Stuck in Between

Now that the ‘high’ has worn off of getting my certification, and learning new skills, I’m back in the same place I was before. Ready for the next step of my life. Just waiting. The ‘in between’ stage.

Napoleon End of My Leash Heather Hamilton

Napoleon, happy to see me.

I find myself constantly anxious. Not really settling down, not relaxing, just… always going. Always doing something, and never taking a break. I’m exhausted. I can’t stop, and I can’t just BE. When I do try to relax, I’m caught up in thoughts about what’s next?

I’m not happy in this current ‘in between’. I’m always looking ahead. Not that it’s a bad thing, but it never gives me a chance to really calm down or relax.

It feels like there are things holding me back from greatness, and to break free means to change my lifestyle drastically. Not just make a decision, but… more than that. It’s something I can’t do. I just have to live with it.

I have plans that are in motion, but it feels like it isn’t enough. Like I’m not doing enough, or they aren’t moving fast enough. I’m stuck.

I’m trapped in this cycle and it’s suffocating. I know I’m doing everything I can, but then I feel like even that isn’t enough, and I should be doing more. So I try to do more, and then burn myself out. Repeatedly. What am I missing?

I work too much, so I fail in other areas of my life. And if I actually take the time to relax, I’m not working enough. I’m always falling behind in one area or another. I can’t ever be good enough.

We all wear multiple hats. Mine: Wife, daughter, sister, maid, cook, employee, entrepreneur, trainer, pet parent, driver, friend, teacher, accountant, coworker, the list goes on. And as I’m excelling at one, I’m failing at another. I laugh at myself for putting ‘cook’ up there, as I haven’t actually made a meal for my family in… oh, I can’t even remember. Which means I’m failing at that.

I don’t have the energy to keep up with everything anymore. I’m slowly falling into a hole that I can’t get out of. It’s all too much. I want to stop, I want to take a break. But every single one of those takes up valuable energy that I’m slowly running out of.

Tiberius, Heather Hamilton Bearded Dragon

Tiberius rocking the green.

I’m depleted. There isn’t anything else for me to give. I have no fight left, so I just let things happen. I will fail, I just accept it. I won’t be enough, but that’s ok. I will make mistakes, fuck things up and just shrug about it and move on. I just say ‘ok’ because I just want the decisions to be already made by the time I get there.

Again, professionally no one will see this when I am working. I will put on the face, do what I do, and no one will know the wiser. But inside, my fire is out. I can’t offer any more.

I feel I am a strong woman, and I can’t let a little discouragement bring me down. So, here’s my list of 10 things when I really need it. Like today:

1)      My dog is always happy to see me.

2)      My husband and I found a new show to watch.

3)      I get to watch a great dog this weekend

4)      I get to show my fellow trainer everything I have learned at my certification course at social this weekend.

5)      Change is coming, and I know it will be good. Many changes are coming.

6)      I’m happy when I’m working with dogs.

7)      I have a new favorite hoodie. A pitbull hoodie I bought of

8)      My house is clean.

9)      Tiberius’s cage is clean and is rocking green carpet.

10)   It’s getting colder, meaning we can go snowboarding soon.