do my thing, and if I fall, he’ll catch me and then tell me to get back up and do it again until I succeed. I need that. I need him. (There, I said it.. in a blog.. that counts, right?)

 

Healthy Addiction

Right after those big decisions are when you start to think about the “What’s next?” questions. And if it has to do with relationships, I feel like you always want to go out and look for the next person to fill the space. From my experiences… this is exactly what you shouldn’t do. Because you end up having stupid sex, using people, attaching unhealthily to someone, making mistakes, and never truly growing or healing from the damage.

This is what I have done in the past, and I made stupid decisions, got involved in very inappropriate relationships, had stupid pointless sex, used people to avoid my pain instead of dealing with it, and guess what? Never healed. Huh… and everyone says ‘take some time for you’. Yeah, ok. Harder said than done. They say until you are happy being by yourself, enjoying your own company with no ‘help’ from other people or distractions (healthy or unhealthy), you shouldn’t go out and meet new people. So, I’m (again) trying to learn about me. And there are a few patterns I’ve fallen into that I want to change.

First, I don’t like doing many things by myself anymore. I don’t like watching movies or playing games by myself. Which is weird since I only own mostly one player games, and that was my main hobby about 4 years ago. I’m different now I guess. I’m fine to go anywhere by myself, do workshops, teach, meet people, workout, drive, go out to bars, clubs, and go out and eat dinner alone, but I don’t like being HOME alone and doing things. So I’m never home. I’ve been working out a lot for the last few months. I live in my workout clothes now, because I never know when I may want to do a quick ab workout, or stop at the gym on my way home from somewhere. Yeah, SUUUPER healthy. (*sarcasm*)

Secondly, I don’t like boredom or loneliness, and want to spend my time with someone. This is where I got into trouble before. I was using people to fill up my time so I didn’t have to be home alone. To me, people were just there for my convenience. Disposable, I guess you could say. Until someone came along that I didn’t want to dispose of after a few dates or whatever. Anyway, I’m not filling my loneliness with people this time, I’m going to try to find things to do for myself that make me a better person. Other things than always working out. I’m writing again in my blog (I usually start to write more when I’m having the ‘feelings disease’), so that’s healthy, right? I’m trying to make time every night to read a chapter in any of my self improvement books. And I’m trying to do something with my dogs every day. I’ve gotten lazy with them, so they are struggling. I need to spend the time with them so they don’t become monsters. They’ve had a lot of change in their lives too, I can’t forget about them. It’s not their fault they are regressing.

Thirdly, I can’t help but think about things. I go over every detail, every mistake, everything I found out, everything that was said (or not said), energies, etc. And each time, I don’t find anything I could have done differently for a different outcome. Which reassures me, but my heart is broken. I’m not happy. I didn’t want to do this. I felt I had to. Doing something I really didn’t want to do, but thinking I didn’t have a choice anymore. It’s a pretty shitty place to be in. I feel like no matter which choices I make, I’ll be miserable. So I go out and work out more. My escape from these fucked up feelings that are like wrecking balls inside my brain… Don’t sing it, people. Let it go… Fuck. Anywho, that’s my healthy addiction. At least it isn’t alcohol or drugs or porn or tinder or … I’m stopping. And clearly very bitter today.

Fourthly, I think about the “what ifs”. This is just plain stupid and I should stop. What ifs are ridiculous because there are too many variables that can change the scope of what happened. I can’t just say ‘Well, if this happened, then X wouldn’t have happened.’ That’s bullshit. Because well, sure, if THAT didn’t happen, then we would be in a different place, but I’m sure something else would have happened, and we may be in a worse place. Or maybe it wouldn’t have changed anything at all. Or maybe, if this happened, and I handled it this way, then …OMG, I’m talking to myself. I’m done with this ludicrous paragraph.

And lastly, cooking. I love cooking, but I hate cooking for just me. I would much rather cook a meal for someone else and not even eat it than just cook for myself. So I drink protein shakes and eat like crap. I’m training and nutrition is important. So, this is super great (*Sarcasm … again*)I’m not eating enough, again. So I’m cranky, irritable, starving, and have no motivation to change anything. It doesn’t help I don’t have a stove or an oven. Or a microwave. So cooking in itself is challenging. Maybe I’ll just go raw. I’ve been vegan before, this can’t be too tough. Let’s add another project to my already chaotic life, that’s a great idea. (*sarcasm, Sherlock*) Wow, I’m pessimistic today. This is what happens when I’m at home, I need to get out. Going to go find something to do that will keep my heart rate up…again. For the third time today, I need to get out and work out.

Now I’m going around in circles again. I’m “stuck”. I feel like I’m in that endless loop where I’m trying to better myself, but I’m getting caught up in the same spot every time, and then I get frustrated after a while, and revert back. At least I’m not doing something that can hurt me or other people. It’s a “healthy” addiction, right? I’m in denial now. Whatever. I’m going on a trail ride with my dogs…or something.