Tag Archives: relationships

Blindsided

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Blindsided with news that hits you like you’ve been punched in the gut. It makes you feel like you were set up. Betrayed, even though this was long before you were in the picture. It’s nonsensical, but logic doesn’t have a place in emotions. Emotions don’t always make logical sense.

Just because it was in the past doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting. Old news from the past brought up in the present, is the present to the people who weren’t there. It’s new news, and a fresh trauma. That’s was life is… trauma after trauma. We just get better at dealing with it.

Avoiding the issue and burying it doesn’t fix anything. Just leaves a giant mess to deal with later. Typically, when left alone, these things have a tendency to get bigger. Rip it open. Talk about it. Listen and be compassionate towards each other. Accept there are differences, changes, pasts, and mistakes. But that’s easier said than done. Emotions get in the way.

You visualize it because you are a creative, emotionally intelligent person. You play it out in your head like you are watching a movie. You see it all happening in front of you like it’s real, playing over and over. Like it’s right now, and you are just watching on the sidelines. There’s nothing you can do but just “watch”. It’s so real, you can almost hear it. You feel dizzy and feel your heart in your throat. But if you make the smallest sound, the floodgates of emotion will consume you.

So you say nothing, sit in silence. You want to throw up. The blow in the gut makes you nauseous. Wait until the threatening choking feeling resides. You try to remind yourself this was in the past. Try to talk yourself down and hide the hurt because it doesn’t make sense. You can’t. You can’t because emotions aren’t logical. So you lash out. You question everything. You doubt because you’re hurt. You ask questions you never thought of before. Emotions are threatening to cause as much damage as possible. So you swallow it to avoid making it worse. You just hurt more.

Vulnerability can make people mean. Make them angry and defensive. So, eventually someone gets angry and lashes out. The other gets defensive. There’s a big fight. There are tears, and there are wounds getting deeper and deeper. The more lashes, the more yelling, the more damage is done. But underneath everything is just hurt. Hurt drives all the symptomatic feelings and causes the problems.

You have to get out. Fight or flight. Fighting made it worse, so you leave. You leave to cry and mope and scream and feel the hurt. You’ve learned to sit with your anger, your sadness, your hurt. You’ve learned to feel it, because only then, you can process it.

The Human Condition

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mindpowerThe human condition; It’s great and awful at the same time. It makes us feel all  the juicy emotions like happiness, love, euphoria, contentment, success… but we also feel all those hurtful ones like insecurity, anxiety, depression, and hopelessness. Feelings tend to complicate life, and leak into decisions we have to make. Sometimes, it brainwashes us into thinking a certain way. Psychology is a powerful thing. I’ve always been intrigued by how our brain takes over and causes us to make decisions emotionally.

My brain doesn’t turn off, and sends me negative thoughts pretty much constantly. We have to be stronger than the doubt, the self destruct, and the ridiculous things our brain sometimes does when we feel threatened. Threatened? Why? Usually from some deep childhood wound that you probably don’t even know anything about. But it comes up at the most inopportune moments and tries to remind you that it’s in charge.

Well, this has happened to me a few times lately. Where my brain tries to sink it’s teeth into my conscious and make me feel a certain way. It didn’t use to happen nearly as often, but I’ve been peeling back some layers and flirting with my Inner Child wounds. Not enough to actually figure out where they come from, but enough to hurt. And to come up enough times for me to notice. I see the pattern now. But I’m not approaching it emotionally. At least, I’m trying not to. Instead of getting all emotional and ‘Oh, poor me, I’m damaged.’ I’m like ‘Pssh, yeah, we all are.’ I recognize this is a result of some wound I need to heal from. Not sure what, but it’s there.

self-esteemChildhood wounding can happen, even if you have the most perfect childhood. Have you seen ”Inside Out”, the Disney movie? That’s a good representation of how all emotions do have a purpose, but also how sometimes emotions don’t make sense, and even though those memories were all happy to begin with, somewhere down the road, other emotions invaded, and how they are happy and sad at the same time. I feel it’s a development thing based on maturity, age, experience, and how much we’ve had to go through in a short amount of time.

I feel I live a rich life. Not monetary, but emotionally. If I died today, I could look back and say I loved, I lived, I failed and I was successful. I have had a wonderful life because I make it so. I understand the feeling of being “stuck”, going through crossroads, and just floating through until something changes. What I realized is I had to make the change for myself.

Anyway, back on topic. Stories have me feeling ‘threatened’ lately. It’s because, I’m in the middle of a transition again. I have feelings of being too much or not enough…or both at the same time. It’s complicated, my brain won’t stop, and I can’t snap out of it. It’s a self confidence thing, but I’m very confident…but sensitive and self-conscious at the same time. How can this be? Because of that damn thing called the ‘Human Condition’ again.

So, I allow my brain the moment of judging, the threat, the processing time, and then I snap back. It never has anything good to contribute, never anything mind blowing or that ‘a ha!’ moment where I figure out the universe. So, I allow it the moment, then snap back. The brain helps us, but it is also the powerhouse for all the confusing, complicated emotions that make up the human condition. It causes the fears, doubts, disappointments, and insecurities to make us feel too much or not good enough. We have to help train and guide it to make better choices and help our souls stay positive.

When we allow it to get to us, that’s when we invite negative energy in. We block out the comfort of love and compassion, he stop hearing the compliments and pick out what our brains want to hear to validate our weaknesses. We cannot give love if we can’t receive it from ourselves. Self love is the most important part of life, in my opinion. We have to be careful about protecting ourselves from even the negative energy our brain sends us.

The lack of trust, negative thoughts, and threats are all in our head. Tell your brain to settle and calm down. There are many different ways to do this, but distracting with positive energy seems to help. Don’t let your brain just sit ignored, but focus on something else: like your breath. Like a repetitive beat. I get it. I’m learning this now from my energy healer, but there was something that clicked today. You focus on something else until you feel at ultimate peace. Not a distraction where your brain is working on something else, but actually just focusing on one thing until you can achieve a grounding effect. Video games, books, etc – these do not provide that same effect. Those kinds of distractions are not what I’m talking about.

As a result of this training, you can allow your brain to have the moment, and then you can gently bring it back without jarring it into more negative emotions. (Example: “Dammit, I did it again, I’m so stupid!”) We all do it, we all should get out of our heads, and spend more time in the ‘real world’. Fill your world with positive thoughts, happy activities, and enjoy every moment you have with the important people in your life (and that includes yourself!). I say all this, so avoid being a hypocrite, I should practice it! I’m off!

Learning to Live Again and Letting Go

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It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small. The fears that once controlled us can’t get to us at all. It’s time to see what I can do. To test the limits and break through. I’m never going back. The past is in the past.

Sound familiar? I hope so. If not, you need to update your Disney song library. Anyway, there’s a reason I’m quoting this song. It’s really relevant to my life currently. I haven’t had balance of life and work since before I opened up my company. I haven’t known how, or wanted it. I do now. I’m taking a lot of joy in yard work, playing with my dogs again, doing normal house chores, planning bigger projects, cooking, reading, playing video games, watching shows, and yes-taking weekends. I wish there were more hours in the day, but I would fill them with more things. I’m also learning it’s ok to not fill every second with something and to just sit and not do anything for a while.

I’m setting up more appropriate boundaries with work vs. personal life like business hours and taking actual weekends to not answer client phone calls or emails. I’ve hired someone to help so I can leave town on my days off and not worry about everything. I mean, I still probably will in the beginning, but she’s shown great promise so far. She’ll be great.

I’m learning more about my walls, and where my internal boundaries lie. Some I need to let down, and others I need to adjust when it’s appropriate to keep them. I guess I didn’t realize how deep some of my wounds were. I’ve set up an impenetrable fortress. Some of it is a pride thing, sure. I don’t want to be used, hurt, abused, or used as a stepping stone again. But some of if is totally misplaced and hurts the people I love. I catch myself when I’m riding on a wall, and I’m actively letting it down for specific situations. This is kind of interesting to me because this is totally different for me. I haven’t let my walls down…ever, I don’t think. Learning curve for me.

I’m in a great place, but every once in a while, I get a pang of something I’ve lost along the way. Some things I’ve dealt with, some I haven’t. Small words, images, sounds, smells, sometimes they bring it back. Sometimes, it’s a bunch of things that remind me, and then all of a sudden, it’s like I’m reliving it.

My heart races, I can’t breathe, and all I can think about is going through all those feelings again. I’m carrying it around still. I’ve shoved a lot into a box, and I’m having to go through it now.

Speaking in literal terms, it started with opening up a box. It had reminders of parts of my life I’m needing to move on from. Not necessarily letting go of the death of my marriage, but letting go of a lot of guilt. Things that even though I had no control over, I blamed myself. This is a habit I get into when something doesn’t go as planned. The following few days after I opened that box there were signs that I hadn’t totally forgiven myself, or dealt with some emotions. I was just watching a show, and it hit me. I couldn’t breathe. And I was consumed by guilt and fear, and overwhelming sadness. I didn’t realize right away what it was, I just thought I was having an anxiety attack. (Yeah, I’m being vague, sorry.)

I needed to get away, I wanted to run away from everything. It was too much and I was afraid. Then I realized what it was that was bothering me. And once I realized what it was, I could calm down. I chilled out, I settled, and I also realized I’ll be stuck here unless I set down this baggage and move on. Acceptance. Before, it was flight. Now, I’m avoiding. Because I’m scared. But I don’t want to be in my fortress anymore. Buck up, Buttercup. It’s time to open the metaphorical ‘Pandora’s Box’ and deal with the unbalance, emotions, and really let it go. It’s a good thing. Because it means it’s holding me back, and I’m ready to face it and move forward with what the future brings. Still scary though…

Life is Great!

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forestI love my place! That isn’t just referring to the house though! I love the property and the house, and I absolutely love the plans that are starting to form to make it really mine ours. But what I love more than all of that is where I am in my life. I found ME and what that means. Of course, I’ll always still be learning about myself, and how to improve and make life better and more balanced. But where I am, what’s happening, what plans are being made…I’m so happy with my life and where I’m going. And because I’m in that place, I’ve attracted the most amazing person I have ever met and get to share all that happiness and excitement with him. Little things every day remind me how far I’ve come, and where I want to go. I wanted to find someone who could handle my hectic lifestyle and keep up with me, but also slow down and just enjoy each other’s company when we have a few minutes. He’s a perfect match for me. He compliments my strengths and brings out the best in them. He also helps me with the things I struggle with and makes me want to be better. Every day, he silently reminds me I had to go through what I did to be where I am. I would never have been able to fully appreciate him and love him the way he deserves to be loved. I truly see him, and appreciate everything about him. Even doing yard work together is something I enjoy doing with him because we are building this life together. Life is good, and I see it getting even better.

Something I have struggled with since I started my company was the work-life balance. I’ve never actually had ‘balance’, but I never really felt I needed it…until now. I knew it would be tough, but I’m over the “new business struggle” and now I’m an established company who is growing, needs help, and I desperately want to have parts of my life back while still enjoying and loving what I do. I’m now working towards that ‘balance’ that I now realize I need to be happy. Not only do I need this for me, I need this to nurture all the other areas of my life. I devote a lot of time to one area, and another one is neglected. I want to give enough that all areas can grow and be ok. I want to LIVE now that I have sufficient means to do so.

robheatherRecently, there have been many events that have brought the sting of being ‘married to my business’ to the surface. It hurts. A lot. I want to go on vacation; I have to plan months in advance to go. I want to take a day off; sorry… no, you have a company to run. I’m sick; buck up, Chuck. I work anyway or nothing gets done. If I’m not here, I don’t get paid and business stops entirely. I want to take a break; sorry..no. You can’t because then I work until 10:00. I’m hoping with some new plans I have brewing, that will change within the next six months or so. Doesn’t stop the ‘now’ from reminding me there aren’t enough hours in the day for me to do everything I need/want to do. But I’m working on it. Patience. I’ll get there. Just keep truckin’.

Also realize I don’t have the ‘unwind’ time from leaving work and transitioning to home. Another battle of the ‘working from home’ mindset. Thinking after I lock up for the night, I need to find a transition activity. Most people’s activity is driving home from work, I need something else. Maybe that’s a good time to go running or biking. Huh..food for thought.

Anyway, haven’t written in a while, and needed to update. So, in short: Life is good. And it’s getting better.

 

More Than Just a House

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Is this real? Is it over? I feel like the battle is done. This war that has been going on for far too long; it’s done. I’ve won. I fought for a cause, and I didn’t give up. I lost so much, but I continued on. Because something inside me told me to keep fighting with everything I had. It told me to fight through the pain, and the loss, and the mistakes, and wade through all the shit because there was something better coming. I lost my way a few times, but never stopped. It doesn’t feel real yet.

I guess it all started when my ex-husband and I decided to get a divorce. That’s when the story of my change started. Once we decided, and I was done, something died inside me, but something was also born. When he had the movers come get the furniture he was taking with him just a few days before our 4 year anniversary, it was finally real. I remember standing in the middle of my living room while they were taking his things and I cried. Everything was moving so fast, yet I was frozen. I cried because I wasn’t only losing a marriage, I was losing my best friend. He would be gone, and I could never tell him my stories anymore. At least, not in the same way. It was a death. The death of a marriage. It wasn’t an easy thing. It was terrible to just say goodbye to a relationship of 7 years. I started my adult life with this man, and I chose to walk away.

Shortly after he left, I was packed up and ready to sell our house. Literally, pictures were scheduled the very next day, and I was having friends over to clean. My stuff was in storage, and I was ready to go. I had a friend who was willing to take me in while I got back on my feet. I was shattered and broken. She was buying a new house, and I was losing mine. She was expanding her business, and mine was going to move to a stand still. My life would be packed up in boxes, and hers would be blossoming in her brand new house. I was jealous, of course. But it was more about me watching my life crumble before me, and seeing her moving in to her new place just made it all the more real.

I found a different friend who was willing to help me out by moving in to the main floor and I would live in the basement. I would live in the guest room of my own house. But I would get to keep my house. I didn’t think it would work because of my business. But we worked it out, and they moved in. Things worked very well for a while. And I cared deeply about every one of them. I still do. I attach to people, and they helped me through a very trying time in my life.

cemetary During this whole time…I made a mistake. A big one. I attached to an inappropriate person and fucked up. Hard. I wasn’t in the right mind, I was hurting and I was vulnerable. I hurt someone incredibly close to me, and I can’t ever fix it. I cope with what I did; I reached out to people who didn’t want my heart, but everything else. I put my heart in a box, and used people to fill a void to make me feel like I was beautiful, needed, important. I did this in all the wrong ways. I was using people. And I didn’t care, nor did I know it at the time. And then I found someone who caught me. I didn’t realize at the time, but I was caught in a brand new web of fucked-uppery. It wasn’t like that the whole time…or so I thought. Information came to light later where I realized there was a lot more going on than I originally thought. I was used and manipulated in the worst way.

I gave my heart to him. I gave him the whole damn thing. Every piece of who I was, I gave it away eventually. I wasn’t me anymore, I was a lost, broken soul, but I didn’t know it until much later. I unhealthily attached and became a co-dependent. Never thought in a million years I would be that person, but I was so lost, and I was enabled to continue being that way. Then, I broke my foot. Any bit of independence I had was gone, and I relied even more on him. I was literally useless and totally at his mercy. I was miserable, but trying not to be. I was fighting so hard to stay positive, even though I felt like a worthless sack of shit all the time. I was in pain, my mental stability was one of insecurity and dark thoughts. But I fought it with whatever inner strength I had.

Eventually, the relationship fell apart when I started to get back on my feet (no pun intended, but go ahead and take it that way). I was devastated and had no idea why it happened. I could get into details, but it doesn’t matter. What matters was that my soul was destroyed. I was betrayed in nearly every way. I needed a fresh start; I had too much baggage. So I decided to sell my house as quickly as possible and start over. I started fixing it up. I was insane manic for weeks… no, months and I used it to do house projects. I learned so many new skills, I faced so many of my fears, I met new friends, I started getting out and doing things for myself again. I felt empowered and felt like myself again.

It was about this time I decided I would never let another person take my independence. I will never lose myself like that again. I want to share my life, BUILD a life with someone, but never will I give away my pieces again. I want to build the puzzle together with both our pieces. And I never want to waste my time on something that is fake again. I want real and I want to build that god damn puzzle, even if that means we’re missing pieces sometimes, and we have to use glue, gum, and duct tape. I would rather have that than a fake fairytale. Anything else isn’t worth it. This was a milestone for me in my ‘recovery’.

I sold my house. I found a temporary place to go. I thought it was safe for my business and myself. I was sorely mistaken. It was alright for a while. Until it wasn’t, then it was a nightmare. The house I was going to put an offer on fell through. My temporary place was now looking like I needed to stay there longer. I kept looking at houses, and more and more properties were falling through for one reason or another. I had been looking for months, but nothing was going right for me. City laws, building codes, permits, the property was already sold, problems with legalities, ‘gentlemen agreements’ gone bad… One thing after another was falling through, but I managed to keep a smile on my face for the most part and kept on truckin’.

I had to move out due to a variety of complicated, stupid reasons. I have a client who has become a friend, who offered me some help. She thought it sounded so silly, but said I could live on her property until I figured something out. I graciously accepted. It was a loft in the tack room on her horse property. She has a beautiful house and a lovely little ranch with a chicken, cats, dogs, horses, and a really cool deer skull. I accepted and cried later. I was almost going to be living out of my truck for a few weeks, and she provided me a much better option. Though I have been homeless, it’s more a mental state of mind than physicality. They are a wonderful family and each and every one of them has a beautiful soul radiating with love and warm, inviting vibes. This was just where I needed to be at the moment. I hope I can help them as much as they helped me once I am able to.

I found a place and was under contract. I thought this was it…Until it fell through days before closing. I was crushed, yet prepared because I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it did, so I started looking for houses again. Found another one, and was under contract with the new one THAT NIGHT. Negotiations, buyer’s agreements, paperwork where you sell your soul and your first born child, inspections, appraisals… you know the drill. It all finally went through. And we are set to close on Monday of next week. It’s not real until I sign those papers, but I feel like this time… it’s different. This time, this isn’t a dream. In my mind, I feel like the house is already mine, and I’m talking about the yard, and my plans, and I’m telling people. I have asked for help moving, and on all the other ones, I didn’t feel like making any set in stone plans for people to help. I do on this one. This one feels like me. This one feels like it’s the one. Though, I’m still cautious and careful because I have been so burned in the past.

So, here I am. Days before closing, and I’m being as still and silent as I can, to not interrupt the universe at work here. I don’t want to scare the very fickle ‘deer of a deal’ I have going on here. I’m making sure all my ducks are in a row. I’m doing everything right and by the books, so this can go through. I have worked so hard, and here I am. Final days.

homeThis is more than a house.

This is a new beginning.

This is a new start.

This means I am free of the baggage I have been carrying around.

I can let go, I can move on, and I can build again.

This is so much more than just a house.

“Enjoy the journey” they said…

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strength“Enjoy the journey” they said… “It’ll be fun” they said. Well, I say “Are we there yet?!” It’s like I’ve taken a cross country trip across Uganda… with a brand new pair of roller skates because that’s my style. This journey I’m on doesn’t just have speed bumps, I’m off roading with my roller skates. And I’ve fallen and gotten bloodied up, but I always seem to get back up quickly and keep going. I’ll never fall on that same bump again, though.

I can’t give up. I can’t stop. But I am trying to let go of the things I can’t control. Things have a way of working out when they need to, and as much as I can’t wait for all this to be over, I feel like I’m supposed to be going through this. To teach me something. And boy, have I learned.

I’ve learned about myself and what I want in my life. Who I want to be, how I want to treat others, and what is important in my life. I’ve learned to live lightly and enjoy the living, not the stuff or the money. I’ve learned to appreciate people and their hardships a lot more. I’ve learned to listen, not wait to react to what they are saying. I’ve come a long way, but I’ve also learned how unbalanced I am. I mean my energies and some emotional things I haven’t quite gotten over. There’s some unfinished business I need to address to be able to fully move on and be truly happy with myself. I’m not sure where it happened or where I picked it up, but I need to address it so I can be balanced and happy again. It feels like I can’t really work on this until I have a ‘home’. So I’m sitting on it until I can work through it. I need to learn to set down some of this baggage and walk away. It’s starting to get awfully heavy.

Something else I’m starting to learn is what ‘taking the time…every time’ means. Not only in dog training, but in life. I’m trying to not miss the little moments. However, I’m also learning when I need time for me to decompress and NOT take the time for that ‘opportunity’, but to take the time for me. It’s not about vacations or time off, it’s about the little moments every day where you take time for yourself and appreciate who you are. I’m proud of myself and for who I am. I have made mistakes, and I have learned so much from them. I’m happy. Even though my life has been chaotic for the last several years, it seems… I’m still happy. I’m happy because of who I am and where I’m going.

upsidedownWhen I talk to people who have gone through similar journeys, it shows in their eyes. You feel the energy change to a deep, loving, understanding vibe. And they listen to you. There isn’t much they can do to help you with this internal battle, but they get it. And you have their support. That feeling makes me feel like I’m not doing this alone. This is my fight, but having that support gives me the strength to keep fighting and becoming a stronger person. I feel like he’ll let me do my thing, and if I fall, he’ll catch me and then tell me to get back up and do it again until I succeed. I need that. I need him. (There, I said it.. in a blog.. that counts, right?)

 

Ready Or Not

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Life is funny sometimes. The last few years have been major ups and downs, an emotional roller coaster, and full of very hard life changing events. I kept saying “Something good has to be coming” or “I need something good to happen for a while so I can offset the bad”. I had no idea what I was even asking for. I would have missed it because I wasn’t ready to see. I wouldn’t have recognized it if it was staring me right in the face.

So here we are. I’ve put in my dues, I’ve struggled through some hard times, and I have figured out exactly what I want. And as soon as I realized that, it seems that it’s been waiting for me this whole time. Waiting for me to be ready. Waiting for me to see. I have worked for years with my therapist to be able to see the world this way. What was I missing? I needed to hit ‘rock bottom’, as it were. I needed to follow through. I couldn’t truly move onto the next phase of my life until the previous one was closed.

goodthingsThe last 6 months I have been on a self-discovery journey. I have learned what I wanted in my life, where I want to go, and the type of person I want to be. I have been focusing on how to live my life the way I want to, without letting other people influence me one way or another. I’m totally happy to be me and love myself for who I am. But, I would also be ok to share my successes, failures, feelings, and experiences with someone who truly supports me and helps me become a better person. Someone who will realize I’m going to do my thing and who can welcome all I have to offer. I won’t change who I am for anyone. I’ve done it before, and I was lost. I didn’t do it on purpose, but I gave away pieces of my soul until there was literally nothing left and I didn’t know who I was anymore. Let’s be honest, I didn’t think this person existed. So, it’s not like I gave up, but I was skeptical that this was something that I could find. If that person came along, great. If not, great. I can’t love anyone else truly until I love myself that way.

Seems I stumbled upon that person a few months ago.. At a party in a PUB on New Years, it just so happens. A few drinks, and one ballsy move on my part led me down this new rabbit hole. Something happened to me that night. I had a realization that I was waiting for something in my life. I didn’t realize what it was at the time, and I was confused. I had to let go for a bit to figure out what I needed. I needed to close a previous chapter, I couldn’t truly move on until that was finished. There was no way I would have been able to say with full certainty this is what I wanted and commit if I didn’t take that time. Every day, he exceeds my expectations. Something incredible is starting, and it’s just the beginning. He is in a very similar place in his life, and he really understands everything I’m going through. He never feels like I’m too much or not enough. He sees me for just me. He WANTS me to be just me. I realized I’ve never had this, and now I’m never going back. How was I not ready for this before? I guess I had to go through some shit first. I’m terrified of finding someone who is as intense in everything as me, but I’m also so excited to see where this adventure goes. I’m all about doing things that scare me, and this is a big one. If you don’t, what’s it all for?

My housing situation has been in the gutter since I decided to sell. My temporary place was only supposed to be for a few days to a few weeks. Turns out, it’s was more like a few months. Finding the right place seemed impossible. It seemed like I would find it, but it would be under contract even before we set up a showing, or I wouldn’t like it, but it was perfect for the business, or the business wouldn’t work there, but I loved it. It was always something. Starting to get discouraged, and looking at dozens of houses not finding anything, I started to have thoughts of giving up my dream. It had been one loss after another, but I kept going. Even though I didn’t have the energy, I kept going and looking because I don’t know how to quit. I don’t know how to actually stop trying and throw in the towel until there is literally nothing left to save. My patience and mental fortitude paid off. I’m under contract. It could still fall through, but now it would have to be because of something on the inspection. I’m allowing myself to get excited, but not get ahead of myself until the inspection is complete (which will be next week). Things are falling into place, and I’m ready!

Finding myself has been one of the most important things I have ever done. At the end of the day, at the end of your life, how will you feel about your imprint on history? What do you want from your life? I want to feel like I’ve helped people. That I’ve made a difference and people will remember me for what I’ve done. I want to share this with someone who is as intensely passionate about their own work as me. Finally…”The good is coming”.fear

Healthy Addiction

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Right after those big decisions are when you start to think about the “What’s next?” questions. And if it has to do with relationships, I feel like you always want to go out and look for the next person to fill the space. From my experiences… this is exactly what you shouldn’t do. Because you end up having stupid sex, using people, attaching unhealthily to someone, making mistakes, and never truly growing or healing from the damage.

This is what I have done in the past, and I made stupid decisions, got involved in very inappropriate relationships, had stupid pointless sex, used people to avoid my pain instead of dealing with it, and guess what? Never healed. Huh… and everyone says ‘take some time for you’. Yeah, ok. Harder said than done. They say until you are happy being by yourself, enjoying your own company with no ‘help’ from other people or distractions (healthy or unhealthy), you shouldn’t go out and meet new people. So, I’m (again) trying to learn about me. And there are a few patterns I’ve fallen into that I want to change.

First, I don’t like doing many things by myself anymore. I don’t like watching movies or playing games by myself. Which is weird since I only own mostly one player games, and that was my main hobby about 4 years ago. I’m different now I guess. I’m fine to go anywhere by myself, do workshops, teach, meet people, workout, drive, go out to bars, clubs, and go out and eat dinner alone, but I don’t like being HOME alone and doing things. So I’m never home. I’ve been working out a lot for the last few months. I live in my workout clothes now, because I never know when I may want to do a quick ab workout, or stop at the gym on my way home from somewhere. Yeah, SUUUPER healthy. (*sarcasm*)

Secondly, I don’t like boredom or loneliness, and want to spend my time with someone. This is where I got into trouble before. I was using people to fill up my time so I didn’t have to be home alone. To me, people were just there for my convenience. Disposable, I guess you could say. Until someone came along that I didn’t want to dispose of after a few dates or whatever. Anyway, I’m not filling my loneliness with people this time, I’m going to try to find things to do for myself that make me a better person. Other things than always working out. I’m writing again in my blog (I usually start to write more when I’m having the ‘feelings disease’), so that’s healthy, right? I’m trying to make time every night to read a chapter in any of my self improvement books. And I’m trying to do something with my dogs every day. I’ve gotten lazy with them, so they are struggling. I need to spend the time with them so they don’t become monsters. They’ve had a lot of change in their lives too, I can’t forget about them. It’s not their fault they are regressing.

Thirdly, I can’t help but think about things. I go over every detail, every mistake, everything I found out, everything that was said (or not said), energies, etc. And each time, I don’t find anything I could have done differently for a different outcome. Which reassures me, but my heart is broken. I’m not happy. I didn’t want to do this. I felt I had to. Doing something I really didn’t want to do, but thinking I didn’t have a choice anymore. It’s a pretty shitty place to be in. I feel like no matter which choices I make, I’ll be miserable. So I go out and work out more. My escape from these fucked up feelings that are like wrecking balls inside my brain… Don’t sing it, people. Let it go… Fuck. Anywho, that’s my healthy addiction. At least it isn’t alcohol or drugs or porn or tinder or … I’m stopping. And clearly very bitter today.

Fourthly, I think about the “what ifs”. This is just plain stupid and I should stop. What ifs are ridiculous because there are too many variables that can change the scope of what happened. I can’t just say ‘Well, if this happened, then X wouldn’t have happened.’ That’s bullshit. Because well, sure, if THAT didn’t happen, then we would be in a different place, but I’m sure something else would have happened, and we may be in a worse place. Or maybe it wouldn’t have changed anything at all. Or maybe, if this happened, and I handled it this way, then …OMG, I’m talking to myself. I’m done with this ludicrous paragraph.

And lastly, cooking. I love cooking, but I hate cooking for just me. I would much rather cook a meal for someone else and not even eat it than just cook for myself. So I drink protein shakes and eat like crap. I’m training and nutrition is important. So, this is super great (*Sarcasm … again*)I’m not eating enough, again. So I’m cranky, irritable, starving, and have no motivation to change anything. It doesn’t help I don’t have a stove or an oven. Or a microwave. So cooking in itself is challenging. Maybe I’ll just go raw. I’ve been vegan before, this can’t be too tough. Let’s add another project to my already chaotic life, that’s a great idea. (*sarcasm, Sherlock*) Wow, I’m pessimistic today. This is what happens when I’m at home, I need to get out. Going to go find something to do that will keep my heart rate up…again. For the third time today, I need to get out and work out.

Now I’m going around in circles again. I’m “stuck”. I feel like I’m in that endless loop where I’m trying to better myself, but I’m getting caught up in the same spot every time, and then I get frustrated after a while, and revert back. At least I’m not doing something that can hurt me or other people. It’s a “healthy” addiction, right? I’m in denial now. Whatever. I’m going on a trail ride with my dogs…or something.

Healthy Painful Decisions

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Decisions that are healthy for us are usually the hardest ones to make. The small decisions like to have or not to have ice cream after dinner, grilled chicken vs McDonalds are even sometimes difficult. When it comes to the big ones, it’s downright heartbreaking in a lot of cases. And even though the decision makes sense, it doesn’t make it easy.

When everything in your head is telling… no, SCREAMING the same thing over and over, it is usually a telling sign you know what the right answer is. But you also want to avoid impulsive decisions if it hasn’t been something screaming at you for long. Fighting things like that are what I do best. I wanted to see the good and to see the end game. I was ignoring what was right in front of me, and not seeing it for what it was. In my case, the end game isn’t reality. It’s a dream. A dream from a fairytale. Fairy tales don’t exist, and the dream I wanted isn’t real. I wanted to believe that work could be done to save it. But, at the end of every day, I wasn’t happy.

fightWhen the decision is made and executed, you know it was right or you know it was wrong. When it feels right, it doesn’t mean you feel good about it. And it doesn’t mean the recovery will be peaceful or painless. In fact, in my experience, you are rushed with many emotions that cycle throughout you for the next few days. Your body needs time to adjust to the shock, the adrenaline, the fear, excitement.. whatever else kind of emotions there are when you make your decision. Mine was a deep sense of loss, relief, and a want to run far away to get away from everything for a few days and process these overwhelming emotions.

worthAs I stated in my previous blog post a few days ago, accepting the pain and knowing you are doing it for something that makes you better is how you should handle these things. Breathe through it, just breathe. This is incredibly painful, but I knew it would be. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I’m letting myself feel the pain, breathing through it and I’m letting go. I’m finally letting this go. I know I have done everything I could and more, and I know I can’t say I could have done any better.

I feel as if I not only did everything right, but I put all the tools I learned into play, and I feel like I am making the best decision for me. I also feel I am making the best decision for him. It’s not my place to say what he’s going through, but this is what I felt I needed to do for both of us. Because I love him, I have to leave him. I have to let him go. For me and my own personal reasons, but also because he can’t thrive with me right now. He can’t do this with me, and as much as it hurts when mistakes were made, it hurts more that we can’t face these challenges together.

letgoSo, I made the decision, and I’m accepting the pain. I’m also looking at the bigger picture and realizing this is what we both needed. It was too soon to reconcile. And I’m accepting that too. I feel disappointed and very sad, but I also have the closure and peace of mind knowing I did everything. I literally gave it all the energy I had. I sacrificed time and energy I normally would have used on myself, or on my business, and focused on the relationship. At the end of the day, I was exhausted from working on the relationship so much, I never had anything left for me. I’m at peace, and I will be ok. I’m not regretting anything, and I’m handling the emotions by just letting myself feel them, knowing I did my very best to do everything I could on my end. Shit happens. Let it go and carry on.

What Is Love?

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soulbeautyI love everyone. Every single person I come in contact with is loved by me in some way. I choose to see the good in people. I choose to see beauty, and I see that everywhere I go. I see that in the mountains outside my house, the stars in the sky at night, in the personality of my dogs, and in the mechanics of my car. I choose to see beauty in absolutely everything. In people, I see their physical looks of course, but more importantly, I feel I can see the beauty of their soul. I start talking to people, and in just a few seconds of meeting them, I see them radiate their own special aura of beauty. I see their personality shine through when they speak, smile, work with their dog or interact with their family. And to me, every person is incredible and beautiful in their own unique way.

In the people closest to me; my friends and family and my clients, I have a very special opportunity to get to know them a little better. And in doing so, I get to know what makes them tick a little closer. I get to know their strengths, their weaknesses, and their fears. In working with my clients’ dogs, I build a sort of very personal relationship, and I do see habits and personalities that some of their closest friends don’t even notice. And I love this part of my job. I can help people with those weaknesses and build confidence, which is empowering to them. I see it and it brings me joy when the concepts click and they are proud of themselves. That is one of my very favorite parts about my job. That’s one of things that makes me tick.

With some of my clients, I become friends with them. I start to care about their families and what they are doing on a daily basis with their dogs. More so than just on a professional level. I try very hard to make sure boundaries don’t get crossed. Just like a therapist and their patient, it’s important to not encroach on their patients’ personal lives. I have met some of my very best friends through my career, but it’s always friend or dog trainer in those moments. I go into a zone on either one. This has taken some practice on how to “turn off” either side.

I am a transparent person. I never lie (I’m not very good at it anyway), and I expect the same from my clients and the people in my life. When I am lied to, it deeply damages my soul, and my ability to see the beauty in people. I have been lied to, betrayed, hurt, and broken in the darkest of ways. Repeatedly. So, my soul isn’t as beautiful as it used to be. It has pockmarks and scars throughout. Once again, I feel as if my soul is dark and twisty and broken.

I’m looking past the scars and sometimes gaping wounds of my clients when they come to me for help with their dogs, so I’m trying to look past my own. I won’t hide, I won’t retreat. I’ll just keep going and give the wounds time to heal. The wounds that other people keep inflicting on me. I protect myself, but eventually I get tired, and let my guard down. Then I get clubbed with ugliness and evil. I always get up, but I take on these new battle scars each time.

Regardless of my battle scars, I will never stop loving deeply, or seeing the beauty in every person I meet. No one can take this from me. I will always get up eventually. And no one else is in charge of my feelings but me. I choose to be happy, I choose to be in control of my emotions and my state of mind.

Sometimes, in helping another person through some of their problems, I heal a little bit of me. Sometimes, being broken in company is the best kind of remedy. I helped someone release a little bit of emotion today. And it made me see how absolutely beautiful they were. A little later in the same day, she was there for me when I needed to be healed. I’m hoping it did the same to her, as it did to me.

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Today, I faced one of my biggest fears. I haven’t been inside of a church willingly in over 10 years. Walking up to the doors of the church took me 2 tries. I stalled and answered a phone call first, and then took some deep breaths, accepted it was going to hurt… and then let it go and moved on. And I walked in. I got a little nervous again walking down a long, narrow hallway with closed doors on either side. I felt very claustrophobic, but I kept walking. I just focused on my breathing, and how this is for a good cause. I needed to do this. I got to the end of the hallway and reached my destination. I felt a huge sense of accomplishment for just a few seconds. And then I realized where I was.

I was attending a client’s funeral. I was invited to attend this intimate event and robinjablonmourn the loss of this client with her family and friends. She was an incredibly beautiful person, and the way I remember her, she was always smiling and had a warm, inviting presence. She was there for me in my own time of loss, and was incredibly supportive. Nothing but loving energy from her, telling me everything will be ok, and that I’ll become stronger from my trials. She said she would pray for me, and that I deserve all the happiness in the world. I truly believe she meant that when she told me that, and I felt a sense of peace.

I helped her with her dog for about a year previously, but as she started to get sicker and sicker, her dog sensed that and became more and more possessive. I didn’t put together the dots on this until later, so we did more sessions, and I helped her with confidence and leadership building, but we weren’t making much progress. It was shortly after our last session that she was diagnosed with brain cancer. It was around midnight in early December that she messages me on my business page. She said she had a brain tumor and was losing her vision, and was so scared of death. She didn’t know what to do, but she felt like she wanted to reach out to me, that we had a connection and she wanted to tell me. I felt deep sadness for her, and I wish I could have teleported to where she was to hold her and give her the type of energy she gave me in my time of need.

I wanted to remember this client as the beautiful soul she was, so I didn’t want to see her in the open casket. I could still see her face, and the top of her head. And even though I didn’t go up to see her closely, she was radiant. She was beautiful, even while sleeping eternally. And she was loved deeply. Everyone had such wonderful things to say about her, and it made me think about her husband and her family a lot. They had such touching words to share about him as well. “Her boys were her greatest accomplishments”, “Her family was the best gift she could ever receive in this life”, “She loved her family with all her heart”… And then the things they were saying about her husband. “He gave her the life she always wanted, and she lived it to her fullest”, “He was the perfect husband”, “Not once did I ever hear her complain about him, or say you two had an argument”, “You were her best friend and treated her with such kindness”, “Billy, you were her guardian angel. She always did like the thrill rides and did scary things at 59 like white water rapids”, “Billy, she’s waiting for you in Heaven”. I’m not religious, but these words got me more than anything else said. I am very spiritual, and when I die, I hope someone is saying those things to my partner. Life is too short and precious. I want my life to be filled with beauty and love. This was a bittersweet reminder of what I have been missing.

It also got me thinking to what I would do if I suddenly died. What’s most important to me, and who? Who deserves to make decisions for me in death? What type of service do I want? Let’s be clear. I don’t want to be buried in an expensive box. I want to go back to the Earth. Let me decompose and be born again into a tree. I want to be part of the beauty that is this world. I want my friends and family to bring their dogs to my service. I don’t want sad music or churches. I want to have a gathering of everyone I love (which, as I said…is everyone) come and talk about silly, funny, happy stories about my life. Tears are fine, but I want people to be more happy than mourning. I want my dogs to be taken care of by people who love them as deeply as I do. I want my business to be sold to someone who has a passion for training and teaching, or be shut down and have the money go towards my friends and family who have helped me get to where I am (“am” meaning at my time of death).

So, to conclude this very long blog post, I am choosing to be happy. I am in charge of my life and how I feel. I choose to see beauty in everyone. I hope that this blog post finds everyone healthy and happy, and if not, choose to see the beauty in the world. It won’t show itself to you unless you are receptive enough to pay attention. Be mindful of the world and its’ energies and make it a better place. CHOOSE to be happy. CHOOSE to see beauty. Only you can make this happen for yourself.  Be the change you wish to see in the world. Those words were never as clear to me as they are now. It’s like I’m hearing them for the first time.

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